It’s time for the WTFery that is The Bachelor and this week I have a co-recapper, Pudding the cat.
Pudding is our current foster. She’s fifteen years old and beautiful and totally here for the right reasons.
Pudding has no patience for this franchise’s shit.
Like the rest of us, Pudding is waiting until she can get her vaccines and leave quarantine (aka my office) for her furever home.
So when we open, the two-on-one date between MJ and Jessenia is still going on. MJ is mad because Jessenia “put her actions into question” when she told Matt that MJ wasn’t honest about how she treated the new girls.
Matt pulls up in a fancy red sports car which is hilarious because no one can leave the resort so my assumption is he’s just being doing donuts in the parking lot for like forty-five minutes.
Jessenia tells Matt that MJ lied to him by telling him she was unaware of bullying in the house when she and Queen Victoria were on the forefront of it.
MJ says she’s “mentally and emotionally exhausted” (girl, same) and she’s tired of trying to bring everyone together in the house.
Then Jessenia says, “You know what Meredith, weak bitches lie.”
“You need to literally check yourself!” MJ snaps.
Matt tells MJ he can’t give her the rose and walks her out.
Chris Harrison shows up to tell the ladies that Matt found the night “exhausting” (also LOL you giant fucking baby) and they are going STRAIGHT TO ROSE.
STRAIGHT TO ROSE PEOPLE!
Serena C is upset that she didn’t get time with Matt. She blames Katie for the canceled cocktail party because she’s the one who pointed out the drama in the house in the first place, I guess?
Matt tells the women that the “process can get emotionally draining at times” but that he’s “extremely confident in the process” despite the fact that I think it only worked like three times?
IDK. I don’t care enough to Google. Pudding doesn’t care either.
He sends home Magi, Brittany and Ryan.
The next morning Serena C confronts Katie for “running her mouth all time.” She says Katie isn’t there for Matt and describes Katie’s bringing the bullying in the house to Matt’s attention as “antics.”
They shout at each other for awhile and then Katie says, “Thank you for your feedback.”
Jessenia says, “Yeah last night sucked because we didn’t get a lot of time with Matt, but we don’t want you like screaming at each other.”
So then a white mini van pulls up to the guard shack and Heather Martin asks for Chris Harrison. Heather was on Colton’s season. I remember nothing about her because once these seasons are done I purge them from my memory with alcohol.
So Heather and Chris Harrison stand six feet apart and yell at each other.
“Heather, what the hell are you doing here?” he asks even though she absolutely had to be COVID tested and quarantined for two weeks before the crew would be allowed near her.
Heather shouts that she was hanging out with Hannah Brown who quarantined with Matt for awhile. She says Hannah said Matt is one of the best guys she knows, and she really wants to meet him.
Chris Harrison says he needs to “talk to a lot of people” which is code for the Rose God obviously. He tells Heather to get back in her white mini van and go home, and if they can make it work he’ll call her.
I have no clue what the point of any of this was.
The first one-on-one date goes to Pieper. They go to a carnival that’s been set up on the resort property.
“Going to the fair was something I looked forward to 365 days a year,” Matt says which seems like a really strong feeling regarding carnivals.
In my personal experience carnivals involve a lot of fried food, rides of dubious safety, and witnessing at least one child throw up.
So then we cut back to Heather who is quarantining in a hotel somewhere. Random. Okay.
At the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Pieper says it’s hard for her to talk about her feelings. Then she tells Matt she’s falling in love with him. Matt gives her the date rose.
The next day it’s time for the group date. The women go bowling with Matt because nothing says COVID safety like sticking your fingers in a bowling ball a bunch of people have touched and probably hasn’t been cleaned since ever.
Maybe it’s the quality of the establishments I’ve visited, but I don’t think I’ve ever been to a bowling alley I’d classify as “clean.”
Also the women are terrible at bowling. They need one of those little dinosaur slides they have little kids roll the ball down.
So then Chris Harrison shows up to ruin shit. He breaks them up into two teams. The winning team gets to continue the date with Matt, the losing team has to walk home.
Pudding would like to point out that they haven’t actually left the resort so…
The pink team wins. Chris Harrison shows up with a trophy he probably stole from a sobbing child.
Pudding and I take a break to order a Calzone because we need sustenance to deal with this level of fuckery. At age fifteen, Pudding has seen some shit and she says this show belongs right in the litter box.
Abigail has a meltdown because she’s not getting time with Matt. Like, Matt is leaving, and there’s pizza and wings and nachos at the bowling alley, so frankly she’s not getting the worst deal.
“I’m so sick of losing stupid games,” Serena C says.
THEN WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW OMG.
Then Matt invites the blue team to the after party anyway. The pink team is mad about it. The group date rose goes to Michelle.
The next day Katie gets a one-on-one date, but before that he plays a round of pool with one of his best friend’s, Tyler C from Hannah’s season.
How do all these people know each other? It’s like this show draws from a weird, incestuous pool of people.
