A quiz! Sarah concocts a really awful, mean quiz on Harlequin series names and on topics tangentially related to romance, and makes RedHeadedGirl, Elyse, Carrie and Amanda take it. There’s a trick question that costs Sarah all credibility. It’s very sad.
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We also mentioned:
- FakeTitles.com
- EliteTitles.co.uk
- @Pungentlove on Twitter
- The SBTB Decadent review
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This Episode's Music
The music you’re listening to was provided by Sassy Outwater, and you can find her on Twitter @Sassyoutwater. This is a band called Sketch, and this is “Out of My Cage“ from their album “Shed,” which I’m still enjoying.
You can find it on Amazon, iTunes, or wherever you buy your most excellent music.
Podcast Sponsor
The podcast is sponsored by Jessica Khoury, author of The Forbidden Wish, published by Penguin Young Readers and available in print and e-book. She is the most powerful Jinni of all. He is a boy from the streets. Their love will shake the world in this dazzling retelling of Aladdin like you’ve never imagined.
When Aladdin discovers Zahra’s jinni lamp, Zahra is thrust back into a world she hasn’t seen in hundreds of years — a world where magic is forbidden and Zahra’s very existence is illegal. She must disguise herself to stay alive, using ancient shape-shifting magic, until her new master has selected his three wishes.
But when the King of the Jinn offers Zahra a chance to be free of her lamp forever, she seizes the opportunity—only to discover she is falling in love with Aladdin. When saving herself means betraying him, Zahra must decide once and for all: is winning her freedom worth losing her heart?
As time unravels and her enemies close in, Zahra finds herself suspended between danger and desire in this dazzling retelling of Aladdin from acclaimed author Jessica Khoury.
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Transcript
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[music]
Sarah Wendell: Hello, and welcome to episode number 184 of the DBSA podcast. I’m Sarah Wendell from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, and with me today are all of the Bitches. I am going to give them a quiz because I am evil. RedHeadedGirl, Amanda, Carrie, and Elyse are subjected to a horrible quiz with a trick question and complete loss of my credibility, plus we discuss a lot of other things, ‘cause that’s usually what happens when we talk to each other. We hope you enjoy this quiz, and please let us know how you do if you are following along at home.
This podcast is sponsored by Jessica Khoury, author of The Forbidden Wish, published by Penguin Young Readers and available in print and eBook. When love is the only forbidden wish, why wish at all? Aladdin is still a boy from the streets, but Zahra is the Jinni, and their love could cost her everything, including her freedom. A romantic retelling of the story you thought you knew, available now.
The music you’re listening to was provided by Sassy Outwater, and I will have information at the end of the podcast as to who this is, but I am really enjoying this new album she sent, and if you haven’t picked it up, I bet you will too.
And now, without any further delay, on with the podcast!
[music]
Elyse: You have a quiz.
Sarah: I, I do have a quiz.
Elyse: Oh, God.
RedHeadedGirl: Oh, shit. I didn’t study though!
Sarah: Okay, good, ‘cause that makes it better.
Carrie: I didn’t study.
Sarah: Hang on, let me turn on my –
RHG: Oh, look, it’s Sarah’s boobs.
Elyse: Yes, she keeps showing us her boobs.
Sarah: What shirt am I wearing? Oh, I’m, I’m not even wearing a good shirt. I’m wearing my, my Roots shirt that was six dollars at the Vancouver airport, and it’s not even a good one. I have a new Toothless shirt, and the kids all got the same one, so we all wear matching shirts, and everyone at school when I went to pick ‘em up was like, what’s wrong with you people? Wearing the same shirt?
Somebody: Aw!
Sarah: But it’s a teal blue shirt and has a little pocket and little baby Toothless is, like, in the pocket?
Carrie: Oh, I love that one!
Sarah: It’s so cute! So, yeah. I’m not even wearing a good one, sorry. Oh, well. Okay, so I have a quiz. So here’s how this works: Amanda, can I ask you a favor?
Amanda: Yes?
Sarah: Can you keep score?
Amanda: Okay. [Laughs] I was very worried about what this favor would be.
[Laughter]
Sarah: I need you to do some advanced calculus.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Sarah: I would never ask that of anyone.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: Okay, so I have questions.
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: These questions revolve around various things tangential to romance.
RHG: Okay.
Sarah: You will each get a question. Whether or not you get it right or wrong is worth one point. Hopefully we don’t have a tie or I’ll have to Google really fuckin’ quickly. Okay?
