I received an email from reader Maria, who told me about this book and said it was UNREAL in its bizarre badness. So of course I forwarded her description to RedHeadedGirl, who replied, and I quote, “WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY I NEED TO READ IT”.

Seriously, you guys. The official book description does NOT even TOUCH the crazysauce that floods this book. This is what it says:

Monte Carlo is abuzz with news that Ram Varindha—young, hot and royal—is without a co-driver for the biggest rally event of the year. Though it’s been years since she last saw him, Mia leaps at the chance to get up close with the maharaja!

With time to spare before he takes on more serious royal duties, bedding this beauty is top of Ram’s list. But Mia has long known Ram’s reputation. Is she just in for the hottest few nights of her life, or could her dream of finally taming Ram’s playboy ways become reality?

Maria’s description reveals much more, and is in all frank honesty ENTIRELY ACCURATE:

Majaraja’s Mistress features a horribly disfigured/visually impaired eye patch wearing interior designer cum race car co-driver who wants one last chance at a race. She also wants to hook up with her brother’s old school chum who happens to be a a race car driver and a Majaraja. But wait, IT GETS BETTER!

Down on her luck she lives in an apartment with three models in Monaco and works as a sexy pirate (not a typo) receptionist in a hair salon run by a Liberace type. There are also multiple scenes involving an elephant parade and a superyacht (not at the same time tho).

I honestly said to myself, “Self, there is no way that Marie got all that right. Seriously. Maybe she is mixing up two books..” BUT NO. IT IS THAT CRAZY.

If you’ve been wondering when the next OMGWTFWOW book would come down the pike, well, here it is. And not only did RedHeadedGirl read it, but I read it along with her.

RedHeadedGirl’s full summary:

So it’s like this:  Ram is the ruler of a small India-expy country called Ramakesh or Rammalammadingdong or something, and he grew up in England with Tony and Tony’s little sister Mia.  They always were the type of friends that fought with each other all the time, and when Ram went off to be a playboy and rule his country, Mia went into a full on danger-seeking mode to… fill up the empty hole in her life or something.  She eventually gets into a car accident while rally racing and has a bunch of scars on her face and loses the sight in one eye (thus necessitating the need for an eye patch) and gets a job in Monte Carlo as the receptionist for a hair salon.  As you do.

Ram is in the process of resigning from his playboy life, and is doing one last rally race as his farewell tour, but loses his co-driver, and Mia jumps in to offer her services, even though they haven’t seen or talked to each other in years.  Also she can only see out of one eye, but that doesn’t seem to matter for driving a racecar around the streets of Monte Carlo.  You’d think that this whole race thing would be a major plot point, but it just sort of happens, and then he invites her to see his yacht (the size of a commercial cruise ship) and then sneaks out of the harbor of Monte Carlo without her noticing that the ship is moving, and basically kidnaps her to Rammalammadingdong, but they have a lot of (boring) sex along the way, so it’s fine.  She agrees to redecorate his yacht, because apparently she was going to be an interior designer before she burned half her face off, and it’s all good.

They get to Rammalammadingdong, and there’s a huge welcoming celebration with elephants (bejeweled elephants) (really), and a lot of misunderstandings about what Ram wants from her, and what she wants from Ram, and what Ram wants to do with his little country he’s been ruling while being a playboy, and if they will ever sit down and hash it out, it’ll be ok.

So here we go, a dueling review from RedHeadedGirl and me for Maharaja’s Mistress.

Sarah: I have lost count of the number of times I have left a note in this book that reads, “What?!”

RedHeadedGirl: I’ve got “what” “wait what”  “that is not how this works” and “ow.”

Sarah: Are these two the most mercurial people ever? “I want you!” “Go away!” “No, wait, I want you again!” 

RedHeadedGirl: These two have the most acrobatic and most boring sex ever.  I didn’t think that was possible.

Sarah: I cannot think of a single metaphor that HASN’T been used. She’s a hurricane. She’s a fallen angel. She’s a storm again. WTF?

RedHeadedGirl: Flinging off of peaks into bottomless pools of pleasure. Plus also elephants.

Sarah: I JUST READ THAT PART. 

And they are Bejeweled Elephants! And also Political Manipulation Elephants.

RedHeadedGirl: OK, I finished it. Basically nothing happened, right?  I didn’t fall asleep and miss it?

And yet all of that nothing was packed in crazy sausage casings.

Sarah:It was two cardboard people moving around in a plot of WTF.

My overall thought: This was the most bizarre book. It was if there was a plot and there were two people in the book but the plot and the characters had nothing to do with each other. Things would happen with elephants and yachts and kidnappings and palaces. Meanwhile, the two people in the plot would shout or murmur cliches at one another, all of it completely unrelated to the plot. 

