Can This Cover Be Saved?

Remember that feature in Good Housekeeping or Ladies’ Home Journal or whatever it was, Can This Marriage Be Saved? People acting like complete buttnoids to one another, and then seeking help to stop them from their buttnoidal behavior? Perhaps that kind of intervention might help us in the world of romance covers. Or maybe the answer to the question is really just, “No.”

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Candy: Good lord! Gillian Anderson has been reduced to making 80s-style screwball softcore porn—with Ian Ziering! Oh, how have the mighty fallen. What would Mulder say? I mean, seriously: IAN FUCKING ZIERING? *weeps into X-Files DVDs*

Sarah: Remember when your granny used to say if you made that face enough your face will freeze that way? Let this be a lesson to the blow job hoes of the world.

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Candy: Being divine has never been more dangerous because the it’s hard to be effective when you have the proportions, flexibility and wardrobe of a motherfucking Barbie Doll. I mean, seriously, is anyone else as sick of female secret agents and other asskicking action types wearing the most impractical, downright dangerous clothing? Boots with stiletto heels. Skin-tight vinyl that’s not just hellishly difficult to maneuver in, but is shiny and screamingly pink, because hey, making her an easy target is totally a viable survival method—if nothing else, the enemies will be too busy laughing or staring at her breasts to be effective.

But the outfit’s the least of her worries. Somebody teach the deity there how to aim, because she’s either trying to shoot the kneecaps off of Hervé Villechaize’s ghost, or she’s aiming for the bad guys’ toes.

Sarah: He looks pissed off. And you know why he’s pissed off? The plastique woman to his left is freaking glowing and you have no idea how badly glowing hobags screw up your aim.

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Candy: “Oh noooo! I’m a porn actress who’s been attacked by the Cover Artist Who Doesn’t Know How To Use the Skew and Distort Tools in Photoshop! My aspect ratio is seriously wonky! I need to be fixed before I head over to shoot Sexy Sorority Sluts IV: Slammin’ Log-Jammin’. Haaalp!”

Sarah: Sweet Christ, it’s a ho trifecta. Only instead of o-face ho or glowing plastique ho, we have acrylic-nail ho with strabismus and a really weird phone. Bitch, is that my WaMu card!?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Ann Aguirre says:

    OMG, Poor Linnea. Oy, the infamy. This cover for Accidental Goddess wasn’t her choice. Ultimately marketing people said, “This will sell more books!” Apparently people buy books with women in scarlet latext jumpsuits, who knew? Gillaine certainly does not appear in any such outfit in the pages of the book.

  2. 2
    Charlene says:

    Poor Linnea. She has JESSICA SIMPSON on the cover of her novel.

    I’d prefer an army of yellow zombie Fabios.

  3. 3
    Wry Hag says:

    Well, I’m still not sick of blow-job ho’s—since I operate under the assumption I’m not too old to learn something from them—but I’m damned well pants-full sick of asskicking Barbies who shoot sparks. 

    Once, just once I’d like to see an alpha chick who weighs about 320 lbs., buys her clothes at Goodwill, and can pulverize any-fucking-body-whether-human-or-alien without ever leaving her recliner and has her pick of boinkers, to boot.  Now THAT would be an inspiration.

    The sorority bopper I’ll leave alone.  She’s got problems enough being stuck via a used condom to the inside of a wallet.

  4. 4
    Suisan says:

    I’ve looked.

    I’ve giggled.

    And I’ve decided. No. None of these covers can be saved. The “Stealing Amy” one is very disturbing. The skew thing going on there is making me dizzy.

    The rest are just making me nauseated.

  5. 5
    rebyj says:

    the fella in the first cover has his hands on his crotch guiding his freakishly long penis towards the gal, and obvious by her facial expression, he’s hit the wrong hole.

    admit it, its happened to all of us at one time or another.

    men with bad aims that is..i’ve yet to get ahold of a freakishly long penis!

