709. RT Rewind: July 2000 Reviews

[intro]

Sarah Wendell: Well, hello there! Welcome to episode number 709 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, Amanda is with me, and we are going back to July 2000 to take a look at the reviews in Romantic Times magazine.

Now, if you’re thinking, Wait a minute – ‘cause you’re better at remembering numbers than I am – didn’t you already recap July 2000 in episode 661 and 663? Well, yes, but that was actually the June issue. There was a sticker over the barcode with July 2000 written on it, and I believed the sticker. My mistake.

So this is really July 2000, and we really, really mean it. We have got anthologies, we’ve got Carpathians, and we’ve got several books where we are pretty sure the happy ending is to Throw the Entire Man Away. We also debate who was possessed by demons, because that’s a valid question for several of the books we’re going to talk about.

I do want to warn you that when we discuss the Mystery and Thriller, there is a truly gross plot. It is a doozy. So if you are the type of person to get a little nauseous easily, you might want to skip ahead. That section’s about four minutes.

Last week I ran an episode from the Vault. Thank you for being so chill and welcoming to my taking a break; I really appreciate it as someone who thinks, No, you must do all the things all of the time. My interview was with Doctors Joanna Gregson and Jen Lois, and if you didn’t listen – totally cool – their sociological research into the romance writing community blew my mind then, and I still think about it all the time. So I reached out to them to see what they’re working on now, and I have updates from them! Dr. Gregson is now the Provost and Senior Vice President for Academic Affairs, and while her work is more administrative she says:

>> I can say that we told each other we never wanted to do research on any other topic after discovering romance. I plan to return to it whenever I resume a faculty role.

Very cool! Dr. Lois had even more information, which I think is really interesting. Dr. Lois said:

>> As usually happens when we have an interest, write a draft, and then it’s huge, we divide it into two or three papers. So after the 2018 Career Aspirations article, we wrote a paper on how precarious the writing career is, a larger issue in creative industries in general, as you know. We got that paper pretty well in shape when COVID hit, so like everyone else in the world we diverted our attention to other stuff and ended up sitting on that paper for quite some time. Funnily enough, I just submitted it to a journal on Friday.

Very coincidental that I resurfaced that episode. Dr. Lois continues:

>> So we might have another article come out of this research dealing with how authors experience and try to mitigate the precarity of the publishing industry. As Jo says, I’m keeping the flame alive, but it is a small flame. We’ve got another paper about three-quarters finished on the authors’ artistic identities and how they manage that, which I have been calling the “Three Trials of Artistic Self-Doubt” that authors must navigate, so maybe that one is next.

Please, I hope that one’s next.

>> And then last year I attended the annual meetings for the Popular Culture Association to talk about some follow-up interview data from 2017 when we checked in with fifteen of our original interviewees. Not surprisingly, they all had things to say about self-publishing, so I presented a little talk on that, but that was 2017data and so much has changed with self-publishing and RWA that when we do return to this research someday we’re going to have a lot of documenting to do to catch our data up to this new reality.

Imagine trying to do sociological research on the romance community starting in 2015 and then coming back to it now. Wow! Things are very different!

So I want to thank Drs. Lois and Gregson for letting me know what they’re up to, and boy-oh-boy, do I really want to read that paper about the Three Trials of Artistic Self-Doubt. Holy cow!

One of my favorite things about doing this podcast is in a lot of ways you’re getting this little, you know, little tour of my brain. What do I think is interesting? What do I want to talk about? What do I want to learn more about? And then I get to share it, and then you want to hear what I’m thinking and what I’m researching and who I’m talking to, and that is such a massive compliment. So thank you for being as into these strange pathways as I am, and also thank you for being so supportive of my taking an episode out of the Vault. And if I do that again, I hope I pick an episode from the Vault that is as engaging as this one is, and if you have suggestions, please let me know.

I have a compliment this week. This compliment is for Daphne.

Daphne, a recent survey from a team of biologists has found that cats, dogs, all chipmunks, birds, and nine separate scurries of local squirrels voted you as the most trustworthy human, because you are thoughtful, gentle, and your wardrobe is always visually stunning. The squirrels in particular love your wardrobe.

If you would like a compliment of your very own or you’d like to support this here podcast, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Our Patreon community is the reason that there are not any dynamic ads before or after the show for new episodes, and our Patreon community keeps me going, helps make sure that every episode has a transcript from garlicknitter – hi, garlicknitter! – [Hi, Sarah and Amanda! – gk] – and if you are curious about subscriber benefits, there is a collection on Patreon of our bonus content, and there is the most wonderful community of people on Discord who would love to welcome you. Patreon.com/SmartBitches.

And if Patreon support is not in your cards, may I please humbly ask that you leave a review for the show where you listen, or just tell some people. It really does make a difference.

This is a longer than usual intro from me, but it’s about time to get started with the podcast! I do want to warn you, we laugh a lot in this episode. This was a funny issue, and it is a delight. All right, shall we do this? Let’s go: on with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: Amanda, I laughed so much reading this magazine? I.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Laughed. So. Much reading this magazine, and I cannot wait to share it with people, because this one is such a doozy.

Amanda: This is a weird one.

Sarah: I know! It’s so…

Amanda: This one’s a weirdo.

Sarah: I love it when they’re weird! Every time I turned around and saw something new, all I could hear was you in my head going, I miss when romance was zany.

Amanda: [Laughs] It was so bizarro.

Sarah: I love it. I was just, this was so much fun. And also, I have to issue a correction: if you’re really paying attention to the names and titles of the episodes, you’re probably thinking, wait, you already did July 2000! No, there was a sticker on June 2000 that said July 2000, so I took that as gospel; my mistake. That was actually June 2000. This is July 2000 –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – which, with June, June that we thought was July, we did like six months ago. So we’re back –

Amanda: We’re back.

Sarah: – in the 2000s, literally the thousand. Do you remember where you were in 2000?

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: [Sings] In the year 2000!

Amanda: Was I in sixth grade?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I might have been in sixth grade. I don’t know. Yes. I was –

Sarah: That’s unfortunate, ‘cause middle school sucks.

Amanda: I was in sixth grade, ‘cause I remember we were all dealing with like Y2K stuff, and I had not moved to north Florida yet. So –

Sarah: Oh my!

Amanda: Yeah. I remember –

Sarah: So you were still in like the middle of the state.

Amanda: The south, south of the state. Fort Lauderdale.

Sarah: Oh my!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That is quite low!

Amanda: It is quite low!

Sarah: I had gotten, I had gotten married in May 2000 and was about to start grad school and was probably, I don’t know what I was doing in the summer, but I had just gotten married, and we were newlyweds, and we were setting up an apartment, and Adam was going to graduate? No, he had just graduated law school. It was a long time ago –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – but it was, you know, as I, as I can do good math, that was twenty-six years ago this summer.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So you picked this one based on the cover. Why did you pick this issue on the cover?

Amanda: I thought the cover was just really nice. This is a nice cover. Sometimes we get cover images, yeah, just words, or it is a blown-up image of a book cover, but the book cover isn’t that compelling?

Sarah: No.