Also Matt tells Tyler about Katie’s vibrator and says it was the size of a cactus and I’m pretty sure it was just normal sized so…
So for Katie’s date, they are going to prank Tyler. Tyler is getting a massage, but the massage therapist is really an actor that Katie and Matt will be directing.
This entire part is super gross and also a consent issue. They direct the massage therapist to play with his nipples, which is completely inappropriate and actually assault. They also have her use the roller really roughly on his back. Tyler doesn’t say anything but it’s entirely possible he’s too uncomfortable to do so.
In the end Tyler laughs, but who knows how he felt. I get massage frequently for my fibro and it requires a huge level of trust and vulnerability. If someone pranked me that way I’d be incredibly upset about it, and I have to wonder if they would have played the prank on a woman or if they thought it was okay because Tyler is a dude.
So then it’s time for the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat. Katie says she’s committed to Matt but stops from saying she loves him. Matt says he appreciates her but that his relationships with some of the other women are further along. He doesn’t give her a rose and walks her out.
Pudding and I think Katie will be the next Bachelorette, for what it’s worth.
The next night Heather has apparently quarantined enough that the Rose God deems her safe to join the journey. How many days has it been? Two? WTF. She puts on a white dress that looks very bridal.
We see the women gather for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour and then bam! Heather shows up in her white mini van and evening wear. It is hysterical to me that she’s in a mini van. Matt has had a fancy new car every episode even though he doesn’t leave the resort. Were they out of credit at Hertz or something? The show is making it seem like she put on an astronaut diaper and drove cross country for him.
Also she’s driving herself rather than having a chauffer like everyone else which makes the whole scenario even more bizarre and stalker-ish. Then she gets stuck in the revolving door at the hotel entrance. Not even making this up.
Heather interrupts Matt and Pieper talking. “I feel like I’m in a dream right now,” Matt says.
Like a fever dream?
And that’s where the episode ends. Are you watching?
Matt grew up in Raleigh where the NC State Fair is HUGE. When my kids were growing up, it was one of the things they most looked forward to each year.
I would be thrilled if Katie is the Bachelorette. I am so bored by Matt this season. His personality is like watching paint dry.
If I wasn’t a)married and b) old enough to be Matt’s mom, I should date him. I’m a Raleigh native and LOVE THE FAIR!
We could go platonically, I guess. 🙂 He would have a lot less drama and probably a much better time.
If it weren’t for the NC State Fair, I’d have never experienced deep fried Twinkies, six hundred baby bunnies all in the same room, emu burgers, and the joy of telling an overly zealous school administrator that, yes, I did think taking my kids out of school for the state fair qualified as a necessary cultural experience.
I’m here for Pudding. More Pudding content please. (Heart eyes emoji)
Pudding is awesome and is the spitting image of my girl, Misha. So glad you are fostering her! And yes, I’m mostly just here for the cat pictures:) Keep ’em coming.
Okay, Elyse, it would have been totally your fault but on my Xfnity, it popped up what was on and I saw The Bachelor and almost, just almost, watched it. I thought, I have to see what she watches every week. But luckily for my sanity, I refrained. Thank you for taking this hit week after week, season after season, for us, to keep our sanity. LOL You can just see in Pudding’s eyes that she is shaking her heads at us humans.
Okay, that would be head not heads. No, I’m not drinking and seeing double.
I gather that this show plays fast and loose with “rules” and “structure” (It would make sense to me to start with X number of contestants, and progressively whittle it down to one, but hey, what do I know?) but does it seem extra chaotic to anyone else that he’s apparently started with a bunch of women, sent some home, then a whole extra group showed up, he sent some of them home, and now they’ve just got people coming in from previous seasons because they “heard” about him and “want to meet him”? It seems so strange to me. How can we trust the process if the process makes literally no sense, O Fearsome Rose God?
(I have never watched this show and am vastly overthinking things. But it bugs me that there are no consistent rules!)
@tpr: I come from a line of fair lovers. My birthday is in October and Mom was really annoyed when the doctor suggested she skip the fair that year or risk giving birth on the midway. She skipped, but she didn’t like it 🙂
I remember when the haunted house rides showed a LOT of women with heaving bosoms being menaced. I also just barely remember when the fair had what they called a ‘hootchie-cootchie’ show (strippers). That was gone by 1970. I’ll always be grateful to Meg Scott Phipps for bringing clean bathrooms to the fair.
I hated missing this year for Covid.
I’m probably just really tired, but for some reason the question “Were they out of credit at Hertz or something?” cracked me up. I’m snorting with tears in my eyes!
I hope Pudding has something – cream? salmon? people tuna? – to resort to when she’s had enough of the craziness.
Years ago there was one of these elimination shows that started off, didn’t seem to have any rules at all, except for sending someone home, and seemed to just drop out of sight after about three episodes.
@MirandaB
I haven’t been for years–my youngest are almost 25 and without them, I just haven’t been inspired.
I think the first year we went was probably in 1994. It was actually a nightmare. A friend and I were up in the teacup ferris wheel with my two oldest sons who were then four and two. At the top, the two year old decided to try and climb out–there weren’t seatbelts. It was terrifying! It did not, however, stop us for going for the next 15 years!
