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Title: Don’t Hassel the Hoff
Author: David Hasselhoff
Publication Info: St. Martin’s Press May 2007
ISBN: 0312371292
Genre: Science Fiction/Fantasy
If I were asked to sum up my impressions of this book in eight words, it would go like this: “This book was terrible. I enjoyed it immensely.â€
Aside: This is something you bitches (who have, by the way, gone too far) should know about me. For me, the answers to the questions, “Was the [movie][show][book] any good?†and “Did you enjoy the [movie][show][book]?†are quite often different. I lurrrrrve bad entertainment. Now, there are differences between bad/enjoyable entertainment and bad/unenjoyable entertainment. For example, one night, before we were married, Sarah and I rented two movies: City of Angels
In case you don’t know, this book tells the story of one David Hasselhoff, from the (not really) mean streets of Baltimore to Knight Rider to Baywatch to the Berlin wall to Broadway. The story itself is not very interesting. What is interesting, and what makes this book so horrendously fun, is that The Hoff™ fancies himself to be some kind of godlike figure. He would like to have you believe that his life has been devoted, not to making scads of money producing popular but insipid entertainment, but to healing the children of the world. In the prologue, he tells us:
“In my travels I visited the children’s wards of hospitals in forty countries: I rarely left a country without visiting sick children. It became a mission. The children had absolute faith in the Knight Rider.â€
He then tells the following story: “The child was in a coma, oblivious to his surroundings….[The parents] said: ‘Maybe you could hold his hand and the darkness won’t seem so dark.’ After being with the boy for a half hour, I turned to the parents and said: ‘Can I ask you a question? How do you retain your faith in God when something like this happens to your son?†They said: “David, we know there is no hope for our child but we prayed that his hero would come and, David, you came.’â€
No, wait, it gets better. Later on in the book, his Hoffiness tells us the following:
“In the hotel elevator, I spoke to a mother and her teenaged daughter. ‘Nice to see you guys.’ The daughter started freaking out. ‘You’re her favorite star,’ the mother said. ‘Why thank you. I’ve got to go to work right now, but if you write down your name and address I’ll leave you an autographed picture.’ When I got back to Los Angeles, there was a letter from the mother saying:
‘Thank you very much for the photographs. My daughter had attempted suicide that morning. She said she had nothing to live for. The only person in the world she believed in was you, David, and because you happened to be in that elevator and because you took a moment to say hello, you restored her self-esteem. She said, ‘I will never kill myself again because I believe that he was sent for a reason.’’
God does send angels and sometimes we are his angels.â€
Sorry, excuse my earlier statement that El Hoff believes himself to be a God. He merely believes himself to be an angel. I stand corrected.
In addition to healing the children of the world, Sir Hoffsalot also describes to us how he was responsible for tearing down the Berlin Wall. There’s not really any interesting writing here, so I won’t quote it, but suffice it to say that one reason you may want to avoid hasseling the Hoff is that he might single-handedly destroy your entire political system with his singing.
The Hoffmeister spends the rest of the book taking us through the various trials and tribulations of his life. Highlights include his early years in Hollywood, where he lived in some kind of hippie communal house (actually several), but of course didn’t approve of all the drugs; his days a soap star; the creative struggles he had with others on the Knight Rider set (really, I’m not kidding); the rise, fall, and ridiculous resurrection in syndication of Baywatch; and his failed marriages, one of which is the subject of my favorite passage in the book:
“All through the New Year of 1986 I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and looking out of my window at my avocado tree. Suddenly, I decided to go to a pet store and buy a wiener dog – I’d always wanted a wiener and I bought one. I brought him home and said, ‘Well, Wiener, it’s you and me against the world.’†(Note that it is not clear whether he actually named the dog Wiener, or he just hadn’t named it yet at that point, but I hope it’s the former.)
Yup, I think that sums up this book pretty well. “Well, Wiener, it’s you and me against the world.â€
The last thing I want to add, which Sarah may or may not edit out, is that I found it highly interesting that one of the main investors in the syndication of Baywatch was Chris Craft, the boat company. This is only interesting because the summer camp at which Sarah and I used to work had a Chris Craft boat for many years, and, um, one summer, Sarah and I engaged in (ahem) certain romantic activities thereon. So, you know, one thing the Hoff and I have in common is that Chris Craft was a big part of our lives.
So yeah, that’s the Hoff. Highly terrible, but also highly amusing. With Wiener.
It was good for me.
Thank you Sarah’s Hubby. The Hoff’s position in the Heavenly pantheon had been a cause of concern, but no more! He’s an angel. Gotcha.
Wow.
I was thrilled just to see a post from Sarah’s hubby, and then to find it so delicious!?
I mean, my God. “The children had absolute faith in Knight Rider”? And that’s just the beginning of the fun.
Brava—I mean… Bravo, good sir. Bravo.
(p.s. Thanks for sharing with us, Sarah!)
Thank you, Mr. Sarah! You took one for the team. The “You and your wiener against the world” comment alone shows you’re willing to go to any
lengths to save us from having to have our brains scrubbed from reading the Hoff’s bio. Even if, after reading that, we were scrubbing the spewed coffee off of our monitors.
You definitely have what it takes to be a major bitch around here.
I am sure there have been many mothers and daughters touched by that angel.
Poor dog.
She said, ‘I will never kill myself again (???) because I believe that he was sent for a reason.’
Hoff didn’t just save her life, he resurrected her. And dammitjim, she won’t waste that second chance.
Thx Mr. Sarah for the your contributions to Hoffeducation.
