As I mentioned earlier, my recent email exchange with Robinjn following her re-examination of LaVyrle Spencer’s Years got me thinking generally about age differences in romance, and how reactions can vary depending on sub-genre, character, and conflict.
In historical romances, the age difference is often expected, or at the least not worth noticing as a potential conflict. In many historicals, the women are younger and possibly virginal, and likely looking or staunchly not looking for a husband (except for that steaming attraction to that guy) (and maybe at some point she wears a pelisse or some boy’s trousers) (or both).
Meanwhile, the men are older, lordlier, and *ahem* experienced. Case in point: Julia Quinn’s Bridgerton series starts with Daphne, even though she’s the fourth-oldest sibling in the family, because her older brothers weren’t going to marry first. The other males in her family were paired off after she was. She’s eight years younger than her eldest brother Anthony, and married the year before he did – which is not very startling in historical romance land.
Then there’s books like Kate Noble’s “Follow My Lead,” which I read last week and enjoyed immensely.
The heroine, Winn, is thirty, and the hero, Jason, is thirty as well. Because Winn is thirty, she can go many places unescorted because she’s considered well past a likely marriage, but she’s also limited in her options as a spinster. Winn is determined to be recognized for her own intellect, and her stubborn dedication to that goal is troublesome and difficult for those around her because she’s a woman, and because she doesn’t fit neatly into the existing categories for older women who are not married. Jason, meanwhile, is rolling up to the age at which he figures he ought to get married and start doing married lordly things, precisely on proper schedule.
The similarity in their ages and the differences in their present positions and their futures is a theme through the book. In one scene, one of my favorites, Winn is calling Jason out on his propensity to treat her as both a naive innocent stumbling headfirst into trouble and a bothersome spinster who should go fade in the nearest strip of wallpaper:
“[T]he world has different expectations for us. And I’m well aware of how the world sees me. A spinster, whose life is in a library, who missed my window for happiness by caring more for old men than young ones. My life is over.”
“But you, the world sees as young and virile – your life is laid out before you. You can do anything you wish. Even if you contemplate marriage, you are just beginning.”
“Winn” – Jason sighed wearily – “what are you trying to say?” …
“Why, if we are the same age, am I considered done and you just getting started?”
The idea of Winn’s life just beginning at age 30 in an historical romance, is fascinating in the story, and remarkable because it is not a plot I’ve read much of in the past few years.
This is not to say that all differences of age are barely worth a mention. Some historical romances do play with age difference, particularly when the plot conflict is derived from “May/December” tension, as Robinjn mentioned in the previous entry. In our email exchange, she brought up Heyer’s These Old Shades:
I re-read These Old Shades with a different viewpoint as well, but I don’t think it hit me as much in that book because there was really very little introspection on Avon’s part. He mentions in passing that he knows he’s too old for her but it doesn’t bother him much or really affect much of the plot.
I remember that Anne Mather used to do a LOT of May/December and when I was reading them in my teens the age difference meant nothing to me at the time….
I mentioned that in historical romances, a young lord in his early 20s might not be much to read about, and Robinjn said, “Well it’s kind of hard to do dissipated and cynical with a 21 year old face, isn’t it? And with historicals it’s somewhat easier to kind of dismiss it since girls DID marry very young, and often older men.”
Contrast that with paranormal romances, where the heros could be hundreds or thousands of years older than the heroines, and the age difference isn’t worth much of a scandalous twitch of possible impropriety. More often it is a source of maudlin ruminations or unintentional humor.
In Patricia Briggs’ Alpha-Omega series, which I adore and re-read last weekend, Anna is a young woman, while Charles is hundreds of years old. Their age difference isn’t an issue of propriety for some for an assortment of reasons, I think. First, they’re not human. Second, they are exceptionally long-lived, if not immortal, and third, Charles, as well as the men who are even older than he is, all look about as young as Anna. Charles’ father, the Marrok, is described as very young looking:
Charles’s father, Bran Cornick, looked for all the world like a college student, a computer geek or maybe an art major. Someone sensitive, gentle, and young – but she knew he was none of these things. He was the Marrok, the one all the Alphas answered to – and no one dominated an Alpha werewolf by being sensitive and gentle.
