Cover Snark is here for your Monday needs!
From Katie: I want to submit this for cover snark because???
Sarah: This is…on the nose.
Tara: He looks like a headless Ken doll.
Amanda: What’d I tell you, space is horny.
Sneezy: I’ve heard having that deep ‘V’ is supposed to be some sign of hotness, but it just creeps me out. Makes me think of dolls brought to life, signs of how their legs were mashed into their torsos staying with them…FOREVER
Shana: Anyone else see a face in his torso? Where his nipples are the eyes, and the V is a monstrous beak?
Sneezy: OH GOD SHANA WHY??????????
I CAN’T UNSEE IT!!
Catherine: Well, I can see it now alright.
Extremely subtle book placement. Gives new meaning to ‘pocket rocket’.
Tara: Now that Shana’s called out the face, I just want to rebuke it entirely.
EllenM: Rebuke it! Rebuke this cover in the name of the lord! Get thee behind me, satan!
Amanda: Also, wait a hot damn minute. The series title is “Houston, We Have a Hottie.”
From Heather M
Sarah: So bewitched he forgot how to shirt
Sneezy: Worst and most useless apron ever. Not to mention the torso just looks completely plastic.
Lara: I’ve torn off my fair share of shirts (SUCH a fun story!) but I’ve never managed to turn my shirt into a shoddy apron in the process… #techniquematters
Elyse: It’s like watching a toddler dress himself
Amanda: I don’t even think an attempt was made.
From Layla: I can’t pinpoint what exactly about this cover makes me uncomfortable but it does so I figured it was my duty to send it.
Sarah: I’m not sure either but I’m with Layla in The Realm of Vaguely Uncomfortable
Elyse: Is it Brody or Broody?
Catherine: I definitely read it as Broody. I mean, he is clearly brooding. Or trying to.
Amanda: He looks like Timothee whathisface with a bad wig.
Sarah: Chalemet? Chalemt? Chomondeley? Charlemagne?
Tara: If Timothee and Bradley Cooper had a baby.
Lara: His expression is a bit like Christ in a renaissance painting – a bit tired of dealing with all of this.
Also, the tattoos on his right arm look a bit like veins, in a bad way.
Shana: Agree, very veiny. And there’s something off about all the proportions that reminds me of an insect. His upper arms and torso are truncated, and his face color doesn’t match his neck at all.
Maybe he needs Fenty foundation so he can find a better color match.
Amanda: His features look too delicate for a biker.
Like I think I could probably beat him up.
Tara: He looks like he reads Lord Byron by night.
Shana: I think if you just yelled at him Amanda, he’d probably run
Amanda: “GET OUTTA HERE! SCRAM!”
He’d probably “yes ma’am” me and scurry off to his scooter
Tara:
Sarah: “Scram” would definitely do it, especially from Amanda in her “nobody cares about your stupid boner” shirt
Sneezy: That sounds like an amazing shirt
I cannot stop looking at his nose. What is wrong with his nose? Why does the composition make it look WEIRDER? Did Frankenstein photoshop that honker on???
Sarah: I think he or the makeup artist maybe took a wrong turn at contouring on the sides?
From SSD: I wanted to share this for potential cover snark. Might be childish but this cracked me up. Is it just me or does this title look like Broken Fart-A?
Sarah: Poor alien. So embarrassed.
Catherine: The angle of her body certainly supports that title…
Also, wow, where is his hand? I don’t think I’ve seen third base on a cover before…
Sneezy: …does his armour/exoskeleton look roach-y to anyone else?
Cover 1: he looks like he dislocated his hips can’t under it.
Cover 2: yes it does remind me of my three year old trying to get dressed and throwing a massive tantrum. Also more ken abs. I’ve read this a few years ago but can’t remember if the cover was the same? Maybe it was a generic headless torso one? I can’t remember, the story was ok, it was a fated mates romance. Not ground-breaking but passed the time if I recall. It’s free on Amazon uk.
Cover 3: I can’t pinpoint this one but I keep getting flashbacks to the Zed’s dead scene in Pulp fiction.
Cover 4: so totally the wrong cover for the type of book. From what I can make of the blurb, it’s actually a dark cyborg alien romance yet the cover looks like a comic book. Not that comic books can be serious but the woman’s face looks like the book should be called ‘My Super Hot Cyborg Boyfriend’ (needs more soft focus and hearts though!)
Oh that was a bit of fun on a rainy Monday morning!
Unsee it, not under it!
Okay but that’s clearly a draenei from World of Warcraft on that last cover. I have nothing else to contribute, but that was my first thought. (Okay, second, ‘cause I agree on the fart thing!)
Why is it that the uncanny valley covers freak me out more than any of the other Photoshop disasters. *shudder*
On cover one
Me: So is the other person using him as a bookrest?
Partner: So long as it’s not as a bookmark… *mimes shutting book, with a kind of soft squelching noise*
That shredded T-shirt cover bothered me so much the first time I saw it, I put it in Photoshop, located where the other side of his torso would be, and followed the drag on the fabric waaaaaaaay down and to the right, where some bulky, heavy object is resting against his hip. He’s using that shirt as a PURSE.
I would love to be a fly on the wall during some of these photo shoot decisions. “Okay, let’s rip this shirt up. It needs… ah yes, fling the ruined sleeve over your shoulder, as one does, and roll this butternut squash in the hem so the fabric drapes dramatically. Yeah, that’s HOT.”
