The following guest review was written by SB Nonnie, who appears sporadically, mostly waving her arms in excitement and causing everyone in a 3 mile vicinity to break themselves laughing. Without further ado: Nonnie.
26 Reasons PREGNESIA is the Best Book in the History of Pregnant Amnesiac Romance
Before I get to my list, I must say that I am no good at reviews. I am, however, pretty good at lists, so I am going with what I know. Besides, there are so many awesome vignettes and moments in this story, there’s no way I could formulate all of it into a cohesive whole. So a list it is. It should probably go without saying that spoilers abound in this, so consider this your official warning. Also, even though I do a pretty good summary of the plot here – take my word for it, the true glory of PREGNESIA must be experienced firsthand. So without further ado, my top 26 reasons PREGNESIA by Carla Cassidy is the best book in the history of pregnant amnesiac romance.
#1: The book is flipping entitled PREGNESIA. PREG-EFFING-NESIA. This is a level of genius previously unheard of anywhere, even at Harlequin. Now I highly doubt Ms. Cassidy had anything to do with this title – I know how they roll at Harlequin – and yet she had the grace, the wisdom, and the awesomeness to embrace it. Or at least not to bitch and cry to the internets with it. Kudos to you, Ms. Cassidy.
#2: The hero of this book, Lucas, is a former Navy SEAL, who, along with 2 other former Navy SEALs, opened a repo company called Recovery, Inc. At first glance, this seems rather…lame. But this is no normal repo agency, bitches. They repo airplanes, yachts, and mother-effing PEOPLE (from terrorists), yo. They are a serious bizness repo agency. Navy SEAL style. I would have known this had I read the first two books in this series, but as they were entitled INTERROGATING THE BRIDE and HEIRESS RECON instead of, I don’t know, SHEIKTASIA and COWBOYTOPIA, I didn’t read them. This book stands alone well enough though, and since from what I can gather it seems the heroine of book two was a tragically misunderstood Paris Hilton-heiress type, it’s probably for the best.
#3: The heroine of this story is pregnant. And she has amnesia. A pregnant amnesiac. YES. She has taken shelter in a car the hero is repossessing. But don’t worry, the hero is quick to assure the bloody and battered heroine he isn’t a skeezy repo man – he usually only repos expensive crap like planes. And millionaires. He is also quite quick to inform the heroine he is a former Navy SEAL. Because simply saying he was formerly in the military would not be cocky enough.
[PLEASE NOTE - THE REST OF THE REVIEW CAN BE A LITTLE SPOILER-Y - READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.]
#4: Despite being a former military man, Lucas is fine with not involving the police in this matter, and chooses to take “Jane” to his sister, who happens to be a nurse, for patching up. Because she got her clothes bloody, the next day he takes her to the Wal-Mart to pick up some clothes and essentials. A (crazily) smiling white haired old lady seems to be trailing them through the store. Good thing she’s nothing to worry about, huh, Lucas? During this trip he UNIRONICALLY points to a pale pink t-shirt emblazoned with BABY ON BOARD and tells “Jane” to buy it. Party like its 1988, Lucas!
#5: Leaving the Wal-Mart ahead of Lucas, “Jane” is almost kidnapped by two men in a dark van. OH NOES! It happens so fast that they are unable to get a plate number – which is actually understandable in this moment – but Lucas does spy some sort of logo in the back window of the van. This logo is, and I shit you not with this, a triangle with an all seeing eye in the center. This is some ALIAS bullcrap, fo’ reals! And later, this logo is revealed to belong to a mysterious, cult-like church. Filled with brainless criminals, apparently, because I know when I want to kidnap someone on the down-low, I hop in my van PLASTERED WITH MY CHURCH LOGO in order to do it.
#6: About this time, Lucas starts getting all tingly in his boy parts when he catches sight of “Jane”, because ladies, we all know how effing sexy an 8 months pregnant woman can be, right? Luckily, as the hero observes, “Jane” is still a sexy little piece, and the baby is simply a “ball” at the front of her stomach. No heartburn, no double chin, no hemorrhoids, no waddle, no ass spread. “Jane” can totes sense the heat, too. She knows Lucas is warm for her form, and she doesn’t think it is creepy. AT ALL.
