Elyse Watches the Bachelor–S23 E6: Group Dates Kinda Suck

My apologies for the late recap, Bitchery. Severe winter weather took it out of me yesterday. I was hopeful that the ice and snow would kill my satellite feed, but alas, the Rose God was not merciful, and the entire thing recorded.

The promos show a lot of people crying. Why? IDK. I don’t ask questions any more.

Pour a drink. Here we go.

So we left last week with everyone in Khao Lak, Thailand. It was the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party and Onyeka and Nicole were fighting. Colton, “fed up with the drama,” stormed out of the party and the other ladies worried after him like he was a fragile baby bird who just fell out of the nest.

“I’ve never seen him so upset,” Nichole says, despite having probably spent two hours with him in total.

Chris Harrison materializes out of the shadowy ocean mist to check on Colton.

“You okay, man?” he asks. “You seem upset.” Back in the day Chris was supposed to be like The Bachelor’s buddy, the friend he could confide in. After twenty-three seasons he’s coming across more like a creepy uncle.

Colton says some things about who is there to be open and honest, etc etc etc.

Doing the bidding of his dark lord, Chris approaches the women and clinks a fork against a champagne flute, the international symbol for “Dreaded Rose Ceremony” time.

Fresh from his pout on the beach, Colton tells the ladies how emotional the night has been for him.

We get down to the final rose. Neither Onyeka or Nicole has a rose. Nicole starts to cry. Colton gives it to Sydney. Onyeka and Nicole both go home.

Colton reflects that after the elimination he has “so many emotions” (I’m guessing that’s three in total), and he’s worried about falling for someone who isn’t ready.

The next day, through the magic of television, everyone is in Vietnam. Colton steps out of the ocean and then says he’s just “finishing up my run for today,” which makes me wonder if he knows what swimming is.

The first one-on-one date goes to Hannah G. They go to a spa where they get massages and facials.

Colton has talked before about his chemistry with Hannah G, and he comments that it’s hard for him to keep his hands off of her. At one point they make out on the massage table in their bathing suits.

Then they make out in a mud bath.

Then they make out in a shower.

It’s a lot of wet kissing. And grinding. And climbing.

The camera is obviously avoiding potential boner shots. We are a pair of board shorts away from penetration guys.

Then we get a commercial for Captain Marvel and I feel a little sad because it’s going to be the highlight of these two hours for sure.

At dinner Hannah G asks Colton what the best part of the date was, and I shit you not, he says, “showering.”

Colton loves showers like Arie loved dumb, awkward silences, like Nick loved pretending to be a dinosaur. What is this show?

Like I’m too old for it, but if my life were a YA dystopian novel, this “reality” show would definitely be building up my fortitude for some kind of crazy-sauce space invasion or something. Government agents would be in my house right now yelling, “She survived the 23rd season! Bring her to the Tower! Only she can handle the hallucinogenic mind-control!”

Anyway, Hannah G tells Colton that the show has given her the opportunity to think about what she wants in a relationship. She says she’s used to be strong for other people, like her parents during their divorce. Colton talks about his own parent’s divorce. He gives her the date rose and Hannah G says that she’s falling in love with him.

The next day is the group date. Some of the women chosen for this date, namely Demi and Sydney, are frustrated because they haven’t had a one-on-one yet. Demi comments that this is her sixth group date.

The women go to the Hai Thai Ancient House where they learn the martial art of Vovinam. Hannah B renames herself Hannah Beast and growls at the camera again.

The women are paired up to spar with one another.

“Well, it wouldn’t be a group date if someone wasn’t bleeding or crying at the end of it,” Demi says bitterly.

Calling the action is Chris Harrison, as well as the host of The Bachelor: Vietnam.  Fun fact, on that show two of the women left The Bachelor for each other. Man, why isn’t America’s version that good?

Demi’s fight is rough and she takes a punch to her face. She’s clearly uncomfortable and afraid so it’s awful to watch. Even Colton acknowledges that it didn’t feel good to “see Demi coil up.”

Well yeah, Colton, that’s what people do when they get hit in the face.

During the cocktail hour Sydney says what everyone is thinking, “These group dates kinda suck.”

Colton tells Tayshia that he’s really connecting to her and they make out for awhile. We’re at the stage in the show where everyone is going to have the same cold real soon.

Katie, wearing a super cute blue silky romper, tells Colton that she doesn’t like to show her emotions, but she doesn’t want him to think she’s holding back. She starts crying so hard that they have to subtitle what she says.

This is also the point in the show where everyone is super tired, jet lagged and hyper emotional.

It’s pretty clear that Sydney is frustrated. She doesn’t feel like the other girls are taking this process…er journey, seriously enough and that Colton isn’t giving her time.

She pulls him aside and asks why he hasn’t put her on a one-on-one date yet. Colton doesn’t have a good answer for her.

