Book Review

Claimed by The Machine by Emily Tilton

First of all, you’re welcome.

Claimed by The Machine is a sci-fi erotic novella about some aliens who discover human beings, go to a brothel, and have buttsecks. They are not actually machines, but rather they are constructed out of organic material and I know this because machines don’t produce that volume of semen.

So anyway, this book takes place in the distant future. Some aliens, who apparently are non corporeal and function like a hive mind, discover human beings. In order to figure out what the shit humans are up to, part of the hive mind detaches himself from the group (I guess?) and designates himself Alpha. He occupies peoples’ minds (without them knowing) and observes their thoughts. He comes to the conclusion that human beings are all about “sex-intertwined-with-power” because that’s all people think about.

I don’t know. I think about chips a lot. Like in an average week I definitely think more about chips, the acquisition of chips, and the consumption of chips way more than I think about sex, much less “sex-intertwined-with-power.”

Thinking about this made me do a little self-inventory, and I decided that if aliens scanned my brain they’d basically receive the following in order:

A bowl of guacamole with tortilla chips.

Charile Kelly from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia is looking wild-eyed while in front of a murder boardA kitten falls asleep sitting upThree glasses of wineA little girl sobs and bangs on a windowA headshot of Stephen Amell from Arrow

I guess thinking about Stephen Amell is kinda like thinking about sex, but honestly sometimes I just wonder how he gets rid of his panda eyes from all the makeup he wears on Arrow. I haven’t mastered that yet. Sometimes Monday mornings look rough, you know?

Anyway, if aliens read my brain, and immediately didn’t assume earth was at war with something called “patriarchal bullshit,” they most definitely would be saying, “take me to your guacamole.”

But apparently in the future everyone just thinks about going to Bone Town.

So the aliens take over this long abandoned factory where they build themselves organic android bodies with huge penises because …I don’t know.  And they’re blue. So I guess the person out there who was looking for erotic Blue Man Group fanfic got their wish.

So the blue aliens split into individual identities, Alpha, Beta, Gamma and…I don’t know. Maybe his name was Steve. Then they contact humanity and The People In Charge of humanity decide the best way to greet the first sentient life form we’ve come across in the entire galaxy is to take them to a brothel.

Cuz apparently everyone does just think about sex.

So the go to the best brothel ever, The Guesthouse on Magisteria, where all the women are trained submissives. The heroine, Sala, is like the head sex worker in charge.

Alpha, Beta, Gamma and Steve get off their space ship and all the sex workers are like “oh no, they’ll kill us with their giant blue penises!” (because of course they’re naked) but Sala is like “NO LADIES. We need to do this for INTERGALACTIC DIPLOMACY.”

Then the blue aliens have sex with the women which involves spanking and whipping and all of that because … I don’t know.

Like, I intellectually understand the intersection between pain and pleasure but I think because my body doesn’t respond to pain normally, and is in pain a lot of the time, I don’t really empathize with how being whipped is sexy. I’d be the shittiest submissive ever, mostly because, sorry Kingsley, my central nervous system is like way showing you up on the inflicting pain and terror thing. You can drop the tawse now, because you’re just splattering my guacamole.

Anyway there’s more sex in more positions and with more people and the whole thing culminates with anal sex that saves the universe. FUCKING YOUR ASS SAVING YOUR LIFE PART DEUX. (Who knew we’d get that a second time in twelve years?) Or something. My eyes were kind of glazed at that point.

Oh and Sala and Alpha fall in love in the three hours they’re busy putting tab A into slots B, C, and D.

So I guess if you picked up this book looking for actual intergalactic diplomacy and encounters of the third kind (are encounters of the fourth kind anal?) then… what the fuck did you type into your Amazon search bar?

But if you want to read about giant blue space penises, then go for it.

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Claimed by the Machine by Emily Tilton

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  1. 1
    Ren Benton says:
    34+

    what the fuck did you type into your Amazon search bar?

    Amazon once served me Flying Spaghetti Monster erotica without me typing ANY of those words into the search bar (or anywhere, ever, prior to that date [since that date, I’ve been typing OMG DO YOU KNOW THERE’S A FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER EROTICA NICHE?!?!?! pretty much 24/7 because my mind is that blown]), so don’t be so quick to blame the user. Sometimes Amazon is overstocked on brain bleach and needs to create a demand for it, and so we get giant blue space penises and pasta tentacle porn (or so I guess — the sample was disappointingly gluten-free).

