Much Ado about Magic looks like the perfect beach book. The back cover promises a psychic portrait painter and a “rogue” sea captain. How could I ask for more? Well, I’ll tell you what more I could ask for – a hero who isn’t sexist and the avoidance of racist stereotypes. I made it more or less halfway through (I skimmed a lot) before even the skimming was too much. TW for racism and sexism ahead.

The plot set up is that Lady Lucinda Malcolm Pembroke (AKA Sinda, AKA Lucy) is a portrait painter who accidentally paints visions of the future into her paintings. She tries to paint a person purely from imagination, thinking that this way her painting won’t prophesy anything about the subject. Alas, she paints a very lifelike portrait of Sir Trevelyan, a privateer, even though she’s never seen him. Sir Trev is rumored to have killed his cousin, and the portrait places him in the right spot to have done so.

Sir Trevelyan is furious so Lucinda runs away from home and pretends to be Lucy, a humble landscape painter. Because of plot complications that I am frankly too lazy and too confused to explain, Lucy and Trev end up spending quite a bit of time together. Luckily her clever disguise fools Sir Trev, possibly because Lucinda dyes her hair much like Clark Kent puts on glasses. Thinks Sir Trev, when he discovers this: “And now, even her hair was a lie?” This may be my favorite misplaced outrage line in all of literature.

Trev falls in love with Lucinda AKA Lucy but when he discovers that she is not Lucy, the landscape painter with auburn hair, but is actually Lucinda, the portrait painter with blonde hair (you can see how he was confused), he loses his shit and kidnaps her and hauls her off to his boat.

I’d be able to tell you what happens next except that en route they meet a camp of people they describe as “Gypsies.” This term has been increasingly recognized as a derogatory one for the Romani ethnic group since Much Ado was first published. However, the use of the word is less problematic than the complete absence of a single Romani character. Instead of depicting the Romani as people, the book focuses on the perceived exoticism of the clothing and wagon and other generalized stereotypes – sexy blouses, earrings, a convenient wagon, and shady occupations. At this point I gave up on the book and started skimming. Romani people are people, and they deserve to be treated as people, not as decor.

A significant plot point is that Trev is biracial, with a White father and Black mother. Trev’s heritage is seen in exotic terms, with Lucy crediting it for his “bold, passionate” personality. Normally I’d be thrilled as the presence of a biracial hero, but as with the Romani people, his heritage is used only to reinforce stereotypes.

All I need to say about Trev himself is that at one point he asks a friend, “How am I supposed to tell if a woman’s truly missish or just playing coy with me?” So basically, fuck off, Trev. Don’t let the jib hit you on the way out.

I did like Lucinda. Her “I’m in hiding” name is Lucy and her “I’m not in hiding” nickname is Sinda which is at least one too many names in my opinion. However, she’s a great heroine for this kind of semi-old-skool style – an ingénue who is not shy about the topic of sex, a naïve woman who is resourceful (look, man, even her HAIR is a lie!) and intelligent, and an individual with a good sense of humor who refuses to be intimidated. I stuck with the book for as long as I did because I wanted to know how she would end up. I peeked at the back. She’s fine.

I also love this line: “Just as he had a sense of where he was when at sea, he knew when Lucy was about.”

Isn’t that a lovely line? I wish I could say that I found it in a better book. I’m willing to accept the fantastical premise – not just the obvious fantasy element of the magical paintings, but the historically implausible version of England which consists entirely of rose gardens, privateers with excellent teeth, and pubs so very rustic that at any moment I expected the customers to start singing “I’ve Got a Dream.” That’s some good beach read shit there. But the stereotyping and the sexism of the hero were too much for me.

Here, have this instead: