We have taken mercy on our readership and suspended our DeSalvo cover fug for the nonce. Well, OK, not really. There’s ONE DeSalvo cover in this batch of cover snarkage, but it’s pretty discreet. We do have other types of man-titty for your viewing (dis)pleasure, however.
Candy: Hey, anyone want to test whether hot water can kill the herpes virus by sharing the jacuzzi with this germ-laden species of manhood?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Sarah: High Intensity? Is that a joke? Is the High Intensity we speak of the degree to which this man is farting in the pool? The High Intensity ass-acuzzi?
I mean, look at him! He’s all, “Did someone step on a duck? That noise sure wasn’t me!”
Candy: Is “renegade” some sort of euphemism for “cold-blooded psychopath with crazy eyes and really, really bad bangs?” ‘Cause I probably have a couple of family members who’d qualify as renegades.
Not that I can blame him for wanting to snap this chick’s neck. LOOK AT HER. Her picture has got to be next to the dictionary definition of “annoying prat.”
Sarah: In about three seconds, deSalvo will have snapped Angelina’s neck all the way around twice.
And is it me, or is her abdomen really square and unbalanced in a scary way?
Candy: The term “riding lessons” in conjunction with this cover makes me think of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, and if the two assclowns on the cover could embody one of the horsemen, it would have to be Pestilence. Damn, y’all. I feel like I need to wipe my monitor down with bleach after displaying all that rampant skank on it.
I also like how the heroine is smacking her forehead on the cover. You just know she’s thinking, “Dammit! Even a CG-ho with a raging case of the clap could’ve done better than this sorry collection of pixels! Standards, gotta have better standards. Next time, I’m better off shagging one of the guys from Final Fantasy, even if his hair is prettier than mine.”
Sarah: Oh jeez. Aside from “Riding Lessons,” which is just too raunchy-twee to be believed, can we just discuss the “hot flash?” Because it is clearly between her legs.
Look at his bug-eyed expression: “Merciful heavens, she’s got ACTUAL FIRE shooting out of her cooter!”
His horror makes for a disappointing erotica cover, because, clearly, he ain’t puttin’ his man hose in her towering inferno.
Candy: Are uneven abs a side-effect of steroid abuse? Just wondering. And we all know that NOT AT ALL phallic spear he’s holding isn’t compensating for another well-known side-effect of steroid abuse. Nope. Not even remotely.
Sarah: Spare them the deSalvo, but whap ‘em with a Cassie Edwards. Woo! That Candy, she plays hard.
But I have a question. Where is this gym where all the Edwards
savage
Native Americans are working out? Because that’s a whole lotta mantitty and uneven washboard ab for a man who does not have a gym, and whose culture probably does not include hour long trips to the woods to bench press trees, do sit ups with boulders, and then bathe in the stream with a straight razor to scrape off the man fur, while leaving a hot, hot, HAWT five o’clock shadow on his face.
oh, it was good. It was very, very good.
Semi-OT posting ahead…
Have you guys heard of a tv show called Mr. Romance? I’d never heard of it until watching E’s Most Shocking TV Moments last night (shuddup). The clip they showed was of this group of men being coached by Deb {somethingorother} from Harlequin’s art department. They were trying on feathered headdresses and cowboy hats and chaps (while shirtless, of course) and posing and flexing in front of full length mirrors. My husband turned to me and said, “Have the Smart Bitches been talking about this show?”
The little clip was like a
car
train wreck: it was so very, very awful, but we couldn’t turn away. And today I’ve had this image of a man prancing (yes, prancing) around in a headdress on a little runway playing on repeat in my brain all stinkin’ day.
Anyway, has anyone seen or heard of this thing? It looks so deliciously bad – I can’t believe I hadn’t heard of it before!
Umm, trying the link again… Mr. Romance ahoy!
I thought Native Americans didn’t really grow facial hair, let alone get a five o’clock shadow…
And speaking of terrible covers featuring the befeathered group, I came across this on a random Google Image Search…so very, very wrong:
http://images.amazon.com/images/P/037376300X.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg
You cannot, cannot, CANNOT combine the title “Cheyenne Dad” with the image of a Native American wrapped in a gropetactular embrace with some young blonde thing!
Oooooh, Mr. High Intensity looks like a hunky Barry Manilow! I love Barry Manilow!
Not.
Okay, so yeah, I admit I haven’t made it over here as often as I should, but MY NAME IS MANTITTE THE TOP-HEAVY. ALL SHALL KNOW MY NAME AND DESPAIR.??? You really know how to yank my clicky finger.
By the way, your snark on Riding Lessons stands as incontrovertible proof that you two are chicks and not guys pretending to be chicks. That cover is AWESOME. The only thing that could make it better is if you turned her with a giant pancake flipper and put her ass-up on that bedspread. The only wood-killer is Mr. Wax Job-with-The-Sims-face standing there looking like he’s about to be consumed by her vagina dentata. Show some damned interest.
Oh, that “show some damned interest” is directed at Mr. Sims, not you guys 😉
Another awesome episode! Laughed so hard I almost woke up the whole house. Wipe the monitor down with bleach…OMG!
Where is this gym where all the Edwards
savage
Native Americans are working out?
Oh, thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, Sarah!! (yes, it needed two exclamation marks—I’m that excited) Cassie Edwards covers aren’t the only place I’ve seen (and been irritated by) this phenomenon. I’ve read far too many historical romances in which the hero has washboard abs.