I must have highlighted 60 different passages and written “What?” “Huh?” 

RedHeadedGirl: My overall thought: I have no idea what this book is about.  That’s okay, because it has no idea what it’s about, either.  Nothing happened around the rally race, the elephants, the giant yacht, and the random forays into interior design.  I feel like Ram was barely cardboard, more like a manila folder character (hot? check. Rich?  Check.  Huge dick? check.) and what’sherface was barely in the same book as anything else that happened. 

I think my favorite note is “Worst ‘where is this relationship going”’ conversation EVER.” 

Sarah: Ram: WHAT?! WHY is his name RAM? Is that some sort of SIGNAL? 

I know a lot of writers talk about plot driven and character driven stories. This was a story where the plot pretty much told the characters how to act. Like the backdrops were film directors talking to the actors: “OK, we’ve arrived in the Rumperkesh or wherever it is. And they have to get off the boat. And here are some elephants. Ok. In this scene, Ram, you get all pissed off without explanation, and Mia – no, no you cannot wear your pirate costume right now, we’re all done with your being a pirate girl. Mia, you have to get excited to ride an elephant while also recognizing with your savant PR skills that Ram’s negative reaction would be disastrous for his assumption of leadership.

*sigh*

That means: get Ram to ride the elephant because it’ll make him look good. Now you have to make sure to fight because we need some make up sex in the next chapter.” 

Seriously. I never understood for a minute WHY they were reacting the way they did to anything! 

Inconsistencies abound, too, which further compromised my ability to understand what the hell was going on. At one point Mia recalls (she spends a lot of time walking around in a reverie) the salon owner pushed her into his salon off the street after seeing her through the window and falling instantly in platonic flaming gay man love with her unique look and style or something. In the next chapter, Mia recalls brazenly going in to ask for a job.

Also of note: Tony, Mia’s brother, is some kind of pivotal figure in both Mia’s and Ram’s lives, but he doesn’t have one scene, nor does he appear to care that his sister is living in alleged misery as a one-eyed pirate in Monaco. Ram similarly has lots of thoughts about Tony, but Tony himself never appears. He’s an excuse, not a person.

RedHeadedGirl: One of the most aggravating things to me in this pile of nonsense was the Truly Exemplary Examples of Telling, not Showing.  She’s a brilliant rally car driver (…without depth perception, but whatever), we know because she says “I’m a brilliant rally driver.”  She’s the bestest interior designer?  We know, because she was thinking about colors and stuff, but the author danced around the specifics- WHAT kind of designs was she thinking about?  She handled herself well in the random contractor meetings off-stage?  IT’S LIKE GREEK DRAMA WHERE ALL THE COOL STUFF HAPPENS OFF STAGE. (except for the utter lack of drama.  I hate that, and so does the Dowager Countess of Grantham.)

And Ram and his Magic Dick- he was an accomplished lover and “took her with skill” or something.  And she screamed a lot.  The sex was SO BORING.  The author rammed it down our throats that it was passionate and acrobatic and fantastic.  I saw no evidence of that.  But I was kind of gagging, so…. 

Sarah: Come on, his name was RAM. That wasn’t enough of a clue?

Looking over my notes, YES. This was all telling and not showing ANYTHING. 

And did you count the cliches? I reached 54 uses of cliches by chapter 9.

RedHeadedGirl: I’m in law school: we don’t DO math.  I can’t count that high. 

The Amazon Product Description on the hardback edition says this:  Vampire hunter Rand Wilder hated vampires-even if they were as beautiful and alluring as vampire princess Dominique Valois. For years he fought the beings who had killed his father, resisting their dangerous sensuality. Yet even Rand was tempted…

…..not this book

The MMP edition says this: Monte Carlo is abuzz with news that Ram Varindha—young, hot and royal—is without a co-driver for the biggest rally event of the year. Though it’s been years since she last saw him, Mia leaps at the chance to get up close with the maharaja!

With time to spare before he takes on more serious royal duties, bedding this beauty is top of Ram’s list. But Mia has long known Ram’s reputation. Is she just in for the hottest few nights of her life, or could her dream of finally taming Ram’s playboy ways become reality?
STILL NOT THIS BOOK.  
Sarah: How is he a playboy? Based on what, countless descriptions of him as dangerous and sexy? And what about this part:

Ram had announced he would shortly be quitting his playboy life to serve his people in the independent state of Ramprakesh, but before that he was to enjoy one last indulgence—a timed rally car race across Europe in his super-car.

How does one quit life as a playboy? Do you resign? To whom, Hugh Hefner?