  6. 6
    dl says:

    #2 Bright skin-tight vinyl with panty lines…don’t move Gillaine, that shirt is sizes too small, if you move those boobs are going to pop right out and get stuck in the dumbass slit.

    This was a fairly good book, but the cover will scare off potential readers.

    #3 Just another Jr. High bimbo with daddy’s credit cards…I’m certainly not going to read it.

    Honestly, what are the publishers thinking of?  Are they trying to chase readers away?  So many industries these days do studies and stuff to determine how to best market their products…publishing clearly runs on a different agenda.  Bookcovers are my best friend.

  7. 7
    Charlene says:

    About that first cover, by the way – I see the guy (he’s the one in the foreground, rocking the Max Webster haircut) and the ghost (he’s the one in the background with the pseudopod emerging from his stomach), but where’s the girl?

    Guy has nice grey-brown eyebrows to go with that bright red hair. Also guy is a conehead.

  8. 8
    Jennie says:

    That’s the “O” face that the guy from the Office Space movie talks about.

    Oh, Oh, Oh!

    (Anyone else still not over the image of that silicone penis link from last week?  I fear I may never recover!)

  9. 9
    zzedar says:

    “Somebody teach the deity there how to aim, because she’s either trying to shoot the kneecaps off of Hervé Villechaize’s ghost, or she’s aiming for the bad guys’ toes.”

    I think that’s a sword she’s holding, not a gun.

  10. 10
    Candy says:

    I think that’s a sword she’s holding, not a gun.

    You’re right. But it’s a sword that’s shooting SPARKY CRAP. RIGHT AT Hervé Villechaize’s knees.

  11. 11
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Aside from the first one, which really defies all measures of sense and taste, I’ve seen worse. I mean, that’s what you Bitches have done to me. These covers actually rank in the “not as bad as they could be” category!

  12. 12
    Cait says:

    #1 That dude looks like someone you see in a bar. He seems as if he’s standing far away at first, but then two second later he’s groping you and you have NO IDEA how he got over to you so fast. Creepy Dude Syndrome. Bitch on the cover knows it’s true.

    #2 Goddess’s left hand is seriously mis-shapen. And is seriously looks as if she’s using the sword as a cattle prod. No one holds a sword like that unless they have no clue how a sword works. Also, is that dude on the cover her father? He seems a bit…older than her.

    #3 SWEET…VALLEY…BROTHEL…and identity theft operation…

  13. 13
    Cait says:

    Also….DE PLANE, DE PLANE!!! Ow, bitch, those are my kneecaps! Are you TRYING to make me shorter?

  14. 14
    Laree says:

    Bwahahahahahahahaha!

    Snort.

  15. 15
    Marty says:

    Ok the first cover models look more like Toni Collette and Freddie Prinze Jr.(as Fred in Scooby Doo)than Gillian Anderson and Ian Zierning.  Nope can’t save it.

    The second cover is also a lost cause since pink pleather catsuit and Barbie just cannot be separated, they glued her into it.

    The last cover is also already down the toilet since the Tracy Lords wannabe just cannot be rescued.

  16. 16
    Nathalie says:

    Linnea, we weep with you! Don’t despair, I see a bright (pink) future where asskickin’ scifi heroes will wear flashy latex suits, too.

    What?! A girl can dream.

    Look at Wolverine! Yellow and brown Spandex, hehehehehe…

  17. 17
    December says:

    Yes, back in the archives of Kristin Nelson’s blog she talks about that awful Sinclair cover (Sinclair is one of her clients) and how the publisher insisted.

  18. 18
    Nora Roberts says:

    What’s wrong with Ian’s torso? Is that one really, REALLY big, long rib in there? Or does his weenie start at his shoulder, snaking under his skin on its way to his crotch? No wonder Gillian’s scared. Or inappropriately excited.

    Who is Goddess Barbie waving to? Did she use her own magic sparking sword to slash her top so her boobies could breathe?

    Young Blonde Bim-ho has a scary manicure, an out-of-date phone with white paint on the cord and a big, giant bim-ho eating wallet coming after her. Will help arrive in time?