He wasn’t young, either. She knew Charles was almost two hundred years old, and that would necessitate his father being older yet.
Cry Wolf, 2008
Millennia of age difference aren’t that uncommon in paranormal romances any more than age differences of ten or more years in an historical romance.
And really, the aged and ageless paranormal hero is quite a model. It’s quite the hot male, if you think about it: young, virile, and sculpted on the outside; aged, wise, and incredibly mature on the inside. RWOR.
But not every supernatural creature is immune from the age- difference commentary. Nalini Singh’s last book, Kiss of Snow attracted a good bit of reader commentary about the age difference between Hawke and Sienna. When I interviewed Nalini Singh a few weeks ago while she was in New York promoting Kiss of Snow, one of the questions I asked came from a reader named Mouna: “Your fans have carried on ad-infinitum/ad-nauseum about the age gap between Hawke and Sienna which by my calculation is around 14 or 16 years (if he was 30/32 when she was 16). Traditionally in romance, heroes in most genres, are at least a decade older! Why do you think there has been this drama about their ages? Is it because she was 16 when it started or is it that the younger generation of readers are no longer attracted to such a large age gap? No one mentions the thousand plus years Raphael has on Elena – so why the icky factor when it is 14?”
Nalini said that part of the commentary was based on the fact that readers have been watching Sienna grow up and come of age through the Psy-Changeling series, and because she was so young when she first met Hawke, after leaving the PsyNet with her family. I also think it’s because the Psy aren’t explicitly described as having millennia-long longevity, so they are perceived by some readers as human-like, even though they are not. When one’s lifespan is only a little bit more than a normal human’s, age becomes more important.
When one’s lifespan can stretch into the hundreds of years, age really is nothing but a number. And when one is a smoking hot angel in charge of a few major cities and some hard-core smoldering, age difference is expected: Raphael is probably older than just about everyone, other archangels aside.
Robinjn’s re-reading of Spencer, and my own experience talking to readers about Kiss of Snow has given me a lot to ponder as to why age differences in some sub-genres is remarkable, and in others it’s expected or not important. I honestly don’t notice it unless it’s The Reason For The Conflict. If I encounter an age difference, I usually trust that the author will address any concerns I might have by either incorporating the age difference into the world building, or addressing it some other way. But I confess, I’m sort of used to it as a commonality to romance.
When do you notice age difference? Is it a plot device you enjoy? Do you see it more of an obvious conflict in one sub-genre than another?
I LOVE this nickname. Not only could you call him a perv, but maybe girls would realize that he is a manuiplative, abusive, @$$hat.
I thought of another one; Dag and Fawn in the Sharing Knife series by Lois McMaster Bujold. He is a LOT older than she is. He doesn’t look that much older but he is, in years and in experience as well. I admit that it made me very uncomfortable and it’s probably my least favorite LMB series because of it.
I’m squicked by big age differences between hero and heroine, and always have been (even when I was a teenager). I have never personally dated someone more than 3 years older than me. To be fair, I have never dated anyone younger than me either.
What would bother me about, say, a 35-year-old hero paired with an 18-year-old heroine in a romance novel is that I would find it hard to believe the hero’s interest was based on anything more than just physical attraction, and guys who care only about youth and looks are too shallow to be hero material in my book. The other bit of potential squickiness is that the hero prefers younger women because they are easier to control. Or because he’s insecure and finds strong, confident women intimidating. In either case, ew.
Robin, re: the Sharing Knife series, I agree. I’m a huge Bujold fan but that series was by far my least favorite because of (a) the age difference between Dag and Fawn, and (b) the power difference, because he has magic and she doesn’t.