“Dan Stevens IS Bradley Cooper AS Timothee Chalamet playing 1970s-era Robert Plant in…BRODY!”
That first cover immediately conjured up memories of the Cake Wrecks space shuttle post: https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2009/6/25/this-ones-for-the-ladies.html
1: No one would be allowed in space that dehydrated. Also, font design people, font design. I literally was only able to figure out “Junk” due to the article title.
2: Yup, that’s a purse.
3: That’s Luna Lovegood/Evanna Lynch with a beard.
4: The “third base on the cover” was pretty much exactly my first impression. The otherwise cartoon-ish cover lends me to believe that this might be intended as a YA novel, and this combination makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Brody should be Beaky.
As a mechanical engineer working in an aerospace field, I’m disappointed that my college experience did not include the phrase, Houston we have a hottie. Total missed opportunity.
Brody: Is that a prosthesis on your left shoulder or are you just happy to see me?
The “V” on the Space Junk guy is called the Adonis Belt. I’m sure I picked that up from a romance novel (a primary source of much of my general education).
@Susan: As a cover (and cover model) maven, through the years I’ve seen trends come and go (seeming to run parallel to whatever is trending in gay visual erotica, NTTAWWT). We’ve seen peak biceps and peak pecs and peak abs, so now we’re heading into peak Adonis Belt territory. I know it’s supposed to be hot, but I think too much definition there almost makes a man look deformed, especially when viewed in profile. Some of the Bitchery may remember this cover, which prompted one of our cadre to ask, “Is he about to give birth to an eggplant?”
https://www.amazon.com/Truth-About-Cowboys-Texas-Heat-ebook/dp/B07MYX888W/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=lisa+renee+jones+the+truth+about+cowboys&qid=1595867949&sprefix=lisa+renee+jones+the+truth&sr=8-3
That last one … there was a movie many years ago called “Earth Girls Are Easy” … any connection?
The guy on the Vampire Bewitched cover has some sort of tumorous growth on his right shoulder – I’d get that checked out if I were him. On the other hand, maybe that’s why his shirt is torn the way it is – he forgot how to take his shirt off, so he had to tear it so the doctor could see the growth.
Two theories why “Broody No 3” looks sort of wrong: the upper arms appear to be too short; also: when did Fabio ever wear a shirt?
The Brody cover is just creepy and the tats look like scales. And he looks smarmy and not real bright, like he’d invite you back to his shag carpeted apt to look at his psychedelic velvet Elvis under black lights.
I don’t get how anyone thought that was a good cover for a romance novel.
On Broken Earth guy – unless those face horns are retractable, sexy times are going to be a little painful!
@CarrieG: “I don’t get how anyone thought that was a good cover for a romance novel.” You have just neatly summed up why the Cover Snark feature exists…and why there are always so many good (bad) candidates for inclusion. Someone, somewhere, made the incomprehensible decision that these covers were at least adequate for publication.
@Lev: I agree on the draenei, & am frankly envious as I can’t get that skin color in-game without going full Moody Darkvision on my color settings.
An Adonis belt means really low body fat, so it tends to look unhealthy to me. Weirdly, I had one when I was twenty. I also weighed 70 lbs less than my ideal weight, had stopped having periods, my hair was falling out, my thyroid was shutting down, um, yes, I think it’s called anorexia. So, even if it is sought after by bodybuilders, I am not convinced I want my men looking like that.
Cover 1: I will not inquire about whether the newest sex toys are marketed as “o rings.” Darn, I think I just did.
It sort of leaves me wondering about the booster exhaust, though.
Cover 3: Reminds me of the beginning art student drawings; “Brody” is tired from holding the same pose for 45 minutes…
That Broody cover looks to me like the top part of his head is much larger than his chin and jawline.Two faces fused together in uncanny valley.
The Adonis belt or V cut or whatever is like EW NO for me. What a fat-free torso with overdeveloped pecs/abs/obliques says to me is ‘eating disorder’ and ‘narcissist’ and also ‘too busy in the gym to have a life.’
Noting tangentially that Oliver in ‘Boyfriend Material’ is described as having a V cut and also as potentially having an eating disorder to go with his social anxiety and parent-inflicted self-loathing. ((hugs)) to Oliver.
On topic, Brody has T-rex arms.
Broody is the guy from the Sistine Chapel touching God’s finger.
A Vampire Bewitched just learned about the Flashdance look of the 80s, but he went a bit too far.
And, my cousin’s husband is an aerospace engineer, aka rocket scientist, and he does NOT look like that.
Just out of curiosity, I went to Amazon to take a look at the Space Junk book. And you know what, I want to read that series. I especially like that in all three books so far, it’s the woman who is the super-competent NASA employee. They all sound interesting.
@Lianne:
And you know what, I want to read that series.
That’s the heartbreaking part. If you put a dreadful cover on a good book, you’ve reduced people’s desire to buy the book.
. . . Unless, that is, it gets featured on Cover Snark, giving people a chance to pipe up with “Hey, I read that book and it’s actually pretty good”.
To a Brit, “Space Junk” in an over-fussy script font totally looks like “Space Twat”, and I’d read the hell out of that. “Space Twat, the Intergalactic Wally”…