  2. 2
    GHN says:
    23+

    I think I’ll pass on this book. The review, however, gets an A+ grade from me.

  3. 3
    OES says:
    21+

    I just want to know what raised the book to an F+.

  4. 4
    Magenta says:
    6+

    Bwahhahaha – I’m dying here (and I’m at work…) Thank you, Elyse for the look inside your very imaginative brain – and for making a really dull monday so much better.

  5. 5
    Lostshadows says:
    13+

    are encounters of the fourth kind anal?

    I think I remember some movie tagline claiming that encounters of the fourth kind are alien abduction. So, given the reports of probing, probably.

  6. 6
    Elspeth says:
    3+

    Awesome post Elyse – funny review AND cute kitty all in one.

  7. 7
    Jen says:
    5+

    Hooray, an F+ review! Those are my favorite and you totally just made my morning Elise. Thanks!

  8. 8
    jmom says:
    7+

    I really enjoy everything about SBTB, but I send most people links to the great reviews of really bad books, cover snarks, and recaps of The Bachelor. I love finding good books here, but you’ve made me love horrible books even more. &#9786

  9. 9
    13+

    The non-corporeal hive mind aliens just make me think of the geth from Mass Effect. So, I guess if you’re looking for Blue Man Group crossed over with that, you’re especially happy. If you’re me, you’re in need of even more brain bleach.

    (I definitely think about video games more than power-entwined-with-sex.)

    Also laughing aloud at Ren Benton’s comment above. Another possibility besides the overstock on brain bleach is that Amazon search algorithm has become self-aware and has a really warped sense of humor. Other than that, I got nothin’.

  10. 10
    lunchable says:
    10+

    I initially misread the title as Claimed By the Time Machine. I’ll admit, I was a little disappointed when I realized my mistake, pfft.

  11. 11
    jimthered says:
    6+

    This sounds like one of those cable channel soft core porn movies (like VIXENS FROM VENUS) where aliens travel to Earth with no purpose other than sex. Or it could be some terrible STAR TREK fanfic.

  12. 12
    Kim W. says:
    16+

    We know exactly who wants blue man group erotica, and he’s a never-nude.

  13. 13
    Malin says:
    5+

    Thank you so much, Elyse, for reading this and reviewing it, so a) I don’t have to and b) so I can get a much needed laugh in the afternoon.

  14. 14
    Julversia says:
    7+

    When the first words I see are “you’re welcome,” I know the book is going to be chock full of wuh? and the review is going to chock full of awesome. Thank you for taking one for the team, and for making me laugh so hard on a Monday morning.

  15. 15
    Nina says:
    7+

    Well I guess I can safely delete this from my TBR pile.

  16. 16
    Cathy says:
    17+

    I wonder if sex machines that “produce” semen have a little warning light or something when they’re low? Who refills that little compartment?

    Also, with all the sex these aliens seem to have, they should not be blue.

    Also also, are there no female aliens? Why can’t we have female aliens that go to a brothel or someplace men are looking for sex, like a grocery store?
    ; P

  17. 17
    Betsydub says:
    4+

    Do blue aliens with giant blue penises ejaculate (volumes of) blue semen?
    Aw, Elyse, why do you have to make my brain go there?

  18. 18
    Susan says:
    11+

    I will probably pass on this, but you never know since I have fallen for blue sexytimes before. Yes, I will point out here that SBTB is already responsible for my purchase of not one, but two books about blue dudes. Back in December 2015, there was a cover snark featuring Theodora Taylor’s Her Viking Wolf, which was so crazy I was *compelled* to buy it. Along with His Everlasting Love. What can I say? I am so weak and impressionable. Plus, all on my own, I have bought all of Connie Suttle’s books, many of which feature giant blue aliens. So, no promises.

  19. 19
    rm2h says:
    2+

    Great review – too bad it was a waste of your time type of book.

  20. 20
    Pam Shropshire says:
    6+

    So, every morning I get to the office and my first task (after making coffee, natch) is to read/respond to my e-mail. I should know by now that when the SBTB e-mail includes a F+ review, I should not read it at the office. But I did and now I have coffee spray all over my desk. Thanks, Elyse.