JR Ward’s Lover Mine is a PNR with the woman as the older and the man being the younger in the pair, although both are near-immortals. Since the preceeding books show him “growing up” you do get a feel for the relatively juvenile state of his character compared to the female love interest. However most of the meaty character development occurs in the prior novels, so by the time you get to the hero’s actual story, the book has sunk into more predictable tropes by comparison.
I just put a rant in post #1 about disliking drastically older men/younger women romances in relationships. You can’t really help it with the historicals, but it still bugs me in modern books. Regarding Damia, I just said in the other thread that I didn’t think Afra was THAT interested in her mother, but did consider the idea. Hm. Maybe I got the wrong impression? Who knows, it’s been awhile.
I remember Brockmann’s Breaking Point as really covering the issue. It features one older woman/younger man (Molly/Jones) and one older man/younger woman (Max/Gina). The series makes no bones about Max being REALLY SUPER BOTHERED by it and that it takes years (and Gina eventually giving up to join the Peace Corps and being reported dead) for him to cave in.
Regarding the vampire/immortals with young ones: I think we are just totally unable to conceive of what it would be like to be a thousand years old and dating. We think of people who look like they’re in their 20’s or 30’s to act around that age their entire lives (real aging makes you cranky?), and we think these immortal people just kind of freeze that way, except with a lot of memories. We can’t conceive of The Doctor being 900+ years and acting like a cranky old man when he doesn’t look that way, but it made more sense when he did look like one. But really, if you’re the Doctor or a 900-year-old vampire or whoever, wouldn’t (a) you want to associate with people around your age who understand you, and (b) be annoyed by all of these young whippersnappers who know nothing around you all the time? What do these couples have in common besides the sex? What do they talk about on long car rides? Then again, there’s probably not a lot of people around your own age when you’re a vampire, so you might have to learn to settle for younguns. And if you’re the Doctor, younguns give you a chance to show off.
Whereas large age differences in novels bother me, what brought it home that MY age affected how I see that was rewatching The Graduate. I was in high school upon first viewing and, uh, Mrs. Robinson’s age, upon second.
Gives the movie an entirely different slant.
As someone on the young side, I find my reactions to age gaps really depend on the couple. I think a huge age gap in a contemporary setting (not a paranormal one, that is) falls on the squicky side. Like, a modern 18 year old with a 30 year old would be gross because of the huge differences in maturity and life experience.
In paranormals, I don’t really mind. I *love* Raphael and Elena—she’s mature and worldly, and has seen the dark side of life, so I don’t think it’s gross.
Okay, now I feel compelled to defend Twilight. I really don’t want to, but I do think the age gap deserves a fighting chance. In Stephenie Meyer’s world, vampires are developmentally frozen at the age at which they were turned. Edward Cullen was 17 when he became a vampire. He’s still a teenaged boy, but he knows more than the other teenage boys. Now, when Bella is throwing a hissy fit that she turns 18 and he’s Still Only Seventeen, Does That Make Bella a Cougar, that’s ridiculous.
Don’t mind *as* much with historicals, but sometimes it’s gross. I agree with the above commenters who mentioned that sometimes young heroines are written with maturity.
problems56: I would have problems with a 56 year age gap in a historical.
Yeah—the Dag/Fawn pairing didn’t bug me in Book 1, because they seemed to be on a more equal footing somehow, but there was a point in Book 2 where he described her as “an apprentice adult” and…eeeesh. I still read the books, because the characters and the world are great, but I’m way less enthusiastic about the romance now.
I guess my thing is that either both characters (in adult romance) or neither (in YA) have to think like adults. I could see a sixteen-year-old heroine with an immortal paranormal guy who doesn’t have a lot of experience being or passing for human—an air spirit given physical form or a recently-transformed animal like Nawat in the Daughter of the Lioness series, for example—but not with a vampire who’s spent a couple hundred years dealing with the world. (I make an exception for Buffy: the nature of her duties made her more adult in a lot of ways, so the relationships with Angel and then Spike didn’t squick me in *that* regard.)
