Note from Sarah: After Jennifer’s review of the graphic novel What Consent Really Means – which I bought for my own children – a few people responded privately about how one might go about talking to one’s young people about sexuality. Jennifer mentioned in her review that she teaches sex ed in middle school, and I asked her to elaborate on the topic. I think her essay is marvelously comprehensive, thoughtful, and ideal for those of us who talk about sexuality and intimacy easily when it pertains to the books we read, but might struggle when discussing those same topics with people in our lives. Thank you, Jennifer.
Jennifer Prokop has been reading romance ever since she found a bag of remaindered paperbacks in her grandmother’s basement when she was a teenager. She writes romance reviews for The Book Queen and you can find her on Twitter @JenReadsRomance.
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There’s lots of articles in the world about how to do talk to your kids about sex, but It’s clear to me from talking to parents and friends that we can all use a little more advice, help, and encouragement. It’s so easy to avoid these difficult conversations with our kids–what if we do it wrong? It’s hard and complicated and maybe uncomfortable. But you can do it! Here’s some tips and tricks to help you on the way to having good conversations with your kids about sex, love, and relationships.
Find out what your child is learning (or not) at school
When I talk to fellow parents about this, the first question I ask is “What are they doing at school?” And you’d be shocked at how few people really know the answer to this question. Maybe your child’s school is doing an amazing job, maybe they aren’t doing anything, and maybe what they’re doing is actively harmful or against your values. As a parent, you deserve to know and shouldn’t feel ashamed of asking questions.
Here’s an example. A friend of mine was asked to teach sex ed, and she was handed the Alligator River (PDF) story as “a great activity that we do every year.” You should take the time to read that and consider whether or not you’d want your child participating in that discussion at school. The entire purpose of that activity seems designed to shame and blame Abigail. You might not be able to stop that activity from happening, but you can certainly do some counter-programming…but only if you know that it’s happening.
However, it bears saying: you can’t count on anyone else to teach your child your personal values about sex. If you’re just shrugging and leaving it up to the school or the internet, you’re not doing your job as a parent.
Teach them what bodies do
I’m a big believer, especially with younger kids, of casually buying grade level appropriate books about puberty and development and leaving them around your house. A lot of these books are gender specific, with an emphasis on body parts and what they do. I think everyone should learn about the male and female reproductive systems, so get both books.
You can warn them: “I bought these books, I’ll give you a week to read them, and then we’ll talk about it.” Just having the books isn’t enough. Go through them, point at the pictures, explain how things work. Use the right name for body parts, not cutesy names. Be neutral and matter of fact.
Talk about the difference between sexual identity, gender identity, and sexual orientation
I remember feeling quite nervous about getting this right, especially because my own understanding was growing and changing so quickly. Your words and behavior should demonstrate your belief that people deserve dignity and respect about their identities.
I encourage you to use trusted resources from the internet, but carefully vet and review materials yourself before presenting them to children. As a starting place, I can recommend materials from an organization called Gender Spectrum, and this page has many helpful links. The GLADD media guide also contains a glossary of terms. I like the way the lists are organized – it defines words and ideas, but it also clearly outlines which words are offensive and should be avoided.
Don’t be heteronormative
Talk to your child in gender neutral terms. Talk about “partners” and “people you like or are attracted to.” You are signalling that you accept and love your child for who they are and that you recognize people of all genders as potential love/friendship interests.
Trap them in the car
They can’t escape unless they’re going to commando roll out of the car, so they have to listen to you. But they also can listen without having to make eye contact, which can be a relief for both of you! One Mom I know would walk into her child’s room and say, “You can put a pillow over your face if you’re too embarrassed to look at me, but this is important and you have to listen to me.” Talking about relationships and sex is too important for them to opt out, so make sure you’re somewhere where they can’t get away.
Be prepared to monologue
You might envision big conversations with your kid, but often they’re just embarrassed and uncomfortable. You might do all the talking. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean they aren’t listening. When you’re done, remind them they can always bring it up if they think of something later.
