631. RT Rewind: September 2015 Reviews

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Sarah Wendell: Hello and welcome to episode number 631 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, with me is Amanda, and we’re going back to September 2015. We are looking at Romantic Times from September 2015. J. R. Ward is on the cover, there’s a dog, and there’s all kinds of good stuff inside, so come with us to visit some reviews that are word salad and some other reviews that made me say more than once, Way harsh, Tai. Way harsh.

I also want to mention Wednesday, the 11th of September, 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Central, I’m going to be co-hosting a Zoom craft gathering with Agatha from the She Wore Black podcast. Bring your crafts; bring a drink; bring your comfy pants. Join us for some mayhem, probably some book recommendations. You’ll be able to ask us anything. This will be for the five- and ten-dollar-a-month Patreon tiers, and I will be sharing the Zoom link on Patreon, so remember, September 11th, 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 Central, Zoom with me and Agatha: crafts, drinking, mayhem. I hope to see you there.

And speaking of Patreon, hello, Patreon folks. Thank you so much for your support. If you would like to support the show and if you like what we do and you would like to read the entirety of these magazine issues, ‘cause they’re pretty incredible, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Monthly pledges keep us going, make sure every episode has a transcript from garlicknitter, plus you get bonus episodes, the most wonderful welcoming Discord, and you get the complete magazine each month to spend some quality time with. And there a dog on this month’s cover! Like, how do you turn down a dog? It’s a great dog. I actually, I have some secret knowledge about that dog that I will share in a bonus episode, so hey! Join the Patreon and find out all about the dog. If you are interested, head over to patreon.com/SmartBitches.

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All right, are you ready to do this? Let’s go back in time. Hop into the time machine; it’s very comfortable in there. We’re going back to September 2015. On with the podcast.

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Sarah: Before we get started, I have a little email here. We are recording on –

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: – the day that the last episode comes out. I like to get these done in advance ‘cause they’re, they’re big recordings, and they’re big edits. So I have a little email here from Alison, who says:

>> Hi, Sarah and Amanda. Just listened to the second episode and just wanted to say thank you for the lovely compliment and for such an amazing opportunity. I had so much fun and would be happy to come back any time you need a guest. Best, Alison

Aw!

Amanda: Yay!

Sarah: Yay! Alison, it was our pleasure! It was so much fun!

Amanda: It was great.

I enjoyed this issue?

Sarah: Yeah, me too.

Amanda: But I think it goes back to, I was cognizant and aware – [laughs] – during this time period…2015?

Sarah: These are books that we actively read. Like, these are books like, I read that, I read that, I wanted to read that, I remember when that came out.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yes, this is tapping into active memory as opposed to, Is his hair on fire? What is happening on this cover?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Where, where is the wind coming from? Where their hair is blowing back in all directions. Like, what is going on?

Amanda: Yeah. I liked having the, the added context of, Oh, I read this, or, I remember when this was coming out –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – or, you know, for example, spoiler: RT Dallas is covered in this one. That was my first RT!

Sarah: Yep!

Amanda: So I posted a bunch of photos in the podcast channel, which –

Sarah: I saw those!

Amanda: – happy to share – [laughs] – with…

Sarah: I’m going to put those in the show notes, particularly you looking like a complete fucking badass on the mechanical bull? Hell, yeah!

Amanda: I lasted all eight seconds! I…

Sarah: Hell, yeah!

Amanda: I’m just saying!

Sarah: Hell, yeah!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So we will get to the cover, of course, in the ads and features, but this month it is September. We’re going back nine years. September 2015: nine.

Amanda: Nine years.

Sarah: That was my math for the day; thanks very much for playing. It’s lovely to see you.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So we are doing September 2015, and our cover is J. R. Ward. It’s really quite a cover. The best part of the cover is the dog. There’s a dog; it’s great.

Amanda: They, sp-, I will spoil this, ‘cause I looked through, and I don’t think the dog is named –

Sarah: [Gasps]

Amanda: – in her interview. I didn’t see it; maybe I was skimming too fast. But yeah, I want to know what the dog’s name is, and I did not see it in, like, the photo credit; I didn’t see it mentioned in the interview. I feel like it is a crime, and if anyone ever features a photo with their pet or animal, they need to name it. Like, for example, someone posted on Slack at my other job that they were moving, or they had, like, an open room, and it’s like, Join us and so-and-so and our new cat Soup, and I politely requested, Look, I’m not moving; I don’t need a place to live –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – but I need a photo of Soup. So, and they –

Sarah: Are you kidding? Soup is a great name for a cat! And then –

Amanda: So if you talk about a pet, I need a photo, and if you show a photo of the pet, I need the name.

Sarah: So one of the channels in the podcast Discord that I love is pets-please, and we had a new person join – welcome, Agnes. Their cat is named Murderfluff. And there is a picture of Murderfluff; the name fits. It’s incr- – Murderfluff! Murderfluff and Soup need to have adventures; that’s what needs to happen right here.

Amanda: One of my friends has a cat named Princess Devastator?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And Devastator for short, and she’s great. [Laughs]

Sarah: We’ve, we haven’t named our cats. They cat with, they came with their names, although we did, like, extend Katie’s name to Lady Katherine Megatron, Princess of Tails.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So before we get started with the reviews in the September 2015 issue, I have a tiny little piece of history that I found. So there is a website called the Romantic Times Index, and it has a lot of covers and pictures of issues, but not complete issues, and –

Amanda: Oh wow!

Sarah: – they have a picture of the original Romantic Times magazine website back from 1998, and this is what it says at the top. So you know how we’ve been talking about how few books were published in the ‘80s and ‘90s and, like, that was, that was what you got, ‘cause that was all there was! So this was the history of Romantic Times. I’m not going to read the whole thing, but this is the first paragraph, and I will tell you, this is some pretentious-ass writing. Like, no one, no one was meant to read this out loud.

>> If you were to study paperback publishing in the late 1970s, you would discover that less than thirty romance novels were produced each month, and the genre barely comprised twenty-five percent of the publishing pie, with Harlequin, MacFadden, Dell Candlelight, and Avon the primary publishers. But the women’s sexual revolution and Kathryn Falk’s Romantic Times Magazine –

[Laughs] I’m sorry! [Clears throat]

>> – established in June of ’81, and her reference work How to Write a Romance and Get It Published were, were to change all of that.

And they’re going to say that romance comprises fifty percent of the total paperback market; the average romance reader spends over a hundred dollars a month on books – none of these statistics are cited, by the way. Like, I have no evidence for this. But –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – I don’t think it was thirty novels a month? I think it was supposed to be thirty novels a year. Thirty novels a month is a lot of novels. I think that was supposed to read thirty novels a year, but I can’t be sure.

Amanda: Thirty a year, I feel, still seems low, ‘cause they mention one, two, three, they mention four primary publishers –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – not including, you know, smaller ones, for example, but if there were thirty a year with four primary publishers, that means six to seven were being published a year by these publishers, and that feels still pretty low.

Sarah: You know, you’re right about that; that math does check out. I just think thirty a month? Really? That many?

Amanda: I can see, that would be more like six to seven a month from each publisher. That feels better to me, but then again –

Sarah: You know what? You know what? You’re right, because they mention Harlequin, and Harlequin publishes a lot of books every month. You are totally right about that, and I was wrong. Yes, a hundred percent. I have completely not thought of series, yeah.

Amanda: And it could be skewed, right?

Sarah: Oh, for sure.

Amanda: Yeah, it could be like Harlequin’s publishing twenty of the thirty, right –

Sarah: For sure, yeah.

Amanda: – and the other ones are two.

Sarah: But I will link to this in the show notes, because I think it’s a really interesting website that someone took the time to get Wayback Machine screen grabs of the old RT websites; alone, that is just incredible.

But we’re going to start with, you’ll never guess, Historical Romance.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You’ll never guess what the big, the big genre in the front is. It is always Historical.

Speaking of historical, I’m, I’m like, I’m like silly levels of excited that Elizabeth Hoyt has a new book coming in December. Like, I, I’m, like, so excited about this – [laughs] – and I –

Amanda: It’s part of, it’s part of a, an ongoing series, right? It’s not a –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – new book in a new series.

Sarah: It is a –

Amanda: Okay, yeah.