This is a really interesting topic. When I started reading romance novels as a young teen, it was a lot of historical ones (I read my mother’s) and the age difference didn’t bother me at all – and neither did the age of the heroine if she was just 18 or thereabouts. That has changed as I got older. Historicals with such a young heroine can work for me if the author can convince me that she is mature enough (but I prefer the ones where the heroine is not that young). In contemporaries I now absolutely dislike such young heroines. They should be at least mid-twenties and even then I don’t want to see an age gap above 10 or absolute max of 12 years (those with the 10-12 year gap are usually not my favorites unless it is well written or mentioned once and then forgotten – I am great at just overlooking such things lol). I don’t believe it would work because the life experience differs too greatly and ultimately there would be a problem with what interests them/what do they talk about.
I know of a relationship in rl where the girl is 23 and the guy is 20 years older. Sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me AT ALL for reasons that have been mentioned before – and it squicks me out because the guy really is old enough to be her father.
PNRs are a whole different story. As long as the heroine is really a woman and not a child, it works and doesn’t bother me at all. I haven’t read Kiss of Snow yet because I can’t afford the HC but I am somewhat worried that it will bother me. But then again, it’s Nalini Singh and I absolutely love her books, so I think I will be fine with it. 🙂
In books an age gap of 10-15 years doesn’t really phase me, especially if it is a historical or paranormal. That being said I know that a lot of the reasons for that are my personal experiences. I LOVED the Laura Ingalls Wilder books when I was younger. Laura marries Almanzo, who is at least 10 yrs older than her, and that never bothered me because I knew that it was typical of the era or at least somewhat typical.
In my own personal life, I’m the oldest of three girls while my father is the surprise youngest baby, by 6 and 9 years, so that created a lot of conflicts while I was growing up. There are more than a few occasions where, even as young as 10 or 11, I would have to suck it up and be the more mature one in a disagreement with my father so obviously I have a few daddy issues. My dad is great and I love him but I frequently am the more mature one in our father-daughter relationship. When I was about 20 or 21 I mentioned to my mom in a conversation that one the reasons that I didn’t date much was because I a)wasn’t ready to settle down and b)really saw myself marrying someone older than me. I guess I shouldn’t have been, but I was surprised when she agreed and commented that she could easily see me marrying someone 10 years older than me. I have very little patience for immaturity in men so I really have not dated much. I never did nor would I ever have considered dating someone 10 years older than me when I was in high school or even the early part of college because I knew that I needed to grow up more, plus even though I thought that I would end up with someone older the whole 21+ yr old male with a >19 yr old female really creeps me out. Even though I’m now at an age where I’m ready to date with the intent of marrying someone, I still hesitate because I hate that icky moment where a guy is like “I want to get married and have kids like now” and I’m thinking, “I want to have a career and wait a few years before having kids.” To me it’s about maturity and men take a lot longer to grow up than women do.
As for the older woman with a younger man: 5 yrs is about my max non-icky age gap for women 35 and under. After a woman is 35 the age is less of a factor but any age gap larger than 15 years, where the woman is the older partner, would probably ick me out a bit. Ultimately, for me, it’s all about how mature both partners are.
I just read a paranormal that was available free from Amazon for kindle, Kiss me Deadly by Michele Hauf, in which the Heroine is the older one and the Hero is centuries younger.
The age difference doesn’t mean much as far as the sexual relationship is concerned. They are both young looking. This paranormal romance uses the centuries to create a long history of developing prejudice against those that are “other” and a hurdle for the couple to overcome to reach their happy ending.
We’re talking about age differences here in the language another generation reserved for differences in race and religion. And we’re justifying it in the same way. Life experiences are too different, interests just won’t be the same. Nothing against it ourselves, no way are we prejudiced, but it just squicks us out.
