Boy, the things you find when you search for “erotic romance” on Amazon.com or Google. Have fun, kids. One of the images is sort of Not Work Safe.
Candy: I think when the woman was telling the dude to remember to get more cheese, she didn’t actually want fumunda. No wonder she looks incredulous.
Ah well. I suppose the guy deserves props for culturing his own. Eat local and eat organic, folks. It’s better for you, and far more sustainable.
Sarah: He’s fallen. And he can’t get up. That right there is some cruel magic. Señora Cheekbones will be making use of that candle in a new and illuminating way very very soon.
Candy: The thing is, I’m pretty sure we’ve snarked this before, but I can’t find it. CURSES. But the title is so good and the cover so…well, not-good, that I figured it’s totally worth it to subject you to this twice.
Anyway, it’s nice that Mattel has finally gone into the sex doll industry, but really, did they have to maker her so candyraver bondage?
Sarah: You know, I was totally buying this cover (not literally) from the Jesus in the back to the Spike-a-like in the front to Mistress Grab-My-Boobs in the middle. But what sent it right over the edge into Absolutely Impossible?
A side ponytail, circa 1981. NO ONE wears a side ponytail. Do you know what kind of a headache you get from those things?
Candy: HOLY LINDA BLAIR CREEPINESS, BATMAN. Something is missing in action, all right—her soul. And possibly your brains, if you’re careless and get yourself within chomping distance of her.
Sarah: Do you think she uses that scarf to measure how much of his ass is peeping north from the back of his pants? Because them are some low, low riders, and her face is not the only full moon, I’m betting. (Psst – ma’am, talk to your doctor about a lower prednisone dose, trust me.)
I think the scarf hides MIA’s broken neck because she cannot be breathing.
And what’s up with the lack of buttocks on the blond guy who serves Polyamorous Princess Barbie?
And, yes, my word below was “answer69.”
I loved that crack about his ass…
ass – crack get it? urrrr
That scarf looks like something used to measure depth. How deep is your love?
Two questions:
Who knew there was an X-rated Sims item out there? (The Polyamorous Princess? What an intriguing title.)
And why, oh why do I always ignore my own advice and slurp coffee while looking at this site? I should know better – especially when there are covers involved!
~My verification was involved89. Wow. Can this system please give me a winning lotto number? 😉 ~
Why does Polyamorous Princess have the same hairstyle as Chrissy Snow from Three’s Company?
Does that mean that one of those guys is Joyce Dewitt?
I love how the first cover, “Black’s Magic”, makes obvious, in-the-face use of the font for the PC game Neverwinter Nights. How original!
I like how, on “Black’s Magic,” there appears to be garlic hanging on the upper left hand side.
What it has to do with anything, I’m not sure. But I like it.
Your cover-snarks are delightful. (and yes, my tea is off to the side, away from the computer.) To offer my own snarking…
Cover 1: the guy looks like something very precious to him just went missing – Ahh! give that back! I wasn’t finished with it! (maybe she got tired of his punishing kisses?)
Cover 2: Something looks very wrong about the blond man’s neck. And as mentioned, where are his buttocks? OBviosuly they aren’t too worried about omfort wither, there’s no pile of cushions/padding/blankets/bed anywhere to be seen in this little shot, just cold metal grating and maybe-stone walls. Ouch. As for her long blond hair… couldn’t they have just given he two ponytails, or left it loose or something? Anything other than ‘wait! she MUST have long flowing hair, and we can’t hit the dark haired guy with the perky ponytail! why not put it at the back of her head? no, far too traditional! the side, yes, the side it must beee…..
Cover 3: errrmmm, why are you going after this chick? She wants to go, let her leave! And tighten that belt up before your pants fall down, dude. Or develop some butt-muscles to hold them up.
as for my verification word… seven26 – she looks like se7en might be one of her favorite movies (brrr…)
You know what always strikes me about these covers is how joyless everyone looks. Not one of the people involved has a smile, or looks like they are having fun, or that sex might be a joyful thing. I guess the first one might be reflecting that sex is hot, at least for the chick since she (perhaps) doesn’t have a dick to lose, but the Missing in Action cover is horrific, and the one with the people made by Poser is just unspeakable.