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: So, the first thing we’re going to talk about is titles, ‘cause we used to give them out, and now you can buy one if you want to be swindled. RedHeadedGirl!
RHG: Yes.
Sarah: How much is it in U.S. dollars to purchase a title from Elite Titles? It is 995 pounds sterling. Is that $1,422.57; $1,244.69; $877.69; or $2,299.45?
RHG: I’m sorry, how much was it in pounds sterling again?
Sarah: Are you Googling?
RHG: No!
Sarah: Oh, of course not!
Amanda: She’s writing something.
Sarah: 995.
Elyse: She’s doing math.
Sarah: 995 pounds sterling to purchase a title from Elite Titles.
RHG: That’s it?!
Sarah: 99-, 995 pounds sterling, yes. [thinking music]
RHG: Whichever one is closest to $1,500.00.
Sarah: Four-, $1,422.57?
RHG: Yes.
Sarah: That is correct. Well played!
RHG: Boom!
Somebody: Brava!
Sarah: Now they have been selling titles online since 1998, and if you enter coupon code SAVE10 you get 10% off!
[Laughter]
RHG: Okay. See, and people think it’s funny that I keep the occasional exchange rate in my head.
Sarah: No, it’s not funny at all. It’s totally normal. [Laughs]
RHG: No, I do. I, I also know that the Swedish kroner is eight kroner to the dollar-ish or so right now.
Sarah: That’s not bad.
RHG: No, it’s, that’s really good, actually.
Sarah: When I was in Spain the first time and I was fifteen? It was 100 pesetas to the dollar. It was, like, the greatest money conversion factor for someone who’s bad at math ever. It was great! It was like, oh! –
RHG: Yeah.
Sarah: – a peseta is a penny. I love it! This is so awesome! Okay, Carrie.
Carrie: Yes.
Sarah: True or false: On the Elite Titles website, the following sentence appears: We’ve been suspiciously thorough about manorial titles so you can confidently purchase.
Carrie: Wait, I’m sorry, that’s true or false?
Sarah: True or false: does that sentence appear?
Carrie: True.
Sarah: Yes. Yes, it does! They’ve been suspicious-, suspiciously thorough. I don’t know what that means, but I really like that sentence.
Elyse: I suspect they don’t know what that really means either.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Carrie: If, if they’re trying to sell titles for, for $1,400.00, they fucking well better be suspiciously thorough.
RHG: [Laughs]
Sarah: Okay. So, Amanda.
Amanda: Yes.
Sarah: Can you purchase a genuine British title? Yes or no.
Amanda: Can I take the physical challenge –
[Laughter]
Amanda: – and not answer this question?
Sarah: Sorry, nope.
Amanda: [Laughs] Did you say, like, authentic, like genuine?
Sarah: Can you purchase a genuine British title?
Amanda: Oh, I don’t know! Uh –
Sarah: There are two options.
[Laughter]
Amanda: I want to say yes, but that seems pretty fucked up that you can do this?
Sarah: I mean, it is $900+ pounds, and they are, you know –
Amanda and Sarah: – suspiciously thorough.
Amanda: I’m going to say yes.
Sarah: I’m sorry, no, you cannot.
Amanda: Fuck!
Sarah: The only exceptions are feudal titles in, of Scottish baronies, but the last legitimate one that went on sale was well over a million pounds.
Amanda: Oh, God.
Sarah: Sorry. Okay!
Amanda: Fine.
Sarah: Elyse. Who is the owner of the whistle-blowing website FakeTitles.com? Is it –
Elyse: But –
Sarah: – Porter Edmund, 4th Baron Fredstone; Richard Bridgeman, 7th Earl of Bradford; Steven Orlando, 9th Duke of Stratford; or Robert John Smith, Peer of Not-Anything-Anywhere?
Elyse: I’m going to go with Porter ‘cause he sounds like the biggest douchebag out of the four of ‘em?
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: Yeah.
Elyse: [Laughs]
Sarah: I’m sorry.
Elyse: If you’re a peer and your name is Porter, you’re going to be pissed off that other people are buying titles. That’s –
Sarah: You know, you have a very good argument –
Elyse: – that’s my logic.
Sarah: – but I’m sorry –
Elyse: But I’m wrong.
Sarah: – that’s not right. [Laughs] Yeah. The owner of FakeTitles.com is Richard Bridgeman, 7th Earl of Bradford, and the reason he set up this whole fake titles site was he got pissed off that there are these four, four or five dudes who make a killing selling fake titles, but what really twisted his knickers was that one of titles that they were selling belongs to his son –
Amanda: Oh, my God. [Laughs]
Sarah: – and he got really mad. He was like, all right, that’s it.
