THIS BOOK IS SO DUMB.
Like, it is ACTIVELY STUPID.
I thought I was getting a forced proximity medieval, and I thought maybe this could be cool and fun, and then I saw that it’s a reprint of The Barbarian and the Princess, which Krahn published in 1993, so I thought “Oh, Old Skool wackiness! I’ve kinda missed that!” and then I got some of the shittiest world building EVER and I’m just annoyed.
It’s roughly 1200 or so, and Thera is the Crown Princess of a tiny kingdom called Mercia (not the real one, which was the bulk of what is now England, but a fake one, tucked into the edge of Brittany in France). In order to become queen, she needs to get married. While out on a husband hunting trip to… somewhere in France-ish (It doesn’t matter), the town she’s in gets attacked by barbarians or mercenaries, and she flees with her lady in waiting. She gets rescued by another barbarian mercenary, Saxxe Rouen, who because he is a mercenary, demands payment for helping her, and the payment he demands is that she spend a night in his blankets. She’s like, cool, we can do that, also you lay a hand on me and I’ll cut your dick off (right on). As the trip goes on, she needs to bargain for other things (like being saved from a snake) and he gets a promise of three nights of pleasure.
Okay, we’re gonna stop right here for a minute. Yes, from the moment they meet, the sexual attraction sparks are flying. Yes, this is a uptown girl and a downtown boy thing. Yes, this is still kinda gross, even if Saxxe is like “I am REALLY good at the sex, and I know you want it” and Thera is like “I know I want it, but I don’t WANT to want it.” It’s still an Old Skool rapey premise.
Then they get to Mercia, which WEIRDLY, even though it’s hanging off the edge of France like a pointless appendix, NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW ABOUT. And then things get really stupid. No one in France knows about Mercia….except for a handful of nobles that Thera was considering as potential husband material. Mercia has completely different customs and religious beliefs than LITERALLY ALL OF EUROPE. Because what makes Thera married is not a ceremony, and apparently it doesn’t matter how many people she bangs, as long as she doesn’t spend seven nights with someone. See, she spends seven nights with a man (sex or no) and she’s married!
I guess Christianity just skipped over this gallbladder of a kingdom.
So when Saxxe and Thera show up, and he’s like HEY WHAT UP THIS WOMAN (he didn’t know she was a princess, just that she was rich) OWES ME A BUNCH OF SEX, her people are like “Does that mean she’s finally gonna get married and be our Queen for reals?” No concern about literally any other part of this. None.
But that’s not all. Mercia, because NO ONE KNOWS IT’S THERE, doesn’t have walls. Or an army. People can’t really fight. There’s no garrison. Somehow, this little kingdom has thrived and it’s a lovely SUPER CLEAN place because… like… all the people do there is clean and count things.
This is not great for the plot that has been following Thera and Saxxe across France. The plot is in the form of a younger son who wants to conquer something and prove that he’s awesome and powerful and I am so sick of men who are grasping at power and bullshit all the goddamn time. Anyway, I gave up on the book at the point that Saxxe was like, “but where’s your army tho” and the people of Mercia were like “Well, we’ve never needed one” and I was like “that’s bullshit tho and I’m going stop reading something that makes me mad. Life is short.”
Because yeah, if you want to make it as a tiny little toe kingdom off the foot of France, YOU NEED AN ARMY. AND A WALL. Especially as power struggles have been swirling around your head for centuries and will continue to do so. And there’s no way (NO WAY) that they’re completely self-sustaining. They need to trade with SOMEONE, and people talk! Traders talk! Traders talk a lot!
And this whole “Well, marriage happens after the seventh night, this is out sacred law” and like…no. I just…no. Everything about the world building made me angry. And it would totally work as a fantasy! A fantasy where there’s a spell around the kingdom that makes people forget about it, or not be able to see it, like, I dunno, Wakanda. And maybe, WHILE I AM DRAFTING A WISHLIST AND MAYBE REWRITING IN MY HEAD A LITTLE OK MAYBE MORE THAN A LITTLE, the power dynamics could be less rapey and gross.
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But… but… WHY is it called “THREE Nights with the Princess” if the decisive number of nights is seven?? Inquiring minds want to know!
Also, this seems to be Exhibit X in an infinite number showing that slapping a new title and cover on a rapey old skool romance doesn’t make it any more palatable for modern readers.
‘Somehow, this little kingdom has thrived and it’s a lovely SUPER CLEAN place because… like… all the people do there is clean and count things.’
Is it run by Winnie-the-Pooh’s Kanga? Do they have a Kanga Queen?
