Remember that feature in Good Housekeeping or Ladies’ Home Journal or whatever it was, Can This Marriage Be Saved? People acting like complete buttnoids to one another, and then seeking help to stop them from their buttnoidal behavior? Perhaps that kind of intervention might help us in the world of romance covers. Or maybe the answer to the question is really just, “No.”
Candy: Good lord! Gillian Anderson has been reduced to making 80s-style screwball softcore porn—with Ian Ziering! Oh, how have the mighty fallen. What would Mulder say? I mean, seriously: IAN FUCKING ZIERING? *weeps into X-Files DVDs*
Sarah: Remember when your granny used to say if you made that face enough your face will freeze that way? Let this be a lesson to the blow job hoes of the world.
Candy: Being divine has never been more dangerous because the it’s hard to be effective when you have the proportions, flexibility and wardrobe of a motherfucking Barbie Doll. I mean, seriously, is anyone else as sick of female secret agents and other asskicking action types wearing the most impractical, downright dangerous clothing? Boots with stiletto heels. Skin-tight vinyl that’s not just hellishly difficult to maneuver in, but is shiny and screamingly pink, because hey, making her an easy target is totally a viable survival method—if nothing else, the enemies will be too busy laughing or staring at her breasts to be effective.
But the outfit’s the least of her worries. Somebody teach the deity there how to aim, because she’s either trying to shoot the kneecaps off of Hervé Villechaize’s ghost, or she’s aiming for the bad guys’ toes.
Sarah: He looks pissed off. And you know why he’s pissed off? The plastique woman to his left is freaking glowing and you have no idea how badly glowing hobags screw up your aim.
Candy: “Oh noooo! I’m a porn actress who’s been attacked by the Cover Artist Who Doesn’t Know How To Use the Skew and Distort Tools in Photoshop! My aspect ratio is seriously wonky! I need to be fixed before I head over to shoot Sexy Sorority Sluts IV: Slammin’ Log-Jammin’. Haaalp!”
Sarah: Sweet Christ, it’s a ho trifecta. Only instead of o-face ho or glowing plastique ho, we have acrylic-nail ho with strabismus and a really weird phone. Bitch, is that my WaMu card!?