I’ll buy the muscles—all that hard physical labor—but whenever I read about a historical hero with washboard abs, I end up going off on a little side trip of my own, imagining MacMantitte taking time off from fighting the English and raiding the Campbells’ cattle to do his crunches.
“That cover is AWESOME. The only thing that could make it better is if you turned her with a giant pancake flipper and put her ass-up on that bedspread.”
Have to disagree. The font ‘Hot Flashes’ is written in is appalling. It definitely needs to be changed. And Candy’s right about the woman slapping her forehead. That doesn’t look like she’s waiting expectantly for him to make a move. It looks like maybe she’s saying ‘Oh no! I forgot to buy any more condoms!’ Also, is there any link between the ‘hot flashes’ and her red hair? I have a feeling that in some books red hair is used as part of the characterisation. Red hair = sexy vixen.
I was afraid once you’d exhausted the DeSalvo that the days of classic cover snark were ended.
Thank goodness I was wrong!
“Riding Lessons” should be framed and given away to some deserving bitch. Some other deserving bitch. Not me. I value my eyesight too much.
Oh My God. Hot Flashes: Riding Lessons.
Who in the hell would sit down at a computer, put that together and think “Now there, I’ve done something wonderful and productive today”?
With Riding Lessons (actually, I originally mistyped that as Lesions), I think they carried the Western metaphor too far. He’s got his hands out from his body like he’s about to draw his six-shooters on her or something.
It should not be legal to follow a cover featuring the line, “Wide Open Spaces” with the Hot Flushes cover. My mind doth run amuck. Very mucky amuck. Especially as the young lady on the bed is coyly concealing the dead guy’s crotch with her knee/thigh, Austin Posers style.
Oh, give us a gym,
Where fringed buckskin is in,
Where the mullets and mantitty play,
Where our loins we can gird,
In codpieces well-furred,
And the self-tan’s non-streakable spray.
and then bathe in the stream with a straight razor to scrape off the man fur, while leaving a hot, hot, HAWT five o’clock shadow on his face.
For those who are “bear-phobic” (and I KNOW you know what I mean), Native American guys are the way to go. No waxing or shaving necessary. We are simply not a hairy people.
That is the truth, Tonda, my husband is 1/8th cherokee and can grow 1/2 a beard.
I had to laugh at the phrase “wide open spaces” hovering just above the dude’s head in the second cover. Like we couldn’t guess that from his expression (or lack thereof)!
Why oh why can’t Ellora’s Cave do better covers? Even the published copies in the bookstores have those horrendous covers.
I must admit I watched Mr Romance last year. I didn’t realize it was on again, must set the TiVo. The “training” these guys need to go through is a hoot. Whoever devised the exercises has to be on drugs. Not good ones either. Very cheesy stuff but hey, sometimes cheese is what you need.
D’ya think Native Americans ever get mad that incredibly white men armed with good bronzers steal all of their cover model jobs?
The Renegade Heiress lady looks like she needs to be on Oprah’s “How to choose a bra” show.
D’ya think Native Americans ever get mad that incredibly white men armed with good bronzers steal all of their cover model jobs?
I don’t think my brother is pissed, but my mom and I sure are tired of seeing white guys as Native Americans. Can you say “Old Hollywood”? And don’t get me started about how inaccurate the rest of the representations are . . . you thought the shirtless Regency dukes were bad? And let’s just point out that if covers were featuring John De Salvo in black face there would be a shit storm of epic proportions sweeping over Manhattan.
My favorite thing are the horses with plains tribes markings belonging to heroes from East Coast forest tribes. What the fuck is up with that? I know it’s a bit tricky, but crack a fucking book already. All that paint on the horse MEANS something, and it’s tribe specific. Not one size fits all.
Is it obvious why I stay away from this sub-genre? I couldn’t even watch Dances with Wolves without screaming constantly “Why can’t that stupid white woman comb her fucking hair?†I mean, none of the Native Americans were walking around with a teased rat’s nest on their heard. Obviously THEY knew how to comb their hair. Were they holding out her? Was that hair a sign of her low status? Or was “Sleep’s with rodents†a warning? An ugly prelude to Waterwold and The Postman?
All right, you used one of the covers I sent you. Or at least the one that creeps me out everytime I look at it.
An addendum from my previous post: I was referring to the High Intensity cover.
Along with the lack of body hair, most Native Americans don’t have wisdom teeth either. Good news for me, but unfortunately, I didn’t pass that nice bit of genetic history onto my son.
ROTFLMAO! No one snarks like you bitches. I feel compelled to point out that the Hot Flash cover is a generic one for all short stories from that publisher, and that the title “Riding Lessons” refers to the heroine learning to ride a motorcycle. Yes, really. REALLY. No, I swear!
With Riding Lessons (actually, I originally mistyped that as Lesions),
bwahaha! If she didn’t have lesions before the encounter, she does now …
😆
The High Intensity cover is actually using the tag line from Brokeback Mountain!
:ohh:
Which one? All I could read from it was:
and that’s it.
Ha! I love the bit about the Final Fantasy guys having prettier hair. I couldn’t stop laughing.
God, I will never be able to wash that horrible cover from my mind…
White guys and Native American guys are totally different, and it infuriates me when I have to see a white guy posing as a Native American guy. It just seems pretty stupid to me. (Plus I like me my real Native American men…)
There’s an awful lot of the Victoria Beckham poser-pout going on in the Judith Duncan cover…..And is there some sort of immutable universal law that means that poor old Dara Joy always has such NAFF cover art ???