Amanda: This one is like a beautiful watercolor painting. Like, I would believe this was just, like, a normal painting and not a book cover. It looks beautiful.

Sarah: It’s definitely some kind of painting, and it’s so visually pretty. Like, this is gorgeous cover art, and I don’t even know if this was on a cover or if this was the step back of The Marriage Prize, but the cover book is Virginia Henley, The Marriage Prize.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s so pretty.

All right, shall we get started on reviews?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: You go first. We are starting with, gosh, what, what, what could we be starting with? I just, I don’t, I don’t know! What could, what genre could it be?

Amanda: Historical Romance!

Sarah: Oh, it’s Historical! How exciting for everybody. What did you pick in historical ranch – historical ranch – what did you pick in Historical Romance?

Amanda: So I picked, on page PDF 40, Nobility Ranch by Cynthia Sterling. It’s a Zebra Ballad release. Setting is Texas 1800s. This is a sort of, like, Throw the Whole Man Away review, and it got two stars.

Sarah: Oh, they agreed with you there. [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah.

>> Like many young Englishmen, Charles Worthington, Lord Silsbee, left England for frontier Texas to find his fortune as a rancher. Charles enjoys his new independence and is determined to build his empire. No one will force him to return to his domineering father in England. Lady Cecily Thorndike has been engaged to Charles for four years.

I –

Sarah: Dude, bro, come on now!

Amanda: >> Tired of waiting for him to come home, she’s run off to find her errant fiancé. Like Charles, she loves the harsh beauty and freedom of the American West and is determined to stay in Texas, but she first must convince –

Sarah: Oh Lord.

Amanda: >> – Charles he’s ready to surrender his hard-won freedom for her love. With help from a madam and her girls and the townspeople –

Sarah: No!

Amanda: >> – Cecily learns how to get her man!

>> Charming and sweet, funny and picturesque, Nobility Ranch is a portrait of a time and place peopled with likable characters, a basic plot, and a simplistic conflict between the lovers. Miss Sterling brings us a light, quick read. A nice beginning to a new series. Sensual!

Look, if my fiancé, if I were engaged for four years and he’s like, I’m gonna fuck off to another continent to become a rancher, and you’re not invited, Fuck you, dude!

Sarah: Sir, sir! I also love how this is titled people from the English nobility in the American West? Those two worlds, like, can you imagine someone who’s raised in the English aristocracy going out to Texas in the 1800s? You have –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – never handled that much of your business before. Let’s be real, sir. Like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – nobody’s ironing your shoelaces out there. Come on now. Oh my gosh. And, and of course there’s, like, no mention of anyone who might have been in Texas in the 1800s. No, it’s the frontier; it’s the West; it’s all theirs! It’s fine. Oh boy.

Amanda: I’m also curious if she just, like, doesn’t know he’s gone and learns that he has just disappeared. Like, how does she realize that he has left the continent?

Sarah: He has truly fucked off.

Amanda: And it’s…you can get on a plane and get there. Like, it takes time –

Sarah: No, no!

Amanda: – to get to Texas from England.

Sarah: And it’s risky. It’s a very risky crossing.

Amanda: I would have just written him off and be like, Well, he’s gone or dead, so moving on with my life.

Sarah: Ugh. That is truly a Throw the Whole Man Away book.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So I picked, on page 33, A Memory of Love by my girl Bertrice Small? This is going to go places; get ready.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: A Memory of Love by Bertrice Small, Ballantine, four and a half stars, Top Pick. Setting is Wales, England, and – [dramatic pause] – the Middle East. Previous titles in the series include Bedazzled and Deceived. If you’re thinking Which Bertrice is this? and you know the old covers, this is the one where they couple is standing side by side, I think it’s John DeSalvo and his excellent mullet, and the woman has a gown on where she’s got this sort of pink cape with a, like the cut for her sleeve, so it looks like she’s just wearing a giant pink cape on top of a pink grown, gown, if you remember this cover. And if you don’t, I’ll, it’ll be in the, it’ll be in the episode show notes.

Illemate – ho boy.

>> Illegitimate daughter of the Prince of Wales, Rhonwyn is more like a warrior than a princess. When she’s unwillingly wed to an English nobleman to peacefully unite their countries, Rhonwyn is more hellion than obedient bride. Her husband Edward is surprised at her spirit and then intrigued by her courage and beauty. A good man, he slowly gains Rhonwyn’s confidence and love. And when he joins the crusades –

Dun-dun-duh!

>> – she accompanies him to the Holy Land. When Edward is unable to fight, Rhonwyn serves as head of the troops. Brave and skilled as she is, Rhonwyn is taken captive and given to Rashid al Ahmet, who knows more about women and sensuality than Rhonwyn ever dreamed.

Oh boy. [Laughs] Get ready, this goes wild.

>> Always faithful to Edward in her heart, Rhonwyn nonetheless gives her body to Rashad and discovers a joy and pleasure she never knew with her young husband. But her feelings for Rashad are not the same as those she has for Edward. Her newfound desire and strength are tested when she returns to England to discover that Edward believed her dead and there’s another woman in his life as well.

Woo, damn!

>> The always inventive, always sensual, always marvelous storyteller, Bertrice Small again weaves a tapestry of passions old and new, the wild turbulence of English history, and the exotic world of the Eastern harem.

Oy!

>> Her fans will adore being caught in the threads of this lusty tale. Sensual!

Lusty tale!

Amanda: Lusty tale.

Sarah: She, she is so skilled that she is leading his troops while he can’t fight for, like, whatever reason, and she gets given to this guy and she’s like, This guy has the hot sexing. I’m going to – [laughs] – have some hot sex! Even though Edward’s always in my heart. I just, I’m kind of tempted to read this to see how Bertrice pulls that off, because wow! You can’t do that today! You can’t have the heroine fucking some other guy and get an A – and also you can’t have them getting the sex knowledge in the Middle East; that’s not cool.

Amanda: But also, the hero, the hero has moved on. I’m assuming he’s supposed to be the hero.

Sarah: He’s got another woman!

Amanda: Yeah! So, like –

Sarah: Yeah, like, oooh!

Amanda: – what happens? Does she go back to the Middle East?

Sarah: I’m gonna guess, and I have not read this book, that the other woman is a terrible person and Rhonwyn has to reveal the terrible duplicity and rotten heart of this other woman that has sunk her teeth and her, her claws into her husband and – you know, also, if, if he thought she was dead and she’s not dead, they’re still married. So whatever he was doing with her, he’s either a bigamist or whatever. But my guess is that the other woman is evil and Rhonwyn has, or, yeah, Rhonwyn has to thwart her at some point.

Amanda: Don’t you hate it when your dead wife shows up and she’s not dead at all? [Laughs]

Sarah: I mean, and if you knew you were in a romance novel, wouldn’t you think there was like a forty-five percent chance of that happening? Like, not, no body, not dead. Let’s be real.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But none of these people know they’re in a romance, which is why it makes no sense to them.