Sarah: – third book in a series. But what I think is so interesting is, is that in the pitch email I got that was very short, like, Hey, guess what? I know you guys are big supporters of Elizabeth Hoyt. She’s got a new book coming in December! Here’s a, here’s, you know, here’s the information. The pitch leans very heavily in the fact that it is gritty and a mystery more than it is leaning –

Amanda: Interesting.

Sarah: – on the historical romance, which I think is really smart, because historical romance is in a coma.

Amanda: Yeah, unfortunately. Like, I’m trying to think of what authors, historical romance authors that are usually on my sort of radar when they come out –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – that I actively –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Like, we have the big names, right, and I don’t actively keep up with those releases. The only two historicals that I probably follow now that are currently writing are Harper St. George –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – and Kate Bateman; really like her stuff. And Bethany Bennett has kind of been on my fringes for a while.

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: But I don’t, yeah, and I don’t, like, keep up with a lot.

Sarah: Oh, and Joanna Shupe; Joanna Shupe as well.

Amanda: Oh yeah.

Sarah: I think a lot of people expected Bridgerton to be a boost to historical, and from what I have heard from inside the publishing houses, the, the thing that Bridgerton boosted was Bridgerton.

Amanda: No, which is a little surprising.

Sarah: I was, I am surprised too!

So, historical: where are you starting?

Amanda: So lots of big names in here.

Sarah: Oh my –

Amanda: When a Scot Ties the Knot is in here. But –

Sarah: K. J. Charles, Kerrigan Byrne, Kelly Bowen.

Amanda: Yeah. Lots of – so I’m on page 33 of the PDF, and I’m, I picked Tarnished, Tempted and Tamed by Mary Brendan. This is one of the lower-reviewed ones.

Sarah: Ooh! It sure is.

Amanda: So this was two stars. It’s labeled Mild, and the setting is Regency England.

Sarah: Mild, for the record, because this sexual rubric still makes no sense:

>> May or may not include lovemaking; no explicit sex.

Have we defined lovemaking and sex? No, we have not. Just, we’ll just move right along.

Amanda: [Laughs] I think it’s like, May or may not; it’s like Schrodinger’s lovemaking.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: There could be some; there could not be some.

Sarah: Surprise!

Amanda: Who knows?

Sarah: They held hands. [Gasps]

[Laughter]

Amanda: The review is:

>> Brendan’s first in a new Regency duet keeps to an old-school, dated vibe when a near-spinster sets off on her own adventure, only to end up desperately in need of saving by a brooding, reluctant hero. The author switches between multiple points of view, often without warning, making the story difficult to follow, and the “conflict” within the romance will leave readers unsatisfied.

I thought it was very interesting that in 2015 they’re referencing old-school, dated vibe, which I feel like is a shorthand for a lot of things. And I feel like when we talk about an Old School romance or this feels Old School, there’s definite, like, people know what we mean by that? And it feels – like, obviously this is a romance magazine, right? – but it’s a very insider baseball term.

Sarah: It’s a term that we use a lot. I wonder if we were influential? [Laughs]

Amanda: I don’t – yeah! And I think new people to the genre, right, like, if you’ve been reading romance only for a year or so, if someone said someone, a book was Old School –

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: – I’m very curious what they would conjure up in their mind of what that means.

Sarah: Right! ‘Cause if you say that to me, I’m going to think big, fat historical, fuchsia, there’s a bird on the cover freaking the fuck out, somebody’s got a mullet, the shirt is unbuttoned, it’s still tucked in, there’s nipples poss- – maybe his; not hers. So do you want to read the summary?

Amanda: Sure.

Sarah: Go for it.

Amanda: The summary is:

>> When Fiona escapes her nefarious stepfather…

Sarah: Not a nefarious stepfather!

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> – and takes a job as a governess, she never expects to be a victim of a botched kidnapping. But the county’s resident duke and an undercover ex-military agent concoct a scheme to ferret out the local criminal, only Fiona winds up being taken instead! Now Luke Wolfson –

Sarah: [Snorts]

Amanda: >> – must save Fiona and then convince her to become his mistress. After he gets rid of his previous mistress.

Sarah: Oh –

Amanda: >> Only after –

Sarah: – boy.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> – Fiona’s reputation is ruined does Wolfson realize she might be marriage-worthy, but first he has to convince her that he’d make good husband material.

This guy sounds like a jerk.

Sarah: Oh my gosh! That guy sucks! You’re, you don’t have to –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – marry him, Fiona. You can just, you can just fuck off. Like, just run away. Apparently you can just –

Amanda: Like, I want you to be my mistress, but I have to get rid of my current mistress, but actually, maybe I’ll make you my wife. And it’s like, I don’t know if I want to be married to you if you’re already juggling mistresses. No, thank you!

Sarah: He’s, he’s got enough administration to deal with. He doesn’t need to add a whole other administrative person.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah, that’s just too much.

Amanda: Now, which one did you pick, Sarah?

Sarah: I picked, on PDF page 28, Luck Be a Lady by Meredith Duran, and I just want to give you a sense of the books that are just on this page. All of these books are four and a half star Top Pick. There is The Highwayman by Kerrigan Byrne, When a Scot Ties the Knot by Tessa Dare, Luck Be a Lady by Meredith Duran, The Rogue You Know by Shana Galen, and Not Always a Saint by Mary Jo Putney, and then on the previous page, the first page of the reviews is Only a Kiss by Mary Balogh, so you have a lot of, like, heavy hitters in this issue. I wanted to talk about this because, of all of the authors who have either stopped writing or paused, the one I get the most email about is Meredith Duran. A hundred percent –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – like, I, people miss her writing. And somebody on Reddit noticed that they’d, that she’d updated her website, and everyone was all a-flutter because her website was updated, and they were like – [gasps] – Maybe she’s coming back! Like, Meredith Duran, if you listen to this show, people love and miss you so much. I hope that feels good to know.

So this is, there’s also, did you notice a lot of Highlanders in the historicals? There’s so many Highlander romances. So many!

Amanda: Yeah. I mean, was it Kerrigan? Is that one a Highlander one? I know she wrote a few Highlander ones, but yeah, there’s lots of Scots, for sure.

Sarah: Lots of, lots of, lots of kilts. A lot of kilts on these covers.

So Luck Be a Lady by Meredith Duran got four and a half stars Top Pick, Hot, which, for the record, is:

>> Most romance novels fall into this category. Ranges from conventional lovemaking to explicit sex.

Again, I don’t know what that means. The review is:

>> Hot on the heels of Lady Be Good comes Catherine Everleigh’s story, and readers know they’ll be in for a fun, sexy, poignant rollercoaster ride. Well-paced, simmering with sexual tension, and peopled with memorable characters, this is a love story to be savored.

Now, that is a bunch of word salad, because your review was actually critical and explained what the problem was. This is all, like, the kind of quotes that you see on a movie poster. A fun, sexy, poignant rollercoaster ride! Like, it’s, it’s all –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – promo copy. Like, we like this book; here’s some promo copy. The summary is:

>> No one would mistake the Ice Queen, Catherine Everleigh, for being reckless. However, to save herself from a forced marriage and maintain her share in the family auction house, Catherine makes an outrageous proposal to London’s infamous crime lord Nick O’Shea, a marriage that will last only long enough to be consummated. After one night, Nick knows he wants her in his bed forever. Catherine hides her fascination with Nick, but after he rescues her from imprisonment in an asylum and allows her to auction off his fabulous collection of antiques, Catherine must find a way to prove her love.

So he rescues you, you’re great in bed, and he’s got fabulous antiques. I, I get it! I, I complete understand the attraction here.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Hundred percent.

So shall we move on to Mainstream Fiction?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: So Mainstream Fiction has a lot of low re-, low star reviews for a lot of multicultural books, and this is a –

Amanda: Yeaahh. [Laughs]

Sarah: – different set of reviewers. It’s not great; you know what I mean?

Amanda: No, it’s not.

Sarah: So I picked, on page 36, All the Difference by Leah Ferguson. This got four and a half stars.

>> Ferguson offers women’s fiction a fresh new voice with her first novel, a delightful tale about the roads we choose in life. Readers will enjoy following Molly Sullivan from one New Year’s Eve to the next, the chapters, each a different month between the bookending holidays, cleverly alternating between if she said no and if she said yes. The brilliant epilogue ties it all together perfectly. This is a unique take on a familiar plot.

