F+
Title: The Orca King II
Author: Darragha Foster
Publication Info: Liquid Silver Books 2008
ISBN: B00408AXVE
Genre: Paranormal
The things I do for love. And cookies.
After I reviewed the orca-shifter, time-travel penis crazysauce that is The Orca King, several people begged me to review the sequel The Orca King II which according to Amazon contains “orca whale and sea serpent sex play,” and I was all nuh-uh, I already took one for the team. But I love you fellow Smart Bitches, so I bought it after all.
Also I might have been promised cookies.
I was actually waiting for my appointment at the nail salon when I pulled this baby up on my phone and read it. I believe that my manicurist assumed I had diarrhea or some other form of gastric distress based on my facial expression because she kept asking me if I needed a water or the restroom before she started my manicure.
The Orca King II is so gloriously bad that I am unable to review it by myself. So I have enlisted the aid of Tom Hiddleston for no other reason than because I can.
Source: MishasTeaParty
Okay, so remember how in the Orca King Marian met her soul mate Big Tom aka “Chief” on a whale watching tour?
And he was the whale?
And he put his time-travel penis inside her to show her that they were once together in a past life?
And he filled her with “and ocean of love and hope,” which I assume is a nice way of saying a whole bucketful of come?
Remember that?
Yeah, me too. I’ll fucking remember that till I die. I can’t remember my own phone number or where the fuck my keys are, but I’ll remember salty whale penis until the end of time. “Salty whale penis” may be my dying words. Actually, I kind of hope they are because I bet that’ll get the hospice workers talking.
So anyway, I was led to believe that Marian and Big Tom were meant to be together, hence all the supernatural shit in the first book, but apparently not because we forget about her entirely in the sequel. Big Tom makes some reference to Marian apparently growing old and dying, but the first book was clearly set in the present and the sequel is clearly set in the present, so WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? Also Marian was pregnant, but no mention of what happened to their kid. Was the kid an orca shifter? WAS IT HALF WHALE, HALF HUMAN? If so, which is the better half to be whale, top or bottom? I’m going bottom, personally.
NONE OF THAT MATTERS THOUGH BECAUSE BIG TOM NEEDS TO HAVE BUTTSECKS WITH A SEA SERPENT.
And I think that’s what made the most mad about the sequel. If you’re going to build a crazysauce world, stick to your narrative. Don’t just “eh, she’s dead,” so that Big Tom can have sex with a serpent shifter. I mean, Marian was so in love with Big Tom that she was sexually attracted to a mother fucking whale. You can’t just gloss over that!
Anyway, when The Orca King II opens up, Big Tom is cursed. He can no longer shift and he can’t come either, which are apparently his two favorite activities. He has to atone for all the ladies he’s smexed over the years. Apparently Big Tom put his time-travel penis to use for selfish purposes, taking women on time-travel penis spirit journeys that were not necessary.
Are any time-travel penis spirit journeys necessary, I ask?
I don’t know. But now Big Tom has to make up for it.
So how does he make up for it you ask? Well, Granny, the ancient Native American fortune teller from the previous books, tells Tom that he has to fight an old enemy with love or some shit like that.
So Tom is all full of self-pity and he goes to this bar and there are all these minor league baseball players there for some tournament or something and Tom isn’t happy about it.
“Damn,” he said softly. “Ballplayers.” In the past he’d lost quite a few women to those uniformed buggers. Not that it mattered now. He was off women.
Right.
But then this one ballplayer, Devon, comes up to the bar and Tom feels this super overwhelming attraction to him, which is crazy, because Tom is most definitely not bi. We know he’s not because he reminds us of that constantly. Not bi. Nope. He likes the ladies.
And this pissed me off too, because there isn’t a lot of book here (71 pages), and on top of coming to terms with Tom having sex with a snake-shifter, we have to watch him question his own sexuality too. And this book literally spans like twenty-four hours so…
I mean, why not just have Tom be bisexual? I AM READING A BOOK ABOUT A WHALE AND SEA SEREPENT FUCKING, BUT THE BI-SEXUALITY PART MIGHT SET ME OVER THE EDGE? That was the piece that needed a fuckton of justification?
I have no response to that. Other than:
So Devon and Tom get in Tom’s truck for the purpose of finding a good place to swim and/or fucking and Tom is all like “Nooooppppeee not gay,” but then Devon blows him in the truck so that’s kinda the end of that.
Then they go to Granny’s house for reasons I don’t remember, but she’s missing and they find an ominous red snake instead, and Devon explains that he’s always felt a kinship to snakes. He also has this weird memory of being stuck in a snake pit while his ENTIRE FAMILY IS SCREAMING AND HE’S OKAY but then we skip over that particular trauma too and move along because apparently the theme of this book is “Mention some super disturbing shit like major character death/ snakepits but then gloss over it because buttsecks.”