Notice you have to stick to generalizations to make this work:
This might be true in communities in which gender and age roles are performed in lock step progression, but the idea that all 18 year olds want one thing and all 30 year olds want another, that their maturity and richness of life experience are entirely determined by age, breaks down in any environment with a modicum of diversity. There are 30 year old graduate students who have never lived outside the walls of an academic community, and 18 year olds who have been supporting their families for years. And they just might meet and fall in love.
I get icked out by really large age gaps in modern stuff. In historical it bothers me less, and in the supernatural things.
Because really, what’s your 500-yr-old vampire to do? Delve into the limited pool of dating fellow vampires, who are probably hiding themselves in other locations, and then go “Nope, sorry, you’re 140, sweetie, that’s too young.”
Just saying, compatible partners born within the same century are probably few and far between.
And if they’re still mentally young, I can see them wanting to be around other people who are also mentally young.
One romance I can recall with a bit of a subversion was the Outlander books; the guy’s eighteen and a virgin, the lady is late twenties or early thirties and sexually experienced.
Plus two pairings I rather like from the same fantasy mythos, even if, being Elves, the ladies are definitely virginal beforehand; Arwen/Aragorn and Luthien/Beren. Because their having lived longer is interesting.
I usually don’t mind a big age difference, especially in paranormal romance and regency romance. Though if the heroine is not legal or barely on the cusp of legality…it bothers me. Quite a bit. More so in contemporary romances. A 16-21 year old heroine with a much older man just gives me a squicky vibe.
Lynne, is the Vickery research among the aristocracy only? If not, I’d wonder about slant, as less financial secure people married later in life.
Hugh and Lilith in “Demon Angel” are a very experienced older woman (demon) and a younger man (isn’t he 19 and virginal when they first meet?). I enjoyed that set up and I think a few of Brooks other Guardian books have older heroines/younger heroes (Alice and Jake for example), but my favorite of the series is Demon Moon with Collin and Savi (older vampire/younger mortal). I generally prefer the older hero/younger heroine trope. Could be some daddy issues, but I think it has to do with wishes and regrets at times. I’m 41 and wish I knew then what I know now. Wouldn’t it be nice to be a wiser woman with the body of a 22 year old? Wow! The things I could do! Many men I know have never really seemed to quite grow up and I often wonder if the older hero is that wish for a real honest to God MAN. Just how long does it take a boy to actually grow up anyway? I don’t think I could go for a romance with a young fresh out of college kid. I’ve known too many 20-something “men” who hadn’t quite gained the maturity needed to operate in the real world and I would not enjoy a romance based on the heroine having to partially mother the hero. Women tend to be more mature at earlier ages than men IMO, so the younger woman/older man scenario doesn’t bother me unless you’re talking about a book like Feehan’s Dark Prince where it was just so WRONG and so possessive and “instructive”—ew!
These Old Shades is my favorite Heyer and I wouldn’t go so far as to say the age difference didn’t impact the plot much; Avon knows he’s too old for Leonie and resists the attraction for a long time because of that.
Ok I’ll admit, I’ve not read all 57 at this time, comments, but there are paranormal romance where the woman is either older, and sometimes, ahem, more experienced. The Immortal After Dark series has valkyries much older than their heros. And at least one book she was the experienced one while he was the virgin.
I do apologize if this series has been mentioned already. I just had to bring it up cause in the romance genre, it is unusual for the woman to be hundreds, in one case nearly 1500 years older, and more experienced than the man.
@growlycub
She started it in her book “The Gentleman’s Daughter,” and she used parish records as her main reference, especially in the North of England. So the bias is more towards the lower classes and gentry. The lower classes tended not to marry until they could afford to set up a home, and their marriages could be much later, towards thirty. Her research is ongoing, and she has a professorship these days, at Queen Mary College.
But if you look at the ages of women who married in the Georgian period in the aristocracy, extreme youth seems to be the exception, not the rule.
Lucy Inglis has a book coming out soon. She concentrates her research on London, and she’s doing extensive analysis of the 1730-31 Poll Tax records. We had the great privilege of having her to talk to us about the single woman’s role in Georgian London at last year’s RNA conference (you couldn’t move for historical romance authors!)