Now, if you’re thinking, Oh, that sounds like Sliding Doors, Sliding Doors came out in 1998, but I think there’s been a, a bunch of what-if-you-did, what-if-you-didn’t dual timeline stories since then. So the summary is:

>> It’s New Year’s Eve, and Molly Sullivan just found out she’s pregnant. When her self-centered boyfriend proposes, Molly has a choice to make. Accepting his proposal means financial security, but it might go against her personal values. Turning him down means choosing single motherhood and all its struggles.

Uh, spoiler: Those are not your only options.

>> She’s always believed the way you take the road is more important than the road you take. Will she change her mind by next New Year’s Eve?

That’s a lot of book hinging on one choice, right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Sounds like she pulled it off, though. Sounds like Leah Ferguson pulled it off.

What book did you select?

Amanda: So I’m on 38 of the PDF, and I picked The Art of Crash Landing by Melissa DeCarlo, which got three stars. Sometimes when I read a review there’s a descriptor that really jumps out at me? [Laughs] And I’m like, What?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: So I’ll read it, and I feel like the, the adjective in question is obvious.

Sarah: Uh-huh!

Amanda: So the review is:

>> In her debut novel, DeCarlo takes the reader on a sometimes disjointed journey through the eyes of her quirky, sarcastic, thirty-year-old protagonist.

Sarah: Oh, okay, yeah, sure.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> Mattie seems more adolescent than adult and not that likable for the majority of the book and shifts somewhat confusingly between present and past accounts of events. The strength of the story lies in the stunning secrets Mattie must uncover, her sassy comebacks, and the crusty but oddly endearing supporting cast.

Sarah: Crusty! [Laughs]

Amanda: It’s got a crusty cast, everybody! So the summary – and I read it to be, like, What? Who’s crusty? And after reading the, the summary, I still don’t know? So – [laughs] – the summary is:

>> Mattie Wallace has a history of screw-ups. It’s possibly genetic. So when she finds herself broke, homeless, and knocked up, an inheritance from an unknown grandmother seems to come at the perfect time. Arriving in her mother’s hometown, Mattie quickly discovers that the damaged woman she called Mom was not the carefree girl who mysteriously disappeared from this Oklahoma town thirty-five years ago. Can she unearth the secret that pushed her mother off course in time to stop her own crash landing?

Sarah: Ooh.

Amanda: Who’s crusty?

Sarah: I need to know!

Amanda: …crusty cast?

Sarah: This is like rule number two. Rule number one, if you’re putting a dog on the cover, we need to know the dog’s name. Rule number two –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – if you’re going to call somebody crusty in a review, we need to know why they’re crusty and who they are.

Amanda: Yeah, who’s the crusty person?

Sarah: You need to elaborate on that crustiness.

Amanda: Is it the unknown grandmother? I’m assuming she’s dead, ‘cause there’s an inheritance.

Sarah: Right? I also noticed –

Amanda: Yeah, I don’t know.

Sarah: – that inside Mainstream Fiction, all of the books that are multicultural get a little flag that says, you know, Multicultural above the title, and the others do not have one? And that’s very telling of where we are in the way we talk about books that aren’t white.

Amanda: God forbid you pick up a book and there’s Black people in it.

Sarah: Ah! How, what, what would we do?!

Amanda: Geeze Louise.

Sarah: So, moving on to Teen Scene.

Amanda: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: Did you, did you notice, did you notice the high degree of rrromantasy in this section from ten years ago?

Amanda: This, this was when, like, YA dystopian and YA, like, urban fantasy, like normal girl gets involved with fantasy nonsense, was popping off.

Sarah: Ohhh yeah. Normal girl goes to Weird Land –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and it’s dangerous, and somebody wants to kill her.

A History of Glitter and Blood on page 44?

Amanda: I read this one, and it’s fucked up.

Sarah: Oh.

Amanda: It is a fucked up book.

Sarah: This review makes it sound fucked up.

Amanda: It is. [Laughs]

Sarah: Two stars.

>> Disjointed, uncomfortable, and confusing are all words that describe the experience of trying to read this novel.

Ouch! It’s way harsh, Tai.

>> The author leaves out –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> – a lot of pertinent information, making the readers feel as if they missed a chapter or two. This one is tough to finish.

And then the summary is:

>> Beckan and her friends –

Beckan? Beck-, Beckan! B-E-C-K-A-N, Beckan! All right.

>> Beckan and her friends are one of the few fairy clans left in Ferrum after war breaks out. Although a cease fire seems on the horizon, tension remains between the fairies, gnomes, and mysterious tightropers. Beckan and her friends are forced into hiding and faced with new challenges. As danger looms, Beckan must choose between her desire for peace, her loyalty to her friends, and an unexpected love.

That, that sounds intense! Do you remember this book?

Amanda: It is. Yeah! I, I wonder if I still have it on my shelf. I might have put it in a Little Free Library. Yeah, I read it a long time ago. The opening is very dark, and it’s pretty graphic and gross. Yeah, I remember – [laughs] – this. It definitely leans into fairies aren’t just beautiful people; like, they’re kind of scary and terrible, and they, like, kidnap children and stuff like that. It really leans heavily into that aspect of, like, fairy mythology? I remember it, reading it and being like, Wow, this is very dark.

Sarah: [Laughs] Yeah, fairies fuck shit up.

So what is your pick for Teen Scene?

Amanda: So mine is right under the History of Glitter and Blood review on forty-, page 44, and it’s Cut Both Ways by Carrie Mesrobian, and it got two stars.

Sarah: Ohhh boy.

Amanda: I know! [Laughs] So the review is:

>> In some ways, Cut Both Ways is an important novel, as bisexual protagonists are a rarity in YA, despite the fact that there is much to be said regarding sexual development during one’s teenage years. Unfortunately, while it is significant that this novel offers a frank portrayal of a young man dealing with his sexuality, this is a difficult novel to enjoy. Most frustratingly, Will is a self-centered jerk.

Sarah: Ee!

Amanda: >> Additionally, there is a difficult-to-empathize-with cheating plotline, a lack of discussion regarding STD prevention, and an unsatisfying ending.

Sarah: Ouch! Way harsh, Tai. Way harsh. Wow.

Amanda: And the summary is:

>> The summer before his senior year in high school, Will has his first kiss with his very male friend Angus.

Sarah: Very male!

Amanda: >> Will –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: The very male friend Angus.

Sarah: You know, this whole…

Amanda: A very male Angus.

Sarah: [Laughs] Some of these guys are, are only mildly male! But this one –

Amanda: Maybe Angus is also a Highlander! We don’t know!

Sarah: Wait, wasn’t there full frontal snogging involving an Angus?

Amanda: Angus is the cat!

Sarah: Ohhh. Well, we’re not snogging the cat; they have bad breath.

Amanda: I think Angus was the cat. I’ll have to google.

Sarah: Angus –

Amanda: I’m pretty sure –

Sarah: – Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging is the name of that book, right?

Amanda: Yeah. Angus was her pet cat –

Sarah: …Sorry.

Amanda: – I’m pretty sure.

Sarah: Very male friend! [Laughs]

Amanda: Very male friend Angus.

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: >> Will, however, does not identify as being gay. As the year goes on, however –

So many howevers.

>> – Will is increasingly torn between Angus and his new girlfriend Brandy. Will’s mother has moved on from him, living with his stepfather and half-sisters in their perfect house in the suburbs, and his father has started drinking again. Will must decide where he fits into all of the madness that surrounds him.

I mean, this is very interesting in sort of the society we are living in now in terms of content that is being allowed in books and that’s being allowed in schools? I, this is difficult in that I didn’t get a sex ed course in middle school or high school. We didn’t have that at all. It wasn’t –

Sarah: You were in Florida, right?

Amanda: I was in Florida, and it wasn’t even in, like, The best way to prevent, you know, pregnancy is abstinence! It wasn’t even an abstinence-only education; it was no education; it was nothing. So I do agree with the review that if kids like me who aren’t getting this education, but might find this book in a library and have access to it, and that also doesn’t seem to really delve into sex ed, that is a bit of a disservice, but also, I don’t know if we should be putting sex ed on authors when it shouldn’t be their responsibility to teach kids sexual education, right? So I’m of two minds on this issue.

