It’s time for the WTFery that is The Bachelor.
It’s been very cold and snowy here lately so Pudding has been spending time on her heated mat.
She’s also excited to announce that she will be my co-recapper for NBC’s The Courtship next month.
Her Ladyship has opinions.
So last week Mara told Clayton that not all of the women are ready for marriage (Sarah specifically). Mara claims she overheard Sarah saying that, but I don’t know if that’s true. FWIW, Sarah is the youngest woman in the house.
Sarah returns home from her date, rose in hand, and tells the other women that someone accused her of not being ready for marriage. She asks who did it and Mara owns it.
Sarah says, “Clayton identified this as a last ditch effort by someone worried about going home.”
“That’s great,” Mara replies.
The next night at the pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Mara asks to talk to Sarah.
She tells Sarah her “last ditch” comment was “ignorant and insensitive.”
Then we get into some argument over semantics and Mara says, “You’re getting a little sloppy and it’s showing, and it’s only a matter of time before he sees it. Confidence is great but over confidence is not cute and that’s where you’re heading. You know for everyone’s sake it would be better if you just went back to the cute, quiet confidence.”
She also calls Sarah overconfident and cocky.
Then Jesse tells everyone it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Clayton tells the women he knows he’ll be in love at the end of “the journey.”
Mara and Eliza go home. Sarah smirks.
Next up they all go to Vienna. The first one-on-one date goes to Susie, and it’s one of those shopping dates where the Bachelor is allegedly spoiling the woman but ABC is footing the bill. These dates are so gross and weird.
Pudding says, in the immortal words of Ke$ha:
Don’t buy me a drink, I make my money,
Don’t touch my weave, don’t call me “honey,”
Cuz I run my shit, baby.
Actually Pudding doesn’t make her own money and it would be nice if she did because my vet bill this month was more than my mortgage payment, but she has a very loose understanding of capitalism.
At one point Clayton calls a belt “a waist thing.”
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Susie talks about how important and supportive her dad is. She apparently doesn’t have any trauma to unload.
I would just make some shit up. “So after that beaver attacked me, I’ve just struggled so much with my fear of semi-aquatic rodents. I can’t even think about muskrats without having a panic attack.”
Susie gets the date rose.
The next day is the group date, and they meet with a psychotherapist because Austria is the home of Freud. They are going to have a couple’s therapy session with Clayton.
I’m a huge proponent of therapy, and this feels incredibly irresponsible and unsafe. Gabby talks about her abusive relationship with her mom and I’m so uncomfortable.
I actually fast forward through the rest because this is bullshit.
Apparently the therapist tells Clayton that someone is being performative which freaks him out. Doesn’t this woman have a license? How is this okay? How can you even make that judgement with 15 minutes of conversation?
I once had to deal with an extremely unethical therapist and frankly this is making my stomach hurt.
Rachel tells Clayton that Sarah brags about their connection and some of the things Sarah says happened did not. Gabby confirms this.
Sarah says he feels like anything she says or does is wrong. Clayton accuses her of fake crying, and she says it’s because she has no tears left.
(Cut to Sarah getting a gig slinging eye drops on social media.)
Clayton says he doesn’t believe her and walks her out.
I open another White Claw.
The date rose goes to …no one. Clayton says he needs more time to make the right decision.
Then it’s time for Serene’s one-on-one. They explore Vienna.
During dinner Serene tells him she’s falling in love with him. She gets the date rose.
There is no cocktail party prior to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Clayton sends Teddi home, meaning Gabby, Serene, Susie, and Rachel are going to hometowns.
That’s where we end. Are you watching?
I envy Pudding for a life free from capitalism.
So after that beaver attacked me, I’ve just struggled so much with my fear of semi-aquatic rodents. I can’t even think about muskrats without having a panic attack.
a) I’m dying and b) romance novels have been built on less than that! I feel like Julia Quinn should start researching beavers…
Beaver attacks make good stories. https://sargentspeaks.wordpress.com/2010/09/29/if-youve-had-your-nipple-bitten-off-by-a-beaver-youuuuuuu-might-be-a-redneck/
That last photo could be the definition of man-spreading. He’s taking up like 70% of the seat and she’s squished into the remainder.
Pudding: looking gorgeous, sweetie! I don’t understand capitalism either, but I know that you’re worth every penny.
I have actually started reading these updates in their entirety and as someone whose reality TV experience is limited to GBBO and HGTV . . . WTF? How is any of this behavior attractive? 1. These women sound very cutthroat and 2. “waist thing” is just weaponized incompetence for shopping.
I’ve done a lot of therapy, even once with an actual Freudian (they’re rare and I don’t recommend) and just no. No no no never. That therapist needs to have her license taken away for agreeing to this nonsense. I’m pretty sure “performative” isn’t in the DSM-V. Also, aren’t they all literally performing?
@C R
I haven’t thought about manspreading in years since I bought a car and stopped taking public transportation, but omg that is a particularly egregious case.
So the person who got sent home (Teddi? Someone was watching Sisters too much) is the one person who was not mentioned anywhere previously in the recap.
Moral of the Show: Be vicious and manipulative and you will get to stay around.
Corollary: No one should wonder why none of the matchups, save one, have worked in 30+ seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows.
These women are cutthroat indeed. But did they forget they’re supposed to charm the guy? He’s been just low key getting rid of the backstabbing ones.
Hi Pudding, you gorgeous fluffy queen!
I saw an article online about/from a woman who’s adopted a beaver. She calls him Justin … yes, Justin Beaver.
I immediately found a YouTube video of Muskrat Love as background music to finish reading this.
Did you know that Vienna isn’t just the home of Freud, there is (or used to be) an action-figure Siegmund (with Couch!) available at the Freud-Museum. I think I would’ve prefered everyone playing with (any) action-figures over this terrible attempt at therapy.
It occurred to me – since they get all these meals they can’t eat, are the things bought on the shopping trip actually for the women, or do they make a production about how generous the guy is and then everything goes back to the store(s)?
Jeeeeeeeeezus. One of wonders if Jesse wouldn’t prefer his old gig hosting the baking tournaments on the Food Net.
Thanks to you and Pudding for enduring the train wreck.
Unfortunately, it seems that Justin Beaver has gone to the big dam in the sky. He was a very lovely and loved beaver, though: https://youtu.be/DggHeuhpFvg
Well, Pudding is clearly royalty and thus doesn’t really care about capitalism.
Yeah, you can see why Big Brother brags about how many more marriages they’ve created than Bachelor/Bachelorette. (Also true of Survivor, though they don’t brag about it.)
I’ll miss Jesse on the baking tournament.
Pudding continues to be the best cat 🙂 So much judging expression.
Also I’m curious which therapist thought this was a good idea (I still like your idea of “all these women get to go to a pretty house and get therapy and get to be their best selves minus the dude competition thing” idea)
I was enjoying this recap (great gifs, especially the eye roll) until the “psycho” psycho segment. No, just no! It amazes me that they get away with this s**t.
In the early reality-show years, there was a show called Starting Over that basically was a bunch of women who have been through traumas live in a house together getting therapy and support. There seem to still be episodes available on youtube.
Wanted to share this link re how the contestants prep for the show. https://news.yahoo.com/spent-4-000-bachelor-got-151324805.html
Maybe you’d like to share with readers on the next bachelor column.
I’ve never watched the show, I Absolutely love reading your recaps Elyse.
I cannot help with beaver puns, but a reptile zoo in Minnesota has Justin Timbersnake.
Elyse—I feel you on the vet bills. Since October, Harley has had a CT, contrast MRI, and spinal tap… plus several emergency room visits for what ended up being UTIs, but at one point looked like a prolapse. She’s currently on her third week of clavamox and getting kitty speed to help her with the nausea so she doesn’t continue dropping weight. (She’s still hoovering the treats I recommended in another post for liquid, thankfully.) But she’s worth it, and the vets think that aside from her pain and very mild kidney disease, she’s in great shape and should live several more years, happy as a very deaf clam.