So now I guess Tom is bisexual because they talk about condoms and Tom is all:
I don’t need no stinking condoms. I’m shifter. I was a shifter. I don’t know what I am now.
Then there’s some From Here to Eternity smexing on the beach and in the ocean and:
Their members jutted from their pelvises like great cedars, knocked together by a violent windstom.
Anyway, while they are having sex Tom’s time-travel penis fires up and all of sudden he remembers eleventy million years ago when he was Ghost Father, orca-shifter and king of his tribe, he was challenged by the serpent god Hei-et-lik. Hei-ei-lik almost kills Tom and says things like,
The men will become our slaves—if they are lucky. The women will be impregnated with our seed that only our children will be born along this coast. I shall take new brides to my bed, and do not think for a moment that I will neglect the grooms!
Tom and Devon come back to the present and realize Devon’s body is housing Hei-ei-lik’s spirit, and the only way for Tom to defeat him once and for all is to have buttsecks with Devon, thereby activating time-travel penis and fight He-ei-lik, but he can’t kill him because that’d kill Devon too.
Yeah, I actually just typed, “the only way for Tom to defeat him once and for all is to have buttsecks with Devon, thereby activating time-travel penis and fight He-ei-lik.”
You’re welcome.
So Tom’s all worried, but Devon says:
I want to kneel before the Orca King, Tom. I want to worship you as my god. Make love to me. Open the flood gates.
I would be really careful about that Devon, cuz he comes like, a lot. Just ask Marian
Then they have buttsecks. With no lube.
And Devon half-shifts in to a serpent and wants to kill Tom and says things like:
You are mine. Your ass is mine. Your life is mine.
Well, okay then.
I won’t tell you how it ends, but I will tell you that the blurb for the book lied. There is no orca whale/ sea serpent sex in this book. The closet we get is:
Devon maneuvered his tail under Ghost Father and encircled the great whale. He flicked the feathery barb at the end of his tail against Ghost Father’s prepucial slit where the great beastie’s penis remained hidden until it was time.
Time for what? I don’t know. I’m trying not to think about it.
I’ll leave the final words of this review with Tom Hiddleston:
I love you too, Tom.
This book is available from Goodreads | Amazon | BN | Kobo | iBooks.
You need a cookie tree for taking that hit!
*wild hoots of laughter*
Yep, reviews like these are why I know better than to eat or drink _anything_ while reading SBTB! Thanks for the review Elyse – I hope the cookies took away the pain of reading this book 🙂
And we love you Elyse! My brain is still trying to process all the crazysauce while I recover from a near-fatal case of snorts and giggles after reading another fantastic review. It’s so full of win from beginning to end! Thank you for taking one for the team . The from here to eternity scene between I’m-not-gay Chief and He-licks can’t end well. I guess Chief will have to buy him flowers the next day and poor He-licks will not be alive to enjoy them. I know I’m selfish and greedy and a bad person but could you please review the book featuring the luuurve between a woman and a bear ( not a bear-shifter, just a bear). Sarah posted about it in a Canadian related link (Sarah, I know you were thinking Elyse/Readheadedgirl for that one). You can take your time, you’ll be needing an ocean of bleach for your brain after this one. Heart you!
So what happened to Granny? Do we have to wait for The Orca King III to find out? Also, I’m really confused by this:
Is every kid born on the coast the child of one or the other? The implications of that are somewhat horrifying. I think I need more Tom Hiddleston to get the resulting images out of my mind!
I am happy my coffee cup is in the living room and not my office! Thanks once again, Elyse, for taking one for the SBTB team and giving me a good laugh this morning. You deserve a day full of cookies and your choice of adult lady beverage.
The beauty of the great cedars in my neighborhood has been sullied.
Crazysauce and Tom Hiddleston in one review. My Tuesday is now complete.
Oh, the T Hiddles made my day!!! But for real, that picture on the FB page? Is that a man’s arm coming out of that woman?
Sorry – forgot to include the cover in the entry. Was distracted by the Hiddlesplosion.
And I’m not really sure what’s going on with the cover. One of their hands appears to be…dissolving?
I initially misread this as “shellfish purposes.” It still made perfect sense.
Good lord.
I…
But…
OKAY THEN! Lesson of the day: all things ARE made better with Tom Hiddleston. But I’m not convinced that even Mr. Hiddleston could save that book. ;D
I love Sarah’s comment re “Hiddlesplosion” !! This review was awesome, thanks for taking yet another one for the SBST team!
This review is my new favourite thing EVER, although I think I broke something internal when I got to He can no longer shift and he can’t come either, which are apparently his two favorite activities.
Someday I will open a small shop selling useless nautical-themed knickknacks and call it Great Cedar Penis in tribute to this book. Okay, no. But I want to.
