Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S27 E3: Why is He Always in the Shower?

It’s Bachelor night, and I shit you not, we open with a shot of Zach in the shower.

Again.

When the most compelling argument for dating a guy is regular personal hygiene, you have to admit that you don’t have a lot to work with.

Rich: Meanwhile, standing outside the open shower door, a member of the crew is crying silently because he went to Julliard.

Ignoring the show for a moment, it’s Pudding’s 17th birthday and she celebrated with naps in the sunshine and shredded pork for supper.

The first one-on-one date goes to Kaity.  They go to a museum at night where they run around with flashlights and actually, it looks like a lot of fun. Then again, The Field Museum is my happy place so maybe it’s just me.

“I’m someone who loves experiences,” Kaity says.

Are there people who don’t enjoy experiencing thing? Isn’t that just a majority of life? The Bachelor bringing the big philosophical questions to the table.

Zach and Kaity spend the night at the museum. There’s a tent with two beds in it, implying that they don’t bang because it’s not The Designated Banging Time.

Back at the McMansion, the other contestants fret that Kaity is not back yet. When she shows up the next morning holding a rose, there’s some disingenuous squealing.

Pudding: I will murder anyone who makes that noise near me. Also, more pork, please.

For the group date, they go to a football field where they are joined by former NFL players Shawne Merriman and Antonio Gates. The women are going to be completing in a game of tackle football to win a date with Zach.

Gabi gets hit hard and says she peed her pants a little bit.

The blue team wins and gets to go to the after party. Christina keeps talking about her one-on-one with Zach which annoys some of the other women.

Zach tells Charity, “I love your laugh,” and she says, “Me too!” and while this is funny it’s also something I would absolutely do and then want to die of embarrassment.

Back at the McMansion someone knocks on the door with a date card and one of the women (I can’t see who) shrieks and says, “OMG I’m never expecting it! My whole body just went cold!”

I’m not a doctor and I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn last night, but I feel like that’s not a great symptom to have.

It’s a box for Aly, who has the next one-on-one date. Inside is a wedding dress, and I think it’s worth pointing out how little attention this shows pays to its own contestants because Aly is a woman of color, and the dress is supposed to look sheer in places and the “skin tone” fabric is clearly for a White woman.

DO BETTER.

Back on the group date Christina continues to talk about her one-on-one and Brooklyn calls it malicious.

Bailey is annoyed and asks Zach if he feels a connection with her. He doesn’t reassure her, and then they are interrupted by another contestant. Bailey starts crying.

Later Zach confirms he doesn’t have feelings for her and sends her home. The other women are shocked. Zach gives the date rose to Charity.

“I just feel confused, I’m mad that it wasn’t me,” Christina says.

Brooklyn says she’s making everything about herself and hijacked Charity’s moment.

Some indeterminant amount of time later, Aly shows up at an air strip for her one-on-one. She and Zach are dressed to get married except they’ll be sky-diving in their fancy clothes. The wedding dress is actually a jumpsuit but the sheer panels still don’t match her skin tone.

Later they make out in a random hot tub. Aly gets the date rose.

The next day instead of a Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party, they have a pool party.

Zach says he’s going to “soft launch” his chest hair.

Ed. note: at this moment I snorted so loud I startled Katie and Wilbur, who would also like some pork, please.

Christina continues to annoy the other women.

Brianna says she feels like there might not be anything between her and Zach. She tells him she’s going home.

Before she leaves she tells him that Christina intimidates the other women and isn’t authentic.

We cut to a shot of a half-deflated beach ball floating in the pool. SUBTLE.

Zach asks to talk to Christina. He says he heard she’s being hurtful to the other women in the house.

Christina tearfully says she thinks it’s because she’s “more special” because she met Zach’s family and “it would be a mistake to believe this and I full-heartedly mean that.”

Zach says he’s “100% worried.”

The crying goes up to a pitch only dogs can hear. “Help me, help me, help me, you have to help me,” she says like she’s dangling off a cliff of something.

“This has all been thrust upon me,” Zach says.

This entire conversation is like a snippet from bad lip reading.

In private conversations, Brooklyn and Charity confirm that Christina was annoying and stole Charity’s “moment.” Christina meanwhile sobs while laying on a staircase.

Then Jesse comes out and dramatically states that Zach doesn’t feel like he can continue with the pool party.

Pudding: I’ve thrown up things more compelling than this show.

Also why are stairs designated crying places on this show? There are chairs right there. My back hurts watching this.

Then during the rose ceremony Zach fucks up and says, in regard to who goes home, “I don’t make these decisions,” before scrambling and adding, “I don’t make these decisions easy.” Easy. Not easily.

Yeah, we know it’s the producers, dude.

In the end Zach does send Christina home.

Are you watching?