My husband, Rich, wanted me to wait until he got home to recap this episode because said the first episode is always the best one. That’s like picking the best turd out of the litterbox.
In case this is your first time reading one of my recaps I have a theory regarding The Bachelor.
No one wants to win this show.
You want to stay on it long enough to enjoy the free booze, free travel, and female friendships and then go home. That’s why Big Brother boasts more successful marriages than this franchise.
We open with a shot of this season’s Bachelor, Joey, crying on a beach while a limo drives away.
Well, that was a quick season.
Oh no. Then we flash back two months.
It’s time for the parade of limos. Jesse tells us there are more women on this season than any other. Oh joy.
Maria is from Canada and she waves a little Canadian flag, which is blurred out. Canada, sweet, polite Canada refuses to be part of this shit.
Then we find out sisters Allison and Lauren are both on the show. They have decided to not tell anyone, including Joey, that they’re related. I support Team Stir Shit Up.
For unknown reasons, Kyra, a paralegal, screams in his face.
I also support this.
Then Lea arrives. She was selected to be on the show in the last episode of last season’s Bachelorette. She was given a card she couldn’t open until tonight. She tells Joey to find her inside and they’ll open the card together.
Then it’s time for the cocktail portion and Joey kisses some people and it’s so boring.
The first person he kissed, Jess, interrupts another woman, Taylor, with him which is considered bad manners since she already had her time. Then we get our first “I’m not here to make friends.” Everyone take a shot!
Later Taylor asks to talk to Jess. There’s a lot tense music and not a lot of conversation, but I assume they’ll be enemies and we’ll have to revisit this shit.
Then Allison and Lauren tell people they’re sisters which is fine as long as they don’t tell Joey.
Later Lauren is talking to Joey and Allison pulls the “can I steal him for a second” thing.
Thanksgiving is gonna be real weird, y’all.
They do tell Joey they’re sisters then.
Lea opens her card and it says she can steal a one-on-one date from someone else. She starts crying because the other women are amazing and she doesn’t want to do that to them. This supports my theory that the women are here more for each other than this tool bag.
She tells the other women what the card says. She throws the card in the fire.
LOLOLOLOL to the producer who thought of this to create drama and has been rebuffed.
The first impression road goes to Lea.
Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.
They maximize drama by picking one sister first and the other last.
He sends home Chandler, Kayla, Lanie, Sam H, Talyah, Sandra, Zoe, Samantha, Kyra, and Natalie.
That’s it. Are you watching this season?
I refuse. I miss our dear, departed Lady Pudding’s commentary, though. Pudding 4ever!
I’m sure Madam Pudding would have had some choice commentary for the first episode. I’m always here for your recaps but I will not watch.
That last group photo looks like my niece’s collection of disney princess dolls (I’m on my phone so it’s zoomed out pretty far)
Not watching, in this house it’s all British baking show. Always enjoy your recaps! A+ reaction gifs
I’m here for the recaps. I missed them for the Golden Bachelor – because without your recaps I had no idea what everyone was talking about.
The only Bachelor-esque show I’m listening to is the spousal selection in “Sweep of the Heart”.
Never, ever watched any of these shows. I was always here for Lady Pudding’s comments. Now I am missing my kitty, Skinner, who left us two months ago.
Aw yeah, I was waiting for another recap! No, I’m not watching, I can’t take that much psychic damage in one sitting.
I am deeply amused by the idea that *checks notes* Maria said “my opening schtick is that I’m from Canada. Not even a Canadian stereotype, just–being from Canada,” and the actual Canadian government was like “Ok, hold your horses, let’s dial it back a notch.”
Interested (in the “I literally have nothing better to do” way) in what Allison & Lauren planned to do with their sister act. Did they think all the women on the show were going to be the same sort of generically photogenic that no one would recognize they’re obviously related? Did they set up telling the other women “don’t tell the guy we’re sisters” and then telling the guy anyway so there’s some drama down the road? Not gonna lie, I was mildly hoping for some secret sister spy ring where they share information with each other but are also playing against each other…but I suppose that requires there to be stakes in this game.
Good for Lea! No notes, I just think that was a good thing she did.
RIP Lady Pudding, your sass lives on forever in our hearts <3
I am so, so glad you’re back! When you didn’t show up for Golden Batchelor I was afraid you’d finally thrown in the towel.
I’m with Cleo and Gail. I don’t watch any shows in this franchise, and I rarely read the recaps, but I would have like some Golden Bachelor recaps.
I’m the weirdo who does watch the show, albeit with a bunch of like-minded smartasses. We bond over bad Botox, ill-fitting halter tops, and producer shenanigans.
SNL’s parodies and now these recaps are the closest I get to watching the show. The “just here for the booze and friends” theory is a good one!
AWe @Escapeologist, her dolls still have their clothes on? The barbie and princess dolls at my house are all naked and strewn about the floor, courtesy of my 3yo 😀