Carpe diem
You can plan and plot all you want, but it’s just as likely your kid will ask a question when you least expect it. You have to seize those moments when they appear. Trust me when I tell you that most kids don’t love talking to their parents about sex, so if they ask, you should treat their questions with dignity and respect.
Only answer the questions they ask
Okay, his sounds silly, but the most important think you should do is answer questions in the simplest way that you can. You know so much more and you shouldn’t overwhelm them with details.
Let me give you an example. Your child might ask: “What are condoms for?” You don’t need to launch into description of ribbed for her pleasure or colors or flavors. Keep it simple: “A man puts a condom over his penis during sex. It prevents pregnancy because it blocks his sperm from getting out. It also helps prevent the spread of disease.” As they get older, you can talk about where to get condoms, or why it’s everyone’s responsibility to practice safe sex, but that first time around, just stick to the basics.
Talk about ideas more than once
Especially for younger kids, talking about something once isn’t enough. Just because you explained the menstrual cycle one time doesn’t mean you won’t have to do it again. Kids might retain only the most basic concept and then mean more description of it again later. It doesn’t mean they weren’t listening, it means they didn’t get it the first time around.
Use pop culture as a springboard for talking about your values
TV, movies, and songs are all opportunities for you to talk your values about sex, gender, and relationships. Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my son have been inspired by talking about what we hear in songs, especially as it relates to gender roles and expectations. Is there any better song for talking about toxic masculinity than “Grenade” by Bruno Mars? My son and I had an interesting talk about the song “Tell Me You Love Me” by Demi Lovato: Why are girls taught “you ain’t somebody ‘till you got somebody” and is that really true?
Emphasize the importance of all kinds of relationships and feelings
Romantic relationships aren’t more important than friendships and family relationships. Many kids feel left out if their friends have romantic relationships and they don’t, but you should remind your kids that all kinds of relationships are important and worth cultivating. You can model this by talking about the importance of all your relationships with your child and reminding them that dating someone shouldn’t define who they are. We don’t do enough to teach our kids about healthy relationships and intimacy. I recommend reading this entire document about building healthy relationships, published by the Making Caring Common project from the Harvard Graduate School of Education.
Talk about consent
I already wrote an entire review of a book about consent, but you should emphasize that everyone should always expect to have the final say about what happens to their body and that they are allowed to change their mind anytime they want to. It’s also important to talk to them about what to do if they witness something that makes them uncomfortable. What should they do if they see someone being pressured to have sex? What if they see someone too drunk to consent? Role play and give suggestions.
Talk about safe sex
From the very beginning, talk about safe sex. Talk about how there are way to prevent pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Tell them that you’re willing to help them acquire these items. But feel free to adopt my personal motto: if you’re too embarrassed to buy your own condoms, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex.
It’s okay to talk about sex feeling good
I am completely befuddled when we tell kids that people have sex to make babies. We have sex because it’s fun and it feels good. It makes us feel close to our partners. IT FEELS GOOD! Not all sex is p-i-v! Not all sex is between a man and a woman. Think about what you’re saying and whether or not you’re communicating your family’s core values when you talk about sex. The most important reason to talk about sex feeling good is to help them understand that they shouldn’t be having sex if it feels bad–either physically or emotionally.
It’s okay to say, “Let me think about it.”
You might not have the answer right away. That’s okay. You can say, “Let me think about it for a few minutes.” And then just let them see you thinking! You can also say you need to look it up! You don’t have to show that you have all the right answers, you have to show that their questions are interesting, important, and worth considering.
Be open-minded and non-judgmental
When you are talking to your child about sex and relationships, try your best to stay cool, calm, and collected. Especially if they share something upsetting. You are there to help them make good decisions, be a counselor, and offer good advice. The time for freaking out is with your friends or your partner. Don’t shame your child for their questions and their curiosity, but don’t talk about sex as gross or dirty, and don’t let them talk about sex that way, either. If they say something is gross, you should redirect them immediately. You can say: “You might change your mind about it one day” or “It’s not our place to judge what people want to do with each other, just because you’re not interested doesn’t make it gross.”
