Some of our lovely readers have been kind enough to send us submissions for our cover snark, mostly with quiet pleas of anonymity so we don’t get anyone in trouble. Agreed! The delicate balance of bad cover and good sportsmanship and professional behavior is one we Smart Bitches to not want to monkey with!
To that end, we’d like to open our inboxes to your “Holy God Almighty I’ve Gone Blind” Bad Cover Submissions. Feel free to send us links, cover JPGs or GIFs, or just a title or author name, and we promise to dish out the snark without dishing on your identity.
So, let us have it. Seriously! I’m 2 days overdue! If anything will send me into labor, it’s bad romance covers! I’ve already tried everything else (except Castor oil because that is disGUSTing).
Edited to add: You can email candy @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com or sarah @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com. No need to worry about leaving a comment if you don’t want to go public!
okay, this is unrelated, but have you tried raspberry leaf tea to start contractions? Supposedly it really works, but it only gave me bowel cramps. 🙂
Of course, there’s always sex, which I’m sure you’ve tried. I have a five month old, and my poor husband got a pained smile every time I threatened to make him do me to induce labor. luckily my son was 2 days early.
My husband rather liked the idea. It didn’t work, but that didn’t stop him from saying that maybe we needed to try again.
My husband was a little freaked out by the idea of knocking the little dude on the head, especially after i told him I had already started to dialate. Have to admit even I got a little creeped out…
Hang in there, Sarah! My Raphi was two weeks late and I thought I’d go nuts. And it wasn’t like we miscalculated—I was doing fertility stuff and knew to the minute when I conceived.
Having sex does help, ‘cause it releases oxcitocin (sp?) and brings on mild uterine contractions.
But don’t worry, the most important thing is a healthy baby and mommy. There’s no “right” way to give birth, except to have a good outcome.
We’re off topic here, but you started it.[g]
Yikes! The comments here are scary – possibly more so than some of the cover snark.
Get a group of women together to discuss childbirth and it quickly becomes a one-upmanship thing: “You think you had a difficult labor? I was in labor for over 24 hours, on a pitocin drip, failed to dilate and ended up with an emergency C-section!”
All of which is true, but the other good news is 22 years later the product of all that effort is a delightfully snarky college student who does his mama proud. You forget the bad stuff once they hand you that kid.
Since we’re on the subject….
the labor/delivery nurse in the audience says to relax, take naps, eat ice cream and princess your heart out because once the baby comes nobody will pay attention to you, except to ask if you have cracked nipples or something charming like that. Sex is fine, and you are allowed to try it more than once. It does work, but because of the prostiglandins in semen. If you are starting to dialate, it’s more likely to work. Don’t worry about the whole penis-on-the-head thing. This baby is going to be pushed out of your VAGINA. A bonk on the head, that’s nothing. And remember, “on time” can mean anywhere from 37-42 weeks. Good luck, and we want the whole story when it’s done!
Don’t worry about the whole penis-on-the-head thing. (…) A bonk on the head, that’s nothing.
But if the baby’s a boy, won’t that be, y’know… *whispers* kinda gay?
Oh man, am I glad I didn’t know that “on time†can mean anywhere from 37-42 weeks when I was pregnant! 5 weeks is a big variable when you’re at the end of a pregnancy. [Which just made me think of that episode of Arrested Development where George or Lucille talked about Buster being gestated for (I think it was) 11 months. Can you imagine?]
Anyway.
Good luck with things, Sarah. You’re on the precipice of one of the most exhausting and rewarding periods of your whole life – I hope the kick-off to it all goes smoothly for you. In the mean time, there’s nothing wrong with getting some well-deserved princess treatment in, so diva it up like you’re Diana Ross and the rest of the world is the Pips.
Sarah, don’t forget to ask for the perineal (sp?) massage! They lube ya up and start working it. Oh, ask for it in the delivery room, too. HAHAHA *snort*
Seriously, two kids for me and no tearing or cutting. shudder
except to ask if you have cracked nipples or something charming like that So true! Another oldie, but goodie: “So, did you ever see your mucus plug?” WHAT!