[Laughter]

Sarah: The next section is Inspirational, and all of these reviews are written by the same person named Roberta Blair. What did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked True Devotion; it’s Romantic Suspense by Dee Henderson; it’s four stars. I feel like a lot of these reviews, and you may have encountered this as well, where there’s just a line or two that really sticks out. Like, there’s one for Mainstream Fiction –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – that I grabbed where, like, I read one line and I’m like, Let’s unpack that for a second. And that’s where –

Sarah: It’s like you, you’re skimming them, you’re skimming them, and then you record-scratch because you’re like, I’m sorry, what?

Together: Yeah.

Sarah: Totally. Hundred percent, that’s what happens to me.

Amanda: So keep in mind, this is the Inspirational category.

>> Kelly Jacobs lost her Navy SEAL husband in a training accident, but Kelly knows his death was much more than that. Confidential, Top Secret, and Classified are stamped on everything, and there are too many unanswered questions. But when Joe “Bear” Baker saves her life, she feels herself falling in love again. She can’t give her heart to another SEAL; it hurts too much. Joe’s got a tender spot for the widow. He was her husband’s commanding officer and best friend and always felt close to Kelly – uncomfortably close. Now Nick Jacobs’ killer –

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: >> – is stalking Kelly, and he’s got to protect her.

>> Dee Henderson has created another fast-paced romantic suspense. Her SEALs are gritty but tender and her protagonist a vulnerable but capable Christian. A great read.

Sarah: What – what? Vulnerable but capable –

Amanda: Capable Christian!

Sarah: What? They’re just sprink- –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – they’re just sprinkling on the Christianity like it’s, like it’s, you know, Accent or some saffron? Like, what?

Amanda: I also love just using the acronym SEAL? Because her seals are gritty but tender?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And then she can’t, she can’t give her heart to another seal? [Laughs]

Sarah: [Barks like a seal]

Amanda: I just, I just imagine an actual seal. But yeah, but, like, vulnerable but capable Christian. What does that mean?

Sarah: And some gritty seals!

Amanda: Gritty seals. Gritty seals and capable Christians.

Sarah: Hang on, I’m saving that. The gritty seals and capable –

Amanda: [Laughs] Christians.

Sarah: – Christians. It’s like, it’s like being in the lion’s den, except it’s just some gritty seals and they’re just like – [seal barks, laughs]!

Amanda: Gritty, sandy seals.

Sarah: I love a gritty seal.

[Laughter]

Sarah: This magazine is so funny this month! I’m so happy! Okay.

Amanda: It’s just weird!

Sarah: I love it! I’m just, I’m having such a good time. [Laughs]

All right. Also on page 45, I picked The Promise Remains. It’s a contemporary by Travis Thrasher, and –

Amanda: What a name.

Sarah: – it is three stars. Yeah, hoo!

>> Sara Anthony has accepted a marriage proposal from a man she doesn’t love. Bruce Erickson is good, kind, and successful, and the perfect match. Or at least that’s what everyone else thinks. But Sara is still in love with the boy she met at summer camp so long ago. Only now that she is thirty years old, she feels it is time to settle down and start a family. Ethan Ware has received a fantastic career opportunity. His uncle has offered him a position in his company in Germany, but Ethan’s got unresolved business: heartache that will not be eased until he knows what happened to Sara, the girl who stole his heart so many years earlier.

>> Travis Thrasher’s first novel is a tender romance about unrequited love and second chances. This story is fresh and full of surprises.

Okay, I have some time questions here.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So, as you know, I worked in summer camp, and usually the summer camps that I have been around either run from first grade to high school graduation or maybe third grade to high school graduation, and some of them start in first grade. So if they are now thirty, the latest she could have met and fallen in love with this guy – unless they were staff, but it sounds like they were campers – would be like seventeen or eighteen. How do you fall in love with somebody to the point where at, at seventeen, when, like, literally none of your brain is done growing, you’re going to hold on to this unrequited love that you had at seventeen all the way to thirty? And you’re going to have to, like, before you move on and become a full adult and, like, marry somebody or whatever, you’ve got to go back and find this guy. How long ago was this? If I read this, I would not believe, I don’t think, that they had really fallen in love and were holding a torch for each other. Like, think of how different you are between seventeen and thirty.

Amanda: Also, like, the description doesn’t really give a hint to how they, like, reconnect again.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: Like –

Sarah: Like –

Amanda: – do they wind up at the same –

Sarah: This is 2000!

Amanda: – company? Like, what? How do they cross paths again?

Sarah: Now, I got…

Amanda: If he’s going to Germany –

Sarah: I got the internet in college. That would be ‘96, ‘97. Some people had it as early as like 1994. But the internet is a thing. You can find some things in 2000. Like, there’s a lot of online activity that is growing at this time. Surely – I mean, it, it, it stands to reason that there would be ways to find this person before it’s like, all right, before I, before I get married, before I move to Germany, I’ve got to find out what happened to that girl I kissed – [laughs] – twelve years ago when I was seventeen. This does not hold up for me is what I’m saying. And, and, and I am someone who met my husband at nineteen, or at seventeen, and got together with him at nineteen. Like, I know you can meet somebody and stay together, and I know that happens, and I know people connect with people that were, you know, from their childhood, but to, both people to hinge their whole lives on this one meeting, and they haven’t really dealt with it until now? That, I’m –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – I’m not – I’m, I am thinking about this way more than anyone else has thought about this book?

Amanda: Than Thomas Thrasher thought about it.

Sarah: Yeah. The only person who thought about this more is, is Mr. Thrasher.

So you passed on –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Amanda: Yeah, ‘cause, like, the sci-fi section, for people who look at the visual aids, the sci-fi section is very much set up like the Series section, where –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – they’re sort of, like, put into paragraphs by publisher.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: And none of these really jumped out at me. They were all fine. Sometimes when we go back and look at these, if I see a title I recognize, I might grab that one just to talk about what they were saying at the time for a book that I’m familiar with. But I didn’t recognize any of these titles, and all of them were just sort of fine. Yeah.

Sarah: I found one book where the description and what is going on in this one paragraph made me laugh so hard I was crying. Now, I have a choice here: I can read the whole review, or I could just read the paragraph that made me laugh, but if I try to read the whole review you’re gonna know which one it is ‘cause I’m not gonna be able to get through this without laughing.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: But since not everybody can read the magazine, I will start from the top. I have chosen Prophecy by Elizabeth Haydon. It is a TOR book; it is a Romantic Times Top Pick. Four and a half Gold! It’s got the 4-1/2G. So it’s a four and a – oh, it’s a TPG! It’s very exciting!

>> Fans eagerly anticipating the second book from Elizabeth Haydon will find their highest hopes fulfilled in Prophecy. After making an amazing journey from the doomed island of Sarendair, Rhapsody and her two Firbolg companions traverse both time and distance to make their home in an abandoned fortress in –

Okay. Ylorc? Y-L-O-R-C. I’m going with Ylorc. If I’m wrong, sorry. Okay. [Swallows, clears throat] Swallowing the laughter.

>> But while Achmed and Grunthor busy themselves with establishing an independent Firbolg state –

[Laughs] Sorry!

>> – Rhapsody finds herself more and more fascinated by her new acquaintance, the enigmatic Ashe.