It’s an ongoing conversation
Pace yourself! This isn’t a one-shot deal, it’s an ongoing conversation that changes as your child grows older. You don’t have to talk about everything all at once and you’ll have lots of opportunities to get it right.
You might be wondering why I wrote this, and it’s because unfortunately, I probably did learn more about sex and relationships from reading romance novels than I did from school or my parents. (That’s not entirely true, my Mom did handle one thing so dazzling well that it still impresses me. It’s a great story, buy me a drink sometime and I’ll tell it to you.)
Jennifer Weiner described the phenomenon in an op-ed titled We Need Bodice Ripper Sex-Ed in the New York Times last January. I don’t disagree with her basic premise, that reading romance teaches us that women deserve both emotional and physical pleasure from their relationships. But we can choose to do better than our parents did. Talking about sex and relationships might scare you, thinking about kids as sexual beings might frighten you, but there’s also joy in sending good, strong people out into the world. Romance isn’t perfect, there’s plenty of bonkers stuff in the genre, but we might be better primed than anyone to raise children who are prepared to be in strong, healthy relationships with the ones they love.
I love this. I’m just on the start of this with my son, but some of this jibes with what I believe and am already doing.
Also, “Brooklyn 99” is a very silly TV show and this was just a throw away joke, but I loved in one episode when Jake said “Sex is something adults do with their bodies when they’re attracted to each other.”
Now of course, that’s not going to cover everything kids want to know, but I did love how casually inclusive it was.
I will say, DO NOT DO THE TRAPPED IN THE CAR THING IF YOUR KID GETS EVEN MILDLY CARSICK. I’ve never thrown up from being in the car, but I do get nauseous and headaches pretty much whenever I ride in a car for more than 15 minutes, and I vividly remember my mom doing the trapped in the car/taking the long way home thing and being absolutely furious because she was guaranteeing an evening of feeling poorly for me. Any bonding or good conversations or listening was completely ruined.
Also, read that Alligator story and WTF? Is the lesson being taught that men suck and Abigail would do well to learn to pilot her own boat?
The kids I take care of are 4 and 7, and they’ve had the book “Amazing You!” for a few years and love it. I don’t think it’s great from a gender spectrum perspective, but it’s good for explaining bodies and the differences between some to young children.
And yes yes yes to paying to attention to what kids are hearing/learning in school. TW: Transphobia
I was horrified see the girls playing a game where one would sit in a chair and yell, “Come see the queen!” then when the other kid got close she’d shriek “Hahahaha, I’m actually a man!” and the other would run away. Apparently kids in the oldest’s class played the game at recess. It lead to a good talk and I think the girls understand why it was so horrible, but was still such an awful surprise to learn they’d picked up something so terrible from friends.
Great post though! I’m going to share it with other friends that have kids!
Seconding a wariness towards the “Trap them in the car” idea: I had quite a few years where I felt absolutely ill getting in a car with my mother driving, because I was so anxious about what she was going to force me to talk about. It wasn’t like she was being abusive, but otherwise just uncomfortable things became rather horrible because I couldn’t get away. I think that’s probably when I learned how to dissociate from what she was saying when she was driving; I can still probably completely zone out and just say “yeah” at appropriate pauses, without ever hearing what she actually said. I don’t want to anymore, but…yeah. 🙁
I know I’m probably preaching to the choir here (since I think it’s unlikely that avid-romance-readers/abstinence-only-sex-ed-believers creates a very large overlap in the Venn diagram), but—as the mother of three now-adult daughters who made it through teenager-hood pregnancy-free—please be realistic about the likelihood that your kids will become sexually-active at an age you may feel is too young. Be open to getting your daughters on some form of birth-control earlier than you would like.
@Deb: I was thinking about this just yesterday.
