This New Year’s Edition of Covers Gone Wild visits the popular themes this year: man-titty, bad poser covers, bestiality and classic clinchy awfulness.
Candy: Sweetie, here’s a hint for you: that half mask? Ain’t doing shit. You need more coverage—say, from forehead all the way to chin, perhaps even neck—if you’re really trying to hide all that fug.
Sarah: That is one big zit he has on his lip. I’d have hidden the lower half, rather than the upper half.
I’m not sure what the goal is here: he’s not fascinating in a sexy, dangerous sort of way. He looks more like those Capital One commercial vikings who come after your credit balances.
Candy: Look! An innovative way to clean out your ear canal! Press up against the groin of a shiny, be-titted, blond-haired alien, and his specially enhanced pen0r will dig out years of accumulated wax. You think he’s some kind of intergalactic warrior, but no, he’s a selfless, far-future otolaryngologist.
Sarah: Is he giving birth? Did he just crap a heroine? Is she hiding from the blazing sun of Gutron under the safe shade of his galactic man-titty?
Or is he hiding the wet spot in her hair?
Candy: “What are you going to fuck today, Napoleon?”
“Whatever feel like I want to fuck. Gawd!”
Sarah: Nice body paint. But seriously, I bet it’ll give her a monster of a yeast infection.
Wait, maybe that’s who he is: Yeast Infection Man.
Candy: Dammit, how do these cover artists know that my wildest dreams involve a corpse with testicular elephantitis wearing a scabies-infested robe and slinging his gear in an electric blue speedo? Damn. They’re psychic, PSYCHIC, I tells ye.
Sarah: Wow, that’s totally my wildest dream, too. I mean, especially the part where his robe looks like he’s taking a wildly huge piss on the ground.
Let there never be chest hair or speedo sacks in the CG cover world in 2006, k? That should be the art department’s resolution right there.
Candy: I do believe we have a winnah for our ongoing man-titty competition, ladies and gents. I really like his thoughtful pose. What is he pondering? Whether his saline implants are going to rupture? Whether his tits are firmer and bouncier than Pamela Anderson’s? What it sounds like when doves cry?
Sarah: I will tell you what I think. Just like when I see the perfect orbs at the nude beach casting perfect round shadows on the ground: Those are NOT real.
Just when I’m afraid you’ve run out of covers to snark, you restore my faith.
The “Liger” comment was the one most likely to cause me to spew coffee.
Oh, I was waiting for you to get to The Gripping Beast. He looks rather like a blowup doll, I think. All plastic-y and fake.
My first thought on seeing “Liger”: Eeeeuuuwwwww!
My second thought on seeing “Liger”: Hhhmmm….wonder what they do with those prehensile tails?
My first thought after thinking my second thought: Eeeeuuuwww!
K:The vampire crusader isn’t human
S:well duh! He’s a vampire
K: No, he’s got … cat pupils and asymetric facial hair
Horrible font on the Gripping Beast, thought it was the Gripping Breast at first, I plead man-titty blindness.
The scariest thing about Charlene’s cover is that he’s NOT a POSER. Yawks, man!
(First glance I thought the title was Griping Beast, but knew I had to look again I don’t think anyone’s written my bio yet.)
(At least I know that when I do get hauled off to jail for killing one of the Griping Beasts, jr., I’ll get lots sympathetic notes from all the other mothers who’ve been trapped with kiddies over these bad-weather holidays. )
Kate, I’m getting hauled away too!
Wanna bunk w/me in the Women’s Prison for the Prematurely Insane as Caused by Whining Youngsters Home on Winter Break?
I hear the prison guards are great. Good night stick, if you know what I mean.
And In her Wildest Dreams—why is his head cocked ever so slightly, and why is he grinning that goofy grin? The guys I dream about don’t giggle that often.
I have a question: what the hell kind of expression is the Wildest Dreams Poser Man wearing? He looks like a subnormal Rob Schneider.
That bracelet on the Gripping Beast (is that the beast on the cover? maybe the bracelet is the beast? Some woman in the book? Best not to ponder more) looks terribly tight. And it appears that two different arms are on either side of it. Or maybe it has sucked the muscle out of the lower part of the arm.
I’ve posted a story for Candy up at my place. All of you are invited.
I’d give you the link, but this comment gizmo is choking every time I try to post a URL. You’ll need to click on my name, below.
I’m pretty sure the Vampire Crusader is a Klingon….
*grin*
I just want to know what’s up with that one really green eye in that first cover.
As much as I loved Lord of the Storm back in the day, I still thought the cover was weird. I absolutely adored its sequel, The Skypirate, but I don’t dare reread it anytime soon. My brain’s in hyper-cynical editor mode right now, and damn near everything reads like total shit to me. I don’t want to lose my fond memories of books like Skypirate and The Dedicated Villain by rereading them at a time when I can’t stop picking stuff apart.
The “Vampire Crusader” looks like he has a cold sore, wich makes me think of all kind of other unpleasant infections. That’s probably why he is so upset.
Is it just me, or does Wildest Dreams dude look like an aging Data after some sort of freakish holodeck porno program gone bad?
Liger is freaking me out.
All I can see is a Micheal Jackson face.
*gag*
CindyS
Very disturbed by the Vivian Hart cover. Le Penis looks like it’s got a personality of its own. *shudder*
Or maybe Wildest Dreams guy’s robe is flaring out in response to a massive release of Savage Thunder. He does look oddly strained, yet relieved. Maybe that’s what’s puffing up the blue sock, as well – trapped squeaks.
testicular elephantitis
I think it’s “elephantiasis.”
“Elephantitis” would mean an inflamed elephant—and a hella bigger problem than mere giant testicles, imo.
Actually it’s either one—alternate spellings and pronunciations.
A medical article here
You know, I thought the one was “The Gripping Breast” at first glance. It certainly looks appropriate.
…Gripping breast. Oh geez.
When I saw the Liger cover, Strange Movie Anouncer Man spoke in my head and said,
“Liger: Half lion. Half tiger. All man.”
I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the Liger, or the fact that my brain has its own movie announcer.
It’s impossible to look at In Her Wildest Dreams for too long without going insane. Ugh. Everything about it is awful—the jacket (is that what it is?), the speedo (and whatever it’s covering).
OK, I guess the font could be worse.
“Lord ofthe Storm” reminds me of the first Star Wars poster. Only, you know, kind of sad.