I’ve also seen it mentioned in books by Roy Porter and Dan Cruickshank, although I wouldn’t quote them because I didn’t make a particular note of it.
Anybody else as obsessed with Dan Cruickshank as me?
Was rereading Nora Roberts’ Chesapeake Bay/ The Quinn family books, and I JUST realized that Grace is supposed to be about 22? While Ethan is 30. Wouldn’t be that bad, except for the constant references to him loving her for ten years. That begins to creep me out. Which is a shame, because I love those books.
I’m not bothered by age differences, unless modern teenagers are involved. I’ve never been into much older men, or younger ones, but of course I’ve seen lots of those relationships over the years, and never found it offensive (or really of any concern to me). I object to it most actually in paranormal, and even there it’s not the difference per se but because these characters that are supposed to be hundreds or thousands of years old and still act like emotional fuckwits are a tough sell. I just willfully ignore the ages.
I’m very glad I read Romeo and Juliet when I was very young, because for most of my life I’ve found it impossible to believe their love would have lasted the week, but at least I can remember what it was like when I was swept away by it. Sometimes our more mature reflections aren’t an improvement.
Like many others, when I started reading romance books as a 6th grader, I didn’t notice/care what age the heroes and heroines were. I only read contemps and paranormal.
In my contemps I want my heroines to be past the age of 25 up to 30, because that’s an age I can identify with as a 23 year old who’s about to finish a masters and been a young professional for a few years. I guess I see those ages as the one I’d like to settle down at. I will say something I learned from reading S. Brockmann is that age, race, whatever really doesn’t matter if you can build a true romance book with realistic characters who build a good relationship/partnership. I wasn’t bothered by Eden and Izzy and I wasn’t bothered by Max and Gina because she did a good job writing their individual stories. Which speaks to the value of following a couple through many books instead of believing they’ve overcome issues in 150 pages.
In PNR it doesn’t matter. They all have the young looking thing going and the number of years they’ve been alive isn’t typically explored. I love, love, love J.R. Ward and I didn’t even pick up on the fact that Xhex was older than JM because they’re not human! Once again, they spent many books building a relationship that you can then root for. That, and the fact that every character in that book speaks like they’re a 20 something anyway. There’s nothing real about the situation so there are no values to impose about age appropriateness for me.
@robinjn
I completely agree. There’s a very short span in the life of such a relationship in which the two partners can be considered as being in the same period of life.
I’m one for some age equality in romance (contemporary romance in particular). How about pairing a 40 year old woman with a 40 year old man, rather than the Jane Eyre-Rochester-vampire-May-December couple or the tiresome ‘cougar’ trope.
I have to say I have always loved the younger woman/older man pairing, like 10-20 years works for me, in stories. I can remember being 16 and dreaming of a nice older man, say 25 or 30 year old. Then in my 20’s it was 35-40 year old. Something about that I just really responded to. Now, I look at my 16 year old neice and hope she doesn’t fall for a 30 year old. What works for me in novels does not necessarily apply to real life.
I loved Suzanne Brockman’s treatment of the age difference with Max and Gina.
I also had a crush on Sean Connery for a long time!
@Ashley, the fact that Ethan had a thing for Grace from the time she was a young teen bothered me too. Their book is my least favorite in that series for that reason and because she always seemed a little immature.
I think that the reason a lot of the May/December romances (where the girl is 18-19 years old) bother me is because they are really still kids. Depending on what month the girl was born in she may still be in high school at 18. Maybe if it wasn’t illegal for men and women to be involved in a sexual relationship with a minor, I wouldn’t have this problem. I really wonder that if a 30 year old guy is dating an 18 year old girl whether he would still be interested in her when she is 28 because at 18 a girl can still appear child-like whereas at 28 that is less likely.