RedHeadedGirl: OBVIOUSLY. 

Of course he’s a playboy!  He’s got fast cars, and elephants, and a yacht bigger than Rhode Island!  He quite possibly runs around fighting crime at night (that is what playboys DO right?  Or have comics books been lying to me this entire time?)  (Okay, you’re right, he doesn’t have a lot of time to FIGHT CRIME in between all the Ramming he does).

So… he wants to restructure the government of Rammalammadingdong to not be a…. what was the structure before?  Oh right, we don’t really know- so they can be self-determining and also he’s actually running shit and not being a playboy so… he wants to sneak in quietly and not be like “EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT I GOT THIS.”  I mean, I understand thinking a Surprise Bejeweled Elephant is a bit much, but.. did he really think that no one would notice the yacht the size of Rhode Island? 

Sarah: I’m still not sure what qualifications he has to run a country, or how he did it from afar before he resigned as a playboy. (Did he write that resignation letter on rally car stationary, you think? Did it have matching envelopes? Did they say “Vroom vroom!” on the front corner?)

AND another thing: how did the author manage to pack so much detail into every sentence, while revealing absolutely nothing about anyone? Example the first: Mia’s model roommates. Because of course she has several roommates who are (a) models (b) gorgeous (c) friendly (d) incredibly generous and (e) leave en masse when the hot Ramrod walks into their flat.

“We’re going to clean up your act and send you out looking like a princess.” a pretty dark-haired eastern European called Xheni who had recently been scouted by one of the top model agencies assured her.

First: WHAT? I do not understand the parts of that sentence.
Second: XHENI? Someone needs to ascertain the location of JR Ward at this moment and make sure she is not in Monaco with these people. 
Third: WHAT?! 

Here are my top five highlights of nonsensical wtfery from this book. 

“Hairpin bends could come and go, but where Ram was concerned arousal was for ever.” 

If longer than for ever, or longer than four hours, please consult a physician. 

“How could she begin to tell them about Ram when he had flashed across her world like the brightest of comets leaving her to clutch in vain at his sparkling dust?”

DO NOT INHALE.

In a scene with Mia and her Magical Model Roommates talking about Ram:

“When Ram was in town there was a buzz of sexual excitement in the air; they’d all felt it.”

I am willing to bet an entire dollar that Ram wears Axe Body Spray. 

 

“Ram was quite an operator – if you liked your men straight up.”

As opposed to… resembling a corkscrew duck weenus? 

“A blur of hungry female eyes only proved that Ram could turn any club steamy. He had set this one on fire the moment he had arrived – and now it was a raging inferno.”

DEFINITELY Axe Body Spray. This book is the definitive argument for scratch-and-sniff romance.

And, the sex. At one point, parts of Mia’s body were “moistly preparing for his most thorough and prolonged attention.”

MOISTLY?

Then Ram challenged her,

“throwing his head back so she saw his full potential, from the thickly corded column of his neck to the impossibly wide spread of his shoulders and his powerful chest.”

Yeah. In case you missed it earlier, he’s a dick. 

Later they are doing it, she’s on top, “riding him with the same wild abandon she had always used to answer the stone wall she came up against with Ram.”  

What? 

And of course, he’s got lots of skill:

“And then he proved it, taking her to heaven and back with artful delay and intuitive strokes that allowed her to climb the mountain only to hover at its highest peak for the longest moment before plummeting down into the deepest pool of pleasure. “

However, before you think they’re mere fuck buddies, “This wasn’t about sex. It was a celebration of a friendship that had survived against the odds.”

Except for the part where they hadn’t spoken in years, and he had no idea she was in Monte Carlo at all, much less with scars and a plot-device-blind eye. We’ll ignore it. Turn a blind eye to it, in fact.

ba-dum-bump

But my absolute favorite part is where Ram asks her out after their nonsensical rally car race around Monte Carlo, then brings her aboard his yacht which, despite being larger, as you say, than Rhode Freaking Island, is all Stealth Bomber Quiet when the engines are fired up, enabling Ram to basically kidnap Mia and take her with him to RampraRomperRoom without her noticing that they’ve left the harbor. And when they’ve been underway for just enough time that he can’t send her back in the helicopter, which of course the yacht has, nor, you know, TURN the SHIP around, he decides he’s NOT going to tell her where they’re going, and storms off all huffy like because, and I quote, he “has things to do.” 

And when she challenges him on that, showing a bit of spine, thank the good Lord, and demands to know WHY he’s kidnapped her, he reveals everything and nothing by saying, “Because the time is right and because I might need you again.” 

