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Title: Ravished By The Triceretops
Author: Christie and Alara Branwen Sims
Publication Info: Amazon Digital Services September 2013
ISBN: B00EZCQADA
Genre: Erotica/Erotic Romance
When Sarah sends me an email with a link that says, “This is relevant to your interests” I should know by know that she does not have my best interests at heart. She has YOUR best interests at heart, because y’all seem to find my head explosions entertaining.
This is, as you may be able to tell, a dinosaur (!) beastiality (!) short story (thank fuck) that is exactly what it says on the tin. It’s a prehistoric tribe of some kind. Our…. Heroine seems to be the wrong word here… main female character, Beliria, has just turned 18 an in order to become a fully fledged woman of the tribe she needs to go out into the wilderness naked and kill a dinosaur.
(We will pause for the obligatory “but people and dinosaurs did not co-exist!” howls. Is this what happens when creationists who think people and dinosaurs co-existed write erotica?) (Don’t answer that.)
Why does she need to be naked? WHY NOT. THERE ARE DINOSAURS. DON’T ASK QUESTIONS.
She decides, because she’s planning on being the awesomest, to go kill a triceratops. Because she is no Ayla of the Clan/No People/Mamutoi/Zelandonii (look, I did that without looking it up, WOOOOOO I’m never getting those braincells back) she does not succeed and somehow manages to injure the male enough that the female decides he’s unworthy.
And so the male decides that he needs a new mate and fucks Beliria. Look, I can’t figure out the mechanics here, because these seem to be actual triceratops-sized Triceratops, but the dick was apparently not proportional, otherwise it just wouldn’t have FIT, you know?
And that’s the story- the sex was fantastic (….sure), she runs away, and tell her tribe that she thinks she’s found a way to trap the triceratops. THE END.
I mean.
WHAT.
That’s a thing I actually read.
To be fair, this didn’t drag on longer than it needed to (in as much as it needed to exist AT ALL). It was a solid 5,200 words (that cost $3 so it’s fucking overpriced). It had a beginning, middle, and end and not a bit more, so that’s something. The writing itself wasn’t great but it wasn’t egregious. Maybe there’s good stories in this author somewhere.
BUT WHY DID THIS NEED TO EXIST. WHY.
AND WHY DID THE STARS ALIGN THAT SARAH FOUND OUT ABOUT IT AND THEN SENT IT TO ME? I HAD A PERFECTLY LOVELY LIFE WITHOUT THIS KNOWLEDGE AND NOW I CAN NEVER LIVE A LIFE WHERE I DID NOT READ THIS.
Look, let me tell you. The were-hedgehog book was better. THINK ABOUT THAT.
This book is available from Goodreads | Amazon | BN. You can read more about the dino-rotica at The Mary Sue and Jezebel, because why wouldn't you want to?
ETA: Geekologie! Geekologie was the original source of the dino-rotica. Thank you, Geekologie!
I’m home from work, sick with tonsillitis, and this made me laugh so hard that I actually cried. And because I am so bored, I now have a horrifying urge to read this craziness. 🙂
RedHairedGirl, you truly perform a public service. This is one for the ages.
Speaking of bestiality with sea creatures (as you do.) So, I saw an image yesterday, that is seared on my eyeballs, and I must of course scar the rest of you for life.
I saw this story on Huffington Post about a Shunga exhibit at the British Museum of Japanese erotic painting that are centuries old: [NSFW!!]
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/01/shunga-exhibit_n_4018457.html
And then they show the picture of a woman being serviced by two, not just one, octopi. This is a painting from 1814! So Triceratops girl is nothing new, I guess.
Scroll down through all the images (and yes they are explicit), because the last one of a cat batting at a guys balls while he goes at it is a riot.
Next up – “Pleasured by the Platypus”
That one will involve spanking—Built in paddle!
harthad, the cuttlefish gangbang book I referred to above is “Someone to Cuttle” by Luna Loupe. Its listing at Amazon describes it as Gay Cuttlefish Shapeshifter Erotica. Reading the reviews nearly made me pee my pants.
“Next up – “Pleasured by the Platypus” – He’s just a platypus. He doesn’t do very much.
“Cuttle Fish Gangbang” sounds like a Frankie Avalon / Annette Funicello movie.
So glad I popped in today. It’s given me valuable down time in a day otherwise filled with cataloging and database cleanup.
re Hedging His Bets, someone has been reading it on YouTube.
You’re welcome.
Oh Dog, Todd! You spoke it! Now it exists, and Rule 34…Rule 34…Rule 34……..
I’m begging you please,no more….I can’t stop laughing …and as for the bloke READING HHB,well, Beatrix Potter certainly missed a trick with Mrs Tiggywinkle 😉
I especially love the tags for this book review. It made me laugh to read them.
I recall reading a short story [where? why??] about a woman who had a child with a dolphin….
