309. Cards Against Romance Tropes: Our Live Show at RWA!

 

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hi there, and welcome to episode number 309 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, and this is our live show from RWA. It is time for us to play Cards Against Romance Tropes. Alisha Rai and Melonie Johnson joined me for our live show at RWA in 2018 last week, and Cards Against Romance Tropes is a very limited edition game. In fact, Melonie was part of the crew that created it. We start by learning that Julia Quinn’s Bridgerton series is being adapted by Netflix by Shonda Rhimes, which is something I learned as we started taping, and then we start the games. Alisha Rai is the captain of Team Kale, and Melonie Johnson is the captain of Team Doughnut. Now, the audio is a little bit echo-y, because I was recording in a pretty large room with very high ceilings, and that’s all my fault, so I apologize. I’m getting better with the live equipment, but sometimes I have a learning curve with each new environment.

I do want to thank a bunch of people. First, thank you to the staff at RWA, especially Steph Fry and Carol Ritter, who gave us a room with a speaker so we could do the live show. Thank you to Gabi and Kris from the Sheraton Denver Downtown. When Kris came to make sure that the room was all good, I joked that there was free wine in the lobby and we wanted some free wine in the room, and then Gabi showed up with a tray full of wine, which was really awesome, because, you know, you should always do your podcast recordings with wine. I want to thank Alisha Rai for captaining a team and bringing books as prizes, and I want to thank Melonie Johnson for captaining a team and especially for being part of the group that created Cards Against Romance Tropes in the first place and gave me a set to take home. And, of course, I want to thank everyone who attended and joined in the game. You are all the most excellent.

Now, this podcast episode and transcript are being brought to you by Half Empty by New York Times and USA Today bestselling author Catherine Bybee. Trina Petrov unexpectedly becomes one of the wealthiest women in the world after her marriage-by-contract ends with her husband’s apparent suicide, but all that money won’t help her heal any faster. So on that terrible first anniversary, she takes a trip to Venice, swearing that she’ll entertain the temptations of plenty of food and wine, but absolutely zero men. When she’s stuck in a hotel on the way home, a handsome and very charming stranger strikes up a conversation in the bar. When he introduces himself, she has no idea who he is, a fact that he finds incredibly alluring. To everyone else in his world, he’s Wade Thomas, a world-famous country singer who really needs time to be anonymous and to be himself. He offers Trina and her friend Avery a ride home on his plane. But when Avery is attacked after helping Trina sort through her late husband’s belongings, Wade and Trina begin unraveling a mystery that points at one conclusion: someone wants Trina dead immediately. Wade isn’t about to let that happen, and he’s not letting Trina out of his sight until the danger is gone. Half Empty by Catherine Bybee is published by Montlake Romance and available now at Amazon.com.

We have a podcast Patreon, and if you are interested in having a look, it is patreon.com/SmartBitches. The support of the Patreon community helps me commission transcripts for episodes in our archives and helps me maintain the live equipment that I use to do these live shows, and I also use the Patreon community’s wisdom to help develop questions for interviews that I have scheduled in the future.

I want to thank some of the Patreon folks personally, so to Anna, Mona, JR, Elena, and Lady Bee, thank you so very much for being part of the Patreon community, and if you’d like to have a look, you can go to patreon.com/SmartBitches.

Now, are there other ways to support the show? There are ways to support every podcast you enjoy, and I bet you know what they are. You can leave a review wherever you listen or however you listen on whatever platform; it’s all good. You can tell a friend, you can subscribe, and if you’re listening to me each week, thank you for that! It is a real honor to hang out with you in your eardrums each week.

Now, our music is provided by Sassy Outwater, and I will have information at the end of the show as to who this is. I will also have a truly terrible joke and a preview of what’s coming up on the website next week.

Now, if you’re listening and you’re thinking, I would really like to find a copy of Cards Against Romance Tropes for my own, unfortunately there are only eight sets in existence, and I have one. But if you really like this game and you think, I would totally dig playing this live, you should email me at Sarah, S-A-R-A-H, at smartbitchestrashybooks dot com [Sarah@smartbitchestrashybooks.com], or you can email sbjpodcast@gmail.com, and let me know that you would be interested in doing a live game night with me. I’m thinking of putting together some game nights throughout this year and next, maybe to play Cards Against Romance Tropes and record it, ‘cause it’s a really fun game. Let me know if you’d be interested in that or if you’d be interested in attending, maybe not playing, but showing up to hear us get really silly and inappropriate.

You can also email me if you just want to tell me things or ask questions or recommend a book. I really enjoy hearing from you because you’re all awesome.

All right, it is time for the live show. Are you ready? Let’s do this thing. On with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: Y’all want to hear some cool news?

Everyone: Yes!

Sarah: Julia Quinn has partnered with Netflix to adapt the Bridgerton series into a series, and here, here’s the headline – try to breathe: Shonda Rhimes Describes Her Grand Netflix Ambitions. Shonda Rhimes is going to adapt the Bridgertons for Netflix. Holy crap, you guys!

[Clapping, chatter]

Sarah: Oh my God, this is amazing! I don’t see anything specific about it in the article; I’m looking at Julia Quinn’s website. Scandal writer Chris Van Dusen will turn the Bridgertons into a dramatic series, the whole series, for Netflix, so I have no free time, basically –

[Laughter]

Sarah: – is what’s happening here, right?

Guest: Yes we have to ask who would be cast, man.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Oh my gosh, that’s so cool! Dude, guess what? Julia Quinn is being adapted for Netflix by Shonda Rhimes. I swear to God, I’m not making up any of those words up.

Sarah: So, guys, welcome to the podcast! I’m Sarah.

Guest: Hi, Sarah!

Sarah: Hi! Thank you guys for coming, and thank you to everyone who helped me set up, and I’m so glad you guys are here. So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to play Cards Against Romance Tropes. This is a very limited – how many sets were made?

Melonie Johnson: I think there were eight.

Sarah: Eight total sets of this game were made, and I was given one. And so this is basically Cards Against Humanity, except we’re going to fill in sentences like “The trouble with _____” and we’re going to have a team of contestants. So here’s how this is going to work: we have two team captains. First we have Alisha Rai. Yay!

[Cheers, applause]

Sarah: Alisha, come and sit in this chair right here with this microphone, because I know what happens when I give you a mic, and it’s awesome!

[Laughter]

Sarah: So Alisha will be the captain of one team. We’re actually going to do this team style, because that makes it more drunkenly fun. Alisha will be captain of, captain of team number one, and I will be take, I will be taking volunteers from the audience, so keep drinking.

[Laughter]

Sarah: The other team captain is Melonie Johnson! Come over here!

[Cheers]

Sarah: You sit right down in this chair! Now, couple of things you need to know, and this comes with a scroll of instructions.

Alisha Rai: [Laughs] Yes!

Sarah: The first thing I have to say is that this game was created by Erin Brambilla, Melonie Johnson, Ricki Wovsaniker? –

Melonie: Wovsaniker.

Sarah: – Wovsaniker, Robbin Luckett, Susan Fletcher, and Christina Grenhart. If you like this game, we don’t know what you’re talking about – or if you don’t like the game we don’t know what you’re talking about. So this was originally created by Chicago North five years ago? At least?

Melonie: 2014, so yeah, four years ago.

Sarah: There’s only eight sets. I have one, so I’m going to make as much trouble with this game as I possibly can.

Sarah: Gabi!

Gabi: Hi!

Sarah: Hi, Gabi! Thank you for bringing more wine!

Melonie: You’re amazing, Gabi!

Sarah: So here’s how this works: has everyone here ever played Cards Against Humanity? Is anyone unfamiliar with this game? If you’re unfamiliar, raise your hand; I’ll explain the rules. Okay, so.

Alisha: Have you played Apples to Apples?

Melonie guest: It is like that.

Alisha: It’s, it’s like Apples to Apples if –

Melonie: Dirty version.

Sarah: So there will be a pink, pink card. The card has a sentence you have to fill in. If you are a contestant, you will be picking five white cards, and then you will choose one of your white cards to fill in the pink card, and you will hand your candidate to your team captain. They will read aloud their choices, and then they will select the one that they think best represents their team, and then you will vote by applause, noise, and inappropriate gestures as to who has won that round. Okay? Now, we have prizes. Alisha brought books, because that’s frigging rad, and I have stickers, including the Bad Decisions Book Club sticker.

Many guests: Ooh!

Sarah: I have assorted lady quadrants. Whoops! And I’m spilling ‘em. So I have lots of different lady stickers. And I have my favorite, Romance or GTFO [Get the Fuck Out].

[Laughter]

Sarah: I also have a little bit, little earbuds.

Melonie: Oooh!