That sentence is just incredible. With Achmed and Grunthor busy themselves, busying themselves with establishing an independent Firbolg state, Rhapsody is hanging out with Ashe. This is just incredible.

Amanda: Well, they’re busy. She’s got to find something else to do, apparently.

Sarah: Right! Because Grunthor and, and, and Gunther, Achmed and Grunthor are very busy here. Okay.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: >> Is he possessed by a demon?

[Laughs]

>> Is he possessed by a demon –

Amanda: Good question.

Sarah: >> – or is he just a man? Is he just a man with secrets he cannot share?

These are clearly the only two options.

>> And does she dare accept his help to stem the chaos fomented by the evil –

All right, so it’s capital F apostrophe dor, so I’m going with F’dor, like F-stop –

Amanda: F’dor?

Sarah: or maybe…door, but I’m going with F’dor

>> Dare she accept his help to stem the chaos fomented by the evil F’dor, whose dedication to destruction threatens the continued existence of the whole world?

No, not that!

>> The superlative Ms. Haydon elevates craftsmanship to a new level of excellence as she deftly weaves mythology into high fantasy, catching our hearts with the extraordinary power and intensity of both characters and concepts. This series already has landmark written all over it.

I could not get through reading about Grunthor and Achmed and the new acquaintance, and if you have a guy who’s being a little weird, your options are is he possessed by a demon, or is he just being secretive? It’s either those things. [Laughs]

Amanda: So I looked up the cover, because sometimes the covers of these things will have, like, the characters on them?

Sarah: Oh yeah. What’s, what’s Grunthor and Achmed wearing? I want to know.

Amanda: They’re not on the cover.

Sarah: Well, balls! What do we got? Where are you putting it?

Amanda: There is, there’s a lady in, you know, like, traveling garb: she’s got pants and a billowy shirt and a cape. And then there’s a very scary dragon. There’s a very scary dragon emerging from a lake, and I don’t think the dragon or the lady is Achmed or Grunthor.

Sarah: Alright, I’m pulling it up. Are you – this, this book has its own Wikipedia page! This really was –

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: – a landmark book! I need to know more about – ohhh! What is this steam coming out of her groin?

Amanda: It’s a sword.

Sarah: Is that steam?

Amanda: I think it’s a steam sword.

Sarah: It’s a steam sword, but it looks like she’s farting forward.

Amanda: Yeah. I mean that’s a queef, right?

Sarah: That’s absolutely a cover queef. I mean, if you wanted to weaponize queefing, I suppose you could do that. But also, this dragon, if this is his hoard, he has a sunken ship’s wheel in the hoard. Like, did this, this dragon just, like, eat a ship and vomit up a, a – like, why is there just the wheel sticking out of the ground? And why is her sword – [laughs] – a gaseous line? Is it a fart sword? [Gasps, whispers] She’s got a fart sword. Don’t tell anybody about it.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So, yeah, I, I got to Grunthor and Achmed, and I was like, Okay, this is, this is great. I’m, I want to talk about this.

Amanda: And here I am, like, struggling over what to name things in books that I’m writing when –

Sarah: Bah!

Amanda: – people are writing Grunthor over here as…

Sarah: Meanwhile, the heroine’s name is Rhapsody.

Amanda: [Sighs]

Sarah: I love when romance was zany. This is such a great time.

So in Mainstream Fiction, which if you’re new here is literally everything else –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: All of the things are in Mainstream Fiction. What did you pick in Mainstream Fiction?

Amanda: This is a massive section. So I picked a multicultural, contemporary romance anthology.

Sarah: [Innocent tone]What does multicultural mean, Amanda?

Amanda: It means there’s Black people in the book.

Sarah: [Gasps] Whaat? Oh my goodness!

Amanda: I know.

Sarah: There’s only one other cultural. It’s, multicultural is just – [laughs] – that’s just one; multicultural is only one. Oh boy.

Amanda: And so it has four authors. Some of them are pretty well known. Rochelle –

Sarah: I think all of them are.

Amanda: – yeah – Rochelle Alers, Donna Hill, Felicia Mason –

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: – and Francis Ray. It’s a St. Martin’s, and it’s four stars.

Sarah: These are all foundational Black authors, yeah.

Amanda: Yeah. And this review is fine, but once again, there’s a sentence in there that just jumps out at me. And it’s pretty early on. So this is the review, and they sort of give a snippet to each of the four stories that are in the anthology.

Sarah: Mm-hmm. And to be fair, it is so hard to review an anthology?

Amanda: Yeaahh. Yeah.

Sarah: It’s so hard. It’s so hard, because sometimes you have so much to say about one, and then the next story you’re like, Well, I need to say something about it, and I don’t have anything – oh, it’s so hard to review an anthology. It’s so hard. So –

Amanda: …anthology –

Sarah: – respect for that.

Amanda: – you know, you’ll have like one clear one that’s like, Oh my God, this one’s so good, or one that’s definitely –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – not up to snuff compared to the other books in the, in the anthology. And now with, like, e-books, you get anthologies that have, I don’t know, like seven stories in them. Like, how do you do that?

Sarah: Do you remember when people would game the, the New York Times bestseller and the USA Today bestseller by –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – pre-, doing a preorder for an anthology with like sixty authors in it, and it was like sixty books for $1.99, and everyone would preorder and it would appear on a bestseller list, making all of those authors bestsellers? Like, it was –

Amanda: Yep.

Sarah: – a smart way to game the system to get some banner headings on your name, but like, wow, how many of those fifty-book anthologies really got read? That’s a lot of friggin’ books in one file.

Amanda: So the review:

>> Four strong and independent women are about to find a unique kind of love. Donna Hill begins the anthology with It Could Happen to You, where every American’s nightmare comes to life as the IRS decides to audit Della Frazier’s salon.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: [Laughs] And I have to think, is that –

Sarah: Oh no!

Amanda: – every American’s nightmare is to be audited by the IRS?

Sarah: I mean, it’s a nightmare. Okay! Sure. Those are the stakes. I get it.

Amanda: I mean –

Sarah: Ehhh!

Amanda: – rant included of, like, I think our tax system is garbage, and I think it’s pretty fucked up that we ask normal human beings to file tax returns every year when we don’t know what the hell we’re doing. Or we have to pay out the butt for a tax person!

Sarah: The, the thing is, the IRS already knows how much tax you owe? But you get to apply and see if you do it right. It’s like taking a test where they know the answer, but they need you to prove you know the answer too. Like –

Amanda: I hate it.

Sarah: – in other countries, in other countries – which, by the way, they, they have a lot more social services because they pay higher taxes – in other countries, the taxing authority will send you a notice: Here’s how much you owe. Like, we’ve already figured it out; here you go. Like, what the – okay. Yes, agreed: our tax code is a hot mess.

Amanda: So every American’s nightmare: getting audited.

>> Hard-as-nails auditor Matt Hawkins has his job cut out when he finds himself helping Della instead of closing the doors to her business.

That’s great. Glad you didn’t shut down a small business.

Sarah: Good job, sir! And, like, why is a Black hair salon getting audited? Like, why? That seems targeted to me. Anyway.

