And this week’s theme: Terrifying plant life. Move over, triffids! You have nothing on these fine specimens.
From Erin:
Candy: Poor Madmartigan. First he was stuck with a shirt with no buttons, and then bastard thieves smacked him upside the head and left him only with his vest, so he doesn’t even have that any more. I’m not sure if that dazed look in his eyes is from being hit on the head, or incipient hypothermia.
Sarah: Let’s see. Bare chested under a leather vest on a field of hot pink flowers under a fuschia sky. With a horse rearing up behind him.
That’s like a straight flush of gay right there.
And Amy “Fuckheady Bitchipants” E very kindly—for certain values of “kind”—provided us with this masterpiece of cover artwork, which we’ve placed below the fold, because…well, don’t say we didn’t warn you:
Candy: That cover in and of itself was bad enough. But to add insult to injury, she noticed the uncanny resemblance the dude on the cover had to a certain root-vegetable-monikered comedian and attached THIS photo:
For the first time in cover snark, I’m completely speechless. It may take me years before I’ve recovered enough to close my eyes without seeing that face leering at me from the inside of my eyelids.
Sarah: I’m going to make like an ostrich and pretend I didn’t see a kohl-lined Carrot Top pointing at his freckly belly and leaving no doubt to the question of whether he has to wax to wear those pants. No, sir, didn’t see it. Was a figment of my imagination.
Unfortunately, no amount of eye bleach will erase the dead Poser stare of Poser Narcissus there, interrupted while gazing at his own dangling Poser man bits in the Poser water. *sob*
Diane found and scanned the elusive Homo asparagus from Patricia Gaffney’s To Have and To Hold for us:
Candy Frankly, I’m not sure he’s Asparagus Man so much as Newly Risen From the Grave man. It would explain the unhealthy green tinge to his skin, and the very convenient hole he’s standing in. But then, the woman isn’t much better. Look at her limp posture, her slack face, and the crazy, broken angle of her arm.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have a zombie romance on our hands.
Sarah: As Candy pointed out, I don’t know what’s worse – the man with no torso and a mangy mullet rising from the dirt, or the fact that clearly, she’s been broken in already. As in, broken in at least four places before being tossed in the dirt.
Or maybe instead of Zombie romance, we have Worm Man and his true love, Slug woman. Not a functioning vertebrae between them.
Carrot…. Top….
Ugh. Must… not… retch….
And lucky Pat Gaffney to have her cover look positively radiant and NORMAL next to that…. thing.
I’m so glad I keep sporks on hand so I can gouge out my eyes in moments like these. Ugh.
What’s with Changeling Press and the gawd-awful covers? The other two are artistic masterpieces in comparison.
As for the last, it made me think of a scene from The Crow. Top Dollar and his half-sister are on his bed. There’s a woman lying very still on her side with her eyes open. TD’s sister turns her face up and says “I think we broke her.” It didn’t exactly call up a romantic moment, much like this cover.
Oh dear! There are things that shouldn’t be seen by the human eye 🙁
Oh, ladies. I know that there’s been a lot of “you’ve crossed the line” being thrown around here lately, but YOU’VE CROSSED THE LINE!
Really. Was Carrot Top necessary?
Won’t you PLEASE think of the children?!?
I should know better than to click on something where you’ve warned us off. But that’s kind of like telling people not to think of elephants.
Poser is awful. Have you seen those ads for Time Warner Cable where they have fake people who are created with some sort of animated version of Poser? I use the word “animated” very generously here.
That gentleman in the first picture has been on a TON of native american romance novel covers of Madeline Baker’s.
*snicker8
SB Sarah – after the lesson in slug sex you bitches recently provided, I say Worm Man better watch out: Slug Woman just might bite his wittle wee-wee off. On a side note, Slug Woman looks like she’s pinching his cheek the way my Aunt Judy used to do to me.
Bitchipants rocks – did you search for that picture or did you have the damn thing saved, just waiting for the right moment to strike? You eeeevil girl, eeevil!
Both hubby and I had a good laugh (and a little retch out the back), but I have to ask – when did weedy little white guy obnoxious geek Carrot Top get buff and tanned… well his freckles to join together, at least?
well, i have the great misfortune to tell you all that Carrot Top is one of the few celebs from my lil hometown of Cocoa Beach Fl…he and Major Nelson kick ass…every time we see CT..omg…did i just call him a camel toe???jeeez…..ok, every time my hubby sees him on tv, he gives me so much shit…“shannon, you know him???..bwahwahwahwahwahwa…!”…god…the shame…and no, i DONT know him…but i do use the same eyeliner…lmmfao!!!!