@harthad @Tamara Hogan – that’s the one! (thank goodness there’s only one cuttlefish gang-bang book). And the Amazon reviews are hilarious.
@moviemavengal – I know that Hokusai image. I talk about Japanese woodblock prints when I teach History of Graphic Design and I’ve learned to warn my college students not to do a google image search for Hokusai on a public computer. He did a lot of erotica (with and without octopi).
@Riflaum… this video is totally NSFW but talks about “male member” size in the animal kingdom. There is stuffed bean bag pillows as comparison.
I…I’m sorry…I can’t stop laughing…!
This seriously exists?! Like, how do they…how can they even…?!
I will have nightmares over this. Terrifying, horrific nightmares.
I am laughing so much I had to type my email addy 3 times. Life would be so much better if I could stop laughing so I could go to bed because I have to go to work tomorrow. I am afraid to read the comments in case I end up laughing more (is that possible?). Seriously (except that I am still laughing), thanks for taking one for the team. I am sorry that a world in which you have not read this no longer exists. But thank you.
When I saw the title of the book here, I thought “That sounds like the worst porno ever made”—and it looks like I was 100% right (if anyone filmed it—please don’t).
And for those going the PHINEAS AND FERB route with “Pleasured by the Platypus,” while I’m scared to look for it, I’m sure some people have made their own possible stories, definite art exploring that. After all, the Internet’s Rule 34 (“If it exists, there is porn of it”) certainly applies to animated features. There are times when Google Images is so painful…
OH GODS. THERE’S MORE.
http://jezebel.com/dinosaur-erotica-exists-and-its-just-as-amazing-as-you-1438081697
Christie Sims seems to be an expert at dino porn and possibly stolen art. I went to Amazon to look up her back list and it features mostly dino and monster porn (T-Rex, etc.) I also looked at a site about Bad Fantasy cover art and there is a long list of her books that have been removed apparently due to stolen cover art.
Perhaps a were-loris has possibilities…
@Tamara Hogan “Someone to Cuttle”—OMG, you are so not kidding about the Amazon reviews. My office mates are wondering what’s wrong with me, I’m convulsed with laughter….
Huh, so apparently someone interviewed the writers of this book, and they actually seem relatively mentally healthy. Christie Sims apparently has a sense of humor about the absurdity of these books.
EXCITED BY THE AYE-AYE.
They’re tiny and weirdly cute and make bizarre chuckling noises when excited and (best of all) they have these amazing outsized middle fingers designed for (I kid you not) percussihisve foraging. To top it off, the native culture considers them both magic and malevolent, and has all sorts of superstitious taboos about them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aye-aye
The porn practically writes itself.
Fun book review! 🙂
“BUT WHY DID THIS NEED TO EXIST”
The same reason why pimples keep popping up on my face despite sunscreen and facial wash—to prove that life is NOT a box of chocolates (with all due respect to Forrest Gump). We rarely get what we want and we should be on guard about stuff with labels like “Ravished by Triceratops” 🙂
So there’s dinosaur live-action video porn too, by the way. Don’t ask how I know. But if you do a search (I cannot from work without various IT people sending me probing questions), you will find men with pterodactyl heads flapping their arms while women…well. Do what women do in porn.
Enjoy?
Nobody judge me.
I think I was on those drugs after my surgery last year. And now I think it’s time she got off of them.
Three words: Garden Gnome Gangbang. Yes, really. Apparently, they have pointy hats and they know how to use them. Cover art NSFW!
http://www.amazon.com/Garden-Gangbang-Paranormal-Monster-ebook/dp/B008TDN926/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1380914158&sr=1-1&keywords=garden+gnome+gangbang
Check out the “Also Boughts” at the bottom of the page. Who knew?
@Marguerite Butler: Well, now we know what Step 2 in the Underpants Gnomes moneymaking scheme really was!
Checking out some of these actual “books” has led my poor sullied soul into the realm of prolific author Dick B. Long who has apparently tapped into that market I would call Granny Porn.
That which has been seen cannot be unseen.
There is no way I’ll be able to un-know this, unless I get Alzheimer’s. And even then, it will probably be one of the last things I remember.
There’s a Weepingcock entry on this, and when I read it, I thought “I wonder if SBTB has heard of these?” I certainly wasn’t let down.
Umm, the insanity continues – dino erotica move over, m/m cuttlefish-shapeshifters are the next trend…yes, I kid you not. Take a gander!
Someone to Cuttle – http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Cuttle-Cuttlefish-Shapeshifter-Erotica-ebook/dp/B0087PTMW2
OMG I feel your pain XD
How about a were-sloth? For those who want a lover who’ll take their time.
How about a were-sloth? For those who want a lover who will take their time.
Sorry, didn’t mean to post twice, for some reason my computer said it didn’t post the first time.