F
Genre: Historical: European, Romance
Theme: Forced Proximity (stranded, safehouse, etc), Marriage of Convenience
Archetype: Character with a Disability
Welcome to the latest edition of I Read This Shit So You Don’t Have To. Trigger warnings for discussion of rape and assault.
When I picked up Scandal Becomes Her I was super excited for the gothic elements it offered. Instead I got a pile of WTFery and a hero who is solidly on Team Don’t Fuck That Guy.
I’m pretty much spoiling the shit out of everything in this review, so if you actually want to read this book (and I don’t recommend it)…I don’t know. May the odds be ever in your favor, I guess. And before anyone comments “But Elyse! The eighties were a weird time!” this book was published in 2007.
Our intrepid heroine is Nell Anslowe. She’s resigned herself to being an old maid because ten years ago she was in a riding accident that left her with a limp. Her then-fiancé (also on Team Don’t Fuck That Guy) broke off their engagement.
Since her accident, Nell has had terrifying and graphic dreams of a man murdering women in a dungeon and dropping them down the sluice hole. She’s convinced that her dreams are visions of actual murders.
Nell is also going to inherit a fuckton of money from her dad. So one night, an impoverished nobleman/mustache-twirling villain named Tynedale kidnaps Nell from her bedroom for the purposes of ruining her so they have to be married. Then his carriage overturns in a storm and Nell is able to flee to an abandoned cottage without Tynedale seeing where she’s gone.
Now enter our hero, and this guy is a fucking treat.
Julian, Earl of Wyndham, is also on the road during this storm because his stepsister, Elizabeth, may have run away with a dashing captain (as Regency ladies are wont to do).
Julian was disinclined to set out in pursuit. His ride home in the sedan chair he had hailed upon leaving Boodle’s had already acquainted him with the fact that there was wicked storm moving over the area. And if Elizabeth was damn silly enough to throw her future away on Carver, let her! But Diana’s sobs and pleadings finally overcame his common sense and convinced him that it was his duty to stop such an impudent match.
Grumbling and muttering, he ordered his horse brought round and changed his clothes. Within a matter of minutes, a broad-brimmed hat pulled across his forehead and swathed in a many-caped greatcoat, he was riding hell-bent for leather out of London. As the weather did its best to make his ride a nightmare, and he doggedly pressed forward, his thoughts were not kind toward his stepsister. In fact, he rather thought that he would beat Elizabeth soundly and throttle young Carver when he caught up to them.
So he’s pissy about being out in the rain and is going to beat his stepsister.
Anyway, Julian is forced to take shelter in the same cottage as Nell, and you can guess what happens next.
He’s a perfect gentleman and offers her his coat and they discuss the weather until they can be rescued?
Nope. We get this:
They landed in a heap, Julian on top of her. His warm weight crushed her to the floor and, panicked, Nell struck him. “Let me go!” she gasped. “You are no gentleman to treat me so! My father will have your hide if you dare touch me.”
Julian smiled down at her, the feel of her slender body beneath him the most delicious sensation he had ever experienced. Rape, however, had never appealed to him and two things were apparent: she was an innocent and wanted none of him. But that mouth was an overwhelming temptation and he coaxed, “One kiss, poppet. Just one.”
You know, I’d like to think that most dudes don’t have to contemplate or mention the fact that rape has never appealed to them BECAUSE THE IDEA THAT IT WOULD BE APPEALING IS SO ABHORRENT AND REPULSIVE.
When a hero has to qualify things like “rape never appealed to me,” does that mean at one point it might have? That someone else was like, “It’s terrific, you should try some!” That he associated with people who do find it appealing?
Isn’t the threshold for basic decency that you don’t question if rape is appealing in the first place?
Fuck. This. Guy.
So anyway, Nell and Julian are found by her brother and father who have been searching for her the entire night. They think briefly about just “pretending this never happened” and all going home, but then (I shit you not) this nosy couple fucking wanders into the abandoned cottage and is all like “Oh, hulloo! What’s everyone about, then?”
We’ve just has this monstrous storm and apparently these two are like, “Well, shall we wake up at the ass-crack of dawn and wander down to that one abandoned cottage that literally no one knows about just to see what’s up?”
“Of course, dear! That sounds delightful! And also don’t forget we’ll have to navigate swamped roadways and overturned trees. Let me get my bonnet.”
So now Nell and Julian basically have to get married.
