After I reviewed the orca-shifter, time-travel penis crazysauce that is The Orca King, several people begged me to review the sequel The Orca King II which according to Amazon contains “orca whale and sea serpent sex play,” and I was all nuh-uh, I already took one for the team. But I love you fellow Smart Bitches, so I bought it after all.
Also I might have been promised cookies.
I was actually waiting for my appointment at the nail salon when I pulled this baby up on my phone and read it. I believe that my manicurist assumed I had diarrhea or some other form of gastric distress based on my facial expression because she kept asking me if I needed a water or the restroom before she started my manicure.
The Orca King II is so gloriously bad that I am unable to review it by myself. So I have enlisted the aid of Tom Hiddleston for no other reason than because I can.
Okay, so remember how in the Orca King Marian met her soul mate Big Tom aka “Chief” on a whale watching tour?
And he was the whale?
And he put his time-travel penis inside her to show her that they were once together in a past life?
And he filled her with “and ocean of love and hope,” which I assume is a nice way of saying a whole bucketful of come?
Yeah, me too. I’ll fucking remember that till I die. I can’t remember my own phone number or where the fuck my keys are, but I’ll remember salty whale penis until the end of time. “Salty whale penis” may be my dying words. Actually, I kind of hope they are because I bet that’ll get the hospice workers talking.
So anyway, I was led to believe that Marian and Big Tom were meant to be together, hence all the supernatural shit in the first book, but apparently not because we forget about her entirely in the sequel. Big Tom makes some reference to Marian apparently growing old and dying, but the first book was clearly set in the present and the sequel is clearly set in the present, so WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? Also Marian was pregnant, but no mention of what happened to their kid. Was the kid an orca shifter? WAS IT HALF WHALE, HALF HUMAN? If so, which is the better half to be whale, top or bottom? I’m going bottom, personally.
NONE OF THAT MATTERS THOUGH BECAUSE BIG TOM NEEDS TO HAVE BUTTSECKS WITH A SEA SERPENT.
And I think that’s what made the most mad about the sequel. If you’re going to build a crazysauce world, stick to your narrative. Don’t just “eh, she’s dead,” so that Big Tom can have sex with a serpent shifter. I mean, Marian was so in love with Big Tom that she was sexually attracted to a mother fucking whale. You can’t just gloss over that!
Anyway, when The Orca King II opens up, Big Tom is cursed. He can no longer shift and he can’t come either, which are apparently his two favorite activities. He has to atone for all the ladies he’s smexed over the years. Apparently Big Tom put his time-travel penis to use for selfish purposes, taking women on time-travel penis spirit journeys that were not necessary.
Are any time-travel penis spirit journeys necessary, I ask?
I don’t know. But now Big Tom has to make up for it.
So how does he make up for it you ask? Well, Granny, the ancient Native American fortune teller from the previous books, tells Tom that he has to fight an old enemy with love or some shit like that.
So Tom is all full of self-pity and he goes to this bar and there are all these minor league baseball players there for some tournament or something and Tom isn’t happy about it.
“Damn,” he said softly. “Ballplayers.” In the past he’d lost quite a few women to those uniformed buggers. Not that it mattered now. He was off women.
But then this one ballplayer, Devon, comes up to the bar and Tom feels this super overwhelming attraction to him, which is crazy, because Tom is most definitely not bi. We know he’s not because he reminds us of that constantly. Not bi. Nope. He likes the ladies.
And this pissed me off too, because there isn’t a lot of book here (71 pages), and on top of coming to terms with Tom having sex with a snake-shifter, we have to watch him question his own sexuality too. And this book literally spans like twenty-four hours so…
I mean, why not just have Tom be bisexual? I AM READING A BOOK ABOUT A WHALE AND SEA SEREPENT FUCKING, BUT THE BI-SEXUALITY PART MIGHT SET ME OVER THE EDGE? That was the piece that needed a fuckton of justification?
I have no response to that. Other than:
So Devon and Tom get in Tom’s truck for the purpose of finding a good place to swim and/or fucking and Tom is all like “Nooooppppeee not gay,” but then Devon blows him in the truck so that’s kinda the end of that.
Then they go to Granny’s house for reasons I don’t remember, but she’s missing and they find an ominous red snake instead, and Devon explains that he’s always felt a kinship to snakes. He also has this weird memory of being stuck in a snake pit while his ENTIRE FAMILY IS SCREAMING AND HE’S OKAY but then we skip over that particular trauma too and move along because apparently the theme of this book is “Mention some super disturbing shit like major character death/ snakepits but then gloss over it because buttsecks.”
So now I guess Tom is bisexual because they talk about condoms and Tom is all:
I don’t need no stinking condoms. I’m shifter. I was a shifter. I don’t know what I am now.
Then there’s some From Here to Eternity smexing on the beach and in the ocean and:
Their members jutted from their pelvises like great cedars, knocked together by a violent windstom.
Anyway, while they are having sex Tom’s time-travel penis fires up and all of sudden he remembers eleventy million years ago when he was Ghost Father, orca-shifter and king of his tribe, he was challenged by the serpent god Hei-et-lik. Hei-ei-lik almost kills Tom and says things like,
The men will become our slaves—if they are lucky. The women will be impregnated with our seed that only our children will be born along this coast. I shall take new brides to my bed, and do not think for a moment that I will neglect the grooms!
Tom and Devon come back to the present and realize Devon’s body is housing Hei-ei-lik’s spirit, and the only way for Tom to defeat him once and for all is to have buttsecks with Devon, thereby activating time-travel penis and fight He-ei-lik, but he can’t kill him because that’d kill Devon too.
Yeah, I actually just typed, “the only way for Tom to defeat him once and for all is to have buttsecks with Devon, thereby activating time-travel penis and fight He-ei-lik.”
So Tom’s all worried, but Devon says:
I want to kneel before the Orca King, Tom. I want to worship you as my god. Make love to me. Open the flood gates.
I would be really careful about that Devon, cuz he comes like, a lot. Just ask Marian
Then they have buttsecks. With no lube.
And Devon half-shifts in to a serpent and wants to kill Tom and says things like:
You are mine. Your ass is mine. Your life is mine.
Well, okay then.
I won’t tell you how it ends, but I will tell you that the blurb for the book lied. There is no orca whale/ sea serpent sex in this book. The closet we get is:
Devon maneuvered his tail under Ghost Father and encircled the great whale. He flicked the feathery barb at the end of his tail against Ghost Father’s prepucial slit where the great beastie’s penis remained hidden until it was time.
Time for what? I don’t know. I’m trying not to think about it.
I’ll leave the final words of this review with Tom Hiddleston:
I love you too, Tom.