Hey all! It’s time for some Cover Snark!
From Sarah: Neither road rash nor fatal head injuries are sexy.
Sarah: They need helmets and I need to know how big the bike is if the bear can ride, too.
Tara: I think this one might be so bonkers that I actually love it.
Sarah: Where does one get a bear-sized helmet?
Amanda: Okay but which one is actually the daddy biker bear?
From Carole: Is it just me, or is this ‘match my head/neck with some other dude’s body’??
Sarah: I love that it is my job to stare at my monitor and try to figure out if that head and that body match.
WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT A MINUTE.
Is the plot that the relationship between the head and the body are a friends-to-lovers romance? Is that the matching what’s in the title?!
…how would that work.
Again: this is my actual job and I am deeply enamored of it.
Carrie: When he goes topless in the library it’s “sexy” but when I do it it’s a “crime” where’s the justice
Another from Carole: Who in their right mind parks a wagon on a grade like that?? Have visions of Keystone Cops scene chasing the runaway wagon! I think it is supposed to say Blizzard Brides, but I saw BUZZARD BRIDES?
Amanda; I think Carole is onto something because the cover model is clearly crossing her fingers, maybe hoping her wagon won’t roll away.
Lara: Carole has gifted us with an embarrassment of riches!
Sarah: I know that this is cover snark, and the wagon is going to roll away in .02 seconds,, and I don’t think that hand originally belonged to her, but can I just say that I freaking love her gown? It looks so warm.
From Claire: I am a devoted reader of the Cover Snark posts (in addition to much of the rest of this site) and they brighten my day greatly. What is on his head? Is it multiple pairs of headphones? Is it two weirdly plasticky chocolate-peanut butter pudding things? What is with the eye patch? It looks like a giant egg sac that’s about to hatch a million space spiders. I don’t even want to address that creepy duck-insect made of weirdly steampunky materials on his shoulder. Is it some kind of parasite? Is it like the space version of a parrot?
Sarah: It DEFINITELY looks like he’s got holiday chocolates stuck to his head. Also I can’t decide if it says “for prairie” or “for privates.”
Carrie: More importantly why to pirates need a guide to alien abduction? Are they learning how to abduct aliens? Are they learning how to survive being abducted? If the latter, why are pirates singled out for abduction? The cover suggests that alien pirates are learning how to abduct…what? Headphones?
Sarah: Alien Abduction for Pirates definitely sounds like a For Dummies guide, doesn’t it?
Are YOU a Pirate who is Out of Work or looking for an Exciting New Opportunity? Have you considered ALIEN ABDUCTION
What an amazing collection of potential Glassdoor reviews.
Carrie: Are YOU an Alien Pirate Who is TIRED OF STEALING LATINUM? Try ABDUCTING instead with THIS SIMPLE GUIDE!
Self Help: Pirates Abducted By Aliens: Surviving the Trauma from A to ARRRRR
I read “Buzzard Brides” for #3 as well, and my first thought was “she’s crossing her fingers that the wagon will roll and crash” – either to escape becoming a bride or anticipating a buzzard feast on the contents.
To me ALIEN ABDUCTION FOR PIRATES looks like Princess Leia buns gone very, very wrong. This is why you always bring a photo of a new hairstyle to your stylist. Learn from Jill Q’s mistakes.
That daddy biker bear bears (haHA!!) an uncanny resemblance to Don Johnson. Just sayin’.
That Daddy Biker Bear cover is wonderful in every way. If I’m stressed today I’m going to look at it again and laugh some more. I love it.
Daddy Biker Bear: Looks to me like that bear is dead and stuffed. Dude might be as well (eyes suspiciously blank).
Alien Abduction: Those are definitely giant piped candies or icing swirls on his head. Gross. Also, why is he wearing brown lipstick? I’d rather read about the creature on his shoulder than about him.
I’m very, very curious about what the text on the side of the buzzard bride’s wagon says.
I mean, not more curious about that than I am about why the alien pirate’s tricolored horns match his steampunk parrot and not his skin tone, but I feel like the wagon is a mystery that can be solved and the purple pirate is unfathomable.
That biker daddy bear dude is cross-eyed.
Alien Abduction: I was so distracted by everything else on that cover, I totally missed the eyepatch. Had to scroll back up to confirm that he is indeed wearing one.
Daddy Biker Bear: Is this another series, also offering [Mommy] Biker Bear, [Uncle] Biker Bear, [Junior] Biker Bear and so on? But never mind that; I was suspicious enough to look it up, and learned that the typical weight limit on a motorcycle is around 350-450 pounds. Pretty sure we’re over that.
Match Me Up: Further research reveals that a library book cart–my small-town local library has several dozen of them, including the ones that congregate in back offices until the fire safety inspectors put their foot down–will run you anywhere from $150 to $600. Still a better deal than the orthopedic surgery in our weight lifter’s future.