Julian goes home and shows us, once again, that he is the actual worst:
Slumped bonelessly in the deep copper tub, Julian groaned pleasurably as the heated water gradually worked its magic on his exhausted body. Bliss. Sipping a goblet of wine, tenderly handed him by his butler, Dibble, he decided he might live after all.
I really hate this dude. Even the fact that his butler is named Dibble makes me want to punch him.
So anyway, Julian decides he won’t make any physical demands of Nell on their wedding night because he had a brief spell of self-reflection and a moment of decency popped out, I guess? But then, when Nell is like “Oh, thank God!” he pouts in the corner with his brandy.
Then one night Nell has one of her horrifyingly graphic murder nightmares and Julian busts into her room (naked of course because Dibble knows his lordship likes to feel the freshly pressed linens on his supple nutsack) because she’s screaming.
And basically the scene goes like this:
“OMG ARE YOU OKAY WHAT EVEN?”
“Oh, I forgot to tell you that I have horrifying and graphic dreams of torture and murder and likely watched a woman being killed right now and hey, you’re naked!”
“Yes, I prefer the feeling of the linens rubbing directly on the supple flesh of my nutsack.”
“So, I’ve just had this dream that would…how do I say this delicately…cause an average human being to shit themselves, but now that I’ve seen a peen, I definitely want to bone.”
“Cheerio then! Dibble! Fetch me my boning brandy! And a cold compress for my neck for after!”
So then a whole bunch of stuff happens.
Julian’s stepmom, Diana, shows up for a visit and Julian thinks:
Not only could Diana’s fits and starts be a problem but he also feared the feminine squabbles that might break out. If Diana began to lord it over Nell…The hideous image of himself torn asunder between two raging women rose in his mind.
But Diana and Nell get along fine and if anyone tears Julian asunder, it will be Dibble when one future blood-soaked day he’s had enough of scrubbing his master’s foot-calluses while he reclines in his copper tub with his boning brandy. (Ed. note: you do read a lot of thrillers, don’t you?)
So then the ladies go riding one day and Nell is thrown from her horse and rescued by Julian’s cousin, Charles, who lives next door. But he’s “one of those cousins” with whom Julian isn’t on speaking terms, so then Julian gets jealous.
Also staying with Charles is Tynedale (of course) and Raoul (another cousin) who is also painted to be evil purely because his mom is French, I guess.
So like zero to sixty, we find out that three potential villains live next door and you just know one of them is the dude throwing ladies down the sluice hole.
In a series of events that were all extremely confusing, we find out that Julian’s cousin (another one) (I know) John was murdered ten years ago. And that maybe Nell witnessed that murder and the killers made it look like she had a riding accident (she doesn’t remember much before being rescued) hoping that she’d die from her injuries. And now she’s somehow psychically linked to the killer and sees him committing murders? IDK.
Also Julian worries that Nell might be in love with Tynedale, the guy who kidnapped her and would have raped her.
He tossed off the last of the brandy, his face grim. So, did he believe her or not? He recalled the glitter in her fine eyes, the outrage on her face, and a wave of remorse and shame washed over him. How could he have doubted her? He was a fool! The moment Tynedale’s name had been uttered, he’d reacted like a callow youth in love for the first time–allowing insecurity and jealousy to rule him.
A wry smile crossed his face. Well, he was in love for the first time, surely that gave him some excuse. But there was no denying that he’d let a green-eyed monster, and, he admitted, his own tempter drive a wedge between them they did not need. He took a deep breath. Even if he was not in love with Nell, he would not allow their relationship to deteriorate. He had failed at one marriage, he would not another. And he would not lose Nell to Tynedale without a fight. She was his…and he loved her.
Her nightmares, her link to the murderer, troubled him deeply. If John’s murderer were to learn of that link…If even a hint of Nell’s connection to him were discovered…A chill of bone-deep terror enveloped him. Until this monster, this vile beast of her nightmare was caught, Nell was in desperate danger, her very life could be at stake. At the idea of Nell being harmed a rage such as he had never known exploded through him. His fingers tightened on the snifter and the delicate stem of the snifter snapped. It was the stinging of his palm that brought him back from the well of black fury that he had fallen into and, starting at the blood welling from the deep cuts on his fingers, he made a vow: he would find this monster and kill him. For Nell’s sake, this creature must be found and killed.
And that’s about as much emotional growth as we get from Julian.
His plan to find the monster and bring him to justice involves Julian and his cousin Marcus (how many fucking cousins does this guy have?!) riding around England and asking people if they can look at their dungeons to see if any of them match Nell’s description.