Sarah: Yeaahh. I also think that the language surrounding bisexuality in this review is very indicative of the language around bisexuality at the time. Like, it immediately says that he doesn’t identify as gay, and I’m like, But you just said that he is bisexual. That’s a legitimate thing! People! Like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – even, even at this point, you know, nine years ago, the language around bisexuality was still, But you don’t fit one of these two other things, so what are you?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Like, it’s, it’s very of-its-time where it’s like, Ooh! Queerness is happening! Gay, gay books are happening! Lesbian books are happening! But bisexuals, that’s just weird. We’re not going to – you, you, just make, make your pick. And it’s like, that’s really old concepts for bisexuality.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So shall we move on to Inspirational, speaking of lots and lots of gay sex? Not in here.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: None, none here!

Amanda: Funny you should say that, ‘cause there’s a future review that –

Sarah: Oh! Oh yeah.

Amanda: – can’t wait to discuss.

Sarah: Oh yes, there is!

So I – [laughs] – I picked, on page 52, the one-star reviews. One-star review: I found it. So first of all, before we get there, I want to draw your attention to page 47 of the PDF. There is a –

Amanda: Hat.

Sarah: – fine hat.

Amanda: Hat watch. We’re back on!

Sarah: It’s gorgeous. It, there’s a parasol and a hat, and there’s ruffles and feathers and, like, her hair’s over a – hat. Really good –

Amanda: Good hat shot.

Sarah: Really great hat. If anything, inspirational romance is going to deliver us great hats. But here is the one star.

Amanda: We’re, we don’t see, I want some hats on some historicals! Like, you can still have your, you know, bazongas out, sure –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – but put a hat – give us a nice big hat!

Sarah: [Laughs] Bazongas! Yeah, I mean, hats were a whole aspect to rich people culture then and now. Like, more, more, more millinery! Give me, give me the good hats!

Amanda: Yeah, like the Portlandia, put a bird on it? Like –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – put a hat on it!

Sarah: Put a hat on it! Get some hats. Lea-, you can, there’s a whole song about this! If you’re worried about going to Bone Town, there’s a whole song about how you can leave your hat on!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Just, it’s fine! We want more hats. I’m going to start emailing people, Hey, this genre that no one’s buying? Put hats on it. Promise you, it’ll be great.

Amanda: [Laughs] That’ll fix all your problems!

Sarah: So insp-, Inspirational, one star for Promises Kept by Scarlett Dunn. All right, get ready. This is going to be up your street.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> Occasional cursing, rampant sexual innuendo, and an unlikable hero will stop typical inspirational readers of this novel nearly before they start!

Amanda: I need all three of those.

Sarah: Right?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Amanda’s like, And one-click buy.

>> Debuting both the author and the series, the book is light on spiritual inspiration and heavy on demeaning come-ons!

You still on board?

>> The hero’s thoughts are often –

Amanda: I’m sorry; she doesn’t like rampant sexual innuendo but uses the phrase demeaning come-ons –

Sarah: Apparent-

Amanda: – in her review?

Sarah: >> The hero’s thoughts are often lewd, and the majority of his actions show a lack of respect for the heroine. The remaining characters and the plot are clichéd at best.

Okay. So here’s the summary. You’re kind of wondering, like, Is this guy, like, is he some sort of the town bad guy? Is he a highwayman?

>> Victoria Eastman, a young woman raising two boys, advertises for a husband in a gentleman’s newspaper and accepts the offer of a man in Promise, Wyoming. When she travels there to meet him, she’s too late. He’s just been killed by a man who wants his land and will stop at nothing to get it. But no one was counting on what Victoria’s would-be fiancé had arranged before his death! A surprise that would keep her in Promise with hunky rancher Colt McBride as her neighbor, protector, and maybe more.

So, wait. [Laughs] So she advertises for a husband, she accepts the offer of a guy, she gets there, and he’s dead. But he’s arranged –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – something for her to stay in Promise with Colt McBride, who we presume is cursing, unlikable, and has demeaning come-ons, and his thoughts are lewd.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Now, I also want to point something out. This was published by Zebra. Do they publish –

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: – inspirationals?

Amanda: Why did this get put in Inspirational? I feel like they don’t!

Sarah: Yeah, we are now fur-, furiously googling.

Amanda: We, we’ve reached the point of the show where we google.

Sarah: Like, what the fuck? I didn’t notice that when I, when I flagged the review. But it’s from Zebra!

Amanda: Yeah, I’m curious how it’s – like, when someone submits a book, is it –

Sarah: The publisher probably de- – so here’s, here’s something interesting: in bestsellers rank it’s fifteen thousand, eight hundred something in clean and wholesome romance – I dislike the use of the word clean – twenty thousandth in Western and frontier, and twenty-two sou-, ranked twenty-two thousand in Christian romance. So this is clearly tagged as Christian inspirational, clean and wholesome, which means there’s no shtupping inside, but, like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – this is an interesting choice for this section, and I’m questioning a lot of things. Lot of things.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Weird one, right?

Amanda: Yeah, that is a weird one.

Sarah: What did you pick?

Amanda: You know, like, I skim the titles or whatever, and sometimes –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – I’ll go based on a title, and I was really mad at myself that my brain skipped an important part of the title.

Sarah: [Snorts]

Amanda: Because when I saw this title, I thought it was The Most Famous Illegal Goose Parade.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And I was like, I need to know more about this illegal goose parade!

Sarah: How do you get geese to parade? They’ll fuck you up!

Amanda: I know! That’s what –

Sarah: Geese are here to –

Amanda: – I wanted to know!

Sarah: – ruin your day! Like, that’s their job!

Amanda: But instead it’s The Most Famous Illegal Goose Creek Parade.

Sarah: Of course.

Amanda: So. I, you know, my face fell pretty fast when I rea- –

Sarah: And Goose Creek is a place in South Carolina; I’m assuming that’s where this takes place. ‘Cause I have a bunch of friends from college who were from Goose Creek.

Amanda: It doesn’t mention South Carolina, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what they’re talking about. So I’m on page 49, The Most Famous Illegal Goose Creek Parade by Virginia Smith, and it has four and a half stars. The review is:

>> This book is so much fun to read! The entertaining characters make one laugh out loud because of their antics, but also touch a spot in one’s heart. If the others in the series are anything like this installment, they are sure to be hits.

That’s kind of a nothing burger – [laughs] – review.

Sarah: The entertaining characters make one laugh out loud because of their antics, but also touch a spot –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – in one’s heart. That’s awkward, and also, I don’t believe you.

Amanda: And then the summary is:

>> Al and Millie Richardson have lived in Goose Creek their entire lives, but Al is looking forward to retirement and the day he can get behind the wheel of an RV. Millie, however, has other plans. When the Updike home becomes available, Millie feels her prayers have been answered. Opening a bed and breakfast in Goose Creek is exactly what she and the town need. Goose Creek is changing! A new veterinarian receives a less than lukewarm welcome. Also, who knew that painting the town’s water tower would lead to such an uproar? Sides are being chosen, and it all culminates in an illegal parade. What could possibly happen next?

I feel like the description is also weird, because there’s, like, a distinct switch. Like, we’re talking about Al and Millie, who clearly have different views of retirement and what they want to do for the rest of their lives –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – and then it’s like, Goose Creek is changing! Now there’s a new veterinarian, and people are painting the water tower, and now there’s an illegal parade! Like, why do we care about the new veterinarian? It’s weird. And I’m sad that there’s not, like, a parade of geese.

Sarah: The, if there’s going to be an illegal parade, involve some geese; it’ll make it interesting, right?

Amanda: [Laughs] Yes!

Sarah: So moving on to Mystery/Suspense/Thriller. What did you pick?

Amanda: Yes. So I didn’t pick this one because it was funny or bad or whatever. I thought it was very interesting because we’re on page 52 of the PDF. No, 54. [Laughs] Sorry! I’m all over the place. We’re on 54. It is for Ruth Ware’s In a Dark, Dark Wood, and Ruth Ware, if you’re a mystery reader or maybe plugged into books, Ruth Ware is a big fucking deal now in mystery and thriller. So I thought it was interesting, and it got four and a half stars, it’s a Top Pick, and the auth-, or the review is:

>> Ware’s debut novel sets the stage for her to become a household name.

Sarah: Story checks out!

Amanda: >> The glass house –

Sarah: They were right!

Amanda: I know!

>> The glass house set in the middle of the forest is the perfect setting for this book full of secrets and lies, where everyone is hiding something and a rock thrown will shatter the façade of friendship. Engaging, suspenseful, and mysterious, In a Dark, Dark Wood is like Pretty Little Liars all grown up.