@Jennifer R. It’s weird, but i have absolutely no problem believing that the Doctor could have fallen in love with Rose despite the fact that he is 800+ years older than she is. However, I have a problem seeing the Doctor and River being together. I think there are two reasons for this: (1) Alex Kingston looks so much older than Matt Smith (2) This version of the Doctor seems very young, whereas River is most definitely an adult. I didn’t have that problem when it was David Tennant playing the Doctor because they looked “right” together (not to mention the fact that Matt Smith is a strange looking dude).
I was recently thinking about this topic after reading a YA paranormal where the hero was several thousand years old and the heroine was a high school senior. No matter how I phrase it, those relationships squick me out. I’m not that far removed from high school, and I married young to a man six years older than myself, so it is not that I don’t understand young people or age differences. To me it is a matter of life experience. I would not want to have a relationship with an eighty year old man. Not only because he would not be physically attractive to me, but because we would have nothing in common. He would have already lived, while I am just starting out. No matter how sexy the hero is, I cannot help but wonder what he sees in somebody who is essentially a child. In historicals it kind of depends on the characters whether I get bothered or not. It would be nice to see more experienced women, however.
I admit, I tend to overlook age differences in historicals more so than in other genres. That being said, if the relationship is well-written, I’ll get over it a little faster. Numair & Daine (Immortals series), for instance, who deal with the age difference pretty honestly—it’s not just pushed aside like it’s not an issue.
Ditto another comment about what works in novels doesn’t work irl, though—I would find someone my age (early 30’s) dating a teenager creepy, but can somehow accept, say, Beaumaris & Arabella as being okay. And its not like she’s terribly wordly or experienced.
Re: McCaffrey’s Damia—Afra wasn’t around her from about the age of 4 to the age of 12 or so. He had to fight an attraction to her when she was going through puberty and becoming a woman. She comes on to him as a teenager, and gets angry when he refuses her advances. They only get together after she undergoes a tragic experience that is supposed to have matured her quickly. Its not my favorite relationship starter in a novel, but pretty well handled, imo.
Oh, and he was attracted to her mother briefly when he was young but was more relieved than unhappy when he didn’t have to be more than a close friend.
1. Clare’s older than Jamie in Outlander, speaking of RAWR.
2. Father Ralph was old as crap and a priest and watched Meggie grow up and The Thorn Birds was still hot.
3. Henry was only a little older than Claire in the Time Traveler’s Wife but he had known her since her early childhood—still managed to be not creepy.
I think it depends on the book and the characters. I’m reading Torment now and the fact that angel boy is a gazillion years old doesn’t freak me out nearly as much as holy boy’s penchant for killing other spiritual beings to “protect” his girlfriend. But he’s all angsty so I guess that makes it okay?
I’m usually not too squigged out by an age difference either way, although that recent people.com article about some dude from Lost marrying a 16yo gags me to no end. Ewww.
@Diva, is it just me or does that 16 year old look much older than 16? either way it is gross.
What bugged me most about These Old Shades was that Leonie seemed much younger emotionally/mentally than 19. Her speech and the way she followed Avon around made her seem more like 10 or so. It was like watching some guy have it bad for a literal child or for someone with a major problem.
She got a little better toward the end of the book but the first part was a MASSIVE squick.
The Daine/Numair thing never really bothered me, but I was a little bit squicked by the Alanna/George thing in her earlier series (when I read it as a pre-teen).
Daine has a significant amount of emotional maturity, which is not really the case in the Alanna series.
I find the age differences more irksome in thriller novels, because there is a kind of assumption- hot young 20 something is just dying to hop into bed with grizzled ex-spy (or the like) and there is no doubt.
For more unconventional heroine (but not quite romance) try Kerry Greenwood’s Phryne Fisher novels or her contemporary Corrina Chapman. Mysteries, but elements of romance (and calibre chucked them in the romance category)
captcha- husband 73- 1973 is the midway point between my husband and I , birthday wise
Age differences in sci-fi/fantasy novels: Afra and Damia was always a little strange, but it helped that he tried to resist. I couldn’t do the Sharing Knife at all, despite how much I love all of Bujold’s writing, because the romantic relationship seemed so unequal to me.