Seriously.
“Hello total stranger! Might I look at your dungeon? For very non-creepy reasons, I assure you.”
Also there’s some super racist shit about “gypsies.”
Then a woman is found murdered on Julian’s property and they realize that the killer is literally in the neighborhood. And Julian is assisted in the man-hunt by his groundskeeper and the local doctor, both of whom are his half siblings because his father apparently got half the county pregnant.
I’m not even making this up. I just…
So if you’re looking for a super satisfying resolution to the murder-dungeon thing, there isn’t one. There’s also not a super satisfying resolution to any internal conflict between Julian and Nell, either. Basically she worries that he can’t love her because he’s still in love with his late wife to which Julian is all “Pfffft, I didn’t even like her. Haven’t you picked up on the fact that I’m a total asshole yet?”
And that’s the whole fucking book.
I know because I read all of it. So you don’t have to.
So why did I give this book a F and not a F+? I feel that F+ is a grade reserved for magical unicorns of books that are so bad that they are good–compulsively readable. Moreover the books I grade F+ have an element of joy to their WTFery. This book was a painful slog. I read Scandal Becomes Her because I had to tell The Bitchery about all of this nonsense, not because I was enjoying myself in spite of the book.
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Wait but who was the murderer?! I read the review twice and can’t work it out.
Even if not satisfying don&5 make me read this to find out!!!!
I remember hiding in bookstores and reading ‘the good parts’ of books that included Busbee’s when I was a teenager. 🙂
Elyse, I am, of course, sorry for your suffering, but the more pain you’re in, the more hilarious your commentary becomes.
It’s my goal for the day to find a use for “supple nutsack” in conversation, even if I have to run to the grocery store at 9 p.m., purchase some pecans, and demand a plastic bag because I forgot my canvas, paper is too stiff (hur), and I like my nut sacks supple.
I LOVE THIS REVIEW!
So hilarious. I think we all owe you a bottle of wine for your efforts at reading this dreck. But I adore the Dibble parts of the review most. The gifs are also brilliantly selected. Bravo!
You had me at “Shirlee Busbee”–I used to read a lot of her stuff back in the day and, even then, I knew it for what it was: sexy crap or crappy sex. Take your pick. However, I continued to read “the good parts” for years. Oh, the crushing shame!
Supple nutsack… I will spend the day pondering how to work this into a conversation. Also your F reviews are the bomb diggity.
I think there should be a ‘supple nutsack’ knitting pattern. Or possibly crochet with granny squares 😀
Supple nutsack = wins the internet today. I now return to my writing labors with a lighter heart.
Elyse, thank you for your brave and noble service.
I just spent about two minutes watching that ferret gif.
Update: The caliber of my friends is such that there was an opportunity to achieve my “supple nutsack” aspiration before 9 a.m. on a weekday. *thumbs up*
My God, Elyse. I’m so sorry you had to read this crap. Having just dnf-ed a crap 80s romance – in which the “heroine” is raped by three men in the present day and also hypnotised all the way back to 13th century Wales, where she’s raped by the previous incarnations of the rapey 80s trio for good luck or something – I admire you. I would never have made it to the end.
Also, thanks for the supple ballsack. I almost spewed tea on my screen. <33
“if anyone tears Julian asunder, it will be Dibble when one future blood-soaked day he’s had enough of scrubbing his master’s foot-calluses”…
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ExjxqxvyxMc
I actually tried to read this a few years back and had to put it down. Shocker, I know! But I thought the whole dreams of torture thing was a kinda paranormal element… that Nell had psychic visions or something… was that the case? Or were they real memories she had repressed?
A++ review!!!
The Julian/Dibble thing is giving me strong Archer/Woodhouse vibes. Actually, the whole thing is giving me Archer vibes, if you took away the excellent satire and just extolled the virtues of a humorless Archer crapping his way through life.
Thanks for taking one for the team, Elyse!!
Sipping a goblet of wine, tenderly handed him by his butler, Dibble…
The adverb led me to believe Dibble was secretly in love with Julian, which was only enforced by the whole linens-on-the-nutsack thing. So I was super sad about Dibble’s unrequited devotion until cousins and illegitimate half brothers started popping out of the woodwork and I realized Dibble has a harem of Wyndham-adjacent males to soothe his broken heart.
supple nutsack
boning brandy
…am dead.
Supple nutsack for the absolute win. Kicking back with some boning brandy to watch the ferret GIF until further notice.
I second Shem’s comment. Can we know who the murderer is so we can avoid even the need to skim it?