Are there covers where the people look like they are having really good sex, or are at least thinking about having really good sex? It’s kind of weird, now that I think about it, that happy people on sexy covers seem hard to find. They usually seem kind of grim.
believe47. You betcha.
Damn, even the font is ugly.
Those computer-generated figures are the stuff of nightmares. I wouldn’t buy a book that had a cover like that with someone else’s money.
Why is the blonde guy in the second cover wearing girl’s panties?
Something about the blond guy’s chest & arms in the second one looks so WRONG. Kinda narrow chest, hulking huge arms, and humpbacked shoulders?? He looks like an alien’s approximation of what a human guy is shaped like.
Side pony is the best! Ouch!
Oh, geez. That cover makes me ashamed to be polyamorous. If that’s the Polyamory Princess, the royal family of Polyamorania has been inbreeding already.
Also, I would like to point out that so little care was shown for the quality of the illustration that they didn’t care that a bit of blond boy’s forearm at the elbow joint has been erased.
Retitle it The Polyzombie Princess and I might believe it.
*snort* prednisone… heeee….
Is that a mirror next to the candle in the first cover, or does she have his other head on a spike as well?
The figures on cover 2 look like they were made from party balloons. And not in a good way.
In that first cover, I’m sure he’s grabbed himself because he just burned his package in the candle flame…
Just realized that the black hands on the polyamorous princess’s front regions are PARTS OF HER BRA and not a dude.
I do not find this stylish.
(I like the guy’s body in the first one, though. *shame* *head hanging*)
Hee. “property27” Does that make me a sub of some kind?
Cover one..burning pubes smell awful or she is not happy with what she has just seen.
When I first looked at cover two I thought there must be a third guy hiding behind the enormous neck-snapping side tail, giving her (no doubt) heaving bosoms some much needed support but I see she is just wearing a bra fashioned from hands. What, she needs constant reminding of how it feels to be felt up? Weird.
First thought that popped into my head on perusing cover three…..‘I didn’t realize they published erotic literature for necrophliacs…ewwww?’
So I’m not the only one that looked for a third dude in cover #2 before I realized it was her weird-ass bra!
And thanks to Lizzy for pointing out the garlic hanging off to the side. I couldn’t figure out what that was and thought maybe the Black Magic lady collected men’s bits on a string (I know, I know, disturbing thought. But hde is cupping himself in protection. She could be that cruel.)
Zombie chick on the 3rd cover needs to give him her scarf to hold up his pants. Obviously his belt is defective. Unless he’s trying to be gangsta and there’s another book with white-boy-gangsta-talk out there *shudders*
What I found most shocking in cover no.2 was not the subject, the hairstyling or the bizarre garments, staggeringly bad though they all are: it was the sheer, blazing incompetence of the drawing. For heaven’s sake, how does an individual who draws like that get commissioned to do cover art, even if it is cover art for an obviously daft book by a woman who calls herself ‘Melodee’? Melodee. I ask you.
Really bad drawing and painting offends me, and there is plenty of it to be seen on mainstream category romance, though this one probably deserves some kind of prize for sheer hopelessness.
I think Cover #2 is completely computer-generated, which explains the badness. Sort of. (Video games, for one, look FAR better than that nowadays.)
My question is less “why is it awful” and more “why THAT medium?” Is it cheap to do graphics that way? Cheaper than ink and paint?
I hope this is not becoming a trend.
Mac: yes, Yes, it is cheaper. Especially when the artists hired aren’t skilled enough to make the covers look good—it can be done with Poser, just not apparently very often.
And I thought it was hands, not a bra. Reckon they sell those at Victoria’s Secret? “Do you feel lonely? Wish some dude was folding your chest? Well, wish no more! The Hands On Bra is here! Realistic hands, cupping your breasts lovingly all day long. You’ll never need a man again!”
The dude in the background of cover #3… isn’t that one of those awful, painful pumped up pics of Carrot top?
