Last week, Jane sent me some Longarm, by which I mean she attached about six different Longarm covers to an email message and I barely remained upright. These were so bizarre, I asked her to snark them with me. But first, Jane answers the burning question, HOW DID YOU FIND THESE?
Jane: I was searching Berkley published books in an effort to find some deals. I came across these. I think that there are several hundred of them published.
Sarah: Yup. After doing some research, I found this Wikipedia entry which states that there is one Longarm novel published nearly every month. There are nearly 400 in the series – in fact, #400, Longarm and the 400 Blows comes out (snerk) February 28. The series is distinguished “from classical westerns by the inclusion of more explicit sex and violence.” So one per month, with more sex and violence. Yeah. I am going to start Longarming people who sniff at romance.
Sarah: Setting aside the Best Perm Ever, he's chasing his perpetrator through the back door while somehow hiding beneath another woman's skirt. WOW. HOW IS THIS NOT A MOVIE?
Jane: She looks so happy getting rogered up the ass. Like she is being tickled by his “long arm” in her vagina.
Sarah: Longarm is straight up getting to second base on this cover. This guy does not mess around.
Jane: I'm not sure what is going on with Longarm in this picture because neither of his long arms are actually in the clinch. Her dress is falling off which suggests that the Longarm activity took place at some point. Perhaps off scene, just prior to the the curtain drawing up.
Sarah: Does “doomed” mean “bored” where Longarm is from?
Jane: My first read of this cover always is the “Domed Beauty” Like a beauty with a dome head or something. I think the chick is bored because he is smelling her armpit.
Sarah: All these…guns… pointed out. What could they mean? And whoever the model was for Longarm's covers, he must have LOVED his job.
Jane: Are the two women featured in the cover the same? Should it actually be Santa Fe widows? Am so confused.
Sarah: HOW did Harlequin MISS THAT? Not just virgins but paranormal vanishing virgins? What came next, Longarm and the Yelling Lady on 49th Street? Longarm and the Boardroom Mistress? Longarm and the Hosiery Saleswoman?
Jane: I think there was a typo on the cover and a few letters left off. Should have been Longarm and the Vanishing Virginity. My guess is that Longarm knew where the hymen was.
BUT WAIT, there is MORE. With some sort of librarian sixth sense, Rachel Z. scanned some Longarms (how did they fit in the scanner?) as she was shelving them this week, as she had to share the WTFery. Ah, Longarm, the gift that keeps on giving.
Rachel: There are just so many people on that cover. And the old lady just looks creepy.
Sarah: LOOK! Longarm is rogering another girl up the ass with the Druid Sisters! That man is NOT RIGHT. But I guess with one book per month, the rogering images have to be recycled. This will be the best Etsy trend ever: Upcycled Buttsecks!
Jane: Can one's dick become smaller after so much use? Like the vaginas are whittling away at it? Also? He never looks like he is sexxoring up the same female character on the cover. Like there are two women on the cover, one who is featured and the other that is in his bed.