It’s Hometowns on The Bachelorette, the cringiest episode of the season.
This is when the Bachelorette meets the dudes’ families, who always look like they aren’t happy to be roped into this nonsense.
Because they aren’t.
Picasso is once again taking this opportunity to snoozle.
Remember how I told you that I thought Picasso might have fathered some of our kittens?
Meet Captain Ace, one of seventeen kittens I’m pretty sure belongs to him.
We could do an entire Maury-esque show of “Is this your kitten? Are you the father?” with all our current litters.
Picasso: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Anyway, the episode starts with Jenn meeting Devin in Houston. A bunch of Devin’s friends show up wearing shirts with him and Jenn on them and they go for a run (Devin belongs to a running group, I guess).
If I went on a date with someone and they surprised me by saying we were going for a run, I’d lay on the ground and cry until someone brought me an iced coffee and my Kindle.
Devin says running with Jenn makes him feel light-headed.
Rich: That’s called hypoxia.
We also meet Devin’s dog, a lab mix named Charlie who is 15/10 a good girl and I would watch an entire episode just of Charlie playing in the park.
Later Jenn meets his family. There is a taxidermy coyote in the living room and the camera keeps panning over it, trapped in an endless hellscape where it can’t move or speak but is forced to watch this nonsense play out.
Jennifer, Devin’s mom, tell Jenn that it took her a long time to find her person (Devin’s stepdad) and that she didn’t always model good relationships for him.
Devin tells his mom that he loves Jenn and it’s the first time he’s ever been in love.
Later he tells Jenn he loves her.
We have three more of these to go, you guys.
Next we’re in Fairfield, CT which is Jeremy’s hometown. He takes her to this really isolated park and Jenn says, “Did you take me here to kill me or something?” which is exactly what I was thinking.
Why would you take someone to a place where joggers have 100% found a body?
Jeremy takes her shopping at Stew Leonard’s, a grocery store that features animatronic milk cartons and singing avocados.
Honestly it looks amazing.
Ed. note: Stew Leonards is a treasure, you’re not wrong.
When they meet his family, Jeremy’s mom and sister are already suspicious of this whole process. His mom flat out says that he’s not the type of guy Jenn is looking for.
Also Jenn describes Jeremy as “a mushball” to his mom.
I would say Jeremy’s family is lukewarm to straight up cold to Jenn, and clearly it makes her reconsider if Jeremy is ready for an engagement with her.
Next up we’re in San Diego, Jonathon’s hometown. They play lacrosse and then go meet his family. I think they both played lacrosse in school, but I’m too lazy to rewind.
Jonathon’s brother, Zach, is worried about him getting hurt even though he and his wife told each other they loved each other by the third date and got married after a fast courtship.
Kristy, Jonathon’s sister, tells him to “play big to win big.” His mom says she can absolutely see them together, which is a pretty big difference from Jeremy’s mom.
Okay, one more hometown to go. We can do this!
Finally it’s time for Marcus. He’s from Tacoma, WA.
Previously Marcus explained that his parents aren’t in the picture after abandoning him and his sister. His adopted parents have opted not to be on the show (smart), but she’ll be meeting his little sister and his close friends.
He has a house full of good friends and I love normalizing your close friends as your chosen family.
Marcus admits to his friend, Scott, that he’s not in love with Jenn yet. Scott worries that he’s overanalyzing things.
Gabby, Marcus’s sister, is worried he’s going to get hurt. She reminds Jenn that he’s already faced a lot of rejection in his life. Jenn says she’s falling in love with Marcus.
Later Marcus tells Jenn he’s falling in love with her.
My gut is telling me it’s either going to be Devin or Marcus at the end.
So then it’s time for the next Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Marcus reflects that the other guys seem ready for an engagement, but he’s not sure he’s there yet. He admits this to the other dudes.
Jenn gives roses to Jonathon, Devin and Marcus, and sends Jeremy home.
That’s it, are you watching?
Are those three people all the same dude?
Elyse, you maddening minx, teasing us with seventeen baby Picassos and only showing us one!
Captain Ace is so precious. Thank you and the others in your network for saving him (and his probable father and sixteen siblings).
I would much rather watch a Cat-Maury show than this one. The drama!
Could the Bachelorette be given a choice of cats (rather than bachelors)? The cats would be single (and alm0st certainly brighter than the bachelors) as well as cute and cuddly. No annoying rose ceremonies or hometown visits. No family incompatibilities. Bound to be less obnoxious. And provide loving homes for the cats.
Never watched, never will, but the online “show” of your commentary, with all the great cat photos and insightful snark is all I need. Thank you for all you do!
@Melody Prime: If I’m feeling charitable, I might say the producers ask the Bachelorette to describe her ideal man, hence the cookie cutter results. Uncharitably, I claim all younger men look the same these days, at the same time I’m fully aware this 60s girl had long hair parted in the middle and is still forever in blue jeans, so what do I know?
Running? In Houston? In SUMMER? That’s a no from me.