PUDDING! I had a half Siamese growing up and she was the best cat. Also, why would Pieper’s parents spell it like that? Were they hungry when they named her?
Going to the fair was something I looked forward to 365 days a year
Including the day(s) he is actually AT the fair? That sounds like a case study in failed expectations. Or does he mean he looked forward to it all year, every year, and then every year without fail, his parents were too cheap to take him?
Oh, beautiful beautiful Pudding. <3
Without knowing this guy beyond what I've read in these recaps, I'd guess he is a sort of golem composed of expectations, preconceived notions, and nostalgia. Yet another Ken doll, which seems to be the Bachelor Ideal, whose inability or unwillingness to cope with negotiating a real relationship in real life is masked by conventional good looks.
The willingness of all these people to look like clueless and/or toxic dicks on national TV in exchange for temporary fame never ceases to amaze me.
Oh yes and…
“You need to literally check yourself!” MJ snaps.
Long ago when I taught freshman composition, I occasionally had to ban some word because students became irrationally fond of it–without having any idea what it meant or how to use it. (One year, it was “intrinsic”, which they seemed to think meant “great” or “significant”.) Could we perhaps ban the word “literally” from this season’s Bachelor? Just bleep it out, like any bad word.
Please don’t ever stop writing these recaps. I refuse to watch the bachelor, so I appreciate the sacrifice you and Pudding make. I get sad when the season ends. These weekly recaps crack me up!
It looks like Elyse and Pudding suffered thru this episode without the usual support group at home. I’m guessing Rich was good with that. Lol. Every season I think they can’t get any more ridiculous and every season they manage to prove me wrong. This time they’ve really outdone themselves!
How do all these people know each other? It’s like this show draws from a weird, incestuous pool of people.
My guess is, the same way Heather “heard” about Matt–someone from previous seasons needed some more screentime to feed their ego and the producers are desperate to keep having “the most dramatic season ever” every season.
Without downplaying the consent issues in the “prank,” I’d also wager Tyler knew the scene would be “lay on this massage table and they’re gonna prank you, so just be cool with whatever happens” and agreed so that he could come back and be on camera again. That doesn’t excuse setting up a prank that violates somebody’s body, treating it as if it’s funny, or anything else, I just know someone somewhere could sue and there’s definitely been some paperwork signed to head that off.
@chacha1: The willingness of all these people to look like clueless and/or toxic dicks on national TV in exchange for temporary fame
Gonna take a guess that they’re not just LOOKING like clueless and/or toxic dicks, it’s dicks and toxicity all the way down
@Louise: Could we perhaps ban the word “literally” from this season’s Bachelor?
I vote for “the Process”
Pudding is the real star
Speaking as someone in New Mexico, cacti come all sizes, from 3-in balls to 30-ft saguaro. One of my favorites is the teddy bear cactus found in Arizona, which grow about 4 ft tall and have tons of arms that look fuzzy but … aren’t. I would never use the size (or shape) of a cactus to describe anything. That’s like saying “it was the size of an animal!”
I don’t watch bc I much prefer your recaps. Ohhhh, Pudding is a love.
Having a masseuse do improper things sullies the reputation that legit massage therapists try to maintain of being trustworthy and safe.
Also, Pudding is awesome! I hope to see more of her. Thanks again for risking your sanity by watching and recapping these episodes.
I’m just here to let you all know that a contestant in the German version of the Bachelor fell in love with the shuttle driver who took her to and from dates and they are now dating. And they say nothing good ever comes from the Bachelor…
I’m not watching but I saw the promo on Twitter with the massage therapist. That is a hard no for me. It’s putting both the masseuse and the client in an uncomfortable and fraught situation. Massage therapists already have to deal with enough creeps. Plus their clients should expect to be treated with dignity. The fact it’s played for laughs is just this weird blindspot on the producers side. How can they not see that this is not ok? Even if consent was worked out before hand and not shown to the audience, the fact that it was shown as an ok thing to do is terrible.
I wish I could see Heather pull up in her minivan right as Matt showed up in his red Porsche, looking like they were about to drag race.
I hate that I know this but, apparently Hannah and Tyler(? I think) and some other bachelor people were quarantined together as a pod, and Matt is Tyler’s best friend. Never been on any bachelor show before but was convinced to go on from his friends he was quarantined with.
Also I really liked Katie, sad to see her go
The only bit of the Batchelor(ette) I have ever watched was a three second clip from a YouTube video (I think it was a watch mojo list of scandalous tv moments, I was bored is my excuse) of a contestant getting thrown off the show for kissing one of the production crew. The way they laid into them you’d think they’d just murdered the hosts grandmother.
So that was enough to put me off. My conspiracy theory about the show is that they’re all actors or insane.
Lots of gentle cat hugs for Pudding! <3
Here is a book that might need to be reviewed, yes? The bachelor, by Andrew Palmer, based on The Bachelor tv show. It will be released July 2021.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/55655098-the-bachelor?ac=1&from_search=true&qid=MBH1142FL3&rank=1
*I probably should have said inspired by, or referencing, not based on. Oops.