Sarah: Now, you might have your favorite headphones, but here’s a little case to keep them in, and a pair of earbuds inside so you can listen to podcasts like this one!

Alisha: Ohhh!

Sarah: Amazing how that works out, right? So you guys ready to get started?

Guests: Yeah!

Sarah: Okay, who would like to be on a team? Raise your hand! Yes! Okay –

Alisha: Oh!

Sarah: – you are so eager, and you’re – okay, ma’am, come on down. You can sit in whatever chair you want. Alisha!

Alisha: Yes!

Sarah: Would you introduce yourself to everyone and tell people how amazing you are? ‘Cause that’s not awkward at all.

Alisha: I will do exactly that. My name’s Alisha Rai; I write contemporary romance. My last, my last few books were the Forbidden Hearts trilogy, starting with Hate to Want You. There’s, like, yeah, they’re, like, sexy contemporaries. That particular trilogy’s more like a soap opera, family dynasty type thing, warring families, and it’s ‘cause I grew up watching The Young and the Restless when I was way too young with my grandmamma? Like, way too young to be watching it, and I was very invested in Victor; he was my favorite. I was, like, six. I was like, he’s got a cool mustache! And he’s still on the show, I think. He’s, like, ninety years old. [Laughs] I don’t know; he’s very, he’s –

Sarah: Are mustaches still cool?

Alisha: Yeah. Yeah!

Sarah: Okay!

Alisha: Yeah! I don’t know if he’s, I’m pretty sure he’s, like, older. He’s, like, salt-and-peppered now, I think.

Sarah: Okay!

Alisha: I haven’t seen the show in a very long time. So yeah! So that’s, that’s me. Melonie?

Melonie: Oh, hi! I’m Melonie Johnson, and I was very excited, ‘cause my Golden Heart sister Alexis won the Rita for best first book last night?

[Cheers, applause]

Melonie: And actually, I have a series coming out next summer from St. Martin’s Press, and I just found out –

Guest: [Excited comment]

Melonie: Yes!

Alisha: Oh, I didn’t know that!

Melonie: So it’s fun, flirty, a little bit dirty, contemporary romance, very close female friendships, and the first book is Getting Hot with a Scot, and it comes out April 30th! Yeah, so, woohoo!

Sarah: Congratulations!

Alisha: Hurray!

[Applause]

Sarah: Okay. Ma’am, can I ask you what your name is?

Arlene: Arlene.

Sarah: Arlene? Where are you from, Arlene?

Arlene: Canada.

Sarah: I’m really sorry. I need you to go back home, and take all of us with you.

Melonie: Yes, please.

[Laughter]

Sarah: How big is your luggage? I didn’t bring that many shoes.

Melonie: She brought lots of shoes.

Alisha: I brought lots of shoes, yeah.

Sarah: Yeah, she, she knew.

Arlene: You can wear mine.

Sarah: She’s going to be like, you get back! Back! And ma’am, what is your name?

Shiray: Shiray.

Sarah: Hi, Shiray. And where are you from?

Shiray: Brooklyn, New York.

Sarah: Excellent! All right! You have good pizza there. I’m going to see if I can reach all the way this way. Oh, I can! I love these cords. What is your name, ma’am?

Elizabeth: Elizabeth.

Sarah: And where are you from, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: Orcas Island, Washington?

Sarah: You live on an island? Do you take a ferry? Like, you have to get your groceries somewhere else and, like –

Elizabeth: No, they have grocery –

Sarah: You have a store on your island? That’s good.

Elizabeth: Yeah, there is, actually. There are two!

Sarah: Dude! That’s, like, super –

Elizabeth:  I can walk to the closer one and there’s a co-op.

Sarah: Oh, you are in Washington.

Elizabeth: Yeah. [Laughs]

Sarah: Is there kale?

Elizabeth: Of course.

Sarah: Can I say something politically incorrect? I’m going to say something politically incorrect: why is kale?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Why? Everything here has kale –

Alisha: Kale is delicious!

Sarah: You go to hell.

Alisha: No!

[Laughter]

Melonie: Okay, so you guys are Team Kale. And we’re Team, and we’re Team Doughnuts! So –

[Laughter]

Alisha: I like doughnuts too, Melonie!

Sarah: What’s your name?

Felicitas: I’m Felicitas Ivey.

Sarah: And where are you from?

Felicitas: I’m from Boston, where it’s wicked good.

Sarah: Oh, yeah? Awesome! All right.

Melonie: Something’s going to –

Sarah: So we’re going to play our first round of Cards Against Romance Tropes, and you guys are all going to have to get involved and pick the overall first-round winner. Alisha and Melonie, would you pick a pink card, please? Team Kale, would you read your card aloud?

Alisha: “Book Title: The Millionaire Sheikh’s Secret _____.”

Sarah: So –

[Laughter]

Sarah: – you guys have to pick a card from your five cards that best and most horribly or most excellently completes that sentence.

Melonie: This is not always a PC game; I’m warning you now.

Sarah: Now, I do have to say –

Alisha: Is this a real title? ‘Cause it sounds like one.

Melonie: We, we probably pulled some from –

Alisha: Okay. [Laughs]

Melonie: – too?

Guest: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah. There is a caveat to this game. The “I’m a virgin” requirement is that if there is a white card and you don’t understand what’s on that white card, you can absolutely ask me for a new one, but you have to admit that you don’t understand it so we can explain it to you in painful, excruciating, embarrassing detail.

Melonie: Mm-hmm, mm-hmmm.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Not that you should be afraid of that, ‘cause we’re all super nice, and –

Melonie: There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin.

Sarah: Right. All right, Melonie, would you please read aloud your sentence.

Melonie: “The key to writing good ménage is.”

Sarah: Not kale.

Alisha: That’s a good one. That’s a good one.

Sarah: It is not kale, I promise.

Alisha: You know there’s going to be a hero named Kale at some point. We’re, like, heading there.

Melonie: We are.

Alisha: Yeah.

Melonie: It’s good for you.

Alisha: It’s good for you.

Sarah: They’re going to be organic farmers.

Alisha: He’s full of potassium.

Melonie: Actually, I think, I think organic farmers could be hot. I –

Alisha: Yeah!

Sarah: Oh, there’s a whole bunch of ‘em coming – I mean, not literally.

Melonie: Oh.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I didn’t have wine, I swear! All right, Team Kale, please hand your selected individual card for this round to Alisha, the cream, the Queen of Kale.

Alisha: Yes.

Sarah: And Alisha, read your entries, and you shall pick the one you think best represents Kale.

Alisha: Do I read them out loud?

Sarah: You read them out loud to the room.

Alisha: Okay.

Sarah: This is for maximum ridiculousness.

Alisha: So it’s “The Millionaire Sheikh’s Secret _____.” The Millionaire Sheikh’s Secret Leather or The Millionaire Sheikh’s Secret Handcuffs.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Okay, hmm. Melonie, do you have your cards? Have you guys handed the card that you would like to enter into this round?

Melonie: The key to writing good ménage is: zucchini.

[Laughter]

Melonie: The key to writing good ménage is naked werewolves.

Alisha: Oh, that one actually makes sense!

Sarah: Zucchini and the naked werewolves would be a really good book too.

Melonie: And there’s multiples there, so we’re, you know –

Sarah: All right, Alisha, what is your selection?

Alisha: Between leather and handcuffs, I’m going to go –

Sarah: It’s a really tough choice.

Alisha: It’s true, it is! They kind of go together! Let’s go with handcuffs.

Sarah: Okay!

Alisha: Yes.

Sarah: Melonie?

Melonie: Man! I’m going to go with naked werewolves.

Sarah: Okay. So now is the point where you have to vote by inappropriate gesture, loudness, and applause. On Team Kale, we have The Billionaire –

Alisha: Millionaire!

Sarah: – Millionaire – sorry, I downsized him.

Alisha: Don’t make him richer!

Sarah: – Millionaire Sheikh’s Secret –

Alisha: Handcuffs.

Sarah: – Handcuffs –

[Laughter]

Sarah: – or the key to writing good ménage is naked werewolves. So let’s hear it for handcuffs!

[Cheers, applause]

Sarah: All right. Naked werewolves!

[More cheers and applause]

Sarah: All right!

Melonie: I got lucky!

Sarah: Who –

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: Who submitted the naked werewolf? All right, come on over here. You can put your cards on your seat, and you can come and pick a prize.

Alisha: Oh, this is nice!

Melonie: Yeah, I like how this –

Sarah: And –

Alisha: Clearly we don’t know how to score! [Laughs]

Sarah: – I need another contestant to start going. Ma’am? You shot your hand up. You look ready to be super embarrassing. Thank you so much for playing! And congratulations!

Guest: Thank you!

Sarah: All right!

[Applause]

Sarah: Team Kale, what is the sentence that we are competing with this evening?

