Bookseller Chick made me snort-laugh with this entry about authors you know you should give up, but just can’t.
I have two:
- Stephen King – he started to suck the almighty hairy nut starting around Gerald’s Game, but I can’t stop buying his books. I don’t even read them. I just have them. Sometimes, I cave in and attempt to read one, like that time I tried to read Black House because I love The Talisman so damn much, but when I found out King and Straub had perverted it into yet another goddamn motherfucking Gunslinger-related book, the book dropped from my nerveless fingers and I had to break into my emergency stash of scientific non-fiction just to calm my nerves.
The books, they taunt me. I can hear them. And sometimes, I cry in the cold, unforgiving dark for the love that used to be.
- Robert Jordan – The less said about that habit, the better. No, really. I’ve stopped reading, but my heart stops and I pause dead in the bookstore every time I see a hardcover book with his name embossed on the dustjacket, and I pick it up, hope singing in my heart, and the refrain, it hums is this it, is this it, is this FINALLY it, will you finally find peace? only to find that no, the saga isn’t even close to coming to an end yet.
Deep in my heart, I know this to be true: they hurt me only because they love me. I can leave them any time. No, I swear it.
Robert Jordan … yessss … the man is sick now and he’s saying not to worry because he’s planning to write for thirty more years and I just keep hoping he doesn’t mean he’ll be writing this series for the next thirty years! I want the ending! Please!!!
And I’m still waiting for the end of Melanie Rawn’s Exiles trilogy … how many years has it been?
Right now I am so very grateful I have not read any of the books in that series.
My fingers always hover over Black House, because The Talisman is one of my fsvorite books ever…I just wasn’t sure about the idea of a sequel, and the more I heard about it the more unsure I was.
Now I know I was right not to buy.
Robert Jordan kills kittens with his writing alone.
Truth … but he hooked me young and I just want to be there at the end … you know?
Hee. I read the first one. And the second. I think I gave up when I realized that the “relationships” in the books were nothing more than adolescent wish-fulfillment. Rand nails Min (who I loved!), Rand nails the princess, Rand nails the barbarian chick. Rand loves them all! I began to see a pattern.
I realize I didn’t address this topic, though. To be honest, I don’t do author loyalty. Certain authors become auto-buys for me because I have consistently loved their writing, but if they fuck up and disappoint me with crap, I may not buy them again. One stinker puts them on probation; two puts them on the “I used to like that guy / chick a lot” list.
I have to disagree with with Koontz, though. Someone listed him over on Bookseller Chick as having jumped the shark. They need to read Lightning, Odd Thomas, and Life Expectancy. Those are some seriously kick ass books and I didn’t even like his horror shit. I would say he’s getting better, not worse.
Ugh. Robert Jordan. You’re better off reading Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth series. Goodkind’s a much better writer, in my opinion.
I’m not big on being a “fan” in most categories. If I like something you write, I’ll give something else you write a chance and if it sucks I’ll be wary the next time, but I’ll give something else a try if it sounds interesting. I’m the same with music and tv/movies. Though there have been a few musicians, writers, etc that have yet to let me down, so I kind of consider myself a fan, but I’m definitely not the rabid defender type. I like what I like until I don’t like it anymore.
While I agree that King has become a hit-or-miss author, I actually really enjoy the Dark Tower series, and was very happy to see him finally finish the main storyline. I actually like to see the little threads of that story/world show up in small ways in his other books.
And I completely agree about Jordan. Can you believe I actually kept up with the series until book 8? Now, my husband skims them, I ask if anything interesting or productive happened, he tells me no, and I wait to see if the next book will finally be “the one”.
Diana Palmer loves me…I swear!! What’s—? Oh no, no, I just fell down some stairs—I’m really clumsy.
Shut up, our love is pure!
Noooooo! Not Terry Goodkind! I stuck with him for 3 books too many. That is to say, four books in total. The first one has an interesting/disturbing S&M digression which I thought was pretty cool. By the second book he had developed this into a major theme and it was obvious what he really wanted to write about—not to mention turning his kick-ass heroine into a simpering girly girl. By the fourth book it had completely devolved into some kind of Ayn Randian screed. I just picked up the back cover of his latest book (#6, #10?) and it seems his two main characters are STILL after umpteen books, separated and trying to find each other. Jeebus!
Also, Ken Follett. His first 3 books are great. Everything after that is lousy pulp fiction.
Stephanie Laurens. I swear there are more Cynsters in Regency England than Wayanses in Hollywood. After a while she even starts mentioning in the books that they’re all the same.
I couldn’t get through the second chapter of Black House. But King’s upcoming Lisey’s Story? I thought it was brilliant on too many levels to count.
Hit or miss, maybe. But this one was a whopping bull’s eye for me.
Nora: damn you and your enabling ways!