  21. 21
    Meg says:
    9+

    *FUCKING YOUR ASS SAVING YOUR LIFE PART DEUX. (Who knew we’d get that a second time in twelve years?)*
    Okay, if you haven’t yet read the review that prompted this quote, click on the link (which I’m not sure I was able to copy), and go read it now. It’s one of my favorite things ever on this site.

  22. 22
    Jazzlet says:
    5+

    Sala (assumming that is her on the cover)looks disgusted with her blue alien lover … perhaps he’s just dropped a particularly odious trump (hey I’m British, it’s a polite word for farting here)?

  23. 23
    Ele says:
    7+

    I’ve read some bad shit, what with my Kindle Unlimited subscription, but I think I’ll pass on this one and go looking for the Flying Spaghetti Monster erotica instead.

  24. 24
    chacha1 says:
    16+

    “if aliens read my brain, and immediately didn’t assume earth was at war with something called “patriarchal bullshit,” they most definitely would be saying, “take me to your guacamole.””

    LOL yet again.

  25. 25
    JWS says:
    3+

    LMAO! I needed this right now. Gonna have to have a long think about what aliens would see in my brain. Chocolate, cats, wine and shopping are definitely all up there. I especially liked the “… I don’t know.”

  26. 26
    EC Spurlock says:
    3+

    Thank you Elyse and all commenters for making my Monday 1000% better. Particularly Jazzlet for adding a very appropriate new analogy to my vocabulary.

  27. 27
    Olivia says:
    2+

    This review made my morning. HAHAHAHA

  28. 28
    Jacqueline says:
    5+

    “So I guess the person out there who was looking for erotic Blue Man Group fanfic got their wish.”

    THIS REVIEW GOT ME SNORT LAUGHING SO HARD I IMPALED MY BRAIN WITH DUST PARTICLES!

    Which the lulz were needed since right now I’m editing video footage of a romance novel rant script the likes of which I’ve not posted to my YouTube channel in a ye ole century.

    That fact + this review = undeniable proof Mondays are made for all the rantasticness.

  29. 29
    Gloriamarie says:
    2+

    I do so adore F reviews, but from the sounds of it, it seems more like an F- to me. What a truly dreadful sounding book. Is it self-published?

  30. 30
    Betsysalt says:
    2+

    Thank you Elyse! Awesome review!

  31. 31
    Todd says:
    4+

    Well, they sound like the only ones who could legitimately say they have blue balls … although, obviously, not in the usual sense.

  32. 32
    L. says:
    5+

    So does this mean from now on we no longer do things ‘For Science’ but ‘For Intergalactic Diplomacy’?

  33. 33
    Nadine says:
    4+

    F+ for the book, but A+++ for the review!! Also, I was actually eating chips while I read the review, which just made it that much more awesome.

  34. 34
    4+

    Hahaha thank you so much for this review Elyse! F+ ones are always my favourite.

  35. 35
    Jean says:
    2+

    I know it’s an F+ but the review made my evening.

  36. 36
    BrittBritt says:
    6+

    I used to think guacamole came from guacamoles.

    I gag when I hear or read anythig dealing with anal sex. I just can’t put up with these aliens and their obsession with anal sex. It seems like everybook with aliens or paranormal romance has anal sex. These guys just want to enter your house through the backdoor , not long term commitment.

    The fact that the dong is blue is just…blue penis? Is it still alive? Does it lack oxygen? The world will never know.

    In reality , if aliens are real , they are more than likely locking their doors when they pass earth. No amount of anal brothels and blue sex is going to make them visit here.

  37. 37
    Jessica says:
    2+

    Thank you for making my night! I’m sorry you had to read this, but so glad you did because this review is awesome!

  38. 38
    BrittBritt says:
    2+

    Oh and if he is a machine , how is he an alien? I understand this is a fantasy and he can be both but is he both? Machinalien.

  39. 39
    Mara says:
    5+

    Bless you, Elyse, you are doing the Lord’s work

  40. 40
    7+

    Thank you for this because…I don’t know. Another day of waking up to “What fresh hell is this?” in the morning paper (Yes, I still get a morning paper-it’s mostly hearing aid ads. You know, for old farts who still get the morning paper…but I digress within parentheses…) it’s refreshing to read about Alpha, Beta, Gamma…and Steve.

    What @Mara said. Bless you, Elyse.

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