Oh, Sarah, here’s hoping you pop soon. I was two weeks late with my first and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Eve
Yikes! The comments here are scary – possibly more so than some of the cover snark.
HelenKay, the pinnacle of Smart Bitch comment scariness, for me, is still the biscuit-lovin’ Texas Ranger discussion we had a while back.
Well, that, and that time I talked about fondling my shaved gay friends.
Mucus plugs, schmucus plugs.
Darlene, we were separated at birth, I’m sure. But you got me beat by a few hours. I only went 19 hours on a pitocin drip before the doc said, “Let’s put in a zipper!”
Sarah, what can I say? Nine out of ten women think labor sucks. I hope you’re one out of ten. But even if you join the Ranks of Nine, it’s worth it. The little rascals sure are fun – and they smell good too.
As for getting labor to start – forget it. It’s all old wives’ tales. I did it all, and nothing worked. Not even Mexican food, followed by a long walk, followed by very-not-hot sex.
Keep us posted.
Nine out of ten women agree that labor sucks? I keep telling people I expect it to be a blissful painless experience, and that afterward everyone will want to rename the process “Spa.”
HA! I crack me up. But I’ve tried it all – the walking, the hot wings, the spicy nachos, the (ahem) sex, and at this point, who knows when the wee one will show?
And really, I’m taking it as a compliment that I’m such a nice mother already that the wee one doesn’t want to leave!
But man, the anticipation is tiring!
hahaha i sent in a suggested cover but i may have emailed it to candy not sarah………….candy may freak out over the ” how to go into labor” advice i added to the email lmao
sarah…..heres the advice in case i did send the email to candy and not you..
i had 4 kids, went into labor with 2 by eating pecans…. my theory: you gota have gas to get a little fart!
Reby that is cracking me up! Pecans? Farting? Man, I’ve already got a major case of the thundering roses so if I up the gas content, I might blow out a window!
I don’t think I can add anything to this discussion, except that for me, it wasn’t the Worst Experience Ever. I did throw up portobello mushrooms all over the delivery room, though. Good luck!
labor wasnt scary, delivery was somewhat but more of an excited scary and it went so fast.
my advice..get good drugs, terrorize husband as much as possible, suck up to the anestesiologist…..( i cant spell that word)
then when baby is born, snuggle it, cuddle it and glare at anyone who says it looks like its daddy instead of you.
after all, you did all the work!
Geez, I hope you didn’t read my letter to Brianna a few weeks ago. Please ignore the part where I thought the top of her head was sucked off. Labor was better than a trip to Disney World! I pinky swear it.
Best advice I can give is to soak in a jacuzzi tub during labor. First son, no jacuzzi tub, 42 1/2 hours. (No zipper, but they shoulda—but that’s another story.) Second son? Jacuzzi tub for 40 minutes out of 50 total minutes of labor. He was born 3 minutes after I got out of the water. No drugs, and he was 9# 11.5oz and all I needed afterward was 2 Advil.
I am telling you, girl. JACUZZI TUB. You won’t be sorry.
Sarah,
Have you tried the ummm…rubbing nipples thing??? Just something I heard once…
As for labor, I took 1 hour and 20 minutes of ‘hard’ labor to get twins. I found out I was dilated to 8 30 min. before I could start pushing. Before that I didn’t know I was in labor…so…1 hr. 50 min from finding out I was actually in labor to having them.
Sam…very damn lucky lady
My best parenting advice is to smile sweetly at everyone who gives you parenting advice (and they all will) and then do what you think is best for your baby. People do have some great knowledge to pass on, but you and your husband will know your baby better than anyone else so don’t feel guilty about ignoring advice that just won’t work for your particular bundle of joy. And they are bundles of joy; the best entertainment systems ever invented—at least when I wasn’t too sleep-deprived to enjoy them.
TOTALLY agree with Susan! I tell my boys often, “You guys are the best toys I ever had.” 😉
Amy E: the hospital I am going to has a labor tub with jacuzzi jets, and if I want to labor in it, they’ll have it ready for me if I call ahead. I SO WANT TO BE IN THE TUB except that I will want a daquiri and I don’t think the anesthesiologist will give me one.