#7: Two chapters after unironically encouraging the heroine to buy the pink “baby on board” t-shirt, the heroine unironically wears it. With some snug fittin’ maternity jeans. Mmmmm. Sex-AY. The hero unironically pitches a tent.
#8: The hero wants to drive the heroine around where he found her to “jiggle her memory”. Jiggle her memory? Isn’t it “jog her memory”? Or am I insane? Regardless, the idea of this alpha hero using the phrase “jiggle her memory” aloud, is AWESOME. Also awesome? This phrase is used several times over the course of the book. That’s an awful lot of jiggling.
#9: After a long day of tracking clues to “Jane’s” past, Lucas kisses her and understandably freaks out. “Jane” encourages him to offer her more sweet lovin’, but he (very reasonably) points out that she more than likely has a man in her life, judging by her advanced state of baby making. She blithely replies that she has a feeling she was alone with this, and that she just “knows” that there’s no one in her life. Because a woman suffering from amnesia always knows what her relationship status is, and can be trusted when she theorizes upon it.
#10: Lucas returns home that evening to discover his apartment has been searched. He knows it’s only a matter of time before they track Jane to his sister’s apartment and decides to get her out of there. As she packs her stuff to leave, Lucas’s sister wisely asks if she may be in danger and Lucas is all “Naw. They were obviously trying to be stealthy when they searched mah place. YOU’LL BE ALL RIGHT.” OMGWTFBBQ!!ELEVENTY!!11!!1! Seriously? The amnesiac pregnant woman rates a trip to a safe house, but your own sister can deal with people willing to publicly kidnap and break and enter to trace her. YOU. ARE. AWESOME. Also, why not call the police and report the break in? “Jane” never stayed at his apartment, so the cops wouldn’t need to know about her, and this was a chance to have people dust for prints, etc.
#11: Lucas wants no long term connections (excepting his younger sister, who was his lone support as a child) because his father beat him, and his mother actively let it happen. He doesn’t want to be a father, for fear of repeating his past. This seems pretty reasonable to me, but as he’s already more than half in love with Prego McMemory-Loss, he’s going to have to get over it quick.
#12: A few days after retreating to the “safe house” Lucas leaves “Jane” alone ALL DAY in order to run some errands. No other precautions have been taken, other than locking the door. He used his same (traceable) car the entire time they were at the house, and had it parked in front. Those Navy SEALs. Always stealthy, always planning ahead. He does at least finally verify his sister is still alive. So that’s one thing, I guess. Sister helps point out that should someone come forward to claim “Jane”, perhaps she shouldn’t go with them, seeing as how she was bloody, battered, and fleeing when Lucas encountered her. Lucas’s sister is awesome. Lucas is unhappy to be slapped in the face with common sense, and chooses to ignore it.
#13: Lucas finally starts to take things somewhat seriously, yay! After gaining a tail, shaking it, and returning to the safehouse, he parks the car in the garage (FINALLY), and arranges for a rental car (DOUBLE FINALLY). Better late than never, I guess.
#14: Also, “Jane” has a morbid fear of getting the police involved in any of this. Lucas knows this, and yet, since he is “buddies” with the Chief of Police he has already enquired about missing pregnant women and asked him to run the license plate number of one of his tails. Additionally, the Chief is one of only 8 people that know the location of the safe house. I am placing my bets now. Chances that his buddy the Chief is NOT involved in this in any way, shape, or form? Approximately 0.0% (Having now finished the book, I was pleasantly surprised and totally wrong about this. Way to make me guess, Ms. Cassidy!)
#15: “Jane” has a totally understandable pity party because it’s been a week and no one has reported her missing. Although, since she is being chased by maniacs, why would she want to take the chance on someone who reported her missing? Whatever, it’s the hormones! And her aching back. Because she has a constant backache because she is mega-preggers. Lucas gives her a tender back rub. And pops a tent while doing it, of course.
#16: I like this heroine! She is totes putting the moves on Lucas. He’s adorably awkward and all “you’re preggers!” and she’s all “kiss me, you fool!” She is also not stupid enough to think they can have wild sexxors when she’s in her last month of pregnancy. So what’s a girl to do? HAND JOB. He acts like a shy debutante. “What are you doing? I do declare… Lawks-a-mercy!” AMAZING. Oh, Pregnesia, where have you been all my life?
