Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S21 E1: Picasso

The Bachelorette is here for it’s 21st season (why? how?) and I’m here to recap it, but I’m not alone.

I’d like to introduce you to my handsome foster cat, Picasso. Picasso is chilling with us while he looks for his forever home, and he’s uniquely qualified to assess this season.

Picasso is a big, sweet, kinda dumb bro. Think Joey from Friends.

He’s got a giant head and he looks like a baby bobcat. He was a stray and he came in unfixed with a giant set of balls and half our kittens this year look like him.

SIR.

Picasso is literally the best cat ever. He’s the chillest cat I’ve ever met, loves everyone upon meeting them, loves other cats, and does big purrs and headbonks. He does have to be on an allergy diet which is why he’s fostering with us versus hanging out at the cage-free rescue.

He feels that he can properly judge the “bro-ness” of this year’s pack of contestants.

We open up with a cut of Jenn Tran, this season’s Bachelorette, telling someone tearfully  she can’t let them propose to her. For a moment I am super confused until I realize this is from the finale.

Jenn is a medical student and says that she’s “waited her whole life” (she’s 26) to find love. She’s also the first Asian Bachelorette.

We start the Parade of Limos. This year we’ve moved from the McMansion to the Hummingbird’s Rest Ranch.

A new location?! Holy crap, did the Axe Body spray that’s seeped into the walls finally reach toxic levels?

Picasso lets me know what his first introduction strategy would be. The belly rub.

Picasso: First you flop over like this see? See this? So she can see your tummy spots and also your balls. And this is the important part, gotta let her rub the tummy. No bunny-kicks or biting. Gotta let her rub the belly.

Picasso actually loves belly rubs more than any cat I’ve ever met. Like full on the way you’d rub a dog’s tummy. He’s a total ham. I love him.

Anyway back to the show.

Sam introduces himself as a virgin, then clarifies he’s a “love virgin” and has never been in love. He also curls his eyelashes.

Gross. I hate him already.

Brendan eats a hot pepper when he walks out of the limo.

“So we like to torture ourselves, that’s what I’m picking up,” Jenn says.

Nobody use the bathroom after him.

He asks for water.

Rich: Shouldn’t that be milk?

Nope. Water for him.

Sam is listed a “pet portrait entrepreneur.”

The guys this season are SO SHINY. Nobody wants a shiny dude. They want a fluffy dude.

Then they wheel some dude on a gurney. He says he’s “lovesick.” He’s wearing a hospital gown and shows her his bare butt.

Brett stands out because he’s larger, more of a dad-bod than the usual type.

Honestly I love this so much and I wish there was more body diversity on this show. Brett is way more my type–I like a man who looks like he would be an excellent cuddler.

Jenn comments that one of the contestants, Devon, gives her a “Pete Davidson” vibe. Given how much time they spend with him on camera, he’s gonna stick around for awhile.

Then we meet Hakeem who, for reasons, straps a shitton of balloons to himself.

Hands down the most satisfying part of this episode is the balloons popping as he gets stuck in places. He barely makes it in the door.

At one point he gets struck in a tree.

Picasso: Oh, okay, that happened to me once too! You gotta just jump down, Hakeem. It’s real scary, but you gotta do that.

Sam M is “stoked” and is looking for a “reckless” and “ferocious” love.

Picasso: No! No be ferocious! Be cuddly. With belly. 

Thomas N connects with Jenn because their both children of Vietnamese immigrants.

The dude in the hospital gown goes up to the buffet (apparently they do let these guys eat to soak up the liquor?) and they have to put a rose sticker over his naked ass.

One of the guys puts together a group game of Truth or Dare and I can literally not imagine anything worse. I hate ice breakers so much I have a visceral reaction to them.

So then Jeremy shows Jenn his super fancy expensive car, and then Brian steals his key from inside (I guess) and shows up and does the whole “Can I steal her for a second” thing and keeps unlocking and locking the car to be obnoxious. He tells Jeremy, “She’s got too much horsepower for you, bro.”

Picasso and I: Gross.

The First Impression rose goes to Sam M, and they kiss.

Randomly, it’s fully light out now and  we haven’t gotten to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony yet. This must have been the longest night ever.

Then we finally do get the rose ceremony–or at least the guys are assembling for it while Jenna and Sam M make out. Jenn calls their kiss “feral.”

IDK, feral, reckless and ferocious sound like a precursor to an ER visit, not a romance.

During The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Jenn sends home Brett (boo!),  Brendan, Kevin, Dakota, Matt, Moze and Ricky.

That’s it. Are you watching?