Elyse: Yeah, that sounds like a dude who’d have his ass chapped over –
Sarah: So he was –
Elyse: – something that’s irrelevant.
Somebody: Yeah.
Sarah: And yet, his website is surprisingly cordial and very fun, and he likes to poke at them. It’s like –
Amanda: Is it a poorly constructed website, or is it pretty snazzy?
Sarah: It’s not a very good-looking one, unfortunately. It’s, it’s kind of, sort of post GeoCities Yahoo era. Like, there’s a menu, and it’s text with a little icon, and then a black band –
Amanda: Like Angelfire or whatever.
Sarah: Yeah, it’s a little Angelfire-y, but he’s really good at trolling these fake-title-selling people, so that was –
Carrie: [Laughs]
Sarah: – good job, Earl of Bradford!
Amanda: Does he have a blinking cursor? That was what I was –
Sarah: No, and nothing follows you –
RHG: Hmm.
Sarah: – as you – there’s no AutoPlay music either.
RHG: Ah, no midi music? That’s too bad.
Sarah: No!
Carrie: No.
Sarah: Can you imagine? Like, I, pfft – [laughs] – I think the worst thing I ever did on April 1st was when I did the fake site redesign, and I had –
Carrie: Oh, my God, it was awful!
Sarah: – nine AutoPlay images of Fabio, so they would load in sequential order, and you would hear, hi, I’m Fabio. Hi, I’m Fabio! Hi! I’m Fabio! [Laughs] It was like, like, I was deliberately evil. It was very fun.
Elyse: I need to interrupt this quiz to show you kitten adorableness. Where is he?
Sarah: Oh, hey, Dewey!
RHG: Hey, Dewey!
Elyse: See him sleeping in his little bed –
Sarah: Aw.
Elyse: – being cute. Okay.
Sarah: I don’t know if my kids are more excited that we’re going on vacation to Vermont or that when we’re back from Vermont we’re going to adopt some cats. Like, seriously, they are just –
Somebody: Kitty!
Sarah: – they are just equally joyous. Like, oh, my God! Cats! I, I understand you guys have placed bets. I’m really going to try hard to stay at two. Two cats. Not four. I’ve done four. It’s a lot of litter boxes.
RHG: My –
Carrie: You, but you could –
RHG: My roommate showed me a picture of a kitten wrapped in a little towel. It was a little burrito kitten, to which I said, we need to bring this kitten home. Obviously, his name is Guacamole.
Sarah: Well, duh!
Amanda: Oh, Guacamole! I love it!
RHG: Right. And they said no. Both of them said no. We have two cats already.
Amanda: Aw.
Sarah: How many cats do you have?
RHG: Two.
Sarah: I think you can have more.
RHG: I think we can have more too, but it is not very, a very large apartment, and Dottie is already so BAAAH! about everything that –
Sarah: [Laughs] Yeah. Well, the nice thing about Buzz is, as anxious as he is, he gives no shits about cats. He’s just sort of like, yeah, whatever, it’s fine. You’re there. Just poop something delicious and we’re, we’re good.
Somebody: [Sort of laughs]
Sarah: Yeah, that, the, actually, though, if you do get more than two cats, what you should do is also get a dog, because then you don’t have to clean the litter box so often. The dog is totally on that for you.
Carrie: Yes.
RHG: Ew!
Sarah: It’s –
Carrie: Except our dog sort of drags it around the house.
Sarah: [Laughs] Oh, God, that’s terrible!
Elyse: Oh –
Carrie: It’s like it’s, you’re not supposed to play with it. Like, if you’re going to be a disgusting dog, eat it, for the love of criminy. Just don’t –
Sarah: Kitty – [laughs]
Carrie: – drag it around the carpet, for – ahhh!
Sarah: Kitty box crunchies are a rare and, and desired delicacy, to be honest with you.
Elyse: I, I just got a text message update that my sister’s dog, they had to muzzle and sedate her for x-rays, but she sprained her elbow, and she’ll be okay.
Everybody: Ohhh!
Sarah: Oh, poor baby!
Elyse: So, and now we’re fighting ‘cause I want to pay the vet bill, and my sister’s like, don’t pay the vet bill! I’m like, I broke your dog!
Carrie: You didn’t break the dog.
Elyse: I feel really bad!
RHG: You did not break the dog.
