We’re almost at thirty seasons of this shit y’all.
I remember back in the early days of The Bachelor when the The Bachelor had some kind of career or was like an actual prince of something, and wasn’t just someone recycled through the weird social media/influencer microcosm that this franchise has become.
Anyway, my recap partner for this season is Muzzy.
AKA Muzzarina Louise April Princess Scrembalina Dainty Toes.
Muzzy originally came from a hoarding situation and wasn’t doing fantastic in our shelter environment. She stuck to the highest level of the cat tree and hid from everyone, except for when she appeared to bitch slap rambunctious kittens. She loved my husband, though, and would climb into his arms whenever he was there.
So we brought her home to see how she would do and much to our surprise after 24 hours she’d perfectly acclimated to our house. She wasn’t hiding, she was playing and exploring, and she gets so excited when she gets chicken that she gets what we call “chicken zoomies.” She doesn’t meow; she squeaks and meeps. She’s also the smallest of our cats at not quite 7lbs, but hands down the bravest. She growls at plumbers and bathroom remodelers and then demands to be involved in whatever they’re doing while the boys hide under the bed.
Also surprisingly, she fell in love with our incredibly dumb cat Fisher.
Fisher has two braincells competing for third place and both are coming in fourth.
Muzzy loves him.
He doesn’t understand what’s going on but snuggles and grooms her anyway. They eat out of the same bowl, they walk with their tails entwined, and we now call Fish “Big Dumb Boyfriend” because that’s exactly what he is.
So now that you’ve met Muzzy, it’s time to get started.
This season’s Bachelor is Grant who is thirty and from Houston, TX. I know he was on The Bachelorette but I’ve forgotten everything about him already.
Grant talks about his parents failed marriage (his dad was an addict and his mom threw herself into work to cope) and how they really didn’t have a “normal” family dynamic. For example, they never ate meals together. He gets really emotional when he talks about getting married and having that traditional family he’s always dreamed of and for a horrible moment I wonder if he’s actually buying into this.
Muzzy: Eep.
The parade of limos starts and none of it is memorable.
We meet Dina who is from a big Romanian family in Chicago. She’s an attorney, and Grant seems pretty dazzled by her right away.
J’Nae seems confused by the fact that there are a lot of women there competing for the same guy and…girl, have you not seen this show before?
One contestant was going to compete for Miss Dominican Republic and instead decided to come on the show.
Muzzy: Big Dumb Boyfriends are important…but not that important.
Then Alexe comes up the recently hosed down driveway leading a “No Drama Llama.”
One of the other contestants asks if you can ride a llama and …
Muzzy: That llama looks delicious.
The llama’s name is Linda, BTW and we’re all Team Linda now.
Also, there’s a hilarious student film called Llamageddon that I think might still be free on Amazon Prime and I totally recommend watching it and laughing till you have to pee.
Natalie was spit on by a llama once and wants nothing to do with Linda, so obviously they’re going to have to go on a two-on-one date in the near future.
Sarafiena shows up with a six foot cutout of Grant’s head.
Muzzy: HISSSSS
Once the group is assembled on the drinking couches, Grant asks them what love means to them, and it’s apparent that the women are drunk-panicking because they didn’t think there would be a quiz.
The first kiss of the night goes to Allyshia.
Linda is APPALLED.
Juliana gets the next kiss.
Muzzy: JUSTICE FOR LINDA!
Then a limo pulls up and we get BIG DRAMATIC SCARY MUSIC.
Out steps Grant’s sister, but all the contestants are freaking out thinking it’s his ex.
One of the women says she walked out “vagina first” and I’m having a hard time picturing how that would work.
She shows the women embarrassing childhood photos of Grant. Somewhere Linda is just clearing off that buffet while no one is watching.
Muzzy: You eat those meatballs, girl.
Then we get MORE dramatic music and it’s time for the first impression rose.
Jesse reveals that the person who gets the first impression rose will also be going on the first one-on-one date.
Muzzy: TEAM LINDA.
The first impression room goes to Alexe because I guess you can give the rose to the person who brought the llama, but not the llama herself.
BUMMER.
Muzzy: I’m writing a letter to ABC.
Alexe says she can’t feel her legs. THAT’S A MEDICAL EMERGENCY, ALEXE.
Then we cut straight to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.
Christina, J’Nae, Kelsey, Kyleigh, Neicey, Radhika and Savannah go home.
That’s it. Are you watching? Or are you reading the recaps with me and Muzzy?
Bonus question: What are the names you call your pets? Like, all of the names?