Sydney asks him, “Can you get there with me?”

“I can try,” he replies.

Sydney looks disappointed.

Then Colton talks to Demi on the beach. She asks him if he wants to call her mom with her. Demi’s mom has been in federal prison, and this will be her first call with her mom since she was released.

“I’m just happy that you’re out and that you’re working on yourself and that you’re being a good girl,” Demi says. It’s way too personal and I feel super weird listening to their conversation.

We cut back to Sydney who says that Colton will have to make a lot of changes if he wants her to be his wife.

I don’t think Sydney got the memo. Nobody is really here for Colton. Nobody wants him. He’s the crappiest prize of all. You go on The Bachelor for free booze, free travel and the opportunity to hang out with other cool women.

She goes and talks to Colton again.

“I feel like since I became The Bachelor, everyone expects me to have everything figured out,” Colton tells her.

Nobody expects that Colton. Your hobby is showering.

Sydney tells Colton that she doesn’t think they’re going to get there, and that she’s going home. He looks upset.

By the way, Sydney quit her job as a NBA dancer for this show.

The group date rose goes to Tayshia.

The next one-on-one date goes to Kirpa. They go snorkeling and collect sea urchins, which they eat on a boat. We don’t get to see much of their date, and Colton admits he doesn’t know Kirpa as well as some of the other women.

They sit down to the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, and Colton asks her about her previous engagement. She says that they were together for eight years, and her fiancé was saving himself for marriage.

Whenever someone mentions saving themselves for marriage Colton gets this panicky look because I think that this point he’s holding out for the Fantasy Suites.

Colton reminds everyone that he’s not a virgin for religious reasons. He just never got around to intercourse. Maybe he was too busy showering.

Kirpa says that their relationship stagnated which is why they broke off the engagement. She says she doesn’t want to get engaged again unless she really believes the relationship is moving forward.

Colton asks her if she can see herself getting engaged at the end of the show, and she says yes. He gives her the date rose.

After Kirpa returns from her date, Demi sneaks over to Colton’s hotel room. “I’m not leaving Vietnam without making a big move,” she says. “Hopefully after tonight Colton won’t be a virgin anymore.”

Colton, conveniently mic’d, lets Demi into his room. They sit on the couch and share a bottle of wine. Demi tells him that she’s falling in love with him.

“I appreciate you saying that to me,” replies Colton.

“And you continue to make me feel special. You know, with you, saying that you’re falling in love with me. That brings up some emotions in me because I do think about you a lot, and I think about us. But there’s a part of me that just doesn’t know if we can get there,” says Colton in the most painful speech ever. “I just don’t know right now if I can see myself with you at the end of this.”

COLTON WOMEN ARE LEAVING THE SHOW LEFT AND RIGHT. YOU’RE GONNA BE OUT OF CONTESTANTS SOON.

More women have walked off Colton’s season that Arie’s, and Arie was like the human equivalent of Nyquil—if Nyquil were the flavor of dry toast.

Demi does a full-on face palm. A legit Picard.

Colton decides to send Demi home versus putting her through a Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

“Thank you for being honest,” she says.

“There are certain girls here who seem like a safe choice,” Demi says. “But at the end of this you won’t end up being safe, because you aren’t going to be happy in the long run.”

Unless he’s marrying the Kohler Loure Thermostatic Shower System with the rain simulating shower head and valve trims, she’s probably right.

“I appreciate that,” Colton mutters.

I…okay.

Demi goes back to her room where she starts sobbing. “This is my life,” she says. “No one has ever loved me back.” The Hannahs (B and G respectively) comfort and hug her.

Then it’s time for another pre- Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Kirpa, Tayshia and Hannah G have roses.

That means Katie, Hannah B, Cassie, Caelynn and Heather are vulnerable.

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the women that they are skipping the delicious booze portion of the evening and GOING STRAIGHT TO ROSE.

WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO ROSE PEOPLE!

The tense music starts to play. In the end Katie goes home.

As she walks to the Limo of Tears, Katie warns Colton, “Just be smart about those girls.”

Literally everyone who has left has warned him about the remaining women and I’m starting to wonder if they’re planning to murder Colton? Which, I mean, I would watch, obviously.

Colton swears and paces. “That’s the third person who said that there are people who are still here who aren’t ready and that’s BLEEP terrifying. That’s my greatest fear. That I’m going end up with somebody who’s not ready to be engaged at the end of this. I thought when Sydney said it, she was talking about Demi,” he rants. “And then I don’t know who Demi was talking about. And then I say goodbye to Katie and I don’t know who she’s talking about.”

“Am I BLEEP missing something?” he asks.

He goes back to the remaining women and says that Katie was the third person to leave saying that there were women who weren’t ready for this. He says he’ll be going into next week looking for answers.

So we’re down to seven women.

Who do you think might be there for the wrong reasons?