Alisha: “The main character looks into a mirror and thinks of _____.”

Sarah: Kale. And?

[Laughter]

Alisha: Doughnut.

Melonie: “Darcy’s proposal would have been even better if he had given Elizabeth” a doughnut.

Sarah: Yeah! Okay.

Melonie: So Darcy’s proposal –

Sarah: I’m going to start with Melonie’s team.

Melonie: – would have been better.

Sarah: Which fills in – I just saw that card; y’all it’s amazing!

[Laughter]

Sarah: I’m, like, totally –

Melonie: I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to know who gave me what. Oh my God! [Laughs]

Sarah: All right.

Melonie: Okay.

Sarah: Ma’am, have you handed your card over?

Melonie: I got both!

Sarah: You got both? All right. Melonie, you go first this round.

Melonie: Darcy’s proposal would have been better if he had given Elizabeth a manly vest.

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Melonie: Okay. Darcy’s proposal would have been better if he had given Elizabeth chaps.

[Laughter]

Melonie: I cannot get that image out of my head!

Alisha: Maybe. Maybe. Depends on what she’s into.

Sarah: Ass-less chaps; I’m a fan. Okay.

Melonie: Nothing about ass-less!

[Laughter]

Melonie: But all chaps are ass-less, right?

Alisha: All chaps are ass-less! [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay.

Alisha: You’re not writing cowboys, are you? [Laughs] Okay. The main character looks into a mirror and thinks of – and I swear this is real – doughnuts.

Melonie: Yes!

[Laughter]

Alisha: It’s real. The main character looks into a mirror and thinks of a spanking scene.

Melonie: [Laughs] Is he looking in the mirror, like, backwards?

Alisha: Yeah – [laughs] – like, he’s in the ass-less chaps, yeah.

Sarah: So Melonie, which are you choosing?

Melonie: Man, I’ve got to go with the, the chaps!

Sarah: All right! So we have the, the proposal would have been better if he had given her chaps? And Alisha, which one are you choosing?

Alisha: The main character looks into a mirror and thinks of a spanking scene.

Sarah: I’m telling you!

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: All right. Applause for chaps.

[Applause]

Sarah: Applause for a spanking scene.

[Cheers, more applause]

Alisha: [Laughs]

Sarah: All right. I love how you guys are very much in agreement.

Alisha: Yeah!

Sarah: Thank you, Felicitas! Nice job!

Felicitas: Thank you!

Sarah: Please come and take a prize!

Alisha: Someone new come.

Sarah: Here we go, all right. Team Kale.

Alisha: “A declaration of love would be incomplete without _____.” Oh, that’s sweet! Maybe. I don’t know; we’ll find out.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Melonie?

Melonie: So mine’s mixing it up; its blank is first. So “_____ make the best lovers.”

Sarah: Zucchini.

Alisha: Oh!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Except they have those little spiky things, so no, never mind.

Melonie: Why do you know this?

Sarah: ‘Cause it was an earlier card, and I’m following the game! I’m following –

Alisha: Should have been an eggplant. I hope there’s an eggplant card.

Melonie: It’s true.

Sarah: Okay, no?

Alisha: Yeah!

Sarah: No.

Alisha: That’s what a penis is.

[Laughter]

Alisha: In emoji world.

Melonie: What?!

Sarah: I was going to say, they’re not supposed to be purple and green.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I mean, I don’t know about you, but the eggplants that show up in my garden are not – no.

Alisha: Do you know, I was trying to, like, you know, somebody was texting me – well, okay, whatever, but I texted –

Alisha: – no, no, nothing – and we were like, well, what’s, like, for breasts? Like, what’s the emoji for breasts? And so I was like, cherries, right? ‘Cause there’re two of ‘em on a little thing, and like, the stem doesn’t make sense, and I was like, oh, okay, so it’s the acorns, then, and they were like, no, and then we realized it’s the melons! There’s honeydews. Anyway, continue.

Sarah: That works!

Alisha: Yeah!

Melonie: There are two of them?

Alisha: Well, you do two.

Melonie: Oh!

Sarah: Boom, boom. Melons.

Alisha: You do two, yeah.

Sarah: So it’s plural melons.

Alisha: ‘Cause it can’t be the moon, ‘cause that’s –

Sarah: No.

Alisha: – that’s butts. So anyway.

[Laughter]

Alisha: It’s very, it was very academic conversation.

Melonie: I use the peach for butts, but –

Sarah: Is the dancing flamenco lady something spicy, or is that just – ?

Alisha: She’s just dancing.

Sarah: She’s just dancing? Okay.

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: ‘Cause I wasn’t sure if there was something about her that was inappropriate.

Alisha: Let her live.

Melonie: When I feel like I’m –

Sarah: All right, so have you handed over your card answers? Who’s going first this round? Team Kale.

Alisha: A declaration of love would be incomplete without whipped cream.

[Laughter]

Alisha: A declaration of love would be incomplete without protective older brothers.

Melonie: That creates a whole, like –

Alisha: Depends on what the trope –

Melonie: – other dynamic.

Alisha: – is. [Laughs]

Sarah: Someone is, someone in this room is going to get a book idea out of this –

Alisha: I know!

Melonie: Seriously!

Sarah: – and I want you to tell me when it happens, ‘cause I, is, yeah. Especially if there’s zucchini, kale, and brothers.

[Laughter]

Melonie: All right. Okay, so tongue sucking make the best lovers. Or –

Alisha: Toe sucking?

Melonie: Tongue.

Alisha: Okay.

Melonie: Tongue sucking. But if you like toe sucking better –

Alisha: I, I don’t, but I’m just – [laughs]

Melonie: Nipples like dinner plates make the best lovers.

[Laughter]

Melonie: I’ve seen those book covers.

Sarah: Oh man. All right, so, Team Kale, Alisha, which one are you going with?

Alisha: I’m going to say, just because protective older brothers is a bit confusing, that a declaration of love would be incomplete without whipped cream. Yes.

Sarah: I find that entirely, entirely acceptable.

Alisha: Possible.

Sarah: And what is your call?

Melonie: Oh man.

Sarah: Tongue sucking or dinner plates, ma’am? It’s hard –

[Laughter]

Melonie: Yeah, you know, I’m going to go with tongue sucking make the best lovers.

Sarah: Okay!

Melonie: Yeah.

Sarah: Can I have applause for tongue sucking in lovers?

[Applause]

Sarah: And –

Melonie: I think you got it again.

Sarah: – Alisha, yours was –

Alisha and Sarah: – whipped cream –

Sarah: – makes the best proposal.

Alisha: Yeah. [Laughs]

[More applause]

Melonie: That was a good one.

Sarah: Who was the generator of whipped cream? Come over and select a prize.

Melonie: I’d vote for that too.

Alisha: You’re going to get it.

Melonie: All right.

Sarah: – person in this – Melonie, which phrase are we completing tonight?

Melonie: Okay, so “_____ is going to be the next big thing.”

Sarah: Oh. ‘Kay.

Alisha: So this is from the love of my life.

Melonie: That’s okay.

Alisha: Thank you. It’s Courtney Milan from The Governess Affair: “Never hit a man with _____.”

[Laughter]

Alisha: This is going to be fun. Make it fun!

Sarah: I love that there’s a Courtney Milan quote in this game.

Alisha: I know! I’mma tell Courtney! I’ll take a picture of it later.

[Laughter]

Sarah: If, after this round, if you have not select-, had, had a, a winning card –

Melonie: We’ll, we’ll change out the cards.

Sarah: – you want to fold and get new cards after this round –

Alisha: Yes.

Sarah: – I will give you new cards.

Alisha: I think that’s fair.

Sarah: ‘Cause I got –

Melonie: All right, so here we go: Lack of lube is going to be the next big thing.

Sarah: No!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Chafing is never sexy!

Melonie: That’s like – yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Sarah: I – you’re like –

[Laughter]

Guest: I shudder full-body.

Melonie: Granny panties –

[Laughter]

Melonie: – is going to be the next big thing. And I say own it!

Alisha: Granny panties are, like, underrated, man. They hold everything in.

Sarah: I love mine!

Alisha: I know! Never hit a man with man titties.

Melonie:  What?

[Laughter]

Alisha: Never hit a man with a genital piercing.

Sarah: That could be read so many ways!

Alisha: Ahh! [Laughs]

Sarah: That could be read so many ways!

Alisha: Yes, yes, like, yes.

Melonie: [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, Melonie, which is the sentence we are going with here?

Melonie: Oh, we’ve, we’ve got to go with the granny panties.

Sarah: Granny panties are going to be the next big thing? They’re already a big thing in my world.

Alisha: Oh gosh, this is hard. I think I wouldn’t want to hit a man with a genital piercing. Like, that should be highly consensual.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Fine. I mean, God, you know romance doesn’t really deal with consent at all.