And I’m like, Holy shit! This interview, or this reviewer got it! Like, Ruth Ware is now a household name, but I thought it was so funny to see that her – I didn’t know this was her debut novel, but her debut novel was reviewed and her talent was clocked, like, right out of the gate.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: I thought that was very interesting, knowing what Ruth Ware is, has become now.

Sarah: That’s kind of cool, and it’s fun to see the first book from someone who later becomes a, in fact, a household name. Elyse reviewed one of her big books, The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware; gave it an A, and that came out in August of 2016, so a year later she had an absolutely massive book that was, I think, made into a Netflix movie or series, one of the others.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I think I remember asking her what the spoiler was. So I’ll give you a little – [laughs] – behind-the-scenes: Elyse likes to read creepy-ass shit, and I cannot read creepy-ass shit, but I edit all the reviews, so if I edit a review of hers I’ll be like, Okay, okay, okay, and then I’ll message her and be like, All right, so what happened? What was the secret? Tell me the twist.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Tell, spoil the whole fucking thing for me; please tell me what happened. What, what, was there a woman in cabin 10? Please tell me. It’s, it’s the greatest thing. Like, I get to find out the story without having to scare the poodle out of myself.

[Laughter]

Sarah: It’s terrible, but it’s a wonderful thing!

Amanda: You consume it through the, the Elyse filter.

Sarah: Yes! It’s like watching violent movies as GIF sets on Tumblr.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Which I also do. I know a lot about Game of Thrones for a show that I have never watched.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So my pick is a historical mystery by Elsa Hart called Jade Dragon Mountain. It got four and a half stars Top Pick, and it is in Kin-, in Kindle Unlimited, so it is now on my Kindle.

>> This is an unbelievable first historical mystery. I can only hope it is the beginning of an ongoing new series. The writing is lyrically beautiful. Intricate plotting leads to an ending that is perfect and surprising. The history is fascinating and reveals the world, its atmosphere, and the culture of a relatively unknown Chinese period. Li Du is an ench-, is an enchanting character, and his partner in solving the mystery, Hamza, adds irresistible charm.

So here’s the summary, speaking of unique books:

>> Set in 1708 on the border between China and Tibet, Li Du had been an imperial librarian until he was sent into exile by the emperor. He has roamed China since, and now he has arrived on the border of Tibet. To his dismay, he finds his cousin the magistrate and the emperor are coming to command an eclipse of the sun. Then an elderly Jesuit astronomer who has come for the ceremony is murdered. The magistrate is frantic to clear up any possible scandal before the emperor comes and commands Li Du to find the murderer. In a city on edge, rumors fly and intrigue grows.

This sounds super cool! I’m so excited! And it’s in Kindle Unlimited. Will link to it. I just think that’s, I love when I discover a book. Like, I –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – missed this when it came out. I had no idea, and I am so curious. Like, this looks really fun.

Moving on to Sci-fi and Fantasy, another book that I remember coming out was, my, my pick is Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho, four and a half star Top Pick. And –

Amanda: It’s a good one.

Sarah: It is such a good book, and the thing I remember the most is something that happens later in the book where Zacharias finally meets up with Prunella, and he’s like, Oh, we need, we need, we need blood for this magic! And she’s like, That’s not a problem! And it takes him like –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – a really long moment before he’s like, Ohhh. Blood is forbidden! How can you do this? And she’s like, I have a regular supply. Don’t even worry about it –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – you bonehead. So this is the review:

>> Cho weaves drama and humor together seamlessly in this tale of a magic-drenched Napoleonic-era Britain. Zacharias is an endearingly resolute figure, but it is Prunella who takes center stage. Zacharias may have vision, but bold Prunella has drive and an endearing ruthlessness. Cho’s comic Jazz-age romance, The Perilous Life of Jade Yeo, proved Cho as a talented author. Her fantasy collection, Spirits Abroad, revealed that she was also a skilled fantasist. Sorcerer to the Crown establishes Cho as a superior novelist of note.

They liked this book. They liked it –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – quite a bit. So the summary:

>> Zacharias Wythe, Sorcerer Royal, is a man with power over, but no respect from, his fellow mages in the United Kingdom’s Royal Society of Unnatural Philosophers. In part, this is because he is unusually young for the position, but it is more because the prejudice of Georgian Britain prevent the English mages from accepting any so overtly from –

Wait.

>> – accepting any so overtly African-featured man as one of their own, combined with the widespread suspicion that Zacharias won the Sorcerer Royal’s staff by murdering the previous Sorcerer Royal, Sir Stephen Wythe –

That’s a very clumsy sentence.

>> – Zacharias’s own mentor. Nevertheless, Zacharias must wrestle with the thorny problem of England’s dwindling magical resources. Orphan Prunella Gentlewoman’s Indian ancestry and her sex mark her as eternally subordinate, or so those around her kid themselves. In a society where magic is off limits to gentlewomen, Prunella is a gifted but unacknowledged mage. Zacharias is one of the few who is able to accept Prunella’s potential. Together they can form, they can transform British sorcery.

This was, in fact, a very good book.

Amanda: It was a very good book. Yeah.

Sarah: Is, is Zen Cho writing – am I have this in my head correctly that they’re writing contemporary now?

Amanda: Yeah, they just came out with a new –

Sarah: The Friend Zone, right? With the cool, with the cool cover!

Amanda: The Friend, yeah, The Friend Zone Experiment, or something like that. Yeah. That’s their newest one.

Sarah: That’s awesome.

Amanda: Yeah, a lot like – I don’t think I’ve read a bad thing by, by Zen Cho. I, I think the most recent one I read was Black Water Sister, which was, like, pretty gritty, but very good.

Sarah: Awesome. So what was your pick?

Amanda: Yeah. So I picked a Cat Valente book, Catherynne M. Valente book. It’s on page 61. It’s called Speak Easy, and it’s a fantasy novella, and it’s so interesting because – I just looked at the price tag: forty dollars, geeze Louise! For a novella, but it’s by Subterranean, who does very beautiful special editions? I think Subterranean Press also does the Ilona Andrews, like, Clean Sweep, like, magical inn. They’ve done some really gorgeous editions, so.

Sarah: Oh yeah, they, they commission –

Amanda: But anyway, I –

Sarah: – they commission art for some of their books. The art that they commissioned –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – for their, their editions of Murderbot was incredible.

Amanda: So Cat Valente, they did, or she did space opera, but she has written one of my very favorite books called Deathless. It’s so beautiful and, like, evocative, and it’s a giant allegory for, I believe, the Siege of Leningrad. It’s just such a good book. And I have some of her other novellas that I’ve really, really liked, and she does really cool stuff with retellings –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – most notably – what is it? Buh-buh-buh. Cat Valen- – I’m googling again, ‘cause my books are packed up – Comfort Me with Apples, and that is the, it’s a novella, and it’s a retelling or a giant allegory, and I’m not going to spoil what it is for. But it is beautiful and shocking, and I just can’t praise Cat Valente enough. Like, seriously, the, the retellings that she thinks of are just so good. But I did not, I’ve never heard of this one. I’ve never read this one, so I was –

Sarah: Isn’t that fun?

Amanda: – surprised to see it. And it sounds good! Yeah. So it’s got four and a half stars –

Sarah: It’s so fun when the magazine gives us a good book to read. I love that.

Amanda: I know! So the review is:

>> Valente’s Prohibition-era spin on the classic story of The Twelve Dancing Princesses is thoroughly eerie and enchanting. She knocks it out of the park on both style and substance, pairing an evocative rapid-fire narrator, narrative patter perfectly suited to the 1920s backdrop with the dreamy surrou-, sur- –

Wow.

>> – surreality?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: That’s a tough word.

Sarah: It is a…

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> – of the Artemisia Hotel. This fresh fairytale gets under your skin quicker than Zelda Fair’s black mark-, black market booze.

And the summary is:

>> It’s 1924, and there’s a seductive and strange Manhattan hotel that runs all the way through the world. On 72nd Street, all manner of jazz musicians, show girls, actors, ball players, writers, and some less-than-savory folk call the glamorous Artemisia home. In a, egnic –

Oh my gosh! These words are tripping me up today!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> Enigmatic immortal Al runs the show, and he’s got plenty of players to choose from. Up in room 1550, Zelda Fair is searching for her true talent, her goods, but what she ends up finding is a mysterious door that takes her straight down to Artemisia’s dark underworld. Hot on her heels is Frankie Key, a bellhop who’s got a passion for writing dime store crime novels, when he isn’t pining for Zelda, that is.

