Rant
Genre: Erotica/Erotic Romance, Romance
Why do I do this to myself? Do I need to go seek out a dom to process my clearly masochistic tendencies?
This is the hotly anticipated Fifty Shades from Christian’s Perspective that I’m 100% certain is not EL James Single White Female-ing at Stephenie Meyer, down to the “stolen copy.”
Now, I haven’t made any secret about my disgust for the 50 Shades books and the abusive and stalking behavior of one Christian Grey, nor for my disgust at how these books present a romantic BDSM relationship when in reality it’s dangerous, and the opposite of safe, sane, and consensual. So I knew I’d need some supplies for this.
I got wine (riesling) and beer (Sam Adams Porch Rocker), and planned to just sit out on my porch for the afternoon of the 18th and just power through. That was my plan.
The problem with drunk reading (and stopping to angrily drunk tweet) is that one gets distracted. Also this book is a ridiculous 576 pages long. I only got about 56% of the way through (and the full bottle of wine and two beers) before I had to stop. I finished up by Sunday by soberly skimming. It was legit painful. All of it.
I found this book to be horrifying. The thing that made 50 Shades even plausibly romantic was not being sure if Christian was the psychopath he presented himself as. Since we were never in his head, we couldn’t be sure about his motivations or what he did while Ana (and her inner goddess) weren’t around to let us know.
Now we know. Now we know that from the moment he saw her, he started fantizing about all of the tieing up and whipping and SHOVING OF PEELED GINGER IN HER ASS that he wanted to do to her. Without her consent. Getting her consent wasn’t part of these fantasies. (No, seriously, peeled ginger in her butt.)
So that’s horrifying.
And then he has his private detective with few scruples compile a dossier on her. School, family, employment, RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION, amount of money in her bank account. At one point, he remarks that he’s glad he hasn’t mentioned Ana to Flynn, his therapist, because “I’m now behaving like a stalker.” YES. YOU ARE. BECAUSE YOU’RE A STALKER.
Even after they’re together (to some degree) and she’s living in Seattle, near his apartment, he goes running by her place just because and thinks to himself “It’s between control freak and stalker. I chuckle to myself. I’m just running. It’s a free country.” YUP YOU’RE A STALKER.
Remember in 50 Shades when he grabs her foot to take off her shoe, and she says “no” and he tells her that if she struggles that he’ll tie her feet and gag her? Yeah, he magically knows it’s because she’s embarrassed about how her feet smell. That totally makes it okay! (That’s sarcasm. it does not make it okay. You need to fucking communicate.)
He’s constantly wanting to “discipline” her because she’s made him angry, and she makes him angry by acting like a human person with self-determination and agency and making choices that don’t involve him. Choices like “I’m going to go to Savannah to visit my mom who I haven’t seen in a while.” Or “I am aware that you’ll get all creepy and weird about any job I take, so I’m not gonna tell you where I’m interviewing so you won’t cause any undue influence.”
At one point, during the trip to Savannah (where he follows her because his dick said they were addicted to her freesia smelling blood or something), he takes her to an air field, and she legit panics that he’s taking her back to Seattle without so much as a by-your-leave or chance to say good bye to her mom. The fact that she thinks that, does that give him pause about his behavior and why she thinks that’s a legit possibility? No, he merely chuckles indulgently.
Look, nothing about what’s in his head is okay. And it’s just revolting. He hates that she reads. He thinks he’s competing with Heathcliff and Rochester and he’ll never be able to live up to those perfect paragons of romance. And that Austen and the Brontes are just “hearts-and-flowers” shit. Asswipe. (But then, he tends to refer to his relationship with Ana as a “deal” that he needs to “close” because this is a transaction, not a relationship.)
And, every time she doesn’t want to tell him where she is? He points out that he can track her phone. And her credit cards. And everything. So she has to tell him.
