NB: Welcome to Flashback Friday! Since Elyse is no stranger to WTF books, we’d hate for everyone to forget about her glorious Wereshark review! If you’re like me, you might need an extra dose of laughter before meeting up with family over the holidays. This post was originally published January 27, 2016. 

After reviewing books about mermaid strippers, orca shifters, and WWI submariner tentacle monsters, I think it’s only fair that I appoint myself the Smart Bitches Marine Erotica Science Officer. Naturally this means if someone is going to review Passions of the Wereshark, it’s going to be me.

Now, I’m going to spoil the shit out of this aquatic WTFery, so if you actually want to read it, stop right now and go ahead and plop down $2.99 for 27 pages of crazysauce.

The story opens with Sophie on her honeymoon with her husband Tripp. Yes, Tripp. Tripp suggests they try something new and exciting on their honeymoon! Anal!

No, wait, it’s not anal. He wants to go cage diving with great white sharks!

Sophie says sure because she’s a sport like that and she probably figures this will get her out of anal later. Now, if I was Sophie I’d be checking to see if Tripp recently took out a big life insurance policy on me because I’ve seen that episode of Dateline, ok?

So Sophie and Tripp go cage diving and she goes down first (hurr). We get this whole explanation about the guy running the cage-diving excursion, Phil, and how he used to have a high powered job in NYC but how he moved to Mexico to get away from it all, and I’m like WTF. This book is 27 pages long. Why do we need this much background on fucking Phil? Unless Phil was running a Ponzi scheme and now he’s in hiding? Cuz I’ve seen that Dateline, too.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Sophie is in the shark cage and a great white swims up (like it’s supposed to) but then it rams the cage and breaks through the bars. The cage was, apparently, made of balsa wood and hope because Phil never bothered to take a proper welding class after he fled the Feds in NYC (I’m guessing). The shark grabs Sophie and she passes out.

When Sophie wakes up she’s chained, naked, to the wall of a grotto. She sees the shark return but then it morphs into a dude. A Caucasian dude with a shitty haircut and totally black shark-eyes. He’s not even still gray and his dorsal fin is gone.

So the Were-Shark cooks some fish for Sophie and feeds her and then they have some dubiously consensual sex. He’s got a huge penis and Sophie comes like never before. Yawn.

I’d like to point out that great white sharks have two penises, called–I shit you not–claspers. Here we have an opportunity for diphallic action and it’s just fucking wasted. Thumbs down. I’m not reading Were-Shark erotica because I want vanilla sex, people.

So more time passes during which the Were-Shark bring Sophie food and fresh water and they have sex twice a day (the author is very specific on this).

Now, I have questions:

1. How did the Were-Shark get Sophie to the grotto, IN HIS MOUTH, without tearing her to shreds? It’s a shark, not a golden retriever. He’s got like 300 razor-sharp teeth for fuck’s sake.
2. Were-Shark is a shark when he’s in the water so how the hell is he bringing her back fresh water and food? How’s he holding it? Does he have a fanny pack?
3. I’m assuming whatever kindling he’s using to make a fire and cook her food (yes there’s a fire) is transported by similar aquatic means SO HOW IS IT FUCKING DRY ENOUGH TO START A FIRE? Also, does he carry matches? A butane lighter? What. The. Fuck.

Now, you’re probably saying, Elyse, don’t flip a table over the implausibility of Were-Shark erotica, but no. I demand better Were-Shark erotica. I will not be complacent with subpar marine life fuck fests. Give me your mermaids, your orca shifters, your Were-Shark! But make it make sense!

Back to the story. Sophie is now pregnant and super nervous about it. She can see the little baby Were-Shark dorsal fin against her belly when it “kicks.” Daddy Were-Shark has now stopped having sex with her and just holds her hand a lot. What a dick. The only good thing about the sea-grotto prison is the orgasms. She’s pregnant, not dead.

If I was Sophie I’d be real nervous too. Great whites can have up to 17 babies at a go, and even though this will undoubtedly get her and Daddy Were-Shark a tv show on TLC, that’s gonna be a shitty labor.

After a mere 3 weeks of pregnancy (the estimated gestation of a great white is 12 to 18 months so I call bullshit) Sophie gives birth to a human-looking baby. Daddy Were-Shark takes the baby and OH NOES throws it into the water but YAY it turns into a widdle baby shark and swims away. He then throws Sophie into the water and jumps in after her, morphing into a shark. He bites her foot, pulls her under, and she blacks out.

That’s the end, folks. Some vanilla sex, improbable pregnancy, and a cliffhanger all for the low-low price of $2.99! If you actually want to read a good and educational book about great white sharks, I recommend The Devil’s Teeth by Susan Casey. I’m off to bleach my brain and have a glass of wine.