*looks at pile of unread (and largely unreadable) Stephen King*
*looks up Lisey’s Story on Amazon*
*starts weeping*
Kimber, I’m with you on Terry Goodkind. His writing comes off as misogynist to me; he writes female characters, but he doesn’t seem to like any of them. He’s no Louise Cooper, that’s for sure. My fantasy A-list consists of:
Richard Adams
Lloyd Alexander
Clive Barker (giving him a nod for Imagica)
Terry Brooks (he entertains me, he’s sort of a guilty pleasure)
Stephen Brust
CJ Cherryh
Louise Cooper
Charles de Lint
Stephen Donaldson
Dave Duncan
David Eddings (he veers into Jordan territory but I don’t hate him for it)
Raymond Feist
CS Friedman (Coldfire trilogy, mmm)
Neil Gaiman
Guy Gavriel Kaye
Katharine Kerr
Katherine Kurtz (I get these two ladies mixed up but I like both their stuff)
Tanith Lee
Ursula LeGuin
George R.R. Martin
Patricia McKillip
Sharon Shinn
Sean Stewart
Tad Williams
Connis Willis
Terri Windling
Roger Zelazny
I can’t believe no one has metioned Her yet. You know. . . Laurell? Maybe because no one is actually hanging in there anymore?
I’m not sure if I’m ashamed of this or not, but I hung in longer than most. Danse Macabre (the latest) is the first one I didn’t buy. But I made a clean break. Wasn’t even tempted. I just stood in the bookstore and sneered at it. You’re not taking me down this time, bitch. I’m saving my money for GOOD porn.
Okay, the truth. I’m still hooked on Merry Gentry. :down:
I’ve never read Robert Jordan, but my father used to read him, and every time he sees a copy of one of his books, he launches into this thing about how he never stops publishing them, and it makes me want to keep a lookout for them so I can veer him away before he sees it. Or just keep saying “It’s okay, Dad, it’s okay…”
Wait! I’m better than that. I didn’t read Micah. I repeat: I did not read Micah. Yeah!
I didn’t mention Laurell K. because she’s so, well, obvious. She’s the queen of bad but addictive books. She’s the patron saint of “why does a tiny flicker of hope spark in my soul when I see that you’ve published a new book?” That flicker is always quickly doused, of course. But it’s always there.
Another reason I didn’t mention her is that I have given up on her. I don’t buy her books anymore. I don’t even get them from the library. Life is to short, Laurell! Too short!
I am proud to say I have never, ever read a Laurel K. Hamilton book. But I caved on Janet Evanovich when stranded in Elmhurst, IL this July. (whispers) It made me feel dirty but I kinda liked it.
Ugh, Robert Jordan. I got sucked into that never-ending series back in college, summer of 1993 or so. I read the first four books and realized I’d read about 3200 pages and jackass hadn’t even declared himself the Dragon Reborn yet. I promptly gave away the paperbacks and washed my hands of the whole business. As I said to my friend, “There’s Epic, and there’s Get Over Yourself.”
I swear to god Stephen King has some kind of mystical power over people. I’m thinking he’s researched so many creepy crawlies he found the ultimate reader-enchantment spell. I do happen to like the Dark Tower series and I re-read them lately. . . and then bought another King book. Because he still has the gift, right? Um…maybe not.
I hung on with Anne Rice for a looooong time too. My poor Mayfair Witches. Gawd she fucked up Mona.
As for romance? Jude Deveraux is my crack. I wanted to boot Darci of the Forever series in the head. Yet I still buy.
Oh, GAWD, the Forever series. WHAT WAS THAT?
As for Stephen King, I’ve sort of gotten over him. For now, anyway. But The Stand haunts the attic that is my mind. It pops into my head all the time. Every single time I drive through a tunnel, for instance. And I live in the mountains, so that’s a lot of tunnels. God, that was good shit.
Oh God yes.
Anne Rice should be publicly paddled for the steaming heap that was Lasher.
Oh The Stand! I went to Vegas recently and at various points I kept thinking “Ceeeeebbooooollllaaa”. Not even sure if that’s the right phrase exactly. (What that firebug screamed as he ran through the streets.)
You know, I’ve had a recurring nightmare involving rats because my Sophmore english teacher (who even looked eerily like King) read us the short story “Night Shift” in class one day.
Anne Rice should be publicly paddled for the steaming heap that was Lasher.
She’d probably like that too much. Reference the Beauty books.
BTW, how do y’all do that quote thing?
Ya know, I’ve always been able to drop authors when they bore me. I might give them one chance past the suckfest that was but not one has ever redeemed themselves.
I’m very good at dropping boyfriends as well.
I just like to pretend that they are dead and don’t exist anymore.
I’m with you guys on the Mayfairs … but I have to make a confession … I picked up Danse Macabre at the library … *sobs*
As for Jordan, I have an enabler at home. The man was also hooked early and we enable eachother. It’s all so very co-dependant.
Danielle Steele…haven’t read her in years but just checked out her latest from the library and skipped thru it in about 30 minutes. Ghastly. Did no one ever tell her “show, don’t tell?” How can she continue to be published? Cardboard characters. Clueless.
Can’t do Stephen King anymore, altho The Stand remains a favorite.
Johanna Lindsay. I canna read the lassie nae more.