#17: Things are awkward the next morning, and Lucas is in major retreat mode. Having gotten a name from the car that was tailing him the day before, Lucas and Jane set out to see if the guy is familiar to her. To his credit, Lucas is opposed to this boneheaded idea, but the power of the hand job has left him helpless to Jane’s crazy logic. Although, I must say, he quite wisely has Jane stay in the car while he confronts the guy. Unwisely, he reveals Jane has lost her memory. So basically, he breaks even between cleverness and stupidity. And no knowledge is gained on his part. But now their potential enemy knows conclusively that Jane is with him and has amnesia, so that’s something, I guess?
#18: The next day Jane is on the news. Her real name seems to be Julie and “concerned family members” are looking for her. Yay! Good thing it finally happened after Lucas told a total stranger who was tailing him that she has amnesia and therefore can’t remember anything about people who may or may not have attacked her! W00T! But see, this is the genius of this book – just when someone does something totally ricockulous, they redeem themselves with cleverness. Lucas determines that he is going to run a check on the people who reported her missing, to make sure they’re on the up and up before they turn her in. Yay for using your big head, Lucas! But part of him is also super relieved she’s leaving, because he don’t want love and commitment, yo.
#19: Poor Jane/Julie! Her husband is dead as a doornail. Apparently he died approximately 5 minutes after the sperm reached the egg. Only, she doesn’t remember him, so that’s cool, I guess. I wonder if her baby stands to inherit something significant… I wonder…
#20: Oh, poor Julie, poor Lucas. They both want to stay together, yet neither one is brave enough to express their feelings! And Julie’s brother-in-law and his wife are there to collect her. They seem so normal and kind. Surely they only want what’s best for her? Surely! But where are they going? OH NOES!
#21: The All Seeing Eye has Julie, and damned if her memory doesn’t wait to come back until after she is in their clutches. God must really hate her. Or her baby. Or both of them. And they won’t let Lucas in to see her. And they won’t let the Chief of Police in either. But they will let one particular officer in to see her. That isn’t suspicious at all, right? NOPE. NOT AT ALL.
#22: Okay, honestly, I cannot fully express the crazy that happens next. Suffice it to say, it is WACKADOO. Part of what makes PREGNESIA so awesome, I guess. BUY THIS BOOK, GUYS. SERIOUSLY. CAPS LOCK SERIOUSLY. Suffice it to say, Julie – the relatively level-headed and competent Julie – loses her ever-loving mind and fails to see a gigantic plot hole right in front of her face. She is flipping breathtaking in her boneheadedness and inability to see the flaws in the villain’s reasoning. I’m not going to lie, this part made me laugh my ass off. In a wonderful way.
#23: Thank goodness Lucas and friends are ex-Navy SEALs. Because they get their stealth on in a major way. I would hate for that knowledge to be wasted – it’s only a shame the villains didn’t live in an underwater fortress so they could truly use all their training.
#24: Hahahahaaaa! The crazy again. Seriously guys, the last 50 pages are such cash money gold. I implore everyone to buy this book. It will give you literal LOLs. Suffice it to say, the villain wants her baybeeeeee. BAD. But at the same time threatens to put a bullet in her brain. A lot. So which does he want? Her baby or her corpse? Because I is confused. And I think Julie is too.
#25: Heartfelt confession of love time! And yay for Julie’s initiative, although in all fairness she has known Lucas for one week, shared two kisses and a hand job. But I guess when it’s right, it’s right. Too bad Lucas is askeerd to be a husband and daddy. DENIED.
#26: And now it’s baby time! Seriously, a book entitled PREGNESIA could not fail to deliver (har har) on the baby promise implicit in the title. But will Lucas stay away? Will Julie be all alone? Um. No and no. Yay, Lucas, yay, Julie, yay, baby Luke!
And those are the top 26 reasons why PREGNESIA is the greatest pregnant amnesiac romance EVAH. If you had to pin me down to a letter grade for this book, I would have to split it into two distinct grades – for actual story cohesion, plot, etc, it’s a C. For entertainment value? A+ all the way, baby. Thank you, Carla Cassidy. Thank you.