CW: childhood abuse
Why would any school district believe the Alligator River story is appropriate for teaching anything, much less sex ed? Speaking from experience districts tend to go from one extreme to the other and in this political climate you can guess where most districts are leaning unless the parents and students and staff are active monitors.
Smart, clear essay, Jen – thanks. I’m sharing it w family & friends.
I like the deadline approach for discussions. I knew my kids were reading the books because they’d migrate around the house, but they evaded direct questions.
I was raised by a very irresponsible single mother. There were several things she didn’t teach me or help me with that I had to struggle and figure out myself. One of those things was sex.
The big problem is: many men tried to molest me sexually since I was a child (it started when I was 6, I think).
As a child I didn’t know what was going on but I sensed it was wrong and I didn’t like the look in their eyes, so I managed to escape. But I had many scary and uncomfortable experiences because of it.
Also, I don’t think you need to trap a child in the car to get them to pay attention. My mother used car rides to shame and humiliate me.
I absolutely agree that we have to do better than our parents. My mom assures me that she went into extreme detail over how the female body works, but all I remember is her telling me women bleed. I was 10 and kept thinking, “doesn’t everyone bleed?” She never explained where women bleed from or why–at least not that I can remember. I remember her patting herself on the back for doing better than her mother because my grandmother left some book for my mom and her sisters to find and read, but I think that might actually be better than I got. It may have been clinical, but it was better than “women bleed.” I was never told what to expect when it came to having a period, so when it first happened I had no idea what was wrong (I thought I was shitting myself). After a few days of hiding my underwear, my mother found them and yelled at me because I hadn’t told her I had started my period. Twelve year old me had no idea what she was talking about, but got the impression that I was bad and dirty.
When it came to sex and sexual orientation, the only information I got was, “Don’t be like your aunts.” One aunt on each side of the family had children out of wedlock and she constantly belittled them for it (not to their faces of course, but in private she judged them). Nothing was ever said about orientation because my family was strict Catholic, so the only orientation that existed was heterosexuality. I was so confused when I noticed girls and boys because I didn’t know bisexuality was a thing. All I knew was that I was wrong. Girls are supposed to be attracted to boys and boys alone.
My mom has changed her opinion on LGBT existence/rights, but I still haven’t told her that I’m bi because she’s such a judgmental person and I don’t want to deal with it. I wish that I had a better understanding of everything when I was 12 or 13 because then I wouldn’t still be trying to figure myself out at 31.
We had sex ed for the first time in fifth grade, and when it became clear that I was much less informed about sex than all my classmates, I asked my mother why she hadn’t told me about it.
She said, ‘I gave you a book.’
It is true, while she was pregnant with my brother, she did give me a book.
It was a book about pregnancy and childbirth, not sex.
Which was written for adults.
And I was two years old at the time.
She did somewhat better about puberty when I was slightly older, but I mean seriously.
My sex talk from my mother was exactly two sentences.
One day she handed me a blue cardboard box that came in the mail and said “Here. Put this in your drawer.” It was labeled with a name that I eventually recognized (from sex education at school) as a brand of sanitary napkin. Months (or years) later I came home from school one day and said “My period started. Can I open the box now?” She said nothing but she looked startled and only then did I realize she had meant for me to do that earlier by myself.
Later my younger sister got the same box, again with no explanation. I didn’t want her to have the same experience so I was telling her everything I knew. My mother overheard me and said “Goodness, you’ve had you period for over a year and you’re not regular yet?”
That was it. If not for school I would have been completely in the dark.
My mother swears she was very open to questions. She gave us a book. My sister did not like to read and thought she was dying when she got her first period.
My kids have several (very good) books and ask questions that my partner and I actually answer.
I’m noticing a lot of “my mother…” in the comments. Mine was a single mom, but I wonder how many fathers actually participate in sex ed conversations.
@Michelle: My father most certainly did not participate.
All of my sex education came from school. My mother did NOT want to talk about it. The only thing she told me about sex was that losing my virginity would hurt. Thanks, Mom.