Labor, reading Hasselhoff, labor, reading Hasselhoff…
Sarah, it looks like you might’ve gotten the better deal, at least you got something to show for your efforts. 🙂
Sarah’s Hubby, dude I love your writing voice……why are you hiding yourself? I like your POV. Sarah is very busy now and I think it would only be right for you to step in a little more frequently to give her a break. Not that you probably already have a job “outside the home” as they say, but let her take a nap while you post for her. Nuff said.
Mr. Sarah: Thanks for the review! I starting reading it and and saw the Genre description, and I thought WTF? However, after reading the review,I see why you called it Science Fiction/Fantasy. Apparently Mr. H. has no problems with his self esteem, to put it mildly.
I must say, the concept of “creative struggles” on the Baywatch set is…well, interesting. Perhaps a fan of the show could explain.
And I can relate to the concept of enjoying bad entertainment. I like to watch the Sci Fi Channel “Original” (my quotes) movies and assign my own rating. Sometimes they’re truly awful (F-), but I enjoy them anyway.
closetcrafter~I totally agree, I love Sarah’s hubby’s writing voice. I kept finding myself laughing out loud.
This is my favorite quote from the book “I’d always wanted a wiener and I bought one.” bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahah What can you say to that??
the Hoff … might single-handedly destroy your entire political system with his singing.
Oh, I needed that Mr. Sarah. Thanks!
Thanks for the review! Maybe next time I visit I will steal your copy, that way I don’t have to spend any actual money on the book.
dear mr. sb sarah: please, please can I quote your 8 word review in the ‘notable quote’ section of my blog? did i mention please? it’s exactly how my husband feels about ‘rat race’ and how i sort of feel about the ‘ace ventura’ movies.
dear sb sarah: no one will ever be able to question your commitment to free speech or putting the interests of your art form ahead of your own after the boat paragraph was allowed to live.
dear sb sons: can’t wait to read your reviews.
You know, when I wrote this, I had originally designated the genre as “Hofftastitude” or some such thing. Sarah changed it to SF/Fantasy, which also works.
And thank you all for your kind words.
Oh, and Maya, it is totally fine if you (or anyone else) want to quote me.
That was frickin funny! I love those quotes. He must have written this book to record his miracles performed for after his death. St Hoff, patron saint of Plastic Surgeons.
Thanks SB Hubby!
Mr. Sarah – you and my hubby have the same view of bad/enjoyable entertainment. But somehow I doubt I could convince him to read this book!!!
Hoff’s an Angel and he bought his weiner. Got it.
Sir Hoffsalot!
Hahahahahahaha!
What a hilarious review! Thank you for sacrificing yourself, although at least it was as amusing as it was terrible.
Oh cripes, I thought my husband was the only one who watches z movies and is mesmerized….and reads god-awful junk and trys to tell others to how enteraining it is.
Now I’ll have to get him the stupid book for the Holidays.
Thank you. Sort of.
I’m still trying to get the correlation between the avocado tree and then buying the weiner, but that’s for another day and another session on the couch (ahem). I’m just feeling sorry for Weiner, if that’s his real name….
” She said, ‘I will never kill myself again because I believe that he was sent for a reason.’’
Erm… if she’d killed herself then… but… but…
Oh, never mind. It’s making my brain hurt. A lot.
I suspect the Hoffmeister has that effect on people.
Nice post Sarah’s hub.
Dear Mr. Sarah – Awesome review. You’re totally bitchy enough to hang.
Now, if we can just arrange for to meet The Hoff…
I still like Kit better. Kit was the show.
Oh, Mr. Sarah, you legend. Loved the review (possibly because a lot of my favourite movies fall into that ‘so bad, it’s good’ category), although the bit that made me giggle the most was …something you bitches (who have, by the way, gone too far)…. Hee.
your right Teddy
maybe his “creative struggles he had with others on the Knight Rider set” was with Kit.
Thanks Mr. Sarah
Maggie: “maybe his “creative struggles he had with others on the Knight Rider set†was with Kit.”
Bwahaha!
Thanks Mr SB Sarah, that was a fabulous review. I particularly liked the Berlin Wall story. To think The Hoff has never won the Nobel Peace Prize… *shakes head in wonder*
I also really liked BASEketball.
I must have this book. Thanks for the bang up snark of it!
This is why I love the Internet. Oh so many years ago, how would we ever have heard the delicious details of a book like this? Without forking over cash for it, I mean.
Bravo, Mr. SB Sarah. and count me as another who would welcome a guest review or post from you if SBs Sarah and Candy are busy.
Oh, man. Now I’m gonna have to read that copy I won for the LOLHoff. Something this fantastically horrible definitely deserves my attention.
My new sigline on my favorite message forum? “Well, Wiener, it’s you and me against the world.” ~ The Hoff
Don’t feel too badly, Mr. Sarah- my hubby owns a copy of BASEketball, and has willingly read Dog the Bounty Hunter’s book.
A friend recently showed me the original German film that “City of Angels” (gag) was ripped off from. It is much, much better, lovely and moving and well-shot. With acting in it, even! Watch it instead and forget about the remake.
Hello, Mr. Sarah! Very interesting review of “Don’t Hassel the Hoff.” I also enjoyed the book immensely and made my mom read the entire book too (she was smiling afterwards). This encouragement should come as no surprise: my letter to Mr. Hasselhoff is published in Appendix I (pp. 273-278 of the U.S. version). I hope that you enjoyed reading my letter as much as I did writing it. I continue to host these assemblies at many schools and find myself using the book “experience” as an example to motivate our students to do what they can to bring the Knight Rider slogan (“One man can make a difference.”) to life. We are always heroes to someone else.
I hope that perhaps one day your new child will be in my audience when I present this assembly! My congratulations to you and your wife.
Warm regards,
Dr. Paul Stuart Wichansky