Alisha: No, never, never, never.

Sarah: So you are going with –

Alisha: I’m going with genital piercing.

Sarah: All right.

Alisha: I mean, I’m not, but for this purpose I am.

Melonie: How do we know?

Sarah: Never hit a man with a genital piercing.

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: All right, never hit a man with a genital piercing?

[Applause, cheers]

Sarah: And granny panties are the next big thing.

[Applause, cheers]

Sarah: All right, I think that was Team Kale.

Melonie: That was –

Alisha: Yes.

Sarah: Think that was Team Kale.

Alisha: Oh, yay! You did it!

[Applause, cheers]

Sarah: All right, I need a person for a chair up in the front. Sarah, come on down! All right. Team Kale.

Alisha: “It’s the year 3014, and despite the advancement of technology, our hero still uses _____ to fight for his heroine’s honor.”

Melonie: That’s a thinking question.

Alisha: That is a thinking question.

Sarah: That is a tough one. All right, Melonie?

Melonie: “Next from E. L. James: Fifty-One Shades of _____.”

Sarah: Melonie, you ready?

Melonie: Yes.

Sarah: Mm-kay.

Melonie: Next from E. L. James: Fifty-One Shades of Pregnesia.

Sarah: Ohhh, whoo!

Melonie: And if you don’t know the Pregnesia story, we need, you need to –

Alisha: Google it.

Melonie: – ask later.

Alisha: Smart Bitches + Pregnesia. [Laughs]

Sarah: Pregnesia. That’s one of my favorite guest reviews.

Melonie: And that author was so awesome.

Sarah: She was amazing.

Alisha: Yeah! She was really – who was that?

Sarah: I can’t tell you.

Alisha: Okay.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I’m not allowed to say.

Alisha: Aw.

Melonie: Next from E. L. James: Fifty-One Shades of a Magic Hoo-Hah!

[Laughter]

Sarah: How many colors do they come in?

Melonie: A Magic Hoo-Hah!

Sarah: Okay, so many. Okay! Glittery, magic, okay!

Alisha: It’s the year 3014, and despite the advancement of technology, our hero still uses marrying for money to fight for his heroine’s honor. Or it’s the year 3014, and despite the advancement of technology, our hero still uses a Manic Pixie Dream Girl to fight for his heroine’s honor.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Like, I just don’t –

Melonie: It’s why it’s called Cards Against Romance Tropes.

Alisha: Yes.

Sarah: – get back! Get back!

Alisha: [Laughs]

Sarah: She’s like –

Melonie: I need to stop at Hot Topic!

Alisha: I just want to live!

[Laughter]

Sarah: I need to stop at Hot Topic! Okay. ‘Kay, Melonie, which one are we going with? Fifty-One Shades of?

Melonie: I mean, I love the Pregnesia reference, but I, I just want to read about the, the fifty-one Magic Hoo-Hahs.

[Laughter]

Sarah: You know, there’s, like, A Thousand and One Dark Nights? I would totally read a whole series of, like, fifty-one different Magic Hoo-Hahs.

Alisha: Yeah!

Sarah: It would be amazing.

Alisha: Yeah!

Sarah: Team Alisha, where are we going?

Alisha: I’m going to go with a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Sarah: So we’re going to defend her honor with a Manic Pixie –

Alisha: It’s the year 3014; despite the advancement of technology, our hero still uses a Manic Pixie Dream Girl to fight for his heroine’s honor.

Guest: Ow, ow! Stop!

Sarah: All right, Manic Pixie Dream Girl!

[Applause]

Sarah: And Fifty-One Shades of Magic Hoo-Hah.

[Cheers, applause]

Sarah: All right! Come on in!

Melonie: I think this side got it this time.

Guest: Yeah!

Alisha: Yeah, I think so, I think so.

[Cheers, applause]

Melonie: Did you think today you were going to win a prize with a Magic Hoo-Hah?

Sarah: I forgot to introduce all the new players, and I suck at that. I apologize. My bad. What’s your name?

Laurel: Laurel McMackin.

Sarah: Hi, Laurel. Thank you for joining us, and if you, you’ve played and I didn’t introduce you, I’m really sorry. Bad host.

Sarah: All right, so the, there was, the folded hands included a dream sequence, a gold digger, a stereotypical sidekick, and a museum curator; I would also read that series.

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right, Melonie.

Melonie: Yes. So this one is two cards. You’re going to have to pick two cards.

Alisha: Ooh!

Melonie: This is from Jane Austen, Persuasion. “I am half _____, half _____.”

Alisha: “How did the heroine’s parents tragically die?”

Everyone: Ooh, ah.

Alisha: Oooh.

Melonie: [Laughs]

Sarah: Got to get rid of those parents, man.

Melonie: Whipped cream.

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: They get in the way. All their expectations.

Alisha: Yeah, yeah!

Guest: It was probably the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Alisha: It was probably still the Manic Pixie Dream Girl; yeah, you’re right. You’re absolutely right.

Sarah: What, like you grab her by the ankles and hit people with her. Ow, ow! Stop!

Melonie: With her, with her piercings.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Hit, hit her with a piercing.

Melonie: Okay.

Sarah: All right, Melonie? You ready?

Melonie: Yeah, ‘kay. I am half shapeshifter, half that’s what she said.

[Laughter]

Sarah: That’s amazing.

Melonie: That’s a hero for you; I want to read that. All right. [Clears throat, laughs] I am half the squee cannon, half an unexpected package.

[Laughter]

Alisha: Oooh!

Melonie: That’s like, yeah. They’re both good.

Alisha: How did the heroine’s parents tragically die? So we have either the dark moment, which makes sense, actually, or a virgin Spanish housekeeper.

[Laughter]

Melonie: I want to read that book!

Alisha: I know!

Melonie: It sounds like a cozy mystery! [Laughs]

Alisha: Cozy? [Laughs] It’s like some Gothic! Yeah, something.

[Indistinct comment from guest]

Alisha: We’re just going to, like, take the rest of the time to plot out this book. [Laughs] That’s all.

Guest: That’s literally what I –

Alisha: That’s, that’s what we’re doing.

[Laughter]

Melonie: Oh my God! All right, you know, I am going to go with I am half shapeshifter, half that’s what she said.

Sarah: [Laughs] And you’re going with?

Alisha: I think the virgin Spanish housekeeper has to –

Sarah: All right!

Melonie: Yes.

Alisha: – has to murder the parents.

Sarah: Shapeshifters and that’s what she said.

[Applause]

Melonie: You got this one.

Sarah: Virgin Spanish housekeepers?

[Cheers, applause]

Melonie: Yeah.

Alisha: That was good.

Melonie: That was awesome.

Alisha: That was really good.

Sarah: Nice job! Okay. Alisha.

Alisha: “I have to email my editor and tell her I missed my deadline because _____.” Actually, this might be useful for me, so please.

Sarah: Everybody take notes.

Alisha: Take notes. Pull out –

Sarah: We’re here to help.

Alisha: Pull out your phones right now.

Sarah: All right.

Melonie: “In the future, e-books will have a _____ feature.”

Alisha: So, I have to email my editor and tell her I missed my deadline because of a lack of birth control.

[Laughter]

Melonie: That actually might happen all too soon.

Alisha: Or –

Sarah: Secret baby!

Alisha: – I have to email my editor and tell her I missed my deadline because of her wonder cave.

[Laughter]

Melonie: Like, your editor’s wonder cave? Like, specifically?

Alisha: It’s like, that’s, that’s harassment, that one. [Laughs]

Sarah: That’s the kind of phone call where the editor’s going to hang up the phone and be like, you are not going to believe this! Y’all, listen up, I got the winner for this year’s excuse bingo.

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right.

Melonie: In the future, e-books will have a detailed descriptions of pubic hair feature.

[Laughter]

Melonie: I actually really, actually, this is actually happening already, so we predicted the future, ‘cause, because in the future, e-books will have a laughing at inappropriate moments feature.

Sarah: That’s what you want, for your e-reader to just start laughing spontaneously.

Melonie: ‘Cause isn’t there a story –

Alisha: Alexa!

Melonie: – of, like, the Alexa just, like, laughing?

Alisha: Alexa is – yeah, yeah.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Alisha?

Alisha: Oh man, both of these are so good, ‘cause babies will make you miss your deadline, but I have to email my editor and tell her I missed my deadline because of her wonder cave.

[Laughter]

Melonie: Okay.

Sarah: Just want to tell you –

Melonie: So in the future, e-books will have a – mm.

Alisha: It’s hard! This was a good round.

Sarah: That’s also not a feature we want to –

Alisha: No!

Melonie: This, this, this makes me squicky, but it’s still funny, so detailed descriptions of pubic hair feature.