Amanda: >> In A Matter of Trust by Francis Ray, Sebastian Stone wants Hope Lassiter to be the lead in the play he’s about to direct. Hope isn’t after, isn’t after just the role of Eleanor; she wants Sebastian as well. Sweet Surrender by Rachelle Alers is deeply moving yet delightfully light and romantic. The sense of family loyalty is strong as nail technician Maria Ynez Parker and CEO Cameron King offer a captivating twist to romantic fiction.

That says kind of nothing.

>> In the final tale, Truly, Honestly by Felicia Mason, Sheila Landon and Daryl Desmond must get over their social status differences in order to let love have its way. Sheila’s mysterious actions will have readers rapidly turning pages.

This wasn’t a –

Sarah: Is she possessed by a demon?

Amanda: [Laughs] I know.

Sarah: Is she possessed by a demon? [Laughs] Is that what happened?

Amanda: As you stated, an, it’s very hard to review an anthology, and especially if you’re doing it in print where you have limited space.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: This was not super helpful. But I just, the Ameri-, every American’s nightmare, being audited, definitely grabbed me ‘cause it reminded me of the whole, you know, as a Millennial, thinking quicksand was going to be a bigger deal than it actually was in real life? Like the dangers of quicksand? [Laughs]

Sarah: I was just going to be encountering quicksand everywhere in my adult life. I was convinced.

Amanda: But yeah, it’s like, is the fear, do other people have fears of being audited? Is that a fear people have? Chime in if that’s your worst nightmare!

Sarah: I can speak as a business owner, and I would be very annoyed to be audited, but I also keep really close records because I’m a business and I know I can be, especially, my business name is Smart Bitches Trashy Books, LLC? You know somebody would be like, Okay, le-, le, what, what’s, what’s, what’s that?

Amanda: We’ll take a little peek.

Sarah: Let’s take a look. Yeah, so I’m pretty assiduously attentive, and I imagine most business owners are.

I picked, on page 82, a book with a series that I just, I love thinking about. This is a four and a half Top Pick. It is Carpathian, baby.

Amanda: I saw it, and I’m like, oh boy.

Sarah: It is Dark Magic by Christine Feehan!

Amanda: [Sighs]

Sarah: I will reread the first one. Dark Lover, I think it is? I’m getting, I could be getting that wrong, ‘cause I get, I get the, the Carpathians and other vampire series mixed up. But the first one is just, these Carpathian guys are just like, You’re my mate, and I’m going to put you through deep emotional stress and trauma because you’re my mate, and I’m not going to inform you about what that means, but it means things for you. Surprise! We got another one of these fuckaroos. This is another Throw the Whole Goddamn Man Away.

>> After centuries of searching, Gregori, the Dark One, has found his soulmate. Savannah is the child of Raven and Prince Mikhail, the leader of the Carpathian race. All Carpathian males are doomed to be corrupted vampires unless they find their life mate.

This is a lot of pressure to put on the life mate, by the way.

>> Gregori’s waited as long as possible for Savannah to accept her destiny, but she is independent and stubborn.

And she probably doesn’t want to have life choices made for her! So her parents are the hero and heroine of the first book, and she is born, and Gregori is like, That’s my life mate! It’s very imprinting on the baby. Yeah. Okay.

>> Savannah has made a career for herself as a famous magician!

That’s cool!

>> One night her friend and manager Peter is murdered by a vampire. Gregori arrives on the scene to vanquish the evil one, and at that moment he decides he can no longer wait. Savannah must bond with him and become his full life mate. While Savannah –

This is so gross.

>> While Savannah has known Gregori for most of her life, she fears being overwhelmed by his powerful personality.

Also, you were a child and he has always been an adult, and he’s like literally hundreds of years old.

>> Circumstances suddenly make all her issues moot –

That helps.

>> – and while they are technically bonded, Savannah and Gregori must still learn to live together. There is also the specter of the dangerous human society that hunts the vampires and Carpathians alike. Savannah and Gregori will need to pool their resources –

All right, how much money do you have in your wallet? I’ve got like five dollars.

>> – to eliminate a powerful and dangerous threat to their race.

I hope they take cash!

>> Christine Feehan’s magically enthralling series continues with the story of dark and charismatic Gregori. With each book, Ms. Feehan continues to build a complex society that makes for mesmerizing reading.

These are some of the worst heroes I’ve ever read. Like, they put these, their, their life mates through emotional torture because, like, for example, in the first book, they’re bonded and life mated or whatever, and there’s, like, dancing and, you know, special foot moves for the spells and chanting and all this stuff happens, and they don’t tell the, the women in their lives, like, what’s happening to them. And there’s one scene in the first book where the hero, because he’s a Carpathian, has to be underground during the day, and it feels as if he is dead, and he does not tell his life-mated human mate that when he is underground, she will feel overwhelming grief that will lead her to suicidal ideation because she be-, her body will believe that he is dead and she is alone, even though rationally, he’s just sleeping. He’s, it’s just for the day. He doesn’t tell her this and lets her go through this torture with, like, a – and there’s a priest there to keep her company, and he thinks, like, playing checkers is going to help or something. It’s insane! It’s so awful. And I’m like, this guy fucking sucks! Now, when I read this, I was like, Oh wow, I’m so in! Obsessive, dark, menacing, weird vampires: I’m so in! And then I read it like ten years later and I’m like, these guys suuuck! Also the Carpathians always had a, a sex scene with doggy style. Like, you, you could not have a Carpathian book without doggy style. Count on it; it’s in every one; it’s very strange. But I just needed to take a little memory lane visit to the Carpathians, because it’s one of my favorite series to think about –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – just in terms of the sexual dynamics and the power differential and the fact that she was born and, like, he’s been like, This is my mate; I’ve got to wait for her to grow up. Bro. Bro! 

Amanda: No.

Sarah: …Uh-uh! My goodness.

All right, now we get to Mystery, Thriller, and I think this section was so fun. What did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked Don’t Drink the Water by Susan Rogers Cooper on page 95.

Sarah: I’m so glad you picked this one! [Laughs]

Amanda: This is just full of bad ideas, this one. It’s labeled Amateur Sleuth, Series, Humorous. It’s four and a half stars and was a Top Pick.

>> Though romance writer E. J. Pugh and her three sisters have never gotten along, in an effort toward family peace, they all agree to rent a house and vacation together on the island of St. John.

Bad idea fucking number one. If you don’t get along with your family –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – why, why would your first step towards a mediation be on, going to vacation where you can’t just get up and leave and go the fuck home?

Sarah: You’re locking yourself in a house, and if it’s St. John in the Virgin Islands, you’re on an island in the Caribbean and you’re locking yourself in a house with people who you don’t get along with, who are your sisters, who know how to press your buttons because they installed them. Oh no!

Amanda: The worst idea.

>> Of course the sisters start bickering immediately. Things get even worse when they discover a body in the house cistern. When the body –

Sarah: No!

Amanda: >> – is identified, suspicion falls on E. J.’s brother-in-law, Larry, who once employed the dead woman.

Sarah: Why is she in your cistern?

