Today is a good day for Cover Snark! Fair warning that you probably should abstain from eating or drinking while reading this post.
Amanda: This cover does not look like it belongs in this decade.
And it came out last year.
Redheadedgirl: Where did his leg go?
Amanda: Her vagina.
Elyse: Those are some 80s jeans right there. Wow.
Sarah: I would SWEAR to you this is a still from an 80’s hairband music video. I bet she’s wearing lace ankle-booties. In a minute they’ll drive off into the sunset on the horizon with dust flying behind them.
I can almost hear the synthesizer and the key-tar.
This next cover snark is inspired by this tweet by Robin Bradford:
https://twitter.com/tuphlos/status/727574008946810880
Also, definitely give her a follow on Twitter just for the #collectiondevelopment hashtag alone!
Sarah: OH MY GOD BECKY LOOK AT HER BUTT.
Amanda: “Aw dammit. I broke a fucking nail.”
Sarah: I just got this manicure fucking YESTERDAY.
Amanda: Had I known there was going to be a battle, I would have rescheduled! “Get a gel manicure,” they said. “It’ll last longer,” they said. Well clearly not when you’re up to your ass in fire and brimstone!
Carrie: I can’t beat the butt comment.
Never bring a lightsaber dagger to a gargoyle fight.
Redheadedgirl: Jim C. Hines would snap his spine and neck trying that one.
Sarah: Which, the girl or the gargoyle? Or both?
From Reader C:Â On Bookbub is a cover, well, it’s a book, but the cover? I have some concern about the guy. I believe he has an extra arm muscle. Ah, if that extra is actually a baby’s face and that oversized pectoral muscle the body. Other than those things not being normal the image makes sense. Or the upper shoulder area has a face which, when all is said and done, not normal either.
Elyse: Is that the Hulk?
Carrie: His bicep has a larger circumference than her waist.
Amanda: I just keep looking back from her arm to his and I do not like it.
Sarah: Everything about the composition of this image points to his nipple. Which, admittedly, is rather impressive.
Elyse: WTF is even going on here?
Amanda: If he’s doing her from behind, he must have an extremely long penis.
Redheadedgirl: Where is his arm?
Why isn’t she wearing a shift?
Is he staring at himself in the mirror?
Elyse: He’s missing his other arm and she looks like she’s pulling up her pants.
Sarah: Well, you know, hipsters have been known to fall in love when the ladies have their hot pants on and up.
Elyse: He looks like he just discreetly sniffed his pit to see if he forgot deodorant.
Redheadedgirl: (Spoiler: he did)
Amanda: We’ve all done the pit check a time or two in our lives.
Redheadedgirl: This morning.
Elyse: I keep a spare stick of Secret in my desk. You never know.
Amanda: I forgot to bring deodorant to New York one time and I was having meeting with some publishers. I wound up buying a stick at a CVS on my way uptown and putting it on the Simon & Schuster bathrooms. Sorry, Simon & Schuster!
He’s not the only one with arm problems in the third cover. Her arm coming out of the sleeve is half the size of the arm going in. It’s like her dress sucked all the flesh out and just left skin and bone. Which may also explain her wasp waist and apparent lack of boobage.
I think my face looks about the same as that gargoyle’s when I am woken up before my alarm clock goes off.
Yeah, it’s all going to hell in a hand basket after that…
This is absolutely hysterical (covers and comments!). Sadly, my debut cover is similarly depressing! Pity the poor authors who must convince readers not to judge their books by their covers. Nothing like being noticed for the wrong reasons. As if life isn’t tough enough.
Oh @Maggie McConnell, same. SAME. The hero of my first book is tall, mid-30s, distinguished. The dude on the cover is young, short, and has (shudder) a mullet. Or maybe it’s a fuzzy ponytail. The jury is still out on that, but either way…*sob*
The top one immediately brought to mind “Cool Rider” from Grease 2, which is one of the worst earworms ever. Dammit.
(I wanna a cooool rider… a cool cool cool cool rider)
See, in the third one I think he’s sniffing his elbow, not his pit. As in, “Great, another bitch who uses that damn vanilla lotion. Gag!”
The gargoyle’s right arm is discreetly placed, just saying.
Agree with Sandra about the malformation of the woman’s arm – to me it looked mummified. That, combined with the weirdly bulbous construction of his pectoral area makes me think it was a mistake for them to get together.
The top one: If it were the 80’s? Her hair would be moussed for the curly wet look. I *cough* sported that look in high school. It does remind me of Grease. “Look at me I’m Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity”
He would have a permed mullet. I permed many a mullet in my teen years (I’m a beauty school dropout). Also that leather jacket would be a members only jacket. 🙂
The top one should also have shoulder pads. Massive, massive shoulder pads.
Don’t blame the guy from the first cover. He paid a leg in order to time-travel and save himself and his love from 80s hairstyles.
The ‘Less Than a Lady’ cover…what genre is this? Is it sci-fi? I’m concerned by the ratio of her head and back/shoulders to her waist that he may be siphoning her life force. Not with his penis, because clearly we’re talking camel vs. eye of needle at that point.
@Maggie McConnell I think your cover is perfectly lovely!
Awww, thank you, Baird.(BTW, someone actually put thought into your covers.) But your comment pretty much describes the problem with my cover (other than Daisy’s hair looks like squirrels have chewed on it and she’s wearing a halter top in Alaska–seriously? And don’t get me started on her chin and jawline. And what are they looking at?). The “sweet” cover doesn’t represent the pages. But, no it’s probably not as bad as the covers here. So if this is the worst thing that happens in my life, I’ll be okay. And thank you, Baird, for being kind.
@Maggie I LIVE in Alaska. Can confirm: halter tops are worn here. Our seasons are ‘Winter’ and ‘Disappointed’ so there are no clothing rules.
My cover guy is A-MAZING and works for peanuts and does unlimited revisions for free.I don’t know the rules for promo on here, but if you like his work shoot me an email and I’ll send you his way 🙂 wells.baird and I use gmail