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right, so we have her wonder cave.

Alisha: Mm.

[Clapping]

Sarah: E-books with detailed descriptions of pubic hair.

[Cheers, clapping]

Melonie: You’re all perverts.

Alisha: I got it, I got it.

Sarah: Good job!

Melonie: Good job!

Sarah: All right.

Melonie: Someone want to take a spot?

Sarah: Who would like to take a chair? Come on down! Melonie, what’s your card?

Melonie: So this one, you need to play three cards!

Guest: Oh my God!

Sarah: Duh-duh-duh!

Melonie: “Goal: _____. Motivation: _____. Conflict: _____.”

Guests: Oooh!

Sarah: And she’s just like, oh! This again.

Alisha: Mine is –

Alisha: – “That’s about as sexy as _____.”

Melonie: What?

Alisha: Oh, okay!

[Laughter]

Melonie: She must – she knew. [Laughs]

Sarah: Mm-kay.

Melonie: When you’re ready?

Sarah: Alisha, you ready?

Alisha: Yeah!

Melonie: You can hand them to me in the order you want them, Goal, Motivation, Conflict.

Alisha: That’s about as sexy as a holiday-themed romance.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Which holiday? This one is Lent.

Alisha: [Laughs] That’s about, that’s about as sexy as ‘80s hair.

[Laughter]

Melonie: There’s some sexy ‘80s dos!

Alisha: It is pretty sexy!

Melonie: Oh, the mullets.

Alisha: Yeah. Yeah.

Sarah: I will show you the picture of my husband from tenth grade.

Melonie: Please.

Alisha: It’s adorable.

Sarah: The most, it’s the most amazing mullet you’ve ever seen in your life.

[Laughter]

Melonie: Goal: sex scenes that involve food.

Sarah: Excellent goal.

Melonie: Motivation: shipping.

Alisha: Wait, what was that?

Melonie: Shipping, not the other.

Alisha: Okay. [Laughs]

Melonie: ShiPPing.

Alisha: Thank you, enunciate.

Melonie: Conflict: interviewing only non-romance writers about penning sex scenes.

[Laughter]

Sarah: That never happens! I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Guest: No, no, the struggle is real.

Melonie: And the other one is Goal: a hidden bungalow. Motivation: enemies-to-lovers. Conflict: cinnamon.

[Laughter]

Alisha: You could have some heated arguments about cinnamon. [Laughs]

Sarah: How many?

Alisha: Sure, yeah!

Melonie: Cinnamon-y.

Alisha: Coming soon!

Sarah: Literally, soon, she’s coming. All right, Alisha, which you pick, ‘80s hair? Or a holiday-themed romance?

Alisha: You know, I think it’s about as sexy as ‘80s hair. And that can go either way! Could be positive!

Melonie: It’s true.

Alisha: Could be.

Melonie: That’s about as sexy as –

Alisha and Melonie: – ‘80s hair!

Alisha: Oh my God!

Sarah: So all of you are going to start saying that tomorrow.

[Laughter]

Melonie: So, just ‘cause it’s so random, which is so awesome, and the more that I sit here and think about it, the more that I think, if it’s a goal for hidden bungalow and the motivation is, is enemies-to-lovers, and they both want this hidden bungalow, but the conflict is cinnamon?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Yes.

Melonie: Yes, that’s what I’m going with.

Sarah: All right. Eighties hair?

[Applause]

Sarah: Bungalows with cinnamon.

[Cheers, applause]

Sarah: Nice! Well done!

Melonie: Yeah, good job! [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, please come up and take a prize!

Melonie: And then you need three new cards!

Sarah: We need a whole bunch of cards down here. All right. Alisha, are you ready?

Alisha: Yes.

Sarah: What’s your phrase?

Alisha: “How did he lose his virginity?” [Laughs]

Everyone: Ohhh!

Alisha: So many ways.

Melonie: Her wonder cave.

Alisha: Yes.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Zucchini.

Alisha: Mm-hmm!

Melonie: “What is keeping them apart?”

Sarah: Cinnamon.

[Laughter]

Sarah: We just talked about that! Were you not listening? So is anyone pitching today? Doing, like, pitch appointments?

Melonie: That was all this morning!

Sarah: Yeah?

Melonie: I was helping with that. It was pretty intense! Was anyone there?

Sarah: Oh, just being in the room made my stomach hurt, and I’m not pitching anything. You know, except bad ideas and –

Melonie: Didn’t, did anybody pitch?

Sarah: – suspicious, suspicious assemblies of wine.

Melonie: Did you get requests? Woohoo!

[Cheers, applause]

Sarah: What about you? Did you get requests?

Guest: I did!

[Cheers]

Alisha: Yay!

Sarah: More books, more books! That’s what I am pitching for. All right, Melonie, you go first.

Melonie: Sure. So what is keeping them apart? A shoehorn. Which makes no sense, because you use a shoehorn to pry things apart, right? Yes? No?

Sarah: My shoehorn, no –

Alisha: Or put it back in?

Melonie: Or put it back in?

[Laughter]

Melonie: That did not go –

Guest: Wow, I didn’t need that.

[Laughter]

Melonie: What is keeping them apart? An elderly busybody.

Sarah: Oh man!

Alisha: Ohhh, that’s legit. Small town –

Melonie: Yeah, totes, yeah.

Alisha: Well, no, usually they bring ‘em together, though.

Melonie: In the end.

Alisha: ‘Cause they’re quirky!

Melonie: Yeah.

Alisha: How did, how did he lose his virginity? Fade to black.

Sarah: Oooh.

Alisha: Those are books. How did he lose his virginity? As you wish. Oh, that’s like femme-dom! That’s, like, cool!

Sarah: Scarlet, we’re here for you.

Melonie: That’s Scarlet’s; yeah, she is here for this. [Laughs]

Alisha: Yeah! I like that.

Sarah: All right. Melonie, what’s your choice?

Melonie: Oh, an elderly busybody.

Sarah: All right. What’s keeping them apart?

Melonie: Oh, sorry. What is keeping them apart?

Sarah: Elderly busybody.

Melonie: Yes.

Sarah: How did he lose his virginity?

Alisha: How did he lose his virginity? I think as you wish.

Sarah: All right! Applause for busybodies.

[Applause]

Sarah: As you wish.

[More applause]

Melonie: That was pretty awesome. I like that.

Sarah: That could make, like, if you redid The Princess Bride with, like, a heavy kink element?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Because, by the way, I, I

Alisha: I’m sure someone’s done that. [Laughs]

Sarah: I recently watched that with my kids, who are ten and twelve –

Alisha: Aw!

Sarah: – and I was, like, sitting there on my phone like, were, were Humperdinck and Count What’s-His-Face banging?

Guest: Yes.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Right?

Alisha: Yeah. For sure.

Sarah: Tyrone, I love to watch you work, and I was like, what?! How did I miss that? There is some seriously hot undercurrent of sexual tension –

Alisha: Mm-hmm?

Sarah: – between Chris Sarandon and –

Alisha: What’s-His-Face.

Sarah: – Jamie Lee Curtis’s husband, who’s in all the improv-y things.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I know he’s – okay, he’s Baron Haden-Guest! Christopher Guest, thank you. There is seriously smoldering sexual tension, and I’m just like, is anyone else picking this up? My, my husband and kids are like, yeah!

Melonie: I guess? No, it’s real.

Sarah: All right, we need a person for a chair. Ma’am, come on down. Another Sarah! Is everyone Sarah? I love this. This is great. All right, does anyone want to fold their cards? Is everyone happy with their hands? You want to restart? Okay. So you need a card

Guest: I feel like this is –

Sarah: – also need a card. And I’m going to trip on myself. You need a card. Hi! All right!

Melonie: This is a Julia Quinn quote, which is awesome, because –

Sarah: Yeah! So those of you who came in late, at the start of the podcast I learned that there is going to be a Shonda Rhimes collaboration with Netflix to bring the Bridgerton series to Netflix as a television show.

Guest: [Gasps!] No!

Sarah: Swear to God.

Guest: No!

Melonie: There is some –

Guest: My life!

Sarah: Oh yeah, I’ve lost all my free time.

Guest: Oh God, I’m not going to see the light of day for, like, two weeks!

Melonie: You have time to, you know, block off your calendar.

Sarah: You’ve got time!

Alisha: It, it’ll be a while. That’s okay; it’s okay.

Guest: No, it’s not.

Alisha: Just plan for it.

Sarah: Shonda Rhimes –

Melonie: She’s shook right now, so we need to wait for a little bit.

Alisha: [Laughs]

Sarah: You okay?

Alisha: You want to take a minute? Get some wine?

Guest: I’m not going to survive this. Like, that’s been my favorite series since I was but a wee thing.