Groom for Gracie: I’ve seen some odd series titles, but “Blizzard Brides” is, well, rather unexpectedly niche. And someone needs to tell the artist that (a) decent women did not set foot outside their homes without a hat and gloves, (b) intelligent women, regardless of virtue quotient, did not go out into a blizzard without a proper coat, muff optional, and (c) if you let a wool skirt trail in the snow like that, you’re going to be lugging around a LOT of excess weight. @Carole: That being the case, “Buzzard Bride” may indeed be her fate.
Alien Abduction: Raise your hand if your instant reaction upon scrolling to this point was “WTF?!” I also found myself glancing over to the ad column, because it would have been too perfect if the nearest ad had been for What the Parrot Saw.
I agree that Daddy Biker looks cross eyed at first glance, but when I zoomed in he doesn’t seem to have pupils? Wtf?
Every time I look at the Alien Abduction cover I pick up on something new. Horns that look like tri colored hair buns at first? Check. I didn’t even notice the parrot thing the first time. The fifth viewing had me scratching my head over his facial hair. Like what exactly is growing from his chin? That looks more like a moss than a beard.
This collection was all beautiful, but Alien Abduction for Pirates had me literally crying with laughter at my computer. Thank you all so much for the great start to a Monday!
I was curious about the alien/pirate and then I typed the title wrong (“by” instead of “for”) on Amazon. Now I know there’s an entire sub-genre of Alien Pirate romances and I am amazed. ALSO: so many of the covers are either cover snark candidates or I’m sure have already BEEN in cover snark. Wow.
Now I REALLY want a shifter series featuring buzzard brides.
There is a series – sort of 19th-century western – where some people are shifters and the one I read had a young woman who turned into a vulture.
And in regard to pirates – I recently came across the story of how Julius Caesar, as a young man, was captured by pirates. They were going to hold him for ransom and set 20 talents as his price; then he got offended that they thought that was all he was worth and talked them into making it 50 talents.
Alien Abduction
The stuff on his head is definitely Twizzlers Pull ‘n’ Peel Fruit Punch Flavor (google it you won’t be sorry!)
Someone needs to teach his bear to lean IN to curves.
ALIEN ABDUCTION FOR PIRATES……..looks like he’s wearing soft serve ice cream on his head.
I feel that the face of the poor cover model on the Alien Pirate book is begging “Please, more moss beard, more eye patches, more twizzler horns. I don’t want anyone to see my face.”
One of the two on the bike is a stuffed animal there to fool the cameras for the HOV lane. The other one (who thought the cameras needed to be fooled) hadn’t read the part of the driver’s manual allowing even single-rider ‘cycles in the HOV lane.
The lack of helmet and riding gear indicate that the human hadn’t read the manual… or the human is the stuffed animal. (Everybody knows bears don’t read traffic manuals.)
Daddy Biker Bear – I had to wonder why an in his prime Dave Navarro is riding a motorcycle shirtless with a bear. Undiscovered music video footage?
Match Me up – it would be a decent cover if not for the unfortunate neck/head does not match body and may actually reject said body. But who knew all he needed was to haul around 8 hardcover textbooks?
Groom for Gracie – is the groom hogtied in the wagon? Don’t let him wheel away
Abduction for Pirates – Ok who let the alien pirate use Cinnbons for the Leia side buns?
The Match Me Up Unmatched Guy has a Jeff Goldblum-esque smirk and brings up the memory of him in the open shirt at Jurassic Park (that always weirded me out, for some reason. I think because Jurassic Park, y’know? Lots of insects. BIG insects.) I now can’t unsee him in a library, bare to the waist. Not exactly sure how to feel about that.
As regards Alien Abduction for Pirates, I see a dumbbell in his hair!
Thank you all for the laughs.
Alien Abduction for Pirates–you know when your kid gets hold of your device and does weird stuff, I think that’s how they came up with that cover art. A three-year-old did it.
A Groom for Gracie–That wagon would not keep you warm in a blizzard. If you’re stranded in a cabin, you can light a fire.
Match Me Up is the doll you pop the head off and trade with another doll.
Daddy Biker Bear–if the motorcycle is smoking that much, I’m not sure it’s safe to ride.
To Carrie, re: “Match Me Up”: To be quite fair, Carrie, if this dude walked into my library as depicted, I would ask him to put on a shirt or leave. It’s a matter of public health. Whether a shirtless dude or a woman wearing only a bra on the top half of her body, either way, it’s a no from me. You don’t want to put your bare skin on library chairs, even though we have a great custodian who cleans them regularly.
DADDY BIKER BEAR – That seems like a really precarious place to hang a license plate… Aha! I get it: he loses the license plate and gets pulled over by a sexy cop (surprisingly, they can also turn into a bear).