It’s Cover Snark time! For new readers, this is where we scratch our heads and try to make sense of some rather…interesting cover designs.
Amanda: Is she frozen?
Redheadedgirl:
Sarah: …or this past week’s weather report.
Elyse: The dude on the left looks like his face is stuck to hers. Like that kid from a Christmas Story.
CarrieS: The guy who is looking at the reader doesn’t seem very into it. He looks like he looking at the film director and thinking “Hello are we cutting soon, or what? I need my break.”
Elyse: Is his penis stuck in that planet?
Amanda: I thought the woman was Alyssa Milano for a second.
Sarah: Or Kate Beckinsale?
Amanda: Back to Elyse’s comment…maybe that’s his “desire.” He’s attracted to planets and other heavenly bodies.
CarrieS: I don’t have a comment because I can’t look at this long enough to think of one. It makes my brain hurt.
Sarah: If his name is Flame, he is most definitely put out, I agree. Very put out.
Redheadedgirl: I have several questions.
Sarah: Yeah me too.
Redheadedgirl: 1) What’s around his neck?
2) What’s around his a waist?
Amanda: I feel like wearing a cape WITHOUT a shirt is quite the fashion statement.
CarrieS: “Be on a cover, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. Well FUCK YOU, modeling agent.”
Pretty sure the flame was an STD.
Elyse: I think we met this guy at RT.
From Heather: “I’ve stared at this for like 20 minutes trying to figure out that glove situation (why is he wearing what appears to be work or winter gloves to bake?) and also is he wearing a camo-print apron?”
Sarah: That photoshopped whisk is making me sad.
Redheadedgirl: What kind of baking is he doing to appear so veiny?
Is that an apron or are those pants?
What is happening?
Amanda: He probably doesn’t have a stand mixer so he has to do all his stirring and whisking the old-fashioned way. Hence the veiny forearms.
Sarah: I don’t recommend baking topless, but then, I may be wrong about that.
Redheadedgirl: Baking topless isn’t like, the WORST plan. Frying bacon topless is the worst plan.
Amanda: But explain this camo to me? Is there a reason why he needs any sort of subterfuge while baking?
CarrieS: I have a muffin top. This guy does not. Someone involved in this cover does not know what they are talking about.
If you cut off the Heavenly Desire cover just under “Desire” (which is how I first saw it, scrolling along on my phone) it looks like the planet is actually a giant bowl of dip. Like, the white edge is the bowl and the yellow is the dip. I thought of guac for some reason first though.
As for the veiny whisker, as someone who does a lot of hand whisking for a living, it builds muscle but definitely not that kind of tone. If any. My arms are larger than before I was working, but still look very soft.
If the cover of Muffin Top made you cringe, check out the description:
She walked into my bakery
and my dough wasn’t the only thing rising…
Long legs, a big chest, and perfect, round buns.
I’d give anything to roll with her and that adorable muffin top she’s packing.
There’s just one problem…
and that’s the Irish mob jerk who thinks he owns her.
To hell with that.
If she’s gonna have a bun in her oven…
it’s gonna be mine.
Re: A Flame Put Out, his…head does not look properly attached to his body. O_o He also appears to be suffering some sunburn on his forehead and upper chest. And on top of all that, the tight cropping means you can’t even really appreciate that luscious mane of hair he seems to have! (How much product was required to give it that body, do you think?)
All thing considered, I’d be put out, too.
Is dude #3 the same dude as bored dude #1? Also, #1’s mascara is running.
Are we all assuming he is using that whisk for baking? I mean if my husband grabbed one of my whisks? I would say, “Uh, Uh. What do you need that for?… Are your hands clean?… Do not take that outside!”
The angry guy on A Flame Put Out looks like Sean Penn. The thought of having to put up with a disgruntled Sean Penn does not in any way put me in a sexytimes mood.
Heavenly Desire has wing(s). I can’t quite get my head around how they’re attached to his body in that alignment. Perhaps to the triceps of his unseen arm? That seems… aerodynamically unsound.
Hey! ‘Double Down’ is currently free at Amazon! We can learn for ourselves why she’s blue!
The cover blurb mentions cyborgs….that might explain the facial expressions. Maybe? IDK
On the first cover, I think the guy on the right is trying to get past her in favor of the other guy.
The second cover, he’s an angel and she clearly just realized she was going to die in the vacuum of space.
The third cover, that guy wants you to fight him before you can read the book. I think I’m more thrown by the clothes than his expression, but it’s close.
The last cover, I know that’s supposed to be a dog tag round his neck, but the context is making me think “spoon handle.”
RenBenton – Oh dear. That is some…unfortunate…cover copy. I don’t like first person, generally, though some is OK. But I don’t want to be in that guy’s “brain” for any length of time at all.
A muffin top, like a service top, is a specific type of dom – this one specializes in topless whisking and naughty baked goods.
“A Flame Put Out” had me rolling with a fit of the giggles. To the point of tears. My cats were staring and probably confused. Thanks for the Monday morning laugh, ladies!
At first glance,I didn’t realize there was a woman sandwiched between those two guys on the first cover! I was wondering what was wrong with the m/m cover lol.
Guys, there is so much with the Heavenly Desire book you did not even get to. Awkwardly placed wings! Heroine caught in an unfortunate wind tunnel! Also,why does the planet. look like snow globe filled with mold?
It’s like the gift that keeps on giving. . . nightmares. Kind of like a clown nightlight.
Sarah Y.:The blue lady is clearly a cardboard cutout. “But we ain’t gay, it’s a threesome.”