Alisha: Aw!

Melonie: Well, you’ve got to answer the question here. So Julia, Julia Quinn quote: “You always get more respect when you don’t have _____.”

Alisha: Mine is “I got ninety-nine problems, but _____ ain’t one.”

[Laughter]

Alisha: Okay. Well – [laughs]

Melonie: Yeah, she’s going to give it to me. What you got? I never could pronounce those words. Pelisse, right?

Guest: No idea.

Melonie: Historical people, yes, pelisse?

Sarah: Pelisse, right?

Melonie: I know what it is; I just don’t know how to pronounce it.

Sarah: The thing that the heroine always puts on, and then it rains, and she’s cold, and she gets a cold, and then she almost dies? It’s a pelisse, right?

Alisha: Yeah. I don’t know what it looks like, but yeah. I got ninety-nine problems, but the happy trail ain’t one.

[Laughter]

Sarah: You know, that is my biggest frustration with all of the waxed man chests? Yo, the happy trail is sexy, and they’re all waxed off! Like, what is that?

Wax Lady Guest: I can actually, like – I work at a wax center, hi.

[Laughter]

Melonie: Tell us more.

Alisha: Take the mic. We want to all, everyone should share.

Sarah: Yeah, we’re, we’re going to take a break now for waxing.

Alisha: We just need Waxing 101.

Wax Lady: Hi! So there are actually options to this. You can do just the chest; you can leave the happy trail; it can all be yours, ladies!

[Laughter]

Melonie: What is the most popular request? Like, do you have –

Alisha: From a man, yeah. What’s the most popular?

Wax Lady: Oh, from a man?

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: A wave of ecstasy?

Wax Lady: God, I wish.

[Laughter]

Wax Lady: No. So, not to break all your little hearts, unfortunately, it is a full back. However, I maintain, I maintain, because most of the time, no, most of the time we get women coming in, getting their Brazilians waxed for the first time, and they’re, most of the time the comment is, oh, my boyfriend wants this done, and I sit there and go, do you want this done? No, but my boyfriend does. Okay, so what you do is you drag his ass in here, and we’ll do him too! And then you will get it done!

[Applause]

Wax Lady: Anything that he wants done, he should be willing to do himself!

Melonie: Make him do it first.

Wax Lady: Also yes. He should, he should do it first, and then if he’s still willing to do that afterwards, then you get it done, and then it’s a fair thing! And then he can stop whining at you about it!

Melonie: Awesome!

Sarah: Who cries more about the pain, men or women?

Wax Lady: Men!

Melonie: Oh yeah.

Wax Lady: Every single time!

Alisha: Oh, for sure.

Melonie: That is not a surprise.

Wax Lady: Although we had – [laughs] – we had one, we had one man come in, and it was a firefighter, and he was coming in to get waxed because he was going, he was auditioning for the firefighter calendar here in Denver, and he was getting everything waxed. I have not heard such the high-pitched scream –

[Laughter]

Wax Lady: – since my little sisters were but wee, little things, and I was hunched over on the desk laughing when he came out, and he was like, are you okay? And I’m like, yeah, are you? Oh, I felt so bad. He got on the calendar!

Sarah: Was this a naked calendar? Like, did everything need to come off? Like –

Wax Lady: No, unfortunately.

Sarah: Down the southern valley and everything?

Alisha: Sudden valley?

Wax Lady: I wish.

Sarah: Southern!

Alisha: Oh!

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right.

Melonie: I’m stealing this story –

Wax Lady: Go for it! Feel free!

Alisha: Okay. Oh, wait, I have one more. I got ninety-nine problems, but a surprise virgin ain’t one.

Sarah: Who exactly is surprised?

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: Like, I thought I had lots and lots and lots of sex, but it turns out –

Alisha: Oh no!

Melonie: The hymen is still there! You always get more respect when you don’t have natural lubricant.

Sarah: Oh!

Melonie: What is with you and the chafing? Like –

[Laughter]

Melonie: You always get more respect when you don’t have a pelisse. Like, whatever the little historical thing that they put on.

Sarah: It’s basically a jacket that only covers your boobs. Right, it buttons –

Melonie: Like a, like a mini-shrug?

Alisha: Like, yeah, maybe like a cropped jacket?

Sarah: Like, it, it buttons here, and then everything else is just –

Alisha: Oh!

Sarah: It’s sort of like this, only with this part, like, up here, and I would be much more modest.

Guest:  Like a bolero jacket, a shrug.

Sarah: A bolero jacket, yes, thank you.

Alisha: Is Teresa here?

Sarah: Teresa!

Alisha: Ah.

Teresa: Yep.

Alisha: Will you confirm that? You’re, like, our historical – [laughs] – oh!

Melonie: The spencer is longer, that I know.

Teresa: No, the spencer is short.

Melonie: Is it? Never mind; don’t listen to me; I don’t write historical.

Alisha: Sorry to put you on the spot.

Teresa: I have to look it up.

Alisha: Okay, okay, all right.

Sarah: Hold on, hold on –

Alisha: Nobody’s – it’s fine.

Sarah: – Google has been consulted.

Alisha: Yeah, ‘cause –

Sarah: So Google is going to tell you you have meningitis.

Melonie: So pelisse is long.

Sarah: So pelisse is a –

Alisha: Pelisse is long.

Teresa: So the spencer is –

Alisha: Oh, so the spencer – okay.

Melonie: Spencer is – oh, like, we have all just been educated!

Alisha: – all learning stuff today!

Sarah: [Sings] The More You Know! [whispers] Star! Okay!

Melonie: But anyways, according to this quote, you get more respect when you don’t have one, so.

Sarah: Okay. So which is your choice, Alisha?

Alisha: I got ninety-nine problems – oh man!

Sarah: It’s a hard choice.

Melonie: They’re both good.

Alisha: Oh man!

Melonie: [Whispers] She’s going to win this round! Spoiler alert, yeah.

Alisha: I got ninety-nine problems, but the happy trail ain’t one.

[Laughter]

Melonie: And I’m going to go with the thing we didn’t know what it was. You, you always get more respect when you don’t have a pelisse.

Sarah: [Hums a few notes] Okay! A pelisse?

[Applause]

Sarah: Respect?

Melonie: [Laughs] Thank you for the, you know.

Sarah: Ninety-nine problems, but the happy trail ain’t one.

[Cheers, applause]

Sarah: All right! Come on, Dawn, and pick your praise! You did it! Yay! You did it! Hurray!

Alisha: This was a very educational round! We learn so much together!

Melonie: Yeah!

Sarah: All right –

Alisha: Oh my God!

Melonie: This one is way too long, man.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Wait a minute! How many Sarahs are here? We have a lot – one, two, three, four – that’s a lot of – five Sarahs!

Guest: Are you a librarian, though?

[Chatter]

Other guest: – library in college.

Sarah: So Sarahs in the room: were you one of several Sarahs in your classes in elementary school?

Other Sarah: Oh yeah, I was one of four Sarahs.

Alisha: Aw!

Another Sarah: We had a conversation about this, like, yesterday.

Yet Another Sarah: We actually had a conversation about this exact topic yesterday, about all the Sarahs and –

Our Sarah: There’s a lot of Sarahs, y’all, a lot of Sarahs.

Guest: – way too old for that.

Our Sarah: Sorry. All right!

Melonie: This is actually perfect, so: “The most popular workshop at RWA Nationals will be a presentation on _____.” And we didn’t write this one specially for today; it was –

Sarah: Oh, good!

Melonie: – in the pack.

Sarah: You must have had so much fun writing this game.

Melonie: It was fun, yeah!

Sarah: Seriously, you should Kickstart the [pause] out of this game.

Guest: I would play this every day.

Sarah: Would you buy a copy of this game? I would buy this –

Alisha: Yeah! I would in a minute!

Sarah: Or if you want, you can, like, just make a bunch of sets and I will buy them. And then give them to people.

Alisha and Melonie: Aw!

Sarah: I think actually you gave me two, and I gave away one on the site, and whoever got it –

Melonie: You know what, you’re right, yeah. Yeah.

Sarah: And whoever won it was like, oh my God, this is amazing!

Melonie: I –

Sarah: You –

Melonie: Oh my gosh, ahh!

Sarah: You’re the other person who has the game? Oh my gosh!

Melonie: And she’s here, so she does actually like it!

Sarah: Ohhh!

Christine: It’s, like, four years ago! Hello!

Melonie: Yeah.

Sarah: All right, Alisha.

Alisha: So this is a quote from someone named Sarah Wendell, whatever. It’s from the blog post “10 Things I Hate About Sex (Scenes).” “It’s a vagina, not _____.”

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right!

Melonie: Okay.

Sarah: Oh my goodness.

Melonie: – going to ask, like, a question? [Laughter]

Sarah: All right.

Guest: I don’t know why that’s in there!

Melonie: This could get really educational!

Sarah: All right, Melonie, whatcha got?

Melonie: I’m just thinking about how educational this could get if we had the right person to talk about this.

Guest: I can’t help on this one.

Melonie: [Laughs] The most popular workshop at RWA Nationals will be a presentation on circumcision.

Sarah: Or I can help with that. And?

Melonie: The most popular workshop at RWA Nationals will be a presentation on bodice rippers.

Alisha and Sarah: Oooh!

Alisha: It’s a vagina, not family sagas.

[Laughter]

Alisha: It’s a vagina, not Stockholm syndrome.

Sarah: Oh my God!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Scarlet, you’ve got plot ideas right now. He doesn’t want to leave! Oh my God!

Melonie: She’s kidnapped his…

Sarah: Oh my Lord. All right, Melonie –

Melonie: All right –

Sarah: – which one are you going with?

Guest:  There to stay.

Melonie: The most popular workshop at RWA Nationals will be a presentation on circumcision.

Sarah: Yes, of course it will!

Alisha: I mean, it’s definitely not Stockholm syndrome, so we’re going to go with that. We’re going to go with that.

Sarah: Okay. This is going to be a tough one, y’all. Circumcision –

[Applause]

Sarah: Vagina Stockholm syndrome.

[Laughter, applause]

Melonie: That’s hilarious!

Sarah: Winner, come on over and pick your prize. All right.

Melonie: “In order to survive her time on the pirate ship, our heroine must pretend to be _____.”

Alisha: “The safeword is _____.”

[Laughter]

Sarah: The safeword is cinnamon!

Guest: That would actually be a great safeword!

Sarah: Do you guys remember the season of –

Melonie: This is not going to help her!

Sarah: – Desperate Housewives –

[Indistinct chatter]

Sarah: – where she wanted the safeword to be, like, Palestine?

Melonie: What?

Alisha: What?

Sarah: So the first season of Desperate Housewives – I only watch one season of things, ‘cause I’m terrible at watching TV – you’ll, this week’s, today’s podcast is all about how Amanda and I are bad at watching television, and I spoil the 1986 Beauty and the Beast TV show, so if you’ve never seen it and you want to watch Ron Perlman as a cat-man, don’t listen ‘cause I –

Alisha: Ron Perlman was a cat-man.

Sarah: Oh my God, it was –

Alisha: Is that Ron Perlman?

[Gasps]

Sarah: It was, did you know that that was written by George R. R. Martin?

Alisha: What?

Sarah: Yes! He wrote Beauty and the Beast!

Alisha: Ohhh!

Guest: He what?

Sarah: Yes! Oh my God, I loved that show so much.

Other guest: Wait, he actually finished something?

Sarah: Yes!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Well, see, what happened is actually Linda Hamilton left the show ‘cause she needed to go kill robots, and so they decided that in the show that was *a romance* they would kill her off, and that’s a good solution.

Alisha: Aw!

Sarah: This is the show, this is the show that scarred me for life. But anyway, on the first season of Desperate Housewives, Bree, who was played by Marcia Cross with the red hair, her husband was secretly kinky, and she’s like, I’m going to be a supportive wife; I’m going to be kinky with you, and he’s like, okay, so you need a safeword, and she uses, like, something stupid like bubblegum. He’s like, no, it has to be serious, and she goes, okay. Palestine.

[Laughter]

Sarah: It was terrible. All right, ladies. Alisha?

Alisha: The safeword is rippling abs. Or the safe –

Guest: Rrrrr!

Alisha: – the safeword is circus acts.

[Laughter]

Sarah: That would be a request!

Alisha: Yeah! Trapeze!

Melonie: In order to survive her time on the pirate ship, our heroine must pretend to be an earth-shattering orgasm.

[Laughter]

Alisha: Like a walking orgasm? [Laughs]

Guest: I don’t know!

Melonie: But it’s, it’s, it’s critical to her survival.

Guest: Right!

Alisha: Okay, all right! Hide in plain sight!

Sarah: What’s wrong her? Dude, I don’t know.

Melonie: In order to survive her time on the pirate ship, our heroine must pretend to be covered in chocolate.

[Laughter]

Melonie: Because those pirates be hungry.

Guest: It technically comes from a tree, so –

Sarah: Or lactose intolerant, you never know.

Melonie: I’m, I’m going with covered in chocolate! [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah, okay! Alisha? The safeword is?

Alisha: The safeword is circus acts.

Sarah: All right. Circus acts?

[Applause]

Sarah: Covered in chocolate.

[Applause, laughter]

Sarah: All right. Before they kick us out of this room, one more round. Duh-duh-duh!

Guest: Ooh, our last one!

Melonie: Pressure, pressure!

[Indistinct chatter]

Sarah: One more card!

Melonie: So this is actually a, a great question, ‘cause it’s just so trope: “What does Man smell like?” Man with a capital M.

[Laughter]

Guest: It’s the best card I have; by God, I’m using it!

Alisha: “Not that he measured, but it’s bigger than _____.”

[Laughter]

Melonie: These are actually, like, in tandem, so all right. What does Man smell like? Teh butt secks.

Sarah: I don’t know that you want to smell like that, but okay.

Melonie: [Laughs] Sorry. Sorry, you smell like ass! Because –

Sarah: And what’s the other one?

Melonie: What does Man smell like? Going down.

Alisha: Ohhh!

Sarah: That’s, that’s for DJ Khaled.

[Laughter]

Alisha: Not that he measured, but it’s bigger than immortals.

Sarah: Lives forever, baby.

Melonie: It’s everlasting!

Alisha: It’s everlasting. There can be only one.

[Laughter]

Alisha: Not that he measured, but it’s bigger than overly developed trapezius muscles.

[Laughter]

Alisha: It is, like, so, they are so big on the covers!

Melonie: Your, your trapezius muscles are –

Alisha: In the back? Oh, it’s those.

Melonie: The traps.

Alisha: Okay, the traps.

Guest: So an overdeveloped trapezius muscle is what happens when, like, you see someone with no neck.

Alisha: Ohhh!

Guest: Like, that’s what it does. It, it eliminates the neck.

Melonie: It’s like my trainer at the gym.

[Laughter]

Guest: It’s the scary people –

Sarah: All right, Alisha?

Alisha: Let’s, let’s make it bigger than his traps.

Sarah: All right.

Alisha: Yeah.

Melonie: Mm. ‘Cause I don’t want a man who smells like ass. I mean –

Guest: I didn’t have any better card!

Melonie: [Laughs] And, I mean, if he’s going down, then, you know, so a man, what does a Man smell like? Going down.

Alisha: Mm, yeah.

Sarah: All right. Going down.

[Applause]

Sarah: Bigger than a man with giant trapezius muscles.

[Applause]

Sarah: Yeah, all right.

Melonie: I think they, I think they’re all winners of this last one, yeah.

Alisha: Everyone’s a winner!

Sarah: Ladies who are still seated up front, please come pick a prize if you would like on.

Guest: Thank you! Yeah!

Sarah: I’m so glad you guys came, and thank you so much for coming to our live show!

Melonie: Thanks to the audience!

Sarah: Typically when I do one, I do it like a very casual Q and A, and we have, like, five more minutes. If anyone has questions, you can ask me anything, and if you don’t have questions, don’t feel bad; it’s totally cool. I’ll just start winding microphone cables. Yes, ma’am!

Elizabeth: Gee, Sarah, what are you reading right now?

Sarah: Gee, Sarah, what am I reading right now?

Bunch of guests: Ohhh!

Sarah: Thank you, Elizabeth.

[Laughter]

Sarah: You know, I ask this question of guests, and I’m like, I prepare them in advance, because if I don’t they’re like, uh… All right, so I’m actually reading a book that was free on Prime Day that is a memoir about someone who went to the Azores Islands with a bunch of people from California. I love travel memoirs. I like travel porn; love travel porn. I finished on the plane A Taste of Pleasure by Chloe Blake, and I would like everyone to thank my brain for remembering the title correctly. I’m really proud of my brain!

[Applause]

Sarah: It is a Harlequin Kimani. It is so good! So I’ll give you five things about this book: the heroine is a size 16, Michelin-starred chef, but she’s a ghost-chef; a dude is taking credit for her stars and her names aren’t, name is not on them?

Melonie: [Whispers] Asshole!

Sarah: Fuck that guy.

Melonie: Yes.