One series that hasn’t been mentioned is the fantasy series The Elenium by David Eddings. Sparhawk was was raising and training Elena to be the next Queen before he got sent into exile when she was 8 or so. Then he comes back 10 years later and she is all over him like white on rice. It is actually really amusing and works, because he tries to resist it so hard, while she is dead-set on him (and reveals that she had to grow up fast once he was gone in a corrupt court). It was strange, but they were very upfront about it along with the rest of the characters, so it worked for me.
Romance novel with experienced woman and (near)virginal man: Mary Balough’s ‘No Man’s Mistress’ is a historical about a courtesan who thinks she is given a small property in the country and moves to start over, and the hero, who is not sexually experienced, who ends up falling in love with her. It was very original and I enjoyed seeing the reversal of sexual experience.
These Old Shades was written when Heyer was 24, and it is riddled with plot problems and inconsistencies (undoubtedly the reason why she was later far from happy that it remained one of her most popular novels), the worst of which turns on the age of the heroine, Léonie. We are told several times that she is 19, rising 20, and yet her physical appearance, her ability to pass as a boy, and her childlike, impulsive behaviour suggest she is around 14 or 15 at most. In particular, it is impossible to believe that a girl of such reckless courage would have remained for seven long years as an oppressed teenager in the household of her loutish brother: she would have escaped and made a life for herself long before she reached the age of 19. I think that Heyer was actually thinking of her as a much younger teenager, but realised that the mores of her own period, then the 1920s, would not accept Avon’s connection with a 14-year-old, though the period in which the book is set, the 1760s, would have been less concerned.
An interesting sidelight on the heroine’s age is that in Devil’s Cub (1932), Léonie, by then the mother of a 24-year-old, is described as though still in her very early 40s (“…though turned forty now…”), making her only about 17 or less when her son was born: this accords better with the depiction of Léonie in TOS. Perhaps one should also note that her behaviour in her early 40s, in that sequel, remains impulsive, if not exactly child-like!
Age differences don’t bother me at all, I accept them as read (hah) but I guess that’s what happens when your dad is almost 20 years older than your mother! At least two of my friends growing up had parents with roughly the same gap so it’s always seemed normal to me.
Someone up thread (apologies, forgot who) made the comments about issues arising as the couple age. My mum was 35 and my dad 50 when I was born, I’m now 32 and I swear I’ve kept dad just as young as mum (I should mention I have a younger sister too). People can’t believe it when they hear dad’s 82 because he’s more active than a lot of younger men (including those around my mum’s age).
Like most things, it’s going to depend on the couple – both on the page and in real life.
Exactly. Chronological age is not really the crucial issue, but rather, the levels of maturity and the balance of power between the two people. Some couples with a 20-year age gap can have a more equal relationship than others who are exactly the same age.
@robinjn
Absolutely! I have known quite a few relationships with rather large age gaps (including my parents and my brother and his 3, yes, 3! wives) where the younger person (male or female) works with the older one until the young one grows up because the older one basically never does grow up and has little interest in being with someone who has. It is at that point that the divorce inevitably happens. Also, two of my female classmates married men 20+ years older than them at the same time. Now that we are in our late 20s/early 30s, they still want to do so many things but are dealing with husbands who are at such a different stage in their lives. That is not to say that men in their 50s and 60s can’t still be active, but these men aren’t. From the outside looking in, it just looks like they wanted a hot little thing while they were younger who could take care of them when they got old.
My husband is 13 years older than me and we just celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary. Before I met him I dated men anywhere from 3 years younger to 20 years older.
Age is more about attitude than calenders. There are oldsters who are immature and youngsters who are wise and responsible beyond their years. I think you have to find the person whose inner age is a good match to your own.
Years ago I knew a woman who, in her twenties had married a wealthy man 30 years her senior. When I met them they had been married 50 years.