I saw someone, somewhere, say “Oh, it ends on a much more hopeful note than 50 Shades.” 50 Shades ends with her going, “You know what I can’t do this, what you want is to actually injure me and I’m not here for that. Take back your mink and take back your pearls your MacBook and your Audi and give me the money you got from stealing my car and selling it. STEELE OUT”
Grey ends with him deciding to win her back . He’s driven past her house and imagined her hooking up with her friend Jose (or a rando) and being stupid and dangerous (by which he means being a 22 year old woman) and he’s going on a charm offensive and he’ll get her back.
The writing is not improved from the original trilogy. The editing is even less evident (FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SIX PAGES YOU GUYS). I was deeply disappointed by Christian’s lack of Inner Goddess, but he did speak to his dick a lot. (He also listens to the Foo Fighters and Kings of Leon, neither of whom did a thing to deserve that.) The sex is boring and repetitious and dull and deja vu-like.
As I said to Sarah, the only thing to do at that point with that kind of obsessive stalker? With that much money and that many connections? You gotta kill him. You just gotta kill him. It’s the only way.
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I read a few excepts. The guy seems like the most toxic, loathesome douchebro character ever put down into print. I would, however, like to see a fandom remix of GREY with something like RESIDENT EVIL, where Ana takes on the Alice role, and Grey becomes the the megalomaniac CEO of Umbrella Corporation, whose genetic experimentation has unleashed a zombie apocalypse upon the word–and Ana/Alice must DESTROY HIM. I think that would be a much more satisfying story.
You know, this book really sounds like one of those things written to educate people about the behavior of abusive stalkers, so it’s amazing to me that it was written with a total lack of irony. I feel like in a normal possibly romantic suspense book, this would be the POV of the ex boyfriend who is trying to kill the heroine and drop her body in a river.
I’m sorry, he wants to shove WHAT up her arse??
I’m not reading this. I’m pregnant so can’t drink and I’m not doing that to myself. I would, however, pay good money to hear Dave Grohl read excerpts from it.
I’m totally not going to acknowledge the ‘book’ you read.
However, I did have a question. From the looks of it, you’re reading from an Ipad. I’ve tried that once before (with an Asus Transformer) but I found it really hard to read from a tablet. I’ve since moved on to a Kobo, but sometimes I can’t take both with me and I need my tablet for schoolwork. Any suggestions/tips?
x
@Kim: LED screens can be tough on the eyes. I sometimes read on my iPad, but rarely in a dimly lit room. However, I find that matte screen protectors can help with the glare and eye strain.
“The thing that made 50 Shades even plausibly romantic was not being sure if Christian was the psychopath he presented himself as. Since we were never in his head, we couldn’t be sure about his motivations or what he did while Ana (and her inner goddess) weren’t around to let us know. Now we know.”
This excerpt from your review sums up exactly what I was feeling from the excerpts/blurbs I started to see online from the book. Seeing in his head there’s absolutely no way to romanticize him now, b/c he’s totally toxic and horrifying. Thanks for taking the hit for us!
PS-BTW love how you slipped in that Guys & Dolls reference there. Suddenly I heard Vivian Blaine reading your review as Miss Adelaide at that point LOL.
I just have never understood the hype. Aside from being horribly edited, you’re right. It’s full on stalker material. It’s like everyone got a lobotomy and thought, “This is all terribly romantic.”
@Eliza:
Me, too!
He bought me the buttplug five winters ago
and the ballgag the following fall
then the shackles,
the gloves,
the cuffs, and the hat…
that was late last week, I recall….
I read it, and I enjoyed it much more than FSoG. I thought Christian Grey was a jerk, and GREY confirms it. I am not one of those who swoons over Christian Grey. I totally agree with your perception of Christian Grey, the way you feel towards him; I feel the same way. But as I said, GREY shows what a nutcase Christian Grey is, and that’s why I had fewer problems with it. I can’t wait to read the 3rd instalment from CG’s POV, because did I ever have problems with book 3!!!!!!
Kim: I don’t know if it’s possible with iPad, but I change the settings to white letters on black background. Or maybe dim the brightness… But I guess you tried those already.