Um, dude… in that second one… either there is an invisible person wearing black rubber oven cleaning gloves under her hair or the dark guy is elasto-man. Cuz srsly, his hands can’t get to her boobs from there.
???
The blond guy in the second cover has bigger boobs than I do.
And all I really want to know is wtf is up with his knickers. What is on the front of them? That little metal circle? Is that a cockring? Or is that where his zombie penis screws in?
Waiting for the release of The Hands On Bra. Who needs to date?
I looked at them all again. I have a flu, so I’ve got nothing but time … #1 just leaves me with a feeling of shame. I can’t help thinking this guy is ashamed of his package.
#3 just creeps me out. I really hope the combination of looking at that chick’s eyes and medication won’t give me nightmares.
Allison: “where his zombie penis screws in.” That earned the rare giggle-snort from me. And a mental image I’m having a hard time removing…thanks.
#1: After her little beat-boxing performance, I expected more from something including Celine Dion and that title.
#2: That’s not Jesus, it’s Keanu – and he’s like so totally mezmerized by the big fake gem in her She-Ra crown. And srsly, this poser artist should give up his day job and design lingerie for cos-play fans. I say “his” because, I find it quite the stretch of the imagination to believe a chick came up with that handy piece of titty-gear (it doesn’t deserve the term “clothing”)
#3: Just creeps me out. Dude in the background it stalking her – so is he her killer and she’s returned from the dead to seek…justice?
Cover #1: I hate to say it, but I was surprised the guy had to two-hand himself. Is he protecting his “precious” from the candle? Who’s face is in the mirror?
Cover #2: Side ponytail Barbied looks like her neck has been snapped and is now dead. The distance from her shoulder to the elbow seems rather long to me. Finally, creepy dude with the dark hair is f’n scary, not sexy at all!
God, I’m constantly amazed at how someone could look at this stuff as the finished product and give a big thumbs up. I always feel so terrible for the authors.
There’s so much graphic-arts ebullience in the first cover, it reminds me of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World—all in one little space and with a nekkid man, too. Wheee!
I cannot wrap my mind around the second and am not much inclined to try. That purple hand of Jesus on the female’s thigh, the pawprints on Golden Boy’s shorts, the suggestion of a stained-glass window in the background…whoa. I think Geraldo needs to examine this one for signs of Satanic symbolism.
Umm, I thought the scarf was a snake.
And all I want now is some “Hands On Panties” and I’m set…
Cover #2 Oh my god! Keanu does not have legs! Look! Look! I see a pelvis, but there’s no legs there!
(Are there?)
I’m disconcerted.
KimberlyD~I’m glad I’m not the only one that thought those things in the top left corner of #1 were ummmm, not garlic LOL
Polyamorous Princess: I’m not sure who the chick is, but I think the guys are Professor Snape and Lucius Malfoy.
#1) does that look like a male celine dion impersonator to anyone else? and if his hands are that veiny, does that mean, er, his other bits are too?
#2) CGI does not equal sexy, or erotic, or appealing in any way. and that dude totally looks a thing like jesus, and he probably doesn’t talk like a gentleman.
#3) nice to see the original veruca salt got more work as a model. also, that belt is not helping his pants stay up.
My first thought on cover #1 “AAAHHH! You burned my Weiner off!”
Cover #2 That’s one handy bra, all right. But Spike and Jesus? Honey, they’re just not into you.
#3 Undead Kristy MacNichol is supposed to be sexy?
@ Nakhash : OH MY GOD!! #2 really is Draco and Snape! Holy shit. Now I kind of want to read it.
As for the side ponytail, obviously Sarah has not been to Japan recently. It’s ALL ABOUT the side ponytail here, although they are not usually as big and blonde.
Thank goodness Lizzy pointed out that’s a string of garlic in the upper left of cover #1. I was seeing something entirely different. It looked to me like a stack of geoducks seen, er, head-on.
Thanks to all,Sarah, Candy, and commenters, for the laughs. Really needed them today.
#1: OH. That’s his arm.