Sarah: Check out the cover for this book. It is nifty.

Amanda: That’s beautiful. I wouldn’t be surprised if the special edition, like, it’s a cut-out cover?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: And you open it and it reveals the full image?

Sarah: Yeah. The cover is a – you think that’s brass? It’s a big brass keyhole, like a close-up of a keyhole, and then inside there’s a very ‘20s style illustration of a person with short hair smoking a cigarette and blowing out smoke with a, is that a bird behind them? I think it’s a pelican behind them. And then below, there’s somebody in a bellhop’s uniform who’s holding something on a tray, but it’s very sort of abstract, and there’s a lot of tiny little details, like there’s elevator buttons in the background. It’s gorgeous. It’s a beautiful cover. And it’s $2.99 for Kindle if you want to read it!

Amanda: Yeah, I saw that! I was like, That’s not a bad price, considering the actual print version is out of print and you’d have to pay like fifty dollars.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah, if you see this in a used bookstore, you can do some arbitrage. [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah, but Subterranean Press –

Sarah: Gorgeous stuff.

Amanda: – produces some beautiful books.

Sarah: So heading into Romantic Suspense, I picked Lora Leigh’s Wicked Lies, mostly because I wanted to read these names out loud. Four stars. You will be very surprised that this is Hot, and yet this is a Lora Leigh book, and there is still a level above Hot called Scorcher.

>> Borders on erotic. Very graphic sex.

I have some questions, ‘cause Lora Leigh I would just drop in the Scorcher and call it a day.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So here’s the review:

>> Leigh lives up to her reputation for writing raw, passionate scenes that have readers blushing and fanning their faces. The rugged hero and the smart and mysterious beauty have a dynamic that keeps the pages turning at a fast rate. The Men of Summer series continues to captivate.

All right, that was a big nothing burger. Also, I feel like there are some phrases we should take away from the reviewers? Turning the pages, a sigh, laugh out loud; like, we, we need to take these phrases away; they’re being overused.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So here we go: these, these are the things I wanted to read, ‘cause I’m just so, I’m so amused here.

>> Rough and ready ex-Navy-SEAL Jazz Lancing –

[Laughs] Jazz Lancing!

Amanda: So when we adopted Toast, his name, his shelter name was Sam, and we were thinking of names in the car, and Brian, Brian’s idea was Jazz, after, I think there’s a Brandon Sanderson character that Brian likes, and I’m like, There’s no way in hell we’re naming this cat Jazz.

Sarah: [Laughs] What about –

Amanda: Sorry.

Sarah: – Jazz Lancing?

Amanda: No. No Jazz, no Jazz Lancing, and then we settled on Toast, and every so often I go to Brian and was like, Can you believe you wanted to name this sweet little cat Jazz? And Brian’s like, I don’t want to talk about it.

Sarah: [Snorts] So we have:

>> Rough and ready ex-Navy-SEAL Jazz Lancing has a reputation for being able to have any woman he wants, except for one.

Aw, poor little Jazz.

>> Annie, the naïve school teacher –

There’s always a naïve character, always.

>> – spurns him because she’s keeping a secret more important than her sexual temptation. Although Jazz knows Annie’s not who she claims to be, he still wants to trust her. Unbeknownst to him, Annie has craved him for years, longing for him to save her from her demons! Sharing her secret with Jazz could put them both in danger, and it’s a chance she isn’t sure she wants to take.

Okay, this doesn’t tell me a lot, but I’m guessing they go to Bone Town. Like, that’s, it’s a Lora Leigh novel.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: They’re going to go to Bone Town!

Amanda: Is Lora Leigh the one who also writes the shifters that do the knotting?

Sarah: I believe so? But I will –

Amanda: Okay. I just wanted to make sure, ‘cause that’s my context for Lora Leigh, ‘cause I’ve read some of those books. [Laughs] Like –

Sarah: Yeah, she has barbs as well as knotting.

Amanda: Yeah, okay! I was just checking.

Sarah: What was that – the world was called the Breeds. The world was –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – the Breeds.

Amanda: That’s what it is. [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah, there was some knotting. Lot of knotting and – yeah. Mm-hmm!

Amanda: Yeah, okay!

Sarah: And you know someone’s going to be like, Oh my God, I’ve just discovered this hot new thing! Do you know about knotting? And we’re all going to be like, Yeah. Yeah, yep, been there.

Amanda: Yeah, we –

Sarah: Been there!

Amanda: We’ve known about knotting, yeah.

Sarah: It’s, it’s been known.

So, what is your pick?

Amanda: So I picked, on page 66 of the PDF, Forsaken by Lisa Renee Jones.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: This is four stars, and this is Scorcher.

Sarah: How –

Amanda: And I picked this – [laughs] – because –

Sarah: How? Okay.

Amanda: I think it’s because the review references things that I don’t understand.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: I feel like when you do a review, oftentimes that’s going to be the person’s first barrier to entry for the book?

Sarah: Fair.

Amanda: And so they’re referencing people and things that I don’t know who they are, and so I feel like the review is bad because of that, ‘cause then you have to go and read the summary to then give context for the review, which is weird because when we write a review on the site – obviously we have more space to write –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – we don’t give you a little summary, like, we don’t drop a little book summary in to give you context; we have to add it in through the review.

Sarah: Yes, unless it’s a Lightning Review, in which case the cover copy populates; most of the time –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – we’re writing the summary, and that’s, honestly, it’s often the hardest part.

Amanda: Yeah. And it’s either like a, we try to do it in like a few sentences, but –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – some, some books are convoluted. So – [laughs] – the review is:

>> The first-person narrative told from Chad’s point of view gives a glimpse at the day his family was torn apart by the greedy men involved with the Consortium, then jumps ahead to his current captivity, escape, and plan to get his sister. Chad is a hardened man, determined to keep the mysterious energy cylinder away from Sheridan, which provides suspenseful elements, yet despite being betrayed by a woman once before, he eventually falls for Gia, which leads to romance. Both elements are riveting and well-done, but at times the plot seems to be weighed down by too many secrets coiling into one big ball of suspicion.

I don’t know who the Consortium is; I don’t know who the fuck Sheridan is; I don’t know what this mysterious energy cylinder is either! This review is bad!

Sarah: This, this energy cylinder – you think it’s a dildo?

Amanda: Wow, that’s powerful. That’s a powerful instrument, if so. [Laughs]

Sarah: I, I want to hear in the future that you’ve unpacked all of your sex toys and named one The Energy Cylinder.

Amanda: Or if I reference, Oh, I unpacked my energy cylinders, then you know what I’m talking about.

Sarah: Or it’s cans of Red Bull? Either way! Not to be used as sex toys, by the way. [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah, it’s just like it references things that I have no context for?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: And also feels very summary-esque. Like –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – he escapes!

Sarah: This isn’t a review; this is a book report.

Amanda: And his sister is kidnapped, apparently –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – but then he falls in love with a woman named Gia. I mean, I would hope so, ‘cause this is a romantic suspense –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – book, so there is love-falling, but – yeah, but then in the summary, Amy Bensen’s brother Chad – but who’s Amy Bensen? Why do we care about Amy?

Sarah: Who’s Amy?

Amanda: I guess, I guess she gets kidnapped? Anyway –

>> Amy Bensen’s brother Chad thought he had a plan to sever ties with Sheridan Scott without turning over the valuable cylinder he was hired to find, but everything changed when his family was killed in an explosion that left his sister on the run.

Sarah: Everything changes when the Fire Nation attacks.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> He’s been trying to keep her safe ever since, which includes keeping silent when captured by Sheridan’s men. When he’s rescued by Gia Hudson, trust seems out of the question until necessity forces them to work together. Gia has plenty of secrets, yet lack of trust doesn’t stop her from falling for Chad. When he locates Amy and her fiancé Liam, they create a plan to protect the cylinder and end the game.

Sarah: So they got a MacGuffin and Chad. Chad’s MacGuffin.