Have lost track of which alphabet letter Kinsey Milhone story I should be reading…surely the English alphabet is just too long. Blocking on author’s name.
No more Dan Brown. Never, never, no matter how many upside down and backwards puzzles he sticks in there.
Now, if we were gonna list our must-buys, that might make some interesting reading….
you do the [ brackets with quote between them to start and /quote to close it out.
It’s pretty hard to find books in English here in Mexico City so I picked up a book by Danielle Steel called ImPossible. I think I had read something by her, years ago. And from what I can tell, her formula appears to be: young woman marries man who provides her with monetary security and paternal love, but no passion, man dies, she gets it on with a hot guy.
This book was really no different, except she made her heroine a bit older. To reflect her life better? I dunno. The book was dreadful, though. It ran 300+ pages of nonsense just to have the protagonists decide that an older woman / younger man relationship is possible. Say what? Duh. We already knew that.
Well, I’ll be hornswoggled. I had no idea that our comments accept UBB code as well. Nifty!
Another acceptable way to do this is so the old-fashioned HTML way, i.e. start off with <blockquote>, then paste the relevant text and close off with </blockquote>.
I do it the html way. (Like that matters)
You have to actually WRITE the word Quote between the [ brackets! Cool. I have always wanted to do this. Always. Thank you SmartBitches. *wiping a tear from my eye*
Me too!
And I will also take this opportunity to admit that I still have signed copies of Lasher and Servant of the Bones.
You know this all feels kind of freeing. Like standing up in an AA meeting, I imagine.
When I get done with my current WIP about Samoans, penguins and hot sex (not necessarily all in the same scene), I’m gonna write a nonfic called “All I Ever Needed to Know about HTML I Learned on Smart Bitches.”
My list of Never Again authors:
Danielle Steele. I just…just can’t do it anymore! No more heroines who I yell at saying ” Well no shit you dumb bitch! ”
Sue Grafton: Kinsey Milhone drove me Crrrrrazy! Bitch had some severe OCD! Always washing peoples dishes and freaking out about smelling like smoke! I don’t care for it either yet I don’t run home and wash my hair after I walk through a puff of it.
Johanna Lindsay: After I lost my virginity and saw the reality of sex I just could’nt read them with a straight face any more!
Stephanie Laurens: Read my lips! NO MORE CYNISTERS!!! That and i’m still pissed off that she never wrote Eric’s story (that was SL right?)
Laurell K. Hamilton: How she would describe what the heroine was wearing Always ALWAYS the little pom-pon or the tiny strip in that bitches sock would match the swoosh in her Nike shoe! Fuck-me!
Patricia Cornwell anyone? “Trace” sucked so bad I don’t know where to begin. I used to like Kay Scarpetta. She knew her shit, kicked ass, and her personal life was always just screwed up enough to make her interesting. She has been going down hill slowly for quite some time. Cornwell took what I thought was a pretty big risk with “Blow Fly” when she changed the format of the series. She changed from 1st person narration with Scarpetta to multiple POVs. I thought it worked because there was a lot of stuff going on in that book that Scarpetta could not know about. I was hopeful that this signaled a positive corner she was turning. Hah!
She has gone entirely too far now. The only characters in “Trace” who don’t have a POV are the dead ones and I seriously kept expecting the next paragraph to begin..“Gilly didn’t like being in a body bag. It was cold and it was dark.”
The worst part was the ending. It is as if she used all of her writing and investigative skills to purposely write the most anticlimactic ending in the history of modern literature.
I have no doubt I will buy her next Scarpetta novel because I just keep thinking, surely she knows. Surely she will do better. She can’t be satisfied with how she has left things. Maybe she and Laurell K. Hamilton need to do some group therapy on how not to destroy perfectly awesome characters.
Don’t even get me started on LKH.
LKH. Sue Grafton. Piers Anthony. LKH. LKH. I read one Stephen King and thought it kicked sand. Rhonda Nelson.
Authors who are no longer an autobuy and I get the library copy: L.K. Hamilton, Janet Evanovich. I’m still buying Linda Howard, but it’s been hit-or-miss. Jude Deveraux’s feeling more and more like a guilty pleasure.
Christine Feehan (not sure if that’s how you spell it cause I sold all her books at a yard sale and I felt really bad about it, too, because I’m not sure the person I sold them to realized it was the same book over and over and over). And she does more than one series. And they’re still the same book over and over and over. First book was interesting and I’m thinking, “hey! how interesting!” and it took me a few books to realize she never changes anything except the names. The way she describes her heros is the same each book, the women in her books are roughly the size of sixth grade school girls, which gives off this weird vibe like the hero is getting a leg over with someone who is underage, every single damn time, and no matter what color their hair is it’s long, luxurious, and gets in their eyes…A LOT! I think this writer has a writing program that asks her to fill in the blanks. Her characters and plots are interchangable and then suddenly she’ll do something that’s original and brilliant (very rarely) only to ruin it by going right back to the formula. She needs to get a clue or be stopped.