So, I’m the aunt and the adult friend and I have answered questions for my friends’ kids and for my nephews. My nephews are still quite young, but they like to talk to me about science, so…body questions come up. I answer them. I bought my favorite girl-child her first bras because she asked me to. Her mother was…”less understanding” as she put it when I asked if she didn’t want her mom to do it.
It doesn’t always have to be just the parents (though of course parents should be involved AND aware).
My own parents were…not great at this. They tried, I think, and were maybe better than their parents. I did and do like “car talks” but generally when they are initiated by the kid or have some sort of “safe word” to get out.
My own mother must have been trying for this, and also trying to find privacy away from my younger siblings, because she decided to talk to me about sex/bodies – when I was 11? – and I was IN THE BATHTUB. She just came into the bathroom and sat down, looking at me, to talk about this. I had a washcloth to cover myself. It was horrible. I kept just saying, “Get out, I know, get out. I KNOW. GET OUT.” Until she finally left. I remember nothing of what she said, but the memory still makes me feel slightly ill. And I didn’t know and I could have used information or help, but I sure as hell didn’t want it while my changing body was naked in front of someone!!
Don’t do that.
My dad…oh, god, that’s a whole lot of other, horrible stories. He didn’t handle his oldest child (daughter’s) entry into puberty/adulthood well, let’s just say.
My dad did! He did the honors when I came home from kindergarten asking what the middle finger meant– he gave me a thorough explanation, which I was not terribly interested in, and then answered all sex-related questions I brought his way in the future. He was a champ.
That Alligator Story is worthless. It’s not about sex and everyone is terrible. The only thing I’d use it to teach is how not to write (“Don’t mention a new character without introducing him!”).
Mom did a good job with the sex discussion, but I was firmly in the OMG GROSS camp.
I’ve fairly recently had to explain to my 70-year-old mother that pee doesn’t come out of the vagina, and then that the whole works isn’t “vagina,” so you can imagine how valuable books were to me. Also a 10th grade biology teacher who wasn’t authorized to teach sex ed (because state-funded abstinence propaganda has been shown to be soooooooo effective…) but felt a moral obligation to find opportunities to say things like “and that’s why you should pee after sex.”
I’m a fan of knowledge and have medical training, so I was chill about anything my kid wanted to know about bodies. There wasn’t A Talk, more like an a long-term evolving discussion, which I think took most of the pressure off both of us.
The only thing I think I did particularly well, when she asked about condoms, was to say, “Let’s go get some, and I’ll show you,” so she was disabused of the notion that buying rubbers sets off air raid sirens and summons a news crew. Nobody cares. Nothing to be embarrassed about. No excuses.
My mom was very honest and plain-spoken about sex, and was pretty good about answering my questions as I thought of them. However, she was a very big fan of Focus on the Family and Dr. Dobson (it was the late 80s, sigh), and so when I was 12, she handed me his book Preparing for Adolescence. The one useful thing it taught me was that the whole “God chooses the one perfect spouse for you and guides you together” is BS, which allowed me to shoot down an older guy at my church. Other than that, it was a lot of preachiness. Being anything other than straight and binary is wrong. Masturbation is wrong. Sex is “a pleasant tingly feeling” and should never be engaged in outside of marriage. The only real sex is PIV sex, any other variant is a perversion. You should have kids, and if you don’t, you need to examine your heart carefully for lingering selfishness, because YOU SHOULD HAVE KIDS.
Fortunately, around this time, I also discovered my grandmother’s secret stash of romance novels. They had some questionable bits (again, late 80s) and I remember trying to imagine what a “punishing kiss” was like. But they were a good balance to the preachiness, and I could tell the men and women in these stories were not ashamed, were enjoying themselves, and they weren’t performing a ritual for the purpose of procreation.