The fluff on the angel’s wings look too downy for the dude, did he just recently hatch? I guess it is a problem if the only mass produced angel wings props are meant for “sexy” women’s costumes. which makes their downiness even creepier.
I wish they had skipped the “bun in the oven” pun, it makes the whole premise icky.
The Muffin Top cover boy may want to check in to some ServSafe kitchen safety training to make sure his six-pack doesn’t get singed.
The Blue Girl is obviously the little sister of The Blue Man Group.
Mr Double Down up there is all “Whatchoo lookin’ at? So we get into body paint, so what?”
On the other hand I do not know what either of them are looking at in Heavenly Desire but they’re certainly not into each other. I don’t think she even knows he’s there.
Elyse, we did meet Mr Very Put Out Flame at RT, that is Iron Mike Foster https://twitter.com/ironmikefoster?lang=en
Mr Muffin Top is clearly a military chef; what the heck is he doing running his own bakery? He is squeezing that whisk way too tight; is he planning to beat a confession out of someone with it?
@Maddy, the planet looked like giant bowl of spaghetti to me. My first though was why did he get naked to eat spaghetti. My second was wondering if the girl was blown in by a tornado or if she was trying to do the dance moves to “Something to Sing About” from the Buffy musical episode.
@Susan, I completely agree. That guy looks like a younger Sean Penn circa Fast Times at Ridgemont High, although Spicoli was probably way too chill to have that look on his face.
Am I the only one who looked at Heavenly Desires and thought 1) When did Eminem start modeling for covers? and 2) I didn’t realize Eminem’s was so ripped under those oversized t-shirts.
@maddbookish, yes.
@Elyse – YAAASSS, we met that guy from “A Flame Put Out” at RT! In fact, he is in my homemade calendar for this year, posing in his fancy kilt (#completelyappropriateforwork)
Now I’m stumbling over the title…a flame that puts out?
Things I know better than to do, look at Cover Snark in a law library. Now everyone around me probably thinks I’m having a fit or something.
The look of the guy on Flame Put Out certainly douses any flame I might’ve been feeling. Jaysus dude, murder eyes and come-hither eyes ain’t the same thing, stop mixing those up! And I’m also rather concerned about the whisking weirdo. He doesn’t appear to be holding it in the right direction, unless whisk techniques changed recently, all I can think is “dude, you’re doing it wrong!”
That looks like a ghostly head behind Heavenly Desire’s head.
A Flame Put Out…
https://www.overthinkingit.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/ghostbusters-2-overview-banner-600×565.jpg
Am I the only one who thought of this guy?
The so-called planet in Heavenly Desire looked to me, at first glance (and second, third, and fourth glance), like a bowl of pasta….or ramen noodles. And maybe that dude is going to re-enact a scene from American Pie only with noodles. Now I need mind bleach…..
In Heavenly Desire . . . is that the top half of a man photoshopped onto the bottom half of a woman? Or was the model wearing pants, and the cover artist didn’t know how to make realistic skin texture?
On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that the stuff just below his waist isn’t pubic hair. (My fingers attempted to render it “public hair”.) I think it’s some kind of solar-flare activity mysteriously emanating from the, er, bowl of egg foo yung or whatever the heck that round thing is.
RH guy in the first pic doesn’t have an earhole. I don’t want to look down his ear hole, but it bothers me that he doesn’t have one …
I agree with RedHeaded Girl (and speak from painful experience) that yes, frying bacon while topless is not a good plan.
I’m snorting at work. Luckily, it’s quitting time. Gonna go laughsnort some more in the car. Thanks, ladies!
@Louise: In Heavenly Desire . . . is that the top half of a man photoshopped onto the bottom half of a woman?
I think it is the woman’s bottom half…. because she doesn’t have one.
@22 StarlightArcher: Sorry, your comment reminded me of this: http://lackadaisycats.com/exhibit.php?exhibitid=29
Oh, those are supposed to be wings? I thought it was the abominable snowvampire coming up to bite the guy’s neck.
I live in Washington state, home of many a bikini barista, so perhaps the topless baker is her male counterpart. I’m glad he knows a good waxer to avoid any pesky health code violations.
@Sandra:
I think it is the woman’s bottom half…. because she doesn’t have one.
Oh, goodness, you’re right. But if so … where’s his bottom half? The round thing at the bottom isn’t supposed to be a cross section of where one of the two–or some hitherto unsuspected third person–was bisected, is it?
Heavenly Desire guy appears to have top half facing to the right and then the bottom half facing to the left. Obviously a twist in that tale/tail…. 😉
I guess it makes sense that heavenly desires are different from earthly ones, so no genitals required? Or maybe it’s just that her hooha is so glittery it’s all glitter and no hooha.
“A Flame Extinguished” suits the face on that book better. “Put Out” sounds too modern.
A few months ago, I was saying I wanted to read a romance with a male baker/pastry chef. But Muffin Top isn’t really what I was looking for…
Double Down: I don’t the guy on the left has a face actually attached to that neck. Head just seems to be floating there.
Heavenly Desire: She looks as if she has never seen anything more appalling in her life and I thinks that because his ejaculate is all over his face and dripping down his right arm.
A Flame Put Out: Surely that is Sean Penn’s face?
Muffin Yop: According to Amazon this is *TOP 50 AMAZON BESTSELLER*
Special Anniversary Edition now includes the adorable novella A Muffin Top Christmas and The Muffin Top Cookbook featuring five recipes from Boston’s favorite bakery!>
Also features a heroine that is a BBW and supporting players from the Irish mob.
The guy with the cape, but no shirt looks like a really jacked Sean Penn.