I don’t know why the ‘counting things’ is what cracked me up the most about this.
What’s a Pomeranian doing on the cover? Adorable as he is, I didn’t think Poms were medieval dogs…
And why call it Mercia, which (as you point out) was REAL.
Minerva, Poms used to be a larger arctic working breed–I’m not sure how far back they date in that form, but indeed the bred down smaller version we have now (or even close to what we have now) is indeed not super medieval. I think they were bred down in maybe the 1600s? Even if they were smol in 12000, they still weren’t in that part of Europe. They weren’t even brought to Great Britain until 1767… So yeah, no, they don’t really fit this period in that form, esp if this randomly secret kingdom isn’t doing any trade, with Pomerania or (for the bigger dogs) anyone in the arctic.
Also, that dog is SHAVED. Which is a) stupid (with most coats, including floofy double coats) and b) modern. So no matter what breed it is it looks as dumb on that cover as apparently this book is.
I was just thinking “I haven’t read a good RHG rant in ages”. You don’t disappoint.
So basically it was going to turn into a “save the village” plot, something so stock that Blazing Saddles and The Three Amigos made difficult to take seriously.
The really stupid thing is that there are pretty easily accessible romances that we’re written in that part of the world in the 12th century that one could consult if one were to embark on writing this kind of novel. It’s not like you have to extrapolate from a fossil record—there are actual words that people wrote down to describe things like living in Brittany and being wooed by a mysterious stranger from other parts. Spoiler: there’s always a castle.
Was the younger son named Brett?
Even by 1993, this book would have been completely “old school”. We had been moving away from the rapey stuff for a few years by then. I’ll enjoy the rant while skipping the book.
Thank you for providing my first laugh of the day with “Christianity just skipped over this gallbladder of a kingdom.” And for even trying to read this book.
Mercia is clearly based on what happened to that tiny village the Romans couldn’t conquer…
Mercia is clearly based on what became of that tiny village the Romans couldn’t conquer…
‘They need to trade with SOMEONE, and people talk! Traders talk! Traders talk a lot!’
Hence medieval kings like Edward III gave orders that merchants weren’t allowed to travel from certain ports/to certain places when prepping a force to sail to France.
I’d never have made it that far into the book.
@ Christine – There is always a castle! Many hours during my college years were spent reading those original romances. Also, Barbara Tuchman’s excellent A Distant Mirror, so yes, there was a lot of reference material for those Old School authors to use.
I think I read this book back in the day, but I’ll pass on a re-read. I also think Thera’s Mercia sounds like a Hallmark version of a Medieval kingdom.
I read this back in the day and I considered it one of my favorite books because of the Seven Pleasures. I still remember them fondly though not precisely anymore. I’m pretty there was touching, being touched, taking, and giving (all demonstrated by the Barbarian to the Princess). I also remember flower petals dropping down from a tree on them and I was enchanted by all that. Younger days and younger me, I guess. I don’t remember anything close to rape, unlike say Rosemary Rogers’ trilogy about Steve and Ginny where the heroine was routinely raped by both the hero and others and which I could not continue to stomach after I managed to get through the first two books (I still don’t understand why everybody thinks theirs is such a great love story when they spent most of it apart, including sleeping with multiple other partners). I don’t reread things because there’s always something new so I don’t know how I’d react to reading it today.
I am sorry for your pain. But be careful with that redrafting, it might take over your life.
I have six pages of a first draft just trying to answer “If the Twilight Saga is a fanfic with Bella Swann as a self-insert Mary Sue, what would the original book be like?”
Also, is her right leg abnormally long? Trying to picture where her butt would be under the dress, she either has an exceptionally long waist or an exceptionally long leg, I think.
LOL I remember reading this book too and for someone reason I thought the nights spent together were three. It wasn’t as horribly rapey as others I have read over the years but it wasn’t one of the best. I still remember it though and the original title which is saying something. I think I actually enjoyed the side romance between the barbarian’s friend and the lady in waiting more than the main one. That one was sweeter.
And this is why I gave it a D-. Ended up finishing the thing though.
You noped out before they got to the whole Thera-can’t-rule-alone-because-the-rule-of-the-kingdom-requires-a-sacred-balance-of-male-and-female part of the plot, lucky you. Also unshockingly Saxxe’s theory about them needing to arm themselves proves to be right but it all just serves to make Thera seem like a massively terrible leader and Saxxe’s might-equals-right bullshit more ‘correct’.
@Kris Bock — OMG OMG OMG NOW I CANNOT UNSEE HER LANKY MISSHAPEN THREE-YARDS-LONG LEGS