Amanda: I think that’s the mystery, Sarah. [Laughs]

>> E. J. decides to investigate, which draws the attention of the police, and she soon becomes the main suspect. When another murder takes place, E. J. knows she has to solve the crime herself or spend the rest of her days behind bars on a tropical paradise.

Sarah: No.

Amanda: >> Don’t Drink the Water overflows with humor and suspense. The mystery is a baffler, but readers will also enjoy E. J.’s attempts to mend fences with her three redheaded sisters.

Sarah: Oh, you know that’s a plot point, that their whole personalities are having red hair. Like, you know that. Okay, I did not put together, there’s a dead body in the cistern, and the title of the book is Don’t Drink the Water. No! No, no…

Amanda: So I guarantee you someone drank some water, and then they discover the dead body.

Sarah: Somebody drank – oh no. [Sings] No, no, no, no, no!

Amanda: Look at –

Sarah: Oh my God.

Amanda: I – they clearly need therapy before going on this vacation, and they’re certainly going to need therapy after this vacation, drinking dead body juice.

Sarah: Oh. My. Wow.

Amanda: Yeah, bad ideas –

Sarah: [Laughs] Don’t drink the water! Oh my God!

Amanda: – all the way down. Don’t drink the water: there’s a dead body in it.

Sarah: I might have to, like, put a little warning up top about this part? [Laughs] Like, listen, we’re going to talk about some disgusting plot points. Heads up!

All right. So I picked, on page 96, another truly excellent title. Are you ready?

Amanda: I’m ready.

Sarah: Murder of a Small-Town Honey by Denise Swanson is an Amateur Sleuth. It’s from Signet, got four stars.

>> Fired from her previous job, Skye Denison reluctantly returns to her hometown of Scumble River, Illinois, to accept a position as a school psychologist. She arrives in time for the annual Chokeberry Festival and finds the town divided over whether the festival should expand or not.

These are –

Amanda: What the fuck is a chokeberry?

Sarah: This is some stakes, man. The Chokeberry Festival might expand. That is, mm-mm.

Amanda: I’ve never heard of this before.

Sarah: Is it a real berry? I’m sure it is.

Amanda: It’s real!

Sarah: I’m sure this author could tell you everything you need to know about the chokeberry, because authors be like that. They know all the things that they put in their books. So – and I mean that as a compliment, by the way. Like, you want to ask an author about something they researched, they, they want to tell you.

>> Skye really isn’t interested –

I can’t imagine why.

>> – until she stumbles across the body of popular children’s TV show host, elderly Mrs. Gumtree. A preliminary investigation reveals that Mrs. Gumtree was actually the youthful Honey Adair, a native daughter, and that she’d been murdered.

So Honey Adair, of the titular Murder of a Small-Town Honey, is actually Mrs. Gumtree, so she’s, like, Mrs. Doubtfire-ing it, dressing as an older character?

Amanda: I guess.

Sarah: What’s she doing in Choke-, Chokeberry Festival in, ‘scuse me, Scumble River, Illinois?

Amanda: I don’t know!

Sarah: This is so much. This is so much!

>> Police suspicion soon falls on Skye’s happy-go-lucky brother Vince, who had been involved with the nasty Honey years earlier. The murder weapon even belongs to Vince! (Exclamation point) Skye hires the best attorney she can and then sets out to clear Vince’s name.

>> Murder of a Small-Town Honey is the start of a bright new series!

Really.

>> Swanson captures the essence of small-town life in Scumble River, and Skye is a likable heroine.

That’s not a review, and also, what is happening in this town?

Amanda: There’s –

Sarah: That is so much –

Amanda: – so much.

Sarah: – stuff in one, in, in one small town. I loved when there were small town series and just things were truly bonkers. The only person who really, I think, carries this off perfectly is Bev Jenkins with her Blessings series? This is, this is a lot. And there’s no review, as usual.

So moving on to Series Romance, we did not have any ones in this.

Amanda: No. It was hard to choose, though.

Sarah: Yes, and there were a lot of – you’ll never guess – threes, fours, and fours, four and a half stars that all kind of read the same. So sometimes picking books to talk about could be a bit of a challenge. What did you pick in Series Romance?

Amanda: So there’s, there are a lot of babies. There’s a lot of babies and a lot of cowboys in this section.

Sarah: We really haven’t reckoned with the pregnancy fetish of Harlequin, have we?

Amanda: No, and – [laughs] – there was one, there’s – I didn’t pick this one, but there’s a title called Whose Baby Is This?

Sarah: I love those!

Amanda: And I almost picked that one, but I picked the one right after it on 106 called The Pint-Sized Secret?

Sarah: Oh, is that about you?

Amanda: No. [Laughs] I’m not a secret, trust me! You’ll hear me.

Sarah: That’s true. [Laughs]

Amanda: Specifically for this one phrase, and you’ll know it when I say it.

>> What starts out as a simple inquiry into the leaking of company information becomes complicated when the virile oil man spearheading the investigation –

[Laughs]

>> – spearheading the investigation falls in love with the –

[Both laughing now]

Amanda: Sorry.

Sarah: For those of you not watching the video, I now have my glasses off; I’m crying; I’m wiping my eyes with a clean sock. Like, it’s going to hell over here. Oh my God!

Amanda: The virile oil man! Okay.

>> – spearheading the investigation falls in love with the prime suspect, a spirited geologist who just happens to have a secret of her own. While the heroine’s reason for keeping her secret lacks substance, The Pint-Sized Secret (three stars) has all the passion, laughter, tears, and familiar characters readers anticipate in a Sherryl Woods love story.

But yeah, I read the phrase “virile oil man,” and I’m like, pack it up, everyone! Go home!

Sarah: We have a, we have a winner. So now we have gritty seals, capable Christians, and –

Together: – virile –

Sarah: – oil men.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Hell yeah! Oh my God. That really just – that, that laugh was delightful. I hope if you were driving you’re okay, ‘cause, I mean, we were not okay. We’re just sitting. Oh my God!

Amanda: Shout-out –

Sarah: To all you –

Amanda: – to the virile oil men –

Sarah: – all those –

Amanda: – listening.

Sarah: – virile oil men out in the world. I mean, and are they possessed by demons? We do not know. Okay.

Amanda: [Sighs]

Sarah: Speaking of Whose Baby Is This? one of my favorite books I ever reviewed was called Who’s the Daddy? by Judy Christenberry, and it’s about a pregnant woman who has amnesia, can’t remember who knocked her up –

Amanda: Oh my God!

Sarah: – and there’s two guys, and they’re like, It was me! No, it was me. Oh, that was a good one.

All right, so I picked, on page 105, Who’s Been Sleeping in Her Bed? by Pamela Dalton.

>> Talented new author Pamela Dalton comes up with an interesting variant on the amnesia theme in Who’s Been Sleeping in Her Bed? A beautiful detective married to a handsome dairy farmer wakes up after a bad fall with no memory of either husband or career. Excellently researched, Ms. Dalton uses intriguing characterization to add welcome freshness to a familiar plot.

So she has amnesia and she can’t remember who her husband is? Who’s been sleeping in her bed? Wooow. I love a good amnesia.