I happened across a copy of “Changing Bodies, Changing Lives” when I was nine, a few months before my period started. I. Am. So. Thankful. (I mean, they could have mentioned bisexuality, but that’s a minor quibble. I thought I had to choose one…)
When my sister was thirteen, it was obvious to me she was on the way to becoming sexually active,* and our mother was (typically) abdicating all responsibility. By this time I was a peer AIDS educator and safer sex advocate**… I showed her the drawer where I kept hundreds of condoms, invited her to take as many as she’d like (and I’ll never notice), told her how much trouble she’d be in if I ever found out she wasn’t using protection… and then went on to the sex positive feminist talk, and the reading list. (I was flailing here – I wanted to do the right thing, but only had a vague idea what that was. BTW, if you think I was encouraging her to have sex, you have never heard my STIs and why we need safer sex talk.) …and when she had (protected) sex under less than stellar circumstances, and we talked about it, and it seemed so much that she was doing it for social approval, I bought her a gift basket from my favorite sex boutique that contained an assortment of latex and lube… and a vibrator. This halted her exploration with anyone else for well over a year, and when she did start experimenting again, she was in a better place.
Which gets to something I think is important. There is so much shame around female sexuality, there isn’t that much talk of pleasure. A lot of young women don’t know their own bodies, and let’s face it, a lot of men are terrible in bed (though some are trainable). If you don’t know what you like and what works for you, and you don’t go in with the expectation that pleasure is your birthright, and something you will seek and advocate for… you’re likely to have a lot of terrible sex. But also to be in a very passive place about sex, where you’re, well, pretty much waiting for your prince to make you cum. I don’t think this does well by anyone, including a lot of clueless, confused young men.
The bit with my sister was decades ago, and now I’m mentor to undergraduates and a number of actual and adopted nieces and nephews and godchildren. (My sister did encourage me to talk about sex to her son, since he talks to me more readily than her.) I’m also in a community that does much better by its youngsters than my family did. Which allows me to be mellower. Mostly.
* Our family situation was deeply messed up – both parents were and are awful. I don’t know thirteen is too young – I do know she was in a tough place. Then again, I started at uni when I was thirteen, and moved out on my own when I was fifteen.
** We grew up in the gayest neighborhood in Seattle, and just as I was coming of age as a queer woman, a huge part of my community started dying.
Regarding the Alligator River story: ICK ICK ICK ICK ICK. I am appalled that any young person would get stuck with that rot in the guise of sex ed.
Interesting debate.
Where I live, as far as I know, there is still no sexual education at school. This is still a deeply rooted Catholic country and sex is not something you talk about in school or with your parents. Of course things are changing and I bet newer generations think differently.
But I was a teenager 15 years ago and I never had an “official” conversation about sex with anyone. I learned things from books I read on my own and by talking to friends in my age gap who started being sexually active quite soon.
My mother never had the sex talk with me. We never had a close relationship until I became an adult and we just don’t go there. It was embarrassing and still is to simply discuss my period with her, much less sex.
It’s still awkward, I feel, to talk about it, even if, from a contemporary POV, younger people tend to be more considerate about knowing things and accepting them (sexually related).
I just think if everyone could have access to information in a good way, then that could prevent such high numbers of teen pregnancy and relationship’s abuse over consent.
I rarely if ever comment but here it goes. I feel like I was never given a sec talk but a what happens if you get pregnant talk. Totally different. I also have a mother who sure to her own traumas was vocal about protecting us from inappropriate behavior, but now explaining sex is also pleasurable she fun. I think my turning point came when I discovered a website that used to be active called love matters that was put out through the Dutch government through their international radio network. It explained a lot of stuff I didn’t know and helped me to understand my bisexuality was normal as well as have me super useful health advice. I don’t know if it’s still active but it was amazing especially due to me living in the Bible belt and just not having access to that information before
My sister and I mostly educated ourselves, with questions for my parents as necessary. I talked to my Mom about periods and my Dad about sex, but I mostly used books. Puberty books from the juvenile nonfiction section at the library and the American Girl puberty guide (Mom bought that one) were used until I was maybe 12. Around 13 or so, I started reading books with sex and romance novels, and that’s really where the bulk of my (sex) knowledge came from.