  19. 19
    Ellen says:

    Thank you for pointing out the wonky aspect ratio on that last one!  I just got new glasses, and for a moment there I was wondering if I needed to take them back.

  20. 20
    DS says:

    WHAT have you all done to me?  In just an hour and a half I have to talk about two serious immunological problems.  HOW am I going to get the silly grin off my face by then?

    Cover #1.  I couldn’t convince myself that these two people were in the same cover.  He would have to be floating a few feet off the floor or else standing on a pile of dictionaries.  I’m also trying to decide if he is very, very small or she is very, very large.

    Cover #2.  This one doesn’t cause me much surprise.  Evidence sf publishers still think the golden age of sf is 13 and the average sf reader is male.  I have lived through the ages of Frazetta and Vallejo.  This too will pass.

    Cover #3.  Is that giant wallet lurking in the background ready to close on her or it the hero?  All of those millionaire romance heroes condensed into a single image?

  21. 21

    On top of all the other problems with #1, the guy’s underwear is pulled up ABOVE the waist of his jeans. Sexxxxxy. Or maybe it’s a subtle hint. You know, my penis is so big, I have to wear the big underpants, darlin’.

  22. 22

    Poor Linnea!  Her book deserved a better cover.

    As to #3, the distortion is giving me vertigo.  Someone stop them before they Photoshop again!

  23. 23
    Nathalie says:

    “the guy’s underwear is pulled up ABOVE the waist of his jeans. Sexxxxxy”

    Victoria, doll, you cost me half a box of tissue.

    “I have lived through the ages of Frazetta and Vallejo.  This too will pass. “

    And DS, I weep with you.
    Check this gem
    http://www.lambiek.net/artists/f/frazetta/frazetta_frank_famous53.jpg
    from the incomparable Monsieur Frazetta.

    Notice the year…

    P.S. sorry, I can’t link and quote properly…

  24. 24
    Jess says:

    My reaction on the first one: that looks like Samantha Bee from the Jon Stewart show. And I can’t help but feel like something was photoshopped OUT of her mouth. I think the only thing that could save that photo would be to take the people out of it.  Just the graveyard is better than what they’ve done.  Buy, hey, at least it’s not poser.

  25. 25
    Anya Bast says:

    I had to put in a word for Accidental Goddess. LOVED that book.

    The cover for A Girl, A Guy and a Ghost is just…it’s just…well, words fail me.

  26. 26

    You titled this “Can This Cover Be Saved?”

    I don’t think any of these covers can be saved…unless they were never made in the first place.

    All of them look like I could make them in PhotoShop as a joke…and I may have.

    My entry code is house96—my favorite TV show and my favorite year. How cool is that.

  27. 27
    maggie says:

    OH MY GOD!
    Where even to begin there is so much wrong here.
    The first cover has a ghost?!? Is the ghost in his pants or is it her after she’s fully transformed into Pinhead?  I would make that face too if I had sharp metal object shooting out of my head.

    The “artist” for Accidental Goddess should win the awkward hand award. His moto If the hand has no function just stick it in somewhere. Yeah that’s natural. I wonder if he has ever seen a picture where both hands are holding the gun or sparkle shooting sword?

    Three did not even try.. This is a 1-900-HOT-GIRLS ad. I think I have seen it on late night TV. Stealing Amy needs to be replaced with Call Me Now.

  28. 28
    Victoria says:

    I loved an Accidental Goddess, and read it a bunch of times, but ouch! what a cover! when i was reading it i was like “huh? no way she would wear something like that!”

  29. 29
    Janetm says:

    Randy Jeanne’s book is good but I’m interested in why the concept of a woman with her mouth open is more disturbing than lashings o mantitty and heroic grimaces.

  30. 30
    Randy says:

    Hey, the good news is that my parents kinda confused me with my cover and thought I’d finally gotten my nails done. As an added bonus, similarly confused guys see my Myspace site and hit on me.

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