Amanda: I, I think we all have a list of names that we can’t consider for romantic interests, and for me, Chad is one of them.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I grew up – look, you know, dangling chads. That’s all I’m going to say. I can’t –

Sarah: In Florida for the dangling chads.

Amanda: In Florida, so the dangling chads were very prominent, and I don’t want to see that word ever again in my life!

Sarah: Hanging chads – oh, I remember that. That was not a good time.

Amanda: No. [Laughs]

Sarah: So I skipped Contemporary because none of these books really did anything for me? Like –

Amanda: Fair.

Sarah: What was your pick?

Amanda: I, I picked this one ‘cause I thought it was interesting. It’s on 77 of the PDF, and it’s Lead Me Not by Ann Gallagher.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: And the review is whatever. You know, the review, the summary is whatever. I just want to comment that the first line of the review mentions that this is a Christian male/male romance that contains a lot of Bible talk. And so it’s very clearly inspirational, front and center. Why wasn’t this in the Inspirational category? Would those inspirational people have had a conniption because there’s a gay book in their Inspirational category, and that’s why they put it in Contemporary?

Sarah: The summary’s making my stomach hurt. There’s a lot of questions here.

Amanda: [Laughs] But yeah, I thought it was interesting that this is clearly labeled –

Sarah: This is Christian male/male romance; why is this in Contemporary? Is this where the publisher submitted it? Like, was the publisher submitting these into, into categories, or does – I don’t think the magazine decides. I think the publishers are like, These are our contemporaries; here you go.

Amanda: Yeah, I don’t know! It’s hard to know, like, okay, they labeled it here. I wouldn’t be surprised if certain inspirational readers would not look kindly at queer inspirational romance.

Sarah: Yes. And also, at this time period, there was a very big divide between male/male romance and the rest of romance. This was, this was – [deep breath] – this was not a great time period for that, those two communities. The, the first line of the summary?

>> Isaac Morris’s sister wants to make a documentary about homosexuality to prove her point that it’s a choice. Isaac chooses to be gay as an example for his nephew, who is just discovering who he is, but Isaac gets bullied and beat up. Thankfully, Colton Roberts, the kindhearted bartender, saves Isaac and wants nothing more than to just care for him. Colton, a devout Christian, was abandoned by his own parents because of his sexual preference –

Again, preference?

>> – and he teaches Isaac to be strong and explains the scriptures in order to restore his faith. In the process, Isaac finds himself falling for Colton. Will he let love win and follow his heart, or walk away?

That’s an inspirational romance; that seems like it’s going to have a very high Jesus-by-volume.

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah, the review makes it clear that there’s Bible verses in this book. Like – [laughs]

Sarah: So shall we move into Paranormal and Urban Fantasy, which is somehow different from other things?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Okay. Paranormal and Urban Fantasy. This was the month that Archangel’s Enigma came out. We’ve got Jacquelyn Frank and Sherrilyn Kenyon and Nalini Singh.

Amanda: So I picked Even Vampires Get the Blues on page 82.

Sarah: Sandra Hill!

Amanda: And I had to!

Sarah: Sandra Hill!

Amanda: I, I had to. It is Sandra Hill –

Sarah: Sandra Hill!

Amanda: – it is three stars; it’s Hot. And this is the Vampire Viking Angel series, and I just had to.

Sarah: The Vivangels! Yes! You, you just – look, every – we get to have Sandra Hill, and that is why romance is wonderful.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Just read all of it; it’s amazing; I love everything about it.

Amanda: So the review is:

>> Sixth in the Deadly Angels series, Even Vampires Get the Blues is entertaining, solid, and consistent in its storytelling. Fans of the Vampire Viking Angel series will be pleased. However, the formula of same story, different characters –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – can wear thin this far into the series.

Sarah: Wrong!

Amanda: >> Still sexy –

I know!

[Laughter]

Amanda: >> Still sexy, still rough and rugged manly men, still fighting the evil Lucipires and keeping the beautiful humans safe. This one can be comforting even in its predictability.

[Laughs] And the summary:

>> Harek Sigurdsson, current vampire angel and former Norseman was exi- –

Sarah: Are you ever really a former Norseman, though? Anyway.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> – was exiled to Siberia. Things rapidly change as his search for evil Lucipires put him in the path of Camille Dumaine, a human who attracts him with her raw sexual energy, which can only mean she’s the mate Harek has been dreaming of! Nicknamed Camo for her uncanny ability to go unnoticed in a crowd, she finds herself the target of Harek, the security expert hired to bring down a group of international kidnappers. When Harek proclaims her to be his destiny she’s a little concerned, especially when the sexiest man she’s ever met turns out to be a vampire.

[Laughs]

Sarah: Hate when that happens! Man!

Amanda: Ahhh!

Sarah: Honestly.

Amanda: This whole – anytime – I’ve never read this series; let me be very clear. Every time I see this series pop up, though –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – I just feel so joyful.

Sarah: [Laughs] Like, yep, we got Sandra Hill.

Amanda: It’s just the existence –

Sarah: Yep!

Amanda: Yeah, the existence of this series just fills me with joy, and then, you know, right below the review, you can see the cover –

Sarah: Ah!

Amanda: – and it’s just –

Sarah: It’s so good.

Amanda: – it’s shirtless – not shirtless; he’s a well-abbed man busting out of his suit jacket.

Sarah: I think he’s even got an untied bowtie hanging over the collar there.

Amanda: Yes! An untied bowtie, and then he’s got these giant angel wings behind him.

Sarah: [Laughs] Like –

Amanda: It just, it’s the gift that keeps on giving!

Sarah: Like, from the neck up, he looks like he wants to talk to you about refinancing your mortgage. From the neck down, he’s part of, like, the Thunder from Down Under, and then –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – the wings are just full-on Touched by an Angel fluffy, white, backlit fluff – like, it’s just exquisite. When people talk about –

Amanda: Yeah. It’s –

Sarah: – cover art, this is what we’re talking about.

Amanda: It’s also interesting because the review and summary mention the, the Viking part –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – and they mention the vampire part –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – but they don’t mention where the angel part comes in.

Sarah: No. And I think at some point, aren’t they Navy SEAL Viking vampire angels? I think later they become Navy SEALs –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – because they have to fight ISIS.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: There’s a –

Amanda: Yes. [Laughs]

Sarah: – there’s a hero named K’nut or Canute – Snoot? C-N-U-T. I don’t remember. But it was all over Tumblr. Like, people were like, Are you seeing this? And I’m like, Yes, I am seeing this, and I am delighted by the existence of Sandra Hill’s entire backlist. She is a gift!

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Absolutely a gift.

So next is Series, and I –

Amanda: Lot of cowboys. Historical –

Sarah: Sooo many –

Amanda: – had a lot of Highlanders –

Sarah: – cowboys!

Amanda: So many cowboys!

Sarah: This was nothing but cowboys! It’s weird!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: My pick was Coming Home to a Cowboy – surprise!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Three stars, by Sheri WhiteFeather; this was part of the Harlequin Special Edition line.

>> Ten years ago, loner horse trainer Kade Quinn unknowingly became a father. Upon meeting his son, he’s instantly a proud papa and desiring Bridget Wells all over again.

Mm.

>> Because Bridget’s father had abandoned her, she’d kept her son’s parentage under wraps until now, but now that Kade is in the picture, she fears the heartbreak that might come along with it. Building trust and overcoming painful pasts are priorities for this couple. The Victorian practice of floriography and the hero’s fascination with old-time Hollywood add to the wistful feel. The family trip to California, little –

Sorry, I have to scroll.

>> – little boy co-star, and the marriage proposal inspire, but the unprotected sex scene sends the wrong message.

What was I just saying about the crinkle of the condom –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and we need to, we need to know you were, you were putting one on? Come on, now.

Okay, floriography. I love this!

Amanda: What’s that? What is floriography?

Sarah: So floriography is the language of flowers. So the idea that –

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: – every flower has a meaning, like, like roses are both intense romantic love, and a black rose is death, and, you know, this flower means this, and this flower means that. Yeah, there’s a whole, there’s a whole line of it. I think that’s a really cute touch, and it’s, and it’s interesting because you know series books are so small, you have to pack –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – a lot of character development into a very short page count.

So what cowboy did you select?

Amanda: I picked Her Favorite Cowboy by Mary Leo, and it’s part of the Harlequin American Romance line, and it got three stars.