Sarah: Her mother is a former supermodel and gets a job by beating out Naomi Campbell for that job, and at one point at the beginning of the book she says, I slept with David Bowie, for God’s sake! We are not normal people. Third, third thing about this book: the hero is a restaurateur and wine vinner, vineyard ownyer, owner – bl-bl-bleah – from Italy, and he thinks he is the hottest thing and is not here for all of this. Nonononono, you’re not fat; like, stop. You’re amazing. There’s so much food porn. There’s so much food porn, and it takes place in Milan and in the country and there’s travel porn, and the thing about, that I loved the most about it is that the conflict is sustained because of real things, and it’s not like, oh, I have feelings, and I can’t tell you! They’re like, no, we really want to bone, and it’s very inconvenient.

[Laughter]

Sarah: And it’s super enjoyable, and it’s perfect plane reading. So A Taste of Pleasure by Chloe Blake: it is a Kimani, it is brand-new, and I really liked it.

Alisha: May, may I, may I interrupt with what I just read that I loved?

Sarah: Yes?!

Alisha: Okay, it’s not technically a romance, but it’s from a beloved romance alumnus. Victoria Dahl now writes as Victoria Stone.

Sarah: [Gasps] Oh my God, I made you read this book.

Alisha: She made me read this book. I had it, and I, I was, like, putting it off. It comes out August 1st. It’s called Jane Doe, and if you’re worried if it ends, like, happily, it ends, you’ll be happy when it ends, but –

Sarah: Not like, oh my God –

Melonie: Not like that –

Melonie and Sarah: – it’s over!

Alisha: Yeah. [Laughs] Like, it’s not going to be like, ugh, why did I read this? I feel terrible. Like, you’re going to feel good when it ends, but it is, it’s from the point of view of this woman who’s a sociopath, like diagnosed a sociopath, and she is back in town to avenge, like, this woman who was, as close as she could, like, feel to love, she felt for this woman, and she felt it very deeply, and it was her best friend, and, and the best friend died, so she’s back to avenge her death by, like, just tearing this man, like breaking him down into pieces. It really gets into –

Sarah: He deserves it, by the way.

Alisha: He deserves it. No, no, he’s not, like, a good guy, and, and it really, I think, taps into our, our zeitgeist of anger right now. It’s great. Just read the book; it’s coming out in, like, a week. Pre-order it right now. It’s, you will very much appreciate it.

Sarah: And it is first person point of view.

Alisha: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: You are in her head, and you’re like, oh, it feels really good to be in the head of someone who feels no shame or guilt or remorse for things.

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: This is amazing, and –

Alisha: She feels nothing, and it’s very logical and cold, but, like, you understand her.

Sarah: And she uses abuser tactics to bait and trap the abuser.

Alisha: Yeah, it’s very good. Go, go read it immediately.

Sarah: And in the week it comes out –

Alisha: It’s by, her, she’s –

Sarah: Victoria Helen Stone –

Alisha: Yes.

Sarah: – Jane Doe.

Alisha: And if you haven’t read her Victoria Dahl romances, you should read those as well. D-A-H-L.

Sarah: One of them is, one of them features a character that readers call Cunnilingus Gabe.

Alisha: Yeaahh. Yeah.

Sarah: Melonie, what are you reading right now?

Melonie: Well, I’m all about audiobooks, because that’s the only time I seem to be able to read, plus listening lets me turn off my writer brain? So I’m actually listening to Kylie Scott, her, her Dive Bar series. The first book is Dirty, and –

Sarah: Oooh.

Melonie: – it’s super hot, and it is first person, but it’s also a plus-size heroine, and the hero is awesome about, like, same kind of thing, like, don’t, stop it; you’re incredibly gorgeous and hot and – it’s, yeah, so fun, dirty, just like its title.

Sarah: Do you want an audiobook recommendation?

Melonie: I do!

Sarah: Okay, so Lauren Blakely’s Wanderlust is dual narrator, and the male narrator is Richard Armitage? And he’s –

Melonie: [Gasps] I love dual narrations, so yes.

Sarah: – and, and he speaks French.

Guest: Ah!

Melonie: You’re selling me. [Laughs]

Sarah: So don’t be, like, drinking anything when you listen, ‘cause you’ll choke.

Melonie: [Laughs]

Sarah: Ask me how I know!

[Laughter]

Melonie: Okay.

Sarah: Does anyone have any other questions to ask at the end? Thank you guys so much for coming to the live show. You guys are so great! Thank you!

[Applause, cheers]

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of our RWA 2018 live show. I hope you enjoyed our live playing of Cards Against Romance Tropes. It is one of my favorite games, and it is sad that there’s only eight in existence. I hope someday it gets created for mass ridiculous consumption. Thank you again to Stephanie Fry and Carol Ritter at RWA, to Alisha Rai, Melonie Johnson, and everyone who came to join us in the audience and as contestants in our live show. You guys made the game very, very fun.

This podcast episode and the transcript for this episode are being brought to you by Half Empty by New York Times and USA Today bestselling author Catherine Bybee. Trina Petrov unexpectedly becomes one of the wealthiest women in the world after her marriage-by-contract ends with her husband’s apparent suicide, but all that money won’t help her heal any faster. So on that terrible first anniversary, she takes a trip to Venice, swearing that she’ll entertain the temptation of plenty of food and wine, but absolutely zero men. When she’s stuck in a hotel bar on the way home, a handsome and very charming stranger strikes up a conversation in the bar. When he introduces himself, she has no idea who he is, a fact that he finds incredibly alluring. To everyone else in his world, he’s Wade Thomas, a world-famous country singer who really needs time to be anonymous and to be himself. He offers Trina and her friend Avery a ride home on his plane. But when Avery is attacked after helping Trina sort through her late husband’s belongings, Wade and Trina begin unraveling a mystery that points at one conclusion: someone wants Trina dead immediately. Wade isn’t about to let that happen, and he’s not letting Trina out of his sight until the danger is gone. Half Empty by Catherine Bybee is published by Montlake Romance and available now at Amazon.com.

We have a podcast Patreon, and I would humbly invite you to take a look at it! Patreon.com/SmartBitches is where you can find different levels to support the show, starting with a dollar a month. Each patron helps me commission transcripts for older episodes and helps me develop questions for upcoming interviews, so if you are interested, I invite you to take a look: patreon.com/SmartBitches.

And if you are hanging out with me each week and you’re thinking, I would also like to support the show, there’s a very easy way to do that. You can leave a review wherever you listen. You can tell a friend. You can subscribe. But if you are making sure that we are part of your podcast queue each week, thank you. I’m really honored to be part of your collection, and I hope you enjoy each episode.

The music that you are listening to is provided by Sassy Outwater. This is Enter the Haggis, and this track is called “Lancaster Gate.” You can find Enter the Haggis on their website, enterthehaggis.com, and you can find their music on Amazon, iTunes, and wherever you by your funky, funky music.

As always, I will have links to all of the books that we mentioned and to several of the games we mentioned. Like I said, alas, Cards Against Romance Tropes is not available for public purchase. And if you’re interested in maybe doing another live game with me, email me at sbjpodcast@gmail.com or Sarah with an H at smartbitchestrashybooks dot com [Sarah@smartbitchestrashybooks.com] and let me know where you are and whether you think that would be fun. Maybe I’ll do some more live ridiculousness, because that was really entertaining, and I had a great time, and I hope you liked listening to it.

Coming up on the site this coming week I have many, many things. So starting with this weekend, tomorrow, which would be the 28th – look at me, I know the date! – we are doing our monthly expensive, terrible, wonderful thread called Whatcha Reading? where we ask you what you’re reading, and then everyone answers, and we all buy lots of books. It’s great fun! Next week, we have Cover Snark, the Bachelorette recap of the finale, and Elyse is, well, she’s still in, and she’s trying to make it through to the end, and I think the Rose God might be looking at her as his next sacrifice. We also have, on August 1st, Hide Your Wallet, where we talk about some of the books that are coming out this month that we are very excited about, and Elyse and I have a co-review of a book that we mentioned during this episode, so you’ll be learning more about it. All that, plus books on sale every day, and I hope that you’ll stop by the site and hang out with us, ‘cause like I said, there’s a site that goes with the podcast. It’s pretty cool, right?

And now, bad joke time. You ready for a bad joke? This is particularly terrible. All right, this is from Stupidsexyf1anders on Reddit.

What do you call a single piece of corn?

Give up? What do you call a single piece of corn?

A unicorn.

[Laughs] It’s so dumb! I love it!  A unicorn. Okay. All right, well, I hope that was at least as, half as amusing as it was for me. A unicorn! [Laughs more] Okay. I’m going to have to stop being so amused by my own terrible jokes. I mean, they’re not even my jokes! I just go find them and laugh, and then I’m like, oh, I’m going to tell the podcast, and they’re going to hate this joke! [Laughs] All right. Unicorn!

On behalf of everyone who attended the live show, Alisha Rai, Melonie Johnson, and myself, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you next week. Maybe with a unicorn.

[groovy music]