Welcome back to Cover Snark! This one is a doozy.
From Letty: I just stumbled upon what I felt was the most bonkers cover I have seen in a while. Is he dirty? Hairy? I have questions about horn maintenance, their current state seems like a recipe for a danger bang. And why does one goat has a smart watch? I’m so confused. It was too good not to send to you all.
Sarah: This is a whole story, this cover. Possibly a multi-book series. WOW.
Tara: My first thought was “but will there be goat yoga?”
Sarah: You know, I think you’ve discovered the next yoga trend. Goat Yoga
Elyse: I saw an episode of 911 (which I’m sure was entirely accurate) where a woman got a parasite in her eye from goat yoga, so that’s not a thing I can do now
Sarah: …I have a few questions.
Tara: Oh, goat yoga is already a thing. Now I’m just hoping for goat yoga in space, apparently.
AJ: Is the goat on the right wearing a fetish mask and a Fitbit, or have I lost my frail grasp on reality in the face of … whatever this is
Lara: The goat on the left has a very nicely tied bow. Wish I could tie a bow like that…
Tara: This cover doesn’t scream sapphic romance to me.
Sarah: Nice turbines.
Erect, ominous turbines.
Amanda: I’m so glad I’m not the only one who finds those giant turbines ominous.
Shana: This cover looks like the beginning of a sapphic thriller: Barb was tilling the field when she accidentally ran over the body of her ex-lover. Can she convince the town’s surly butch sheriff that she’s not the killer? Or will she lose her freedom…and her heart?
From Misti: I can’t remember if we’ve seen this one but figured it was the right season to see it again.
Sarah: I don’t know that I agree that there is any season that is right for this.
But it is worth seeing. Head tilts are good for stretching my neck.
Elyse: What the hell happened to his other hand?
Tara: I just started yelling “No” at my computer and Neil said “I’m surprised that hasn’t been done before. Slushy wet fuck, get your snowman with benefits.”
Elyse: Like, and I hate my brain for going there, wouldn’t his parts melt inside someone else’s parts? Or feel like Edward Cullen’s popsicle dick?
Tara: Maybe he has to be with another snowman?
Elyse: And is this a pristine new snowman or the kind you make after the plow has been through a few times and the snow is dirty and salted
Tara: Maybe those are the benefits.
Elyse: Gritty, dirty snow fucking.
Elyse: I don’t…no.
Just no.
Sarah: I didn’t know we had to say please don’t fuck the turkey but apparently we need to say please don’t fuck the turkey.
Amanda: Okay but why a turkey and not a Santa impersonator with the “sack” pun?
Unless the sack is the pouch of giblets inside the turkey.
Elyse: OMG one year we got one of those take and bake Thanksgiving meals from the store. My mother in law was going to cook which apparently meant put the bird in the oven and then we do the rest when we come? But we didn’t know that.
Cut to my sister and I frantically cooking and plating while hungry people complain and my sister asks “wait, where’s the bag of gravy.”
It’s nowhere to be found. Cut to us slowly turning to look at the oven..:
Sarah: Just think of all the large holiday meats. Could be a series! Turkey, ham, roast beef, FUCKIN’ THE TURDUCKEN.
Elyse: I convinced my nephew that turducken was turtle, duck and chicken when he was little.
Gotta butter up the shell to get it in there.
Once, in the 1980s, my cousin and I decided that we wanted to have a rodeo. We are not American to begin with and we were forbidden to go near the cattle, so we tried it with goats instead. It was fun until I got a goat horn up my nose, which undoubtedly served me right, but 30-odd years later I still can’t breathe properly through that nostril so frankly, TLDR, I want to warn the main characters in “Bucked by the Alien” that no orgasm is worth a deviated septum.
Hearts in the Wind: thinking of Monty Python & the Holy Grail, where someone’s described as having ‘Huuuuuuuge… tracts of land’. Maybe the character in this book has huge tractors too.
Snowman with Benefits has descended (avalanched?) into the uncanny valley.
Full Sack: title is just ewwwww.
I’ve recently had eye surgery. Now I’m a little sorry that my vision has greatly improved and that it cost $12K because I kinda, sorta wanna stab my eyes with a fork right now. Thanks so much…
Stare into the void that is Snowman’s eyes. Also wish I had a clever quip about his carrot (*wink*) but DST has fried my brain.
Fitbit goat’s expression is priceless. He is not-so-secretly laughing at the dude. “Yeah guy, your horns are bigger. But I have peripheral vision and I’m not going to bleed to death just by turning my head 10 degrees. Not that you can turn your head with your horns halfway to your nipples.”
The horns do explain his lack of a shirt. Since he can’t bring his arms forward without stabbing himself he’d be unable to do up buttons or pull a tshirt over his head. We’re lucky he managed his pants.
When the snowman rings the bells is everyone supposed to switch partners?
I can’t be the only one who misread that Bucked by the Alien, surely
Is there an SBTB Cover Snark Hall of Fame? Because these are hall of fame covers this week.
The goat alien needs to get some pool noodles for his horns if he ever wants someone to sleep with him.
Sorry, gotta say it — that is one horny cover. I’ll see myself out now…
…While singing Kansas all the way. And also “Thumpity-thump-thump look at Frosty go…”
I love Bold Strokes Books and sometimes they do some beautiful covers and then sometimes I’m over here confused about why they thought a cover was worth printing. Like with this “Hearts in the Wind” cover. A title that romantic and passionate deserves a gorgeous cover!
OT: I can’t speak to (or about) goat yoga, but puppy yoga is a thing I’ve at least seen pictures of. So cute, so ridiculous because puppies have no bladder or other control, and everyone looks happy.
Hearts in the Wind: somebody drove their tractor and seed drill through the bottom of the nearest turbine.
And that one is the sanest of these covers…
I am going to have to look up goat yoga. Goat yoghurt I know about.
Goat yoga has been a thing for so long, I think it’s actually past its peak.
This is the worst collection of covers ever. The snowman’s left arm is all wizened, and his hand is definitely in his pants.
Mr. Snowman: Next time, remember that cold is for making nipples erect, and has the opposite effect on certain other body parts (see “cold shower”). Which explains that tiny little bikini. Either that, or steroids.
*UCKED by the Alien: ’Nuff said. Except that someone needs to take the cover designer aside and explain that using three very similar fonts may actually be a bigger design fail than using three utterly unrelated ones.
Hearts in the Wind: I take it back. You can land in design hell by the careless use of just two fonts. And I’m not sure it was a wise choice on the author’s part to use a name–their real one, I’m guessing–that will guarantee a career’s worth of misspellings leading to missed sales. But I’m with the bitches: I would never in a century have guessed that this is an F/F romance. To me, that picture just screams out M/M.
Snowman with Benefits: What. The. Actual. F###. But I do admire the snowman’s forethought in pointing the pipe far to one side, so the smoke won’t go straight up his carrot.
Full Sack: Having exhausted all other possibilities, we fall back on the tried-and-true Four Mismatched Fonts. I would rather concentrate on those than try to work out how he fits a whole roasted turkey inside his pants, as implied by the title.
@OuchOuchOuch: regarding your goat rodeo mishap, all I can say is OuchOuchOuch.
What a crazy collection of covers!
this is just a whole bunch of messed up.