Sarah: Read the other titles in this, in this section, American Romance. [Laughs]

Amanda: There’s Lone Star Baby, The Cowboy and the Lady –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – and The Doctor’s Accidental Family!

Sarah: [Laughs] Hell, yeah! Okay, so what, why is this her favorite cowboy?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You know whoever, you know whoever grabbed that title was like, Damn it! I was going to use that one!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You think they have, like, cowboy refrigerator poetry at the Harlequin headquarters? Like, they have a big fridge of, like, words to make, like, trope words to make – [laughs]

Amanda: I hope so. That would be great.

Sarah: It would be amazing.

Amanda: This also has the most cowboy-sounding name I’ve heard in a while.

>> After his divorce, Gage Remington decides to reconcile with his rancher grandfather.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> He drives his grandfather to a convention –

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: >> – revolving around author Zane Grey, where he meets gorgeous doctor Cori Parker. As circumstances bring them together, Gage finds himself desiring Cori. However, he’s promised his grandfather he’d keep his distance from the single mother. Cori’s also attracted to Gage, but when she finds out about his background, she knows she could never be with a man like him. Though the characters are somewhat stereotypical, Leo does a splendid job weaving her, weaving a heartfelt romance. The convention setting is different and highly interesting.

Sarah: Why does your grandfather tell you to keep your distance from somebody at a convention?

Amanda: Because she’s a, because she’s a single mother is my guess, and his grandfather’s a jerk.

Sarah: Well, screw that guy.

Amanda: But also, what’s Gage’s background that makes Cori be like, Mm, I don’t know about this?

Sarah: Maybe it’s –

Amanda: What’s his deal?

Sarah: – that he’s a cowboy named Gage Remington? And she’s like, Look –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – if I hook up with you and we have kids, they’re going to have names like that, and I’m not on board!

Amanda: Yeah. I also thought it was interesting that the, the hero’s like, I’m going to take my grandfather to a convention for, like, his favorite mystery author or whatever.

Sarah: He’s a cowboy author. Zane Grey was a real –

Amanda: Cow, oh.

Sarah: Zane Grey was a real author.

Amanda: Really?

Sarah: Yeah, yeah! Zane Grey –

Amanda: What a name!

Sarah: – Zane Grey was an American author and also a dentist.

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: Died in 1939. Was known for adventure stories and stories from the Western genre. He idealized the American –

Amanda: I had no idea.

Sarah: – American frontier. Yeah, real dude!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So, erotica! Erotica Romance. What was your pick?

Amanda: Pure Abandon. [Laughs] I just thought the review was funny? Pure Abandon by Jeannine Colette; it was two stars.

Sarah: [Gasps] Two stars!

Amanda: [Laughs] Wait till you, wait till I read the first sentence of the review.

>> From the tone of the narration, the protagonist comes across as a whiner.

Sarah: Oh! [Laughs] Ouch! Way harsh, Tai!

Amanda: >> At the same time, much of the narrative sounds as though it were written in the ‘80s. Kat applies war paint before commuting to work. She wants to have it all, and she’s hoping to break through the glass ceiling of equal pay in New York City. With none of the characters, including the husband and the boss, fully fleshed out, readers may want to Abandon this novel.

[Laughs]

Sarah: Ouch! And it still got two stars! Like, you have a one-star option here! You have an option for one star; why are you giving it two?

Amanda: She’s a real whiner. [Laughs]

Sarah: She’s a real whiner. Wow. Okay!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So I picked, just because it gave me so much delight, I picked Dark Wild Night by Christina Lauren, four and a half stars. Look at, look at Christina Lauren chilling out in Erotic Romance.

Amanda: I miss the erotic romance era of CLo so much. I’m so happy with their success, I’m so glad they’re doing great things, but I have such a soft spot for their early super, super sexy, sexy work. And also, CLo remains one of the few authors that I remember reading, like contemporary authors, where a period is featured.

Sarah: So here’s the review:

>> Finally!

Exclamation point.

>> The third in Lauren’s Wild Season series features the series’ most anticipated couple, quiet Lola and sexy Aussie nerd Oliver. The tension is thick between these two, and nobody writes sexual tension like Lauren. A geeky friends-to-lovers romance, the established bond between Lola and Oliver makes their chemistry explosive.

And here’s the summary:

>> Introverted comic book writer Lola has skyrocketed to stardom after her bestselling graphic novel is optioned for film. When producers start altering her personal story, she takes comfort in the arms of her patient, understanding best friend, nerdy comic store owner Oliver. The two eloped in Vegas months ago and never consummated their now-annulled marriage, but while neither is forward enough to make the first move, their endless flirting and late nights can only lead to the inevitable.

Did you read this one?

Amanda: I read all, all the books! I have them! It’s not my favorite of the four. My favorite is, I think, Dirty Rowdy Thing, where the hero is, like, a Canadian fisherman? That one was my favorite. So I think I would say the second book is my number one; Dark Wild Night is my number two; Sweet Filthy Boy is number three; and the last one, the fourth one, I don’t remember, is my bottom choice out of the four. That’s how I would rank them.

Sarah: Good to know! If, I’m going to look it up –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – just so people are like not – first, so first of all, someone is yelling the name of the title, so we should help them feel better –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and also, I want to, I, I want to remember. It is Wicked Sexy Liar. But look at Christina Lauren sitting in Erotic Romance. Those were the days.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So what’d you think of the books in this one?

Amanda: I mean, I know we mentioned this at the top, but I vividly remember a lot of these books and read a lot of these books and have sweet nostalgia for a lot of these books –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – like the CLo one especially. I saw, you know, When a Scot Ties the Knot by Tessa Dare; that’s one of my very favorite –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – historical romances. So seeing books that I really, really liked or have context for, I like those. I just get more excited, for sure. And then, you know, as we talk about the ads and features in the next episode, talking about RT Dallas, which was my first RT –

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: – so this issue in particular –

Sarah: This is a lot of nostalgia for you. And there’s authors, like, who are now powerhouses making their debut; there’s authors whose style has changed; there’s, like, the, the first books from someone who went on to just dominate a genre. Like, it’s, that’s really cool.

Amanda: Yeah.

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. We will be back in two weeks with the ads and features from September 2015, and oh, it is a time. I mean, it always is, but it’s, it’s a particular time. Nine years ago was a very different world in romance. It’s wild how fast it changes. Can you imagine how Romantic Times would look if it were being published right now and what would be on the cover? We’d have, like, alternating covers between Easter-egg-colored contemporary romances and then – [laughs] – we’d have, like, rrromantasy with a Noun of Things and Stuff and some flowers and some filigree all over the covers. It would be very interesting to see, like, what’s being published right now represented through Romantic Times Magazine. It makes me miss magazines. I don’t know that I miss Romantic Times specifically, but I do miss magazines.

Either way, I hope you’re enjoying this trip through time with us, because I’m having a great time, and I’m really enjoying your comments.

I also want to thank you for the reviews. Iggyebab – I hope I said that right – said that the podcast is smart and fun and says our guests are interesting, the discussion thoughtful and joyful all at once. Thank you. I am aiming for thoughtful and joyful, absolutely. I want this to be a fun show to listen to. So thank you for leaving a review.

If you are so inclined, I know that Pocket Casts just announced, or just unveiled ratings. They didn’t actually announce it; I just found it. So if you go to the individual shows you subscribe to in Pocket Casts, you can now rate them, which is very exciting. But if you have left a rating or a review, thank you very, very much. It’s one of the few ways that we have to interact with the world of podcast hosting and distribution. Which is a weird, it’s a whole, podcasting is a whole weird thing. It’s like publishing! Did you know publishing is weird too? Everything is weird, folks; you heard it here first. I know, breaking news.

As always, I end with a terrible joke, and this week’s joke comes from the internet, and that’s the best kind.

What color is the wind?

Give up? What color is the wind?

Blew.

[Laughs] Just like many, many contemporary romance covers, it’s blue!

I will have links to all of the books – sooo many books! – that we spoke about, and I’ll have a link to the Romantic Times Index website, which has some visuals of what the site used to look like; like, the original Romantic Times website. It’s a time capsule in and of itself, and that’ll be in the show notes, and you know where to find that.

But as always, there is a visual aid entry that goes with this episode, so if you look in the, in the show notes of this episode, you’ll find a link to the visual aids, and the covers are pretty fabulous.

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we’ll see you back here next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find many outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[end of music]