Amanda: Or what she does for a living. My concern – and I’m just hypothesizing here – my concern is, like, is this one of those stories where she doesn’t remember that she is a beautiful detective, and somehow the husband convinces her not to return to work or her job?

Sarah: Oh, that’s very sinister. That’s a very sinister plot. He’s a handsome dairy farmer, though. He wakes up really early and is out of the house all day. I just, I love how there were always amnesia and lots of pregnant women falling in love in Harlequin land. It was just, it’s truly great. Nothing is gonna top virile oil man, though.

Amanda: Oh my gosh, the cover? Have you looked at the cover?

Sarah: For what, Pint-Sized Secret?

Amanda: Who’s Been Sleeping in her Bed?

Sarah: Oh no! Okay, hang on.

Amanda: Okay, and then they call him a dairy farmer, but the book description references him as a cattle breeder.

Sarah: Well, those aren’t the same thing. What, what is this? What? Okay, so there’s a new cover that’s, like, pink and weird, and they’re just staring at each other, and she’s looking at his pecs.

Amanda: No.

Sarah: But the, the original on eBay – oh! Oh my, look at this! He’s like, he’s got a nine-pack of abs, and his nipples and his eyes are staring at her. He’s lounging in bed like, Hey, baby, and she’s standing with her arms fold-, like, her arms on her hips like she’s pissed off, like Who the fuck are you? Get out of my bed!

Amanda: Like, Who the hell are you?

Sarah: What the hell are you doing in my bed? Ohhh, this is amazing! I love it!

Amanda: Wait – according to the book description, she can’t remember anything, but apparently, like, the last conversation that they had before she lost her memory is about her wanting a divorce.

Sarah: Oh! Oh, he’s very invested in her not remembering things, isn’t he? Oh my stars. This cover is amazing. He’s like, what are you, what are you mad about? I’m hot, my nipples are out, and I’m in your bed. What could possibly go wrong? And she remembers enough to be like, You suck; get out of my bed. Wow. Oh, this cover is incredible; I love it. There’s so many muscles.

Amanda: Goodreads has a, a good image if you go to the –

Sarah: Amanda, there’s so many muscles!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: There’s so many!

Amanda: It’s like a pack of King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Sarah: [Laughs] It really is! He’s got, he got, he’s eating Hawaiian rolls in bed with those nipples. Look at that. Hold on. Is that John?

Amanda: John, is that you?

Sarah: Is that you, John? The husband she couldn’t remember, and he’s like, Look, I’m hot; my nipples are out. Just, just, everything’s fine! Oh wow. [Laughs] Pack of Hawaiian rolls.

Now, you skipped Regency. I did pick a Regency. I picked Lady Jane’s Nemesis by Patricia Oliver. This is from Signet; this is a four and a half star. If you are new or not familiar, Regency was a type of book. It was not just books that were set in the Regency. They were about the same size as Harlequins, or if you remember Sweet Valley High or Sweet Dreams, they were little paperbacks. And they were the size and shape and, and page count of, like, Series, but they were only Regencies. Some amazing historical authors got their starts writing Regencies. So this is Regency, both the format and the genre.

>> Signet: A quality month for Signet –

Hell yeah!

>> – begins with another groundbreaking novel from Patricia Oliver. Lady Jane’s Nemesis (four and a half) is the local wanton wife who has captured the attention of a marquess’ heir, who just happens to be her betrothed.

I don’t understand this. I’ve read this sentence many times –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – while picking this book, and I’m still not sure what’s going on.

>> Of course, the agreement to marry has been orchestrated by their parents when they were children, but it is nonetheless real to Lady Jane.

The local wanton wife? Oh, I understand! Lady Jane’s nemesis is the local wanton wife who the Marquess wants to go to Bone Town with, and Lady Jane is mad because they are engaged. Okay.

>> But when she catches her philandering fiancé in flagrante delicto with the luscious beauty, Lady Jane is determined to take control of her own life, but not in a way readers will expect. Always creative, ever inventive, Ms. Oliver dares to go where no one else would even think of going in this fascinating, complex story in which love truly conquers all.

What do you think she does? I don’t know. But I also want to say, can you see the page of Regency romances and the cover for this book?

Amanda: A hat! We got a hat.

Sarah: Hat! There’s a hat! That’s a fine hat. That’s a hat watch. We got a real –

Amanda: Hat watch.

Sarah: It’s been a while since we, we really have not seen a good hat in a while. It only has 2.67 stars on Goodreads, though.

Amanda: Do with that what you will.

Sarah: One star.

>> This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.

All right, this review is from Ivy. It was written February 2020.

>> Sometimes it’s better to carefully sort through the cheap paperbacks when you’re at a secondhand book stall instead of just picking up everything and dumping them into the bag.

One of the tags is, okay, childhood-acquaintances-turned-love, crazy-over-the-top-messed-up, even-d-dog-hated-it, everybody-is-annoying, former-supermanwhore-hero, friends-to-lovers, fuck-this-shit, fucked-up-relatives, cunty-bitch-ow, and hero-and-heroine-are-neighbors. [Laughs] Oh my goodness!

>> I read this years ago and only remember my reaction being, Seriously?

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: Okay, this sounds like a delightful train wreck!

>> Well-written and dreary, but probably realistic Regency romance with a hero of weak intelligence and morals.

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: [Squeaks] Ooh! Oh my stars! I’m going to link to this. Okay, so maybe I need to read this train wreck? This sounds kind of promising! I love a good train wreck. It’s been a while! Let me know if you think I should read this train wreck. It won’t take me more than a couple hours.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So we have a section in this one, a new section. It’s not new, like, to the magazine, but it’s new to our program, ‘cause we don’t do this. We have Electronic Book Reviews.

Amanda: Yeah, is this the first time –

Sarah: And if –

Amanda: – we’ve seen this section?

Sarah: Yes, I think it might be the first time, or we’ve seen it in later issues, but this, I think, is maybe the earliest we’ve seen it? And this is 2000. This is, so the magazine is still early, early, early adopter, teaching the readers of the magazine how to use eBooks, which I still am astonished by. But the publishers, if you’re curious, Star Publications, newconceptspublishing.com, hardshell.com, and book-on-disc.com. So that’s what we’re dealing here, like, books on disk. What did you pick in the Electronic Book Reviews section?

Amanda: So I picked a, a serial eBook on page 111. The Lipstick Chronicles I, Men at Work by Kathryn Schaefer. It just, like, detail after detail is dropped, and I just have more questions.

>> The Lipstick Chronicles are smart and sexy, just like the women and men who inhabit their pages.

Which is interesting, because –

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: – it’s digital, so there’s not a physical page.

>> Elyssa Wentworth has no time for a man in her life. She’s tough, smart, hard-headed, and scares most of them away, and has no intention of changing.

Sarah: Girl!

Amanda: >> So when –

Sarah: I think we should have a drink with her.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> So when she meets Joe Monteigne, the only man she’s ever found irresistible, she thinks it’s a bad thing, even when she finds out he shares her attraction. Joe wants his company to invest in Elyssa’s online greeting card business.

Sarah: [Laughs] Now, that’s a business with a big future. Oh boy!