This is my dream blog: Leather vests, Carrot Top, Mullets. Too…many…jokes. I like you bitches.
Am I the only one who thinks that the guy in the first one reminds them of John Mayer?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:JohnMayer.jpg
sorry, I meant to post a link to a picture…
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/time100/article/0,28804,1595326_1595332_1616690,00.html
Did y’all notice that Carrot Top has Ken doll hips. I mean really. I wonder if he has molded on underwear under there??
Is that first cover the infamous DaSalvo?
Then you had to post Carrot Top! Have you no shame?
Excuse me while I go puke.
Carrot Tob…ewww. I think that pic was worse than all three covers combined. Although the Zombies in Lust third one comes in a close second. Necrophila is OMG sooo hawt!!! *retch*
Guy #1 is a little John Mayer-ish. I have to think about him now, all slow sexy guitar hero. It might help erase the “I never want to look at men again because I’ve been ruined by Carrot Top” trauma.
The woman in the Gaffney pic is popping a zit on Undeadman’s chin. Ick.
Now I have this (naked) image of what’s holding up Carrot Top’s pants. Sort of one of those half mast situations.
Shit, this wasn’t how I wanted to end my day.
problems33—yes Houston, we’ve got problems galore!
Ahahahaha, my evil plan to spread blindness throughout the world has just taken one GIANT leap forward! I’d like to thank Carrot Top and his extremely thorough bikini waxer, without whom none of this would’ve been possible. (Forward all hate mail to them, people.)
MamaNice, I saw that Carrot Top monstrosity on the Go Fug Yourself blog, which is to fashion what the Bitches are to romance novel covers. It’s addictive, that site, yet it hurts the retinas so, so bad. Check it out. You’ll be sorry you did, and yet somehow addicted… visual crack, that’s what it is.
Speaking of the crack, anyone else notice how the incredibly buff Poser guy still has this randomly saggy ass? How can someone be that toned and yet have their ass sag so much? Did a butt implant slip?
(And dear lord, I can’t keep from posting this horror story. Holy crap.)
And seriously, what is going ON with the 3rd cover chick’s arm? Are we sure there’s not another person reaching into the pic from just out of the frame? So many questions, so few answers…
Is it necrophilia if they’re both dead?
ODG! My first thought of the poser was that that’s what Beauty’s Beast would look like naked. Just disturbing on so many levels.
I think that one cover guy is DeSalvo too. Glad I wasn’t the only one who thought so.
Carrot Top… OMG.
Should another rule be added to the drinking game? I’m going to need a whole lotta Grey Goose for that pic.
OMG – I am more grateful than ever I have some say in the cover art for my books!!
Good Holy Prepubescent Jesus! That Poser dude is absolutely the most frightening creature I have ever had the misfortune to see. Who the hell chose that picture to market what might have been a sellable product?!?!?!
I’m going to have nightmares about that. For weeks. Maybe months. That may even fall under the heading of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
*shuddering in horror, curled in the fetal position in my chair, tears slipping silenty down my cheeks*
I clicked below the fold! WHY???
No one should start their day in this manner.
I’d totally read that bottom one, though, because it’s clear from the cover that it’s a horror romance; lust on The Island of Dr. Moreau.
Nora, it’s a lesson all visitors to SBTB must learn. Clicking below the fold is hazardous to your mental health.
By the way, I just noticed something… is it just me, or does the Poser Carrot Top guy have no nipples?
Oh, mah God. I’m unfortunately fixated on Plastic Man’s dislocated shoulder. WTF?
You know, it’s times like these that I’m glad I’m blind as a bat without my glasses!
When will I learn not to click on what’s behind the cut?
Poser guy: Ahh! Too much forehead!!
Sweet Jesus on a cracker – why, oh why did I click? Now the crusty looking leather hips of Carrot Top have burned themselves into my brain and I can’t seem to stop rocking back and forth.
shudder
Whoa. Feed me, Seymour.
Then again, maybe not…
What gets me about Carrot Top is that his belly is tanned but his hips aren’t.
Either he’s out tanning wearing a V-shaped pair of briefs (really unlikely if he’s a true redhead, since redheads generally can’t tan) or he thought that was a good self-tanning pattern despite wearing his trou so low.
Spamword “short23”. I’m sure it is.