As for parenting advice, oh, I soooo hear you. It is incredibly touching and inspiring to have all of you tell me how wonderful exciting it is to have a baby, and how I’m on the cusp of something tremendous. But when Hubby’s relatives tell me what I MUST do for the baby? Makes me bananas! Hubby wants to have a “suggestion box” where we can have people write down allll the advice they want to give us, so we can consider it carefully on our own time (and then use it to line the catbox).
There’s an Italian restaurant in Atlanta that guarantees that their eggplant parmigiana will send a woman into labor within two days. If it doesn’t work, the woman gets a gift certificate for another meal.
http://wchstv.com/gmarecipes/eggplantparmigian.shtml
I’d be careful of the nipple stimulation unless you’re pretty much in the hospital. I did that with my second after my water broke and I had no contractions and I had him in my arms less than two hours later.
Even though it’s totally crappy advice and I hated hearing it, just enjoy the last few moments where the baby is happy hanging out inside and if it’s crying, hungry, or peeing, you have nothing to do!
My labor stories are nothing, but I have some great breastfeeding ones 🙂 Try leaning over to pick up the baby out of the crib and trying to figure out why your feet are getting wet. Spontaneous let down was my byword for three months.
Nipple-stimulation worked for me when I was ten days late with my first. Went from no dilation to a lost mucus plug to three centimeters dilated in four short hours. Hard labor started about three hours after that.
But whoever said be in or close to the hospital is probably right, because your mileage may vary. The oxytocin let-down from nipple-stim can be mighty effective, and work as fast as a Pitocin drip in some cases. (I think oxytocin IS Pitocin, isn’t it?)
Yeah, pitocin is a synthetic form of oxytocin. I was also told my one of the midwives in the practice I go to that one of the reasons women in labor gravitate toward the shower is that the counter pressure of the water on their backs feels wonderful, and the shower spray also provides nipple stimulation in a gentle pattern. Personally, I could stand in the shower for days at this point. I LOVE the shower.
I had prostaglandin gel injected up my cervix at 2pm. At 12:01am that night, I went into hard labor with absolutely no lead up. The midwife didn’t believe my husband when he told her how hard my contractions were, and told him to tell me to get into the shower. She then asked to speak to me to hear me go through a contraction and realized the errors of her ways and told us to come into the hospital right after the shower. I think she didn’t want to retract the shower command and potentially freak us out. I thought she was crazy, but did what she said. And, OMG, my husband almost couldn’t get me out of the shower to get me to the hospital. It felt sooo good. But what felt better was the huge tub at the hospital. I credit the tub with my natural labor. If I hadn’t spent the hours I did in the tub, I would have needed an epidural. So, yeah, get in the tub as soon as you can!
And I had a 10lb 5oz baby 8 hours and 9 minutes after I went into labor. 😉
10lb 5oz? Have mercy! WOW.
I am so curious about the labor tub now – up until now it was a novelty that the hospital had that the midwives recommended, but I hadn’t met anyone who had actually labored in it. Thanks for the info – I’m seriously bringing a blender and daquiri mix to the hospital now. It’s hot tub time!
Ladies, this is all such excellent advice, you all need to hang out in the city where I work to spread the gospel. Nipple stimulation, jacuzzi tubs, showers. Makes a nurse want to cry. With such lovely words of wisdom, the best I can add is this: There is no such thing as a pain-free delivery, and there are no bad choices. Natural, epidurals, jacuzzis, they are all great tools to help you deliver your baby. But you can’t plan your labor (birth plans…misnomer), so educate yourself, have some ideas for what you would like to do, and go with the flow. You’ll be brilliant. Best wishes for positive experience.
Hey, Sarah—good luck! Jenny, I love your words of wisdom. My labor was nothing like what I thought it would be. The bad news was that it was longer and more painful (and much later!) than I thought it would be; the good news was that I got good drugs, never went through that transitional phase where I hated everyone, had WONDERFUL caring, compassionate nurses, and wound up with a beautiful baby (now a beautiful college graduate).
The only advice I’ll add to the mix (put it in the suggestion box—the cats may get more mileage from it than you do:)) is that you keep some markers in hand to use to get some time off from baby now and then. An hour or two to yourself—to nap, shop, take a walk, whatever—can be an awesome gift.