[Laughter]

Amanda: >> He’s convinced it will be highly beneficial to both of them, but doesn’t count on the aloof Elyssa being the most attractive woman he’s ever known. He knows it’s not bright to mix business with pleasure, but he’s willing to take the risk. The story clicks along at a fast pace. What detracts from this particular installment is that Elyssa’s coldness and witchiness is emphasized so much that we almost don’t like her at all. Thank goodness she softens up.

What do you mean by witchiness? Is she sell-, does she do New Age online greeting cards?

Sarah: I think that, I think that means that she has long, straight, dark hair and that she wears, like, dark clothing and red lipstick and looks like, you know, a popular portrayal of a witch. That’s my guess. But also, I’d really want to have a drink with her now.

Amanda: Yeah. I’m confused about, like, the witchiness descriptor. Does she only sell –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – Halloween greeting cards? Like, what?

Sarah: Witchiness. There’s no context for that, so it’s very out of left field.

Amanda: Yeah! That’s why I was like – [laughs] – Where did that come from?

Sarah: Look at the cost!

Amanda: It’s download in six two-dollar installments. ‘Cause it is a series, right? Yeah. So I wonder if Lipstick Chronicles I: Men at Work is this story, and then there are more stories? Or do you think this story is serialized over six chapters?

Sarah: I would interpret that, that parenthetical as meaning this story is six installments at two dollars each, which is interesting because this is twenty-six years ago. We have a series; we have a serialized story; we have, you know, paying per download. And now people are like, Oh my gosh, look at that! And it, it has been here.

We almost don’t like her at all. Actually, she sounds kind of dope. I would like to know more –

Amanda: Yeah, she sounds pretty cool.

Sarah: – about this witchiness. She’s – I know! Sounds very cool!

I picked Careless Whisper by Elaine Hopper. I’m sorry, Careless Whispers. This is unhinged, and I am so excited to share this with you. Are you ready?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Contemporary Romance Careless Whispers, Elaine Hopper, four stars, from New Concepts Publishing.

>> What happens when your nine-year-old daughter falls off her horse in a competition, hits her head, and can’t remember the previous two years of her life? For Debbye and Quinn, it means they have to be, pretend it is two years earlier before they were divorced. This means living together again.

In what world is this a therapeutic answer? Who, why? Why? Whomst decided this was a good idea?

Amanda: Oh no.

Sarah: >> The problem is –

Here’s the problem. The problem is not that this is insane as a setup and truly detrimental to the stability of your family and possibly your daughter’s recovery. No, this is the problem:

>> The problem is Quinn still doesn’t have a job and is fixed on starting his own company, on his own computer company, so Debbye thinks –

So, okay, I’m going to read that sentence again, ‘cause I got it all wrong.

>> The problem is Quinn, Quinn still doesn’t have a job and is fixated on starting his own computer company – so Debbye thinks. Meanwhile, Debbye is going to school, holding down several jobs, and is trying to keep their ancient farmhouse from falling down around their ears. She’s still resentful that Quinn only cares about his company and doesn’t seem to care about his family.

>> This book pulled me into the story from the very beginning. The characters ranged from quirky to quarrelsome. My only problem with the book was that there were too many image descriptions.

He doesn’t have a job; he’s starting a computer company, maybe; he’s hiding something. Like, what is he hiding where he – if the inverse of He doesn’t care about his family is No, secretly he always has, what is – and you have to pretend to be, still be married? In what world does this happen? I love how cruelly unhinged – this is so unhinged.

Amanda: I feel like the divorce was warranted.

Sarah: Are you kidding? Absolutely!

Amanda: Team Debbye.

Sarah: Team Debbye all the way, and I hope their daughter gets her memories back.

Amanda: What if the daughter’s faking it so her parents get back together?

Sarah: Oh my God, I bet she is. [Child voice] Oh, I hit my –

Amanda: What if that’s –

Sarah: – head. I can’t remember what – you guys have to live together; you’re still married, right? Oh my God. And she’s, how old was she?

Together: Nine.

Sarah: So they divorced when she was seven. Whoo! Damn.

So that is the reviews. What do you think?

Amanda: I mean, virile oilmen.

Sarah: Virile oilmen and gritty seals.

Amanda: I give it four virile oilmen. That’s my rating for this book.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I’m giving this issue and the books inside it four and a half Top Pick gritty seals.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Now I’m picturing Gritty –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – the Philadelphia Flyers mascot dressed as, or just holding a seal. Like, I mean to, maybe I’ll need to, like, email them and be like, Could you take this picture for me, please? Thank you!

Amanda: Also, not the first time the descriptor virile has, was used in this book. I remember skimming it, and I saw it somewhere else as well. So.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Virile is a popular word. Also, weaves a tapestry is one of their favorite ways of describing writing a book, which I find so cliché and annoying, and I don’t love it.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Like, and I used to use it, but I used to use it ‘cause I didn’t know how to articulate myself better and I was relying too much on clichés. It’s…cliché, so much cliché and so much, so much not really reviewing.

I just want to say, by the way, my eyes just fixated on this, on Michael: A Gift Of Trust by Margaret Lawrence, a romantic suspense in the Electronic Book Reviews. It says:

>> This book also has edgy foreshadowing that keeps you smiling and screaming at the heroine, true to the classic Don’t open the door, don’t go down the stairs plot. This book is a teasing pleaser.

A teasing pleaser! [Laughs]

Amanda: Awful!

Sarah: That sounds terrible.

All right, those were the reviews. Are you interested in reading any of these? I might have to read Lady Jane’s Nemesis to find out how bad it is, ‘cause people were like, this book sucks.

Amanda: Not interested in any of the ones that we talked about.

Sarah: All right. Well, that’s fine.

Amanda: Yeah. There is one that comes up in the ads and features that I perked up at –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – so you’ll have to listen to that one.

Sarah: Come back in two weeks and find out which one Amanda wants to read!

[outro]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you so much to Amanda. Yes, there is a video of this episode: you get to watch all of my facial expressions as Amanda describes the books that she picks, and you get to see her expression when I talk about things. It’s a very funny, funny experience to see as well as listen. So if you’d like to listen again and watch us make faces, please head over to our YouTube channel @SmartPodcastTrashyBooks. And if you’re there, please subscribe, and very soon Amanda and I are going to do ridiculous things on YouTube, possibly live, depending on whether our schedules align. But remember you have to appease the YouTube werewolves: like and subscribe. [Laughs]

I end every episode with a bad joke, and this week is no exception! This joke comes from JFHobbit, and when I saw it I snorted loud enough that everyone who was in the car with me demanded to hear what I was laughing about. So thank you, JFHobbit, for this incredible joke. Are you ready?

What is an army of lesbians called?

Give up? What is an army of lesbians called?

Militia Etheridge.

[Laughs] Militia Etheridge! [Sputters while still laughing] It’s so bad! I love it so much. Well, since you’ve listened to over an hour of me laughing, I think it’s time for me to bring this episode to a close. [Still laughing]

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, we’ll see you back here next week, and in the words of my favorite retired podcast Friendshipping – which if you haven’t tried is a wonderful show – thank you for listening. You’re welcome for talking!

[end of music]