HOWEVER, it is all ok and spiffy fine because Ram has made sure to furnish Mia’s suite with a nearly limitless array of elegant and traditional RampraRomperRoom garb that is (of course) in her size and fits her (of course) perfectly. OH – and he wants her to redecorate the yacht. 

Because… wait for it… “Ram was certainly determined to take her on a voyage of discovery.” 

Say it with me now: 0_o?

NO, WAIT. THIS. THIS is the WHOLE BOOK. 

Making love to Mia felt like coming home. His only regret was that Mia couldn’t be part of his future in Ramprakesh. But he couldn’t let her go, either—the details were sketchy… 

The details hardly mattered as he sank deep into her welcoming warmth. 

The details are sketchy through THE WHOLE GODDAM BOOK.

RedHeadedGirl:

“Mia’s heart cannoned into her throat as a familiar black velvet voice growled a suspicious greeting.”

Cannoned? 

“Why not bring the appointment forward?  There had been far too many simpering, low-fat milk-sops in his life recently. Wasn’t it time to walk on the wild side and eat some clotted cream?”

SO WILD.

“There was no easy way for her – no long-distance solution.  Mia needed close-up warmth and support, just as his people needed him in the country, rather than some distant stranger who issued orders for others to carry out.  He would return home and take Mia with him.  When he was sure she was healed she could leave and pick up her life – become the old Mia, rather than this theatrical version.  It was the only way he could live with the guilt.”

Well, where to start?  First, how does he know what she needs?  THEY HAVEN’T TALKED IN AGES.  Second, whatever, distant stranger.  Third, “leave and pick up her life”?  What does that even MEAN?  If this were obviously his fucked up thought process, and there was some indication that he realizes that he’s WRONG, that would be less ridiculous.  Not a lot less, but less. 

Finally, WHAT DOES HE THINK HE’S GUILTY OF?  As far as I recall, he does not know, nor does he ever know that she went into her danger-seeking phase because she missed him.  That could have been fixed with, you know, a CONVERSATION, but why start now?

I had the “men straight up” line highlighted, too.

“…drawing her knees back as he claimed her to her own soundtrack of sighs and sobs….”

o.O

And then, after hours had passed by in hazy pleasure, he…. throws her into a cold shower.  A lot. 

OH!  The room with the erotic pictures on it-

This wasn’t simply a stateroom, it was a collecting pen for a harem—and Ram was no longer simply her extremely accomplished lover, but a collector of living, breathing artefacts, which he kept alongside his inanimate collectables.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?  That’s a lot of meaning to ascribe to erotic art. 

“Judging by their elephant-sized jewels they had turned out to honor one man- though it was the people who were the jewels of Ram’s country….”

….?  What?

“She was only now discovering that physical intimacy didn’t open the deepest portals in a persons’s mind, it simply drew a veil of pleasure over them.”

Oh, only now she figures this out. 

….and at this point, I “reached the clipping limit for this item.”

“Sinking into feather cushions covered in the softest of fabrics was a sensual high only Ram could have devised, she decided contentedly.” 

UM EXCUSE ME WHO IS THE DESIGNER HERE.

What I needed from these two is to, well, have some substance to them, and a little consistency, and maybe do something-anything, but what I really needed to see was communication.  Actual, honest-to-dog communication where they at the VERY least acknowledge that they have things to say. 

Even the proposal was terrible. 

He hides a ring in an heirloom lute and when she finds it, he…  puts it on her finger and she’s like

you—? Is this…?’ she blurted.

‘A proposal?’ he said coolly as he selected Mia’s marriage finger. ‘Yes, it is.’

Now, he does eventually actually ask the question, but really?  It’s terrible. 

It’s all terrible. 

Sarah:

Wasn’t it time to walk on the wild side and eat some clotted cream?”

GET THEE TO THE GYNECOLOGIST FOR A PRESCRIPTION, MIA. 

So, what grade would you give this?

Honestly, this book was painful and confusing to read. Both characters were so weakly drawn they had two modes of conduct (Fight and Nookie with occasional breaks for Cold Shower) and I didn’t like either of them. The plot was nonsensical and the only conflict was due to them spouting cliches at and about one another and therefore misunderstanding each other like smiting peaks of honey with waves of passion crashing into fallen angels with elephants.

But worst was all the telling. The reader is told everything, and because none of it makes any sense nor is anything I was told about the characters revealed in their conduct, I didn’t believe any of it. Or care.

RedHeadedGirl: I feel like it is so mired in its own wtfery, it shouldn’t deserve an F. But its so badly written. F+?

Sarah: Yes! The elusive F+: it’s horribly written—but there’s exceptional comedic value if you go in preparing for the wtfery.

With elephants.

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