Some people contend that the premises for most great speculative fiction can be summarized in one sentence. We here at Smart Bitches like to go a bit further than that: we maintain that the premises and plot points for the best (and worst) romance novels can be summarized in four words. Feel free to play along at home and try to guess the the novels we’re talking about, and provide a four-word précis for your own favorites in the comments.
Virgin royalty spontaneously lactates.
Unwilling wife? Use cream!
Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires!
Chicken Marsala, great shoes.
Victorian miss loves ninja.
Not retarded; just deaf.
Not retarded; stroke victim.
Hedgehog saves the day.
Soon she’ll settle in.
Rape rape rape. Virgin!
Not really a whore.
Preserve virginity with 
The widow’s a VIRGIN!
Scarface finds true love.
Who is the daddy?
Evil twin = true love. (OK, so this one is sort of cheating a little with the word requirement.)
Cross-dressing captain’s crew? Buttpirates.
Conscientious objector is virgin.
Her mom: Hester Stanhope.
No memory? No problem!
Synesthetic musician seduces ingénue.
Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. (Alternatively: Love and bubonic plague.)
Her trauma? Scarred legs.
No condom means love.
He was a hooker.
Unbalanced highwayman in love.
She fucks fey folk.
She fucks moving things.
Wow—I recognize some of these. Can’t tell you the title in every case, but wow—I remember reading these books.
Lover Eternal, J.R. Ward Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires!
Silent Melody, Mary Balogh Not retarded; just deaf.
Flowers From the Storm: Laura Kinsale Not retarded; stroke victim.
Why is it I know the angsty books?
“She fucks fey folk.” and “She fucks moving things.” Anita Blake and Merry Gentry. Er, other way around.
“Not really a whore.” Half the Regencies.
“The widow’s a VIRGIN!” The other half.
Chicken Marsala, great shoes: Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie.
Why was there SO MUCH chicken marsala? I’d have gotten seriously sick of it by then, but she ate it for pretty much every meal.
Oooh, I recognize some:
Victorian miss loves ninja = Laura Kinsale’s The Shadow and The Star
Hedgehog saves the day = Laura Kinsale’s Midsummer Moon
Unwilling wife? Use cream! = Catherine Coulter’s Midsummer Magic (or The Heir?)
The widow’s a VIRGIN! = Adele Ashworth’s Duke of Sin
Am I right? Am I right?
Thank you, Anji! I am officially going to get a copy of The Shadow and the Star, because I’ve heard so much good about LK and that synopsis is great.
Also, can someone identify “He was a hooker”? Er, just curious, really.
Chicken marsala. Great shoes. is Bet Me.
Not retarded. Just deaf. is Annie’s Song.
My own 4 word lines-
for Bet Me- Orgasmic over Krispy Kremes.
for the romance genre in general-
They bang. And bang.
Her mom: Hester Stanhope~~~ OH, OH, OH! This one is on the tip of my tongue!!! I think I skimmed through this book.
Her trauma? Scarred legs—Again the Magic by Lisa Kleypas
He was a hooker—Safe Harbor by Nora Roberts
Scarface finds true love—Raven Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt
Cross-dressing captain’s crew? Buttpirates. Pirate’s Price, of course.
Other winners:
Unbalanced highwayman in love=Prince of Midnight.
She fucks fey folk = Every Merry Gentry novel.
She fucks moving things=The more recent Anita Blake books.
Hedgehog saves the day=Midsummer Moon.
Victorian miss loves ninja=The Shadow and the Star.
Her mom: Hester Stanhope=The Dream Hunter.
Ha, I love those Kinsales in a row! “Not retarded; stroke victim”! Flowers from the Storm.
Perhaps: Savage what? Oooo…crap.
“Unwilling wife? Use cream!”
Isn’t that *every* Catherine Coulter regency?
(All the ones I’ve read, anyway. It gets old fast.)
(My word—series16. Yes! At least 16 times in that series, hero had to Use the Cream.)
He was a hooker could also be a couple of Robin Schone’s books, couldn’t it? I’m thinking of THE LOVER and and GABRIEL’S WOMAN. Weren’t both those heroes former boy toys?
Scarface finds true love: Beast by Judith Ivory?
How about:
Earth, Wind, Fire and Foe? Nora Roberts, the Sisters Trilogy. *grin*
Thank you. The Robin Schone were going to drive me nuts all day. All I could remember was Gabriel’s name and some of the odder details of that story line.
How about “Loves vampire, loses personality”?
or “Youthful bet was cover”, “Kidnapping to save orphanage”, and “PTSD, roses: not traitor.”
And more: “Mortal fear of bees.”
“Easily duped by veil.”
“Must solve murder first.” (That goes for like half the Cynster series.)
And, haha: “PTSD victims need threesomes.”
Rat catcher? No problem. (The Proposition)
One balled leather man. (Obvious)
Am retarded; still hot. (Simple Jess)
Hmm, couldn’t you say that
Rape rape rape. Virgin! is Kathleen Woodiwiss’s The Flame and The Flower?
Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. (Alternatively: Love and bubonic plague.) = Barbara Samuel’s Bed of Spices
Mortal fear of bees – Mine Til Midnight by Lisa Kleypas
Or the mortal fear of bees could also Julia Quinn’s The Viscount Who Loved Me.