Thinking good thoughts your way . . .
Good luck and here’s hoping bubs decides to arrive soon.
My advice – the epidural is your friend!
As for suggestions for starting labour, I can’t help there. My little man decided he needed to show up 13 weeks early! So all my hopes where on stopping labour. Didn’t work, but it did slow it down. 40 hours later I had a very little boy weighing 2 lb 10 oz.
He’s 21 months old now, totally amazing and driving us crazy.
No labor/pregnancy horror stories/one upmanship games here. Just a vote for the hot tub/shower. Try playing tug of war with a sheet if you have trouble pushing, but perineal massage works well too. Another idea- the jumbo size exercise balls are nice.
With our son I labored the entire time standing up or squatting on the bed. Of the three kids this was the fastest labor(4 hours total) & by far the least painful. DO NOT LAY DOWN ON YOUR BACK unless you absolutely have to.
Remind me to tell you about the fun I used to have squirting hubby from across the room. With baby’s milk. HAHAHAHA Great fun was had by all.
Man, I had my first baby a little over 5 months ago, and it’s amazing how much I’ve forgotten. Perinatal massage, pitocin… it’s all such a blur. Sarah, if it gives you any comfort, my labor was long (18 hours) but more boring than anything else. After 12 hours or so I went on an epidural (didn’t hurt that much until then), after which the nurses marveled at the strength of the contractions I couldn’t feel. Most of the time we watched movies (though I’m still a little worried that we may have scarred him by watching Team America World Police. If nothing else, the nurses are scarred by the uncensored puppet sex), read trashy books, and fielded many phone calls asking, “Is he here yet?”
Right now my little nipple juggler is (allegedly) napping his little heart out. Welcome to motherhood, where sleep is your most valuable commodity. Sarah, I wish you a safe, undramatic delivery, pain free nursing (should you choose to breast feed and remember it is your CHOICE), and a big, sleepy awesome napper of a baby. And most of all, be psyched. It’s so fun.
I’m glad to hear it blurs out – because the anticipation of the many variations of what could happen is often overwhelming!
And I think it’s fabulous that you watched Team America while you labored. America! Fuck yeah!
We fit every cliche about the birth process. My water broke at 3 in the morning and Mike got lost on the way to the hospital. Town of 90,000, he’s lived in his whole life. I asked, “Where the hell are you going?” He says, “Oh, I was trying to miss the lights.” WTF? It’s 3:30 in the morning, and you’re worried about traffic and 2 lights?
And I did call him ugly names, along with his mother, who told me it didn’t hurt. She said that no, she never said it didn’t hurt, she said I’d forget about it.
I watched the 1984 summer Olympics. Sort of. I remember watching the equestrian and bicycle events – OUCH!
Years later, Mike admitted that he had to hold back laughing at me, because my facial expressions were so funny when the contractions came. Good damn thing I didn’t see him grinning. I’d have killed him and had no remorse.
Oh, and after Leslea was born, I had a cigar. I don’t recommend this, Sarah. A stiff belt of whiskey, yeah – but skip the cigars.
Don’t discount that perineal massage thing, my friend delivered an almost 13 lb baby without tearing because of her midwife’s excellent massage skills. They were all a little surprised when they weighed that baby, they thought it was going to be on the small side!
Good luck with that whole going into labor thing, those days (hopefully not weeks) of waiting are the worst.
Sarah, I’m a bit late to the party here but just wanted to send you my best wishes for a speedy, easy delivery and lovely baby to hold.
I’ll add to the labor stories. I’ve had three and just about broke the land-speed record with them. With all of them I went to 6 cm without a single contraction. I was induced for all three pregnancies. I got pitocin for the first and just had them break my water for the last two. From the time I got the pitocin to when they laid my first in my arms was less than 3 hours. My second was 1 hour, 13 minutes. My third was 17 minutes. I am the envy of my sister who went through 30 hours of labor and 2 epidurals.
Anyway, good luck to you. This is very exciting, and soon you’ll have a small to love on and will be fantasizing about a full night’s sleep with as much zeal as you would about the ultimate mind-blowing sex.