@SB Sarah *spits out tea laughing* OMG That’s perfect. LMAO
@Kim: I don’t, really? I just do it? I had a Kindle, and I liked my Kindle a lot, but my iPad has everything on it, and I gave my kindle to m dad who needed something he could read large print on.
I mean, yeah, there are limitations- bright sun light, etc, but that’s why I always have one or two paper books in my bag. That’s not really helpful, I know.
You deserve an award. Possibly more wine. Definitely more wine. Grey is precisely 575 pages too long.
One page:
“I am an asshole and please don’t consider anything I did in the first three books as ok or romantic.”
–The End–
Thanks for venturing where I feared to tread.
And award for nearly-spewing-coffee-across-the-keyboard goes to this line: “He also listens to the Foo Fighters and Kings of Leon, neither of whom did a thing to deserve that.”
“You gotta kill him. You just gotta kill him. It’s the only way.”
I laughed so loud that I startled the baby.
“You gotta kill him.” I’ll spring for a shovel and a large roll of black plastic…
What are our chances of EL James wising up and NOT subjecting the world to 2 more books full of this psycho? Or should we just sit back, watch the circus, and see if by the end the proof of his nastiness is so grossly evident that even the most diehard Jame fan is forced to concede that he is NOT hero material?
Bwahahhahahahahhahahhaha, and Ewwwwwww, I just made fresh ginger tea and thinking about that nubby arm I slice into it. (Setting the tea aside) I am addicted to the reviews on this series and yours tops my list for this book. No I have not read any of them, so I can’t comment of the books.I am so happy to be a Grey virgin, and will keep it that way.
Thanks for the hilarious honest review
Dear Redheadedgirl – I, at least, do know why you read these things, and I am grateful for your sacrifice. This also means I know to steer away from certain books or authors.
Besides, I love it when you get all steamed up and produce one of your wonderful rants!
Now, have another double whiskey on me.
I’ve heard of that ginger thing before. It’s called figging, I think.
Scared that I remember that, actually.
I have always felt that rather than a love for writing, EL James does things for the love of money. That’s the only reason I can think of for why she/he (as I refuse to even Google this “author”, I don’t even know the author’s gender) insists on foisting these atrocities on unsuspecting readers. Thank you for reading them for us so that we wouldn’t have to subject ourselves to the torture. Though, to be honest I’ve never even read so much as the cover blurb on any of the Grey books. I just hate it based on the people I see who actually like it. Basically, I just hate it on principle and I am truly sorry the it is taking up shelf space and publishing resources from other possibly more deserving books/authors.
So, not that I want to provide distraction, but the hash tag #AskELJames is currently trending on Twitter, and its all we could hope for.
I wish this whole series would just up and die, and yet it goes on and on, with no signs of stopped because the fan base just keeps asking for more. This worries me on an education-level-in-this-country kind of way.
*stopping
Wow, this is such a better review than mine. Thank you. I got into BIG TROUBLE defending 50S the original trilogy because of my conviction that it was a story about redemption, rather than a story about an abuser. Which he so most certainly is in this volume.
One of my FB friends just sent me this link. All I can say is that James got what she deserved. Enjoy!! http://www.refinery29.com/2015/06/89935/ask-eljames-twitter-50-shades-of-grey-hate?utm_campaign=naytev&utm_content=55918bede4b02a8cb53662d5
Wow. I can’t imagine writing a book that explains to my fans why my haters were right.
There are probably not enough bottles of rum or Mojitos in the world to get me to read Grey.
Thanks, once again, Redheadedgirl, for taking one for the team.
I have to share this pair of vids. Both are hilarious and the cult one is very well argued.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VVyh_IM3Ik
@SB Sarah — if her next venture is FSOG: The Musical, I am totally holding you responsible!
Why did “Now we know” make me laugh so hard? Thanks, RHG, for your service. I read the first few pages of our office copy and I’m glad I didn’t need to go any further.