“Wallflower is Gossip Queen” – Romancing Mister Bridgerton
“Romancing the Football ” – all of Susan Elizabeth Phillips Chicago Stars books
One balled leather man. (Obvious)
Obvhious, even?
Lisabea, your summary of Simple Jess made me snarfle and choke. Good jorb!
Why hasn’t anyone remarked on the “Preserve virginity with buttsecks” book yet? Because I read that one recently, and oh my god, my jaw dropped. And dropped. And dropped some more. She wasn’t even a Catholic schoolgirl!
Also, “He was a hooker” fits either Robin Schone titles mentioned, and also Laura Leone’s Fallen from Grace (which I need to review some time soon).
No condom means love.
Anything by Susan Elizabeth Peters and some Suzanne Brockmans as well. 🙁
Regency vampire; good hair.
Candy, the “preserves virginity with buttsecks” has me stumped, but my jaw dropped when I read the summary. As for some of the others, they could describe half the titles in romancelandia, especially the following:
The widow’s a VIRGIN! – I mean, holy hell, I think I read an Emma Holly steampunk that covered that one!
Not really a whore – I love this contrivance. If you changed it around it could be “not whore, but virgin!”
No condom means love – uh, yeah. Nearly every contemporary these days they ‘forget’ due to LURVE
She fucks fey folk – also describes Fairyville
This list is hilarious. You’d better cough up the buttsecks one…I’m dying to hear it!
Well, since nobody has posted about this one yet . . .
Virgin royalty spontaneously lactates = Princess by Gaelen Foley
I was surprised by how many I knew. Still baffled by the preserving virginity through buttsex.
That being said, when I read “He was a hooker” the song “Copacabana” popped into my head. Clearly I need to read this book so I can attempt filk.
isn’t ‘no condom mean love’ every modern linda howard book?
No memory? No problem!
Dear Sister, of the Sweet Valley High series?
Hmmm…. One in “The Naked Duke” series books has a house party with everyone sneaking around boinking everyone else and there’s a nasty, scheming chick who uses the buttsecks method of retaining her virginity. One of the early scenes in the book has her sneaking naked into the Earl of whatever’s room while he’s asleep and then starting to scream so that he’ll be forced to marry her, but he jumps out the window (also starkers).
Can’t remember who wrote it because I only barely made it through that book and abandoned the series…
Yep, some of these could definitely be more than one book.
“Not retarded; just deaf” could also be Annie’s Song by Catherine Anderson
“Scarface finds true love.” could also be Ravished by Amanda Quick. And I feel like there are a few other titles lurking somewhere in my subconscious.
“The widow’s a VIRGIN!” could also be The Ideal Bride by Stephanie Laurens, or Mistress by Amanda Quick, or ….
How about: “Original miss, discombobulates rake”
Oh let me count the titles…
I thought the “Rape rape rape, virgin” one referred to “The Wolf and the Dove” by Woodiwiss.
J-me, I figured it was all of Linda Howard books? I’m a bit surprised that someone else mentioned that this is a common feature in most contemporaries. Lori Foster does not fall prey to such overused tactics. Neither does Emma Holly. (I want to say Shannon McKenna too, but I suspect that I’m wrong.)
I used to be so frustrated with the Susan Johnson historicals in which legendary male lovers assured their companions that they’ve got the “pull out” method down cold and never got their women pregnant. Puhleeease.
Re: pulling out. Well, of course he never got his lovers pregnant! No 19th century talk show hosts to pay for 19th century DNA tests means the kid ain’t his, the lying whore!
However, a few weeks back I was reading about how the Oneida Society figured something out in the 1840’s.
“Her trauma? Scarred legs.” could also be Silk and Shadows by MJP
I swear some of these titles work for entire Authors/genres…
Unwilling wife? Use cream! = Rosehaven, Catherine Coulter
Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires! = BDB series, JR Ward
Rape rape rape. Virgin! = The Wolf and the Dove, Katherine Woodiwiss
Not really a whore. = Pick any regency novel, and you’re good to go!
Preserve virginity with buttsex? = Jacob’s Faith, Lora Leigh
Scarface finds true love. = Any number of books written by Amanda Quick, Lover Awakened by JR Ward?
Evil twin = true love. = Only With Your Love, Lisa Kleypas
No memory? No problem! = A Kiss To Remember, Teresa Medeiros
Synesthetic musician seduces ingénue. = Phantom of the Opera, Gaston Leroux??
Her trauma? Scarred legs. = Again the Magic, Lisa Kleypas
No condom means love. = Any Lora Leigh contempory sans Breeds
He was a hooker. = Princess/ One Night of Sin, Gaelen Foley
She fucks fey folk. = The Immortal Highlander, Karen Marie Moning
Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. = no idea, but I’d love to read it!
Also for good measure:
Owns boat; does foursomes. (Nauti Boy, Lora Leigh)
Candy if I can make you snarfle and choke my day is complete.
He was a hooker could also be Dreaming of You by Kleypas if I remember correctly.
I had about twenty books in mind for the last one. o_o