Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S8 E3: WTF Jamie

Last week when Pudding and I tucked ourselves under a fuzzy blankie to watch this dumpster fire, Jamie was stirring the shit pot by telling Michelle that the guys in the house were talking about the possibility she had a prior relationship with Joe, and that they were questioning her integrity. None of this is true.

Today Pudding is sleeping on her heated mat and has no intention of waking up for continued Jamie drama, but fortified by an adult beverage, I am here for you.

First up we have a group date.

The guys go to an airstrip where Michelle is waiting for them along with Glen Powell and Jay Ellis, two stars in the upcoming movie Top Gun: Maverick. They are there to test the guys mentally and physically to see who will “put it all on the line” for Michelle. The guys change into flight suits and we get the inevitable slow walk down the runway with dramatic music.

The guys give each other call signs. They call Peter “Doughboy” because he owns a pizzeria. They call Martin “Frosty” for his frosted tips.

Then the guys have to get into a G-force simulator. While being spun around they have to tell Michelle how they feel about her. As someone who gets extremely motion sick, I can barely watch. Half of these guys are probably hungover too.  Nobody barfs.

Then the guys have to try and knock each other off a platform using big foam batons, and of course they pit Will against Peter because they hate each other.

Will wins the group date competition and gets a bomber jacket.

At the cocktail hour Will and Peter start arguing loudly while the other guys stare in to the middle distance like they just want two ibuprofen and to call it a night.

Maybe I’m projecting there.

At one point Peter accuses Will of “throwing little Chihuahua bites at my ankles.”

I realize that he’s trying to make Will seem small but Chihuahuas are some of the scariest dogs I’ve met. An angry Chihuahua will fuck you up with zero hesitation.

So then Peter puts on Will’s jacket and parades around because he’s apparently an 8 year old.

Then he throws the jacket in the pool.

Then Will starts crying because he “earned that jacket” and “Peter had to ruin it.” You can take it out of the pool and wash it, dude. It’s not ruined, it’s just wet.

The level of tiny, baby man-feelings in this episode is reaching a critical point. I am absolutely cringing in secondhand embarrassment that a grown man would cry over a jacket he can just fish from the pool and wash, and also because I feel bad that he’s hurt because Peter’s actions are so reminiscent of childhood bullying that part of me gets the hurt, I guess.

Rick calls Peter an idiot. Joe tells Will just to be chill.

Then Michelle comes over to the group and gives the group date rose to Martin. Will, showing remarkable common sense for this show, doesn’t mention the jacket thing to Michelle. He does get it out of the pool though.

So the one-on-one date goes to Rodney and they are playing truth or dare. At one point Rodney takes a dare where he strips naked and streaks through the lobby while Michelle shouts through a megaphone “This is our journey, Rodney!”

During the truth portion of the date Rodney says his biggest fear is passing away before he becomes a husband and father.

Mine, if you’re curious, is sewer clowns.

During dinner Rodney talks about being raised by a single mom. Michelle talks about being in an interracial relationship and after a stranger calling her the n-word, her partner wasn’t understanding of how hurtful that was to her.  She gives him the date rose.

The next time it’s time for another group date. They enter a theater and Rudy Francisco, a spoken word poet,  is waiting for them. He challenges the guys to write their own poem and be vulnerable. A couple of the guys really nail it and I’m super impressed considering they had little time to prepare.

So then Jamie goes up and says he forgot his notebook (you guys haven’t gone anywhere. Where did you forget it?) and that he’s going to “spit from the heart.”

Instead of reciting a poem, he tells a story about a girl who gets lost in the woods on her way home. She finds her guardian angel and he points her back to her path. Everyone is confused.

Then Michelle recites a poem about being the token black girl.

During the cocktail hour, Jamie feels like he and Michelle connected and that he’ll definitely give him the rose, but she gives it to Brandon.

After Michelle leaves, Jamie pulls a producer aside and says, “I’m like really, you’re telling me I’m competing with Brandon for a woman’s attention and we’re in the same league? And I’m like we’re not even fucking close. Like I gotta wait for six weeks to get to the end of this? I really felt like this would be a stronger group of guys.” Then he adds this gem. “I feel like the challenging part with Michelle right now is she’s just in fucking spring break mode. It’s a little bit of a turnoff. If you genuinely thought your husband was in the room would you go into spring break mode.”

I have no idea what spring break mode is but it seems like slut shaming based on context clues.

Apparently Jamie forgot that everything on this show is filmed and also HE HAS A HOT MIC.

Then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Michelle mentions to Rick that Jamie told her that people in the house were talking about her and Joe, and he tells her that wasn’t true. Michelle says she’s seeing red flags.

Rick tells some of the other guys and they confront Jamie.

He says, “So my comment to Michelle was… well it wasn’t necessarily my comment to Michelle, um…” He then says all the speculation in the house was taking on a life of it’s own.

The guys say there was no speculation and he replies, “I wasn’t really involved in a lot of the conversation because I was in my room.”

The guys are mad that he started shit and also that he never owned up to being the person who brought the subject up to Michelle.

Then Michelle walks over to the guys and says she can tell a weird vibe is going on. Jamie doubles down that there was speculation in the house about her relationship with Joe. Again the other guys refute this.

Michelle says she wants to talk to Jamie alone. She tells him her trust in him is completely broken because he created false drama around her character. She walks him out.

Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. LT, Mollique, Peter and Spencer go home.

And that’s where we end. Are you watching?