From the twitter fest:
Everyone is focused on the abusive aspect of your books, but have you ever considered that you are just a god-awful writer?
10:11 AM – 29 Jun 2015
Via: Whiskey Eyes @CanineBRATS
Best. Question. Ever!
I can’t read this, didn’t read the original series (trigger beware) but I commend you for ‘taking one for the team.’
Best review ever, thank you! I laughed in multiple places reading this and I too thank you for taking the hit and oroving that my instincts have been spot on with my refusal to read anything by this woman (I will not honor her with the title of author). I volunteer to kill him for free and do the time willingly! I also volunteer to KO all people who respond with “you mean like FSoG?” when you tell them you read romance because from what I’ve gleaned it’s lame erotica at best.
WAIT!WHAT? GINGER…I..I mean…I can’t get past that..and this sells? Are they or we taking crazy pills? What is wrong with this world? Is this supposed to be hot? or sexy?
I must agree, I would go all Jennifer Lopez on his ass..lure him into my house and killing him as an intruder. Bam. No mercy, no begging… you are gooone dude. Gone.
It’s all about the money. The publisher knows there’s no such thing as a bad review when there’s this much money involved. They invested heavily in James and even the negative reviews will sell books for them all.
What makes ME hurl is they’ve tapped her to write a book about writing. Unless it’s got just one line in it — “Don’t write like me, I stink and steal from other writers” — then let us weep, weep white hot tears for the dead trees and the cynicism of greed.
Never underestimate a publisher’s willingness to milk a cash cow.
And, sadly, there are authors all too eager to milk that same cow too.
Trees died for this book.
Also, a hilarious article with more excerpts:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/scottybryan/i-read-the-new-50-shades-book-and-it-is-absolutely-batshit#.rrWxXMVmZ
@janeyD – back up a little bit… this mercenary peddler of inkstains is actually going to write about writing? Good God in heaven… I think I’ll just curl up in a ball in the dark, in my room, while involuntary shudders of dread and horror wrack my entire body until someone puts a stop to this shameless greed train.
You know, whenever I heard about this book, it is always from people who are hate reading it. Some people must genuinely like FSoG, and Grey has a 3.98 rating on Goodreads. But in the corners of the internet that I inhabit, I don’t hear from these people…
I’m posting so that Monique D has some company here!
Now, far be it from me to criticize someone’s point of view just because I don’t share it. After all, I hated Gone Girl, but many folks thought it was the best book ever, so there you go. We all have books that, whatever their apparent strengths and weaknesses, float our boats or fill us with loathing. The FSoG books clearly fall into this category.
I did not know Grey was even coming out, but when it suddenly popped up at my library, I was curious about it, since I very much enjoyed FSoG books 1 and 2 (book 3, not so much).
I liked this book much better than FSoG because yes, we DO see what a creep–a pr*ck–Christian Grey really is. It’s fascinating to me, watching him being so self-centered and then slowly becoming bewildered and distressed at the knowledge that he’s actually thinking about someone else’s feelings…. Maybe it’s because I know that in book 2 of FS they work things out, but I was not as upset by Grey’s behavior in this book as I was fascinated. I loved that EL James went there–she did not sugarcoat Grey by any means. The only “redemptive” thing in this book is that we see bits of Grey’s horrific childhood, which I suppose are intended to help us “understand” why he’s so damaged. (IRL, of course, the fact that someone had a horrific childhood would not engender much sympathy from us when that person does bad things, but in a romance novel like FSoG, I see it as just part of the whole “damaged man made whole by the love of the right woman” trope.)
Anyway, Monique D, you are not alone in enjoying this book. Hey, back in the ’80s, I enjoyed those bodice-ripper type Romance novels where the Viking as good as forces the captured maiden into his bed, and she still falls in love with him by the end…
I hardly made it past 20 pages before getting rid of this book. I guess E. L.james is gonna continue milking off of this book and no one’d going to stop her.