I AM DYING!
Thank you for using Hiddles in your review. You have no idea how much that means to me. Bad, good or somewhere in between, I love reviews. You just rocked my world, dear.
Now, when are you going to review “Mooncusser Cove?” I’m waiting. I’m waiting with all the patience of a great cedar tree growing near the shore of a bay where orcas frolic.
Thank you!
Darragha
I don’t know. I read this book and thought it was a fun time, but then again…I like to read about buttsex. 😀
I must admit that TOKII was written in retaliation. Oh, the things we do when irritated. There is an outlined TOKIII. There’s a great sex-in-a-confessional scene in it.
I might just pull it out and get ‘er done. Who wants to be notified when it comes out? <3
Elyse, you are a saint. I mean, you read that. Cedar members and all. I mean, wow.
Also, there is never a bad time for Hiddleston. If you want to have him review all the books, I am down with it.
I LOVE THIS SITE SO HARD. Thank you, thank you, thank you for doing that so I didn’t have to. With bonus Hiddleston. AMAZING. Yes. Thank you.
Oh, my, Sarah. I don’t know if there are enough cookies in the world for that.
This review is getting posted all over creation. It must be the Hiddles memes. I’m totally making cookies and icing them all “Smart Bitches rock.”
Darragha should get some of the cookies though for showing up and being a good sport! 😀 They should also be handed to her by Tom!
You all have no idea how appropriate Hiddles is in this review. Curious? Ask me. I’ll give you the low-down on Darragha. It isn’t a co-incidence that Hiddles was used. It was fated. Neener. Neener.
Cookies!
Elyse – Loved your review. Your willingness to sacrifice brain cells for us is a kindness that can never be repaid. I do have one question – what merited or salvaged this fine piece of literature from it’s assumed rating of F to F+? Just curious.
Darragha: OOH OOH tell me you cast Tom as your lead in your head when you wrote the book. 😀
Jan, F+ is a special rating for when a book is full of so much craziness it’s glorious
Darragha , you are a total champ!
Wait… Wait… What if Darragha Foster is Tom Hiddleston’s pen name? WHAT IF TO
WROTE THE ORCA KING?
So did Tom give or receive? I am so confused.
I think TOKIII should come out just so it can be reviewed here. Lord I needed that laugh today.
🙂
@Abi Now I have the “he was a selfish shellfish” kid’s song stuck in my head. Anyone else? Haven’t thought of that in years. And never in this context!
@Elyse, I was thinking the same thing! Tom as a secret romance writer would be crazy awesome.
Thanks for including all things Hiddleston with your review. My crappy day at work is fading into the distance. Or maybe it’s the Angry Orchard. Either way, I salute you.
I’m so happy to have caused you all to piddle yourselves in delight. And I mean that in all sincerity. Now…Hiddles as a romance novelist…not that I’m aware.
If you’ve gone apoplectic post reading of this review, or gods help us, the book itself, please email me and I’ll have Big Tom (alas, not Hiddles) take you whale riding. Always a perk up. And UP.
I salute you, Elyse and Darrahga! Y’all have Made. My. Day.
And nobody has yet said, “Fucking his ass, saving his life”?
(….. I’m not sure whether to be proud of being first with that or, um, not)
I can attest to the fact that Darrahga is not Tom lol. Darrahga you know I love your damn craziness! Gonna dig out my original TOK 1 for the hubby to read! Keep them cumming!
I feel this great urge to draw a one panel comic of someone on their deathbed whispering ‘salty whale penis’.
Thank you, Elyse, your selfless courage has not been in vain. There were many lols.
It’s funny, in the review of the first book I was picturing Salty Whale Penis Man as this sort of epic, mysterious figure. Y’know, utterly crazysauce ridiculous, but none the less epic and mysterious. In this one he sounds like kind of a shmuck. The sort of dude who mutters jealously to himself in bars over ballplayers, and sez ‘no homo’ right before getting blown in his truck.
Next time with sound bits,pleeeeeeez, with Tom’s beautiful, deep voice?
Where do I send cookies? I am so happy right now.
I think I might have squeeed in the doctor’s office waiting room when I saw the headline for this review this morning. Unfortunately, my crappy BB wouldn’t allow me to load the webpage to see full review/Hiddlesploision and I had to wait until I got home to boot up the ol’ laptop. Well, it was worth the wait! Thanks Elyse for all the giggles, and yes it was great to see Darragha doesn’t take things too seriously 😉
What no Moby Dick jokes? Srsly?
Elyse, I want to have your babies. Your time-traveling salty Orca seed babies.
And Darragha, you are a rock star (with a great attitude). I will ALSO have YOUR time-traveling salty Orca seed babies. And then all the babies can live in a magical Hiddlestonian ocean of love and hope.