Okay the killer is
…wait, wait, wait. We CAN do spoiler tags in comments? What’s the code? is it just For html science!
Also, thanks for the reveal.
I have two four-month-old ferrets in the house, and they are even more bouncy than the one in the GIF. I will now be imagining them swearing at each other as they play wrestle.
Thanks for taking one for the team, Elyse. This sounds like even more inept Heyer plagiarism than Barbara Cartland used to perpetrate.
I read a single Busbee once, decades ago. I don’t remember the plot, but DO remember my response.
F reviews are always so fun to read. Also, English/American translation note: don’t have your heroes ‘toss off’ anything. It’s jacking off, is what it is. And I rather feel that would have a deleterious effect on the boner brandy. Just FYI.
Okay so for awhile I thought maybe this was a reissue of an older book, because that happens.
Then I read this sentence:
“Also staying with Charles is Tynedale (of course) and Raoul (another cousin) who is also painted to be evil purely because his mom is French, I guess.”
I forgot (conveniently) that during the first decade of the millenium we (good ole’ USA) hated the French, because they didn’t like Bush, and they didn’t support our war in Iraq or something. Personally I have never had anything against the French, but a lot of authors took this seriously.
See reviews of Danielle Steel’s The House for more of authors taking it seriously. No really don’t read The House cause it sucks as much as this book and the hero Jef is even more of a jerk. What made me think of the House is the villian is French and the good/bad access conveniently lines up with conservative politics of the time.
“(how many fucking cousins does this guy have?!)” If he’s anything like me, tons! (Including too many lousy cousins who followed the freedom fry politics at that time.)
OMG, I used to LOVE Shirlee Busbee when I was a teenager in the 80s! I still have Lady Vixen, it’s quite old-skool and full to the brim of limpid eyes, heroine dressed as a boy and total weapons-grade douchery from the ‘hero’…
And it’s got some major-league ick factor!
I may have to write a review!
Thanks for taking one for the team, Elyse! I needed a good laugh at the end of this workday. In honor of Shirlee Busbee’s 2007 crazy sauce and the French villain, I now have a hankering for some Freedom Fries.
For a moment, I read the heroine’s name as “Nell Awesome” and I would be all about that!
Sadly, no. The does not have even a funny name to redeem it.
Kinda hilarious when Francophobia involves renaming things that are not even specifically French IN FRENCH, like “frites” (fries/’fried’).
(‘French’ doors are also just, translation, ‘door-window’.)
The review makes me hanker for a book with ALL THE COUSINS. 4 (?) first cousins is SO weaksauce.
There should be cousins-once-removed, second cousins, double cousins, lookalike cousins (like me and my ‘Skinny-Me’), L. M. Montgomery-style (“A Tangled Web”).
Just ALL THE BRAVA FOR THIS. So funny I am plotzing. Come for the supple ballsack, stay for the FUCK EVERYTHING weasel. (Ferret? Mink? Stoat? I DON’T CARE IT’S PERFECTION)
Unlike DiscoDollyDeb I will say it loud and say it proud, I adored Shirlee Busbee’s early books. They’re still in the keeper box under the bed. I am a product of my times. I just wish her story telling had grown with the times as I have.
Also that wet grumpy guy? Totally on his side.
Thanks Elyse! Now I will in no way be tempted to read this to test my “bad book” tolerance.
I do love a good gif review though!
Oh man…I’d started reading this a while ago. It was a Did Not Finish for me that involved some ranting to my husband and I think I even deleted all traces of it from my Amazon account. I’m amazed you made it through.
I remember this! And think I finished it too. Don’t remember hating it.
Now wondering what that says about me and/or what other reading options were available at the time… Hmmmm.
@Deborah:
If you haven’t already sneaked a look at the html, it goes like this (and it had better work on the first try, what with the lack of an Edit Post option):
<div class=”spoiler-box”>
<div class=”spoiler-button”>Click for spoilers!</div>
<div class=”spoiler” style=”color:#ffffff;”> {spoiler text here} </div>
</div>
(Psst! Bitches! Wouldn’t it save some space overall if there were a class “spoiler.content” with color predefined as white?)
Louise, you have just liberated my commenting. Thank you!
I mean, all the other WTFery aside, I am sitting here puzzling how the title and plot go together. Because wtf.
I loved Shirley Busbee books in the ’80s. Gypsy Lady was my favorite. I doubt I could read her now, though. Best for me to leave the ’80s authors to my place of youthful memories.