Sarah: If she won’t let you pay, though, and you’re really determined, just contact the veterinary hospital and ask to make a donation into their fund to cover people who can’t pay their vet bills.
Amanda: Oh, yeah.
Elyse: They usually have, yeah, one of those funds, but, yeah, so I feel bad ‘cause I was the one getting her, I was, like, the bad aunt. Like, let’s get really excited –
Carrie: [Laughs]
Elyse: – and rambunctious so that I can go home and leave you with your mom like this, and then that’s, yeah.
Sarah: You’re the one who gives sugars to kids before you leave.
Elyse: Ah, I got a phone call, like, at two in the morning from my friend that I was babysitting her children the day before, and she said, why the fuck did you give my eight-year-old Starbucks? And I’m like, well, it didn’t have any caffeine in it, and she’s like, but now he wants Starbucks, and I’m like, so?
Sarah: [Laughs]
Carrie: It’s, you know what, it is true. Once you open that door?
Sarah: It’s like putting your kids in business class.
Carrie: There’s no closing it again.
RHG: Hmm.
Carrie: Now Starbucks is a permanent, expensive part of your life, and actually, we had, like, a really good time having our mother-daughter time in Starbucks. It’s all really happy.
Sarah: Okay. RedHeadedGirl. Are you ready?
RHG: Oh, are we back to me?
Sarah: We’re back to you.
RHG: Okay.
Sarah: I think so. Is that the right order? Amanda, am I wrong?
Amanda: Yes. Yes.
Sarah: Okay, thank you. Okay. Now we switch to books, and books and types, and things about books. These are romances, obviously.
RHG: Okay.
Sarah: Which of the following is not a real book? Rescued by the Billionaire, an alpha male, BDSM, male dominant female submissive romance. (b) The Billionaire’s Werewolf Secret, a big beautiful woman paranormal erotic romance-alpha male.
RHG: That one’s real.
Sarah: (c) The Billionaire’s Freak Fortress, a sexy, black woman white male, alpha male, interracial, billionaire, sugar daddy, erotic romance.
Amanda: What’s the address of that fortress?
RHG: Are these all available on Kindle Unlimited?
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: Wait, one of you has to go first.
[Laughter]
Amanda: I said, what’s the address of that fortress?
[Laughter]
Amanda: Is there a mailing address? Or a P.O. Box?
Sarah: It’s definitely a box of some sort. And (d) Hiding in the Billionaire’s Closet, hot BDSM/alpha male bondage/male-male erotic romance. So which of the following is real? Rescued by the Billionaire, The Billionaire’s Werewolf Secret, The Billionaire’s Freak Fortress –
RHG: Wait, only one is real?
Sarah: Only – I beg your pardon; one of them is not real. Beg your pardon.
RHG: One of them is not real.
Sarah: One of them is –
RHG: I think the first one is not real.
Sarah: Rescued by the Billionaire?
RHG: Yeah.
Sarah: No, that’s real. Rescued by the Billionaire, an alpha male, BDSM, male dominant female submissive romance is by Alex Anders. The Billionaire’s Werewolf Secret is by Sierra Wolf [Eva Grace]. The Billionaire’s –
Amanda: Is Freak Fortress not real, ‘cause I’m going to get pretty pissed.
Sarah: [Laughs] No, it’s real.
Amanda: Sarah.
Sarah: The Billionaire’s Freak Fortress – you know I put that in this quiz just for you, right?
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: The Billionaire’s Freak Fortress, which is a sexy, black woman white male, alpha male, interracial, billionaire, sugar daddy, erotic romance is by Marlo Peterson, but “Hiding in the Billionaire’s Closet,” I made that up.
Carrie: Aw.
Sarah: But I could probably write it for you if really wanted me to. I mean, it wouldn’t be any good.
Amanda: [Laughs]
RHG: I don’t necessarily need it, but I imagine we’ll have some listeners who do.
Sarah: Yeah, someone’s going to be like, me! Gimme it now! All right, who is next?
Carrie: I’m just picturing –
Amanda: Carrie.
Carrie: – like, a really nice closet with, like, a lot of, like, fur coats, and I could just, like, go to sleep in it. Like, I’m not actually having sex in –
Sarah: [Laughs] It’s not, it’s not napping in the billionaire’s closet!
Carrie: – this closet. I’m just really tired, and I’m like, I bet that closet’s really nice!
Sarah: It’s not napping in his closet, it’s hiding in his closet! Maybe it’s a closet inside his freak fortress. Are you going to read about the freak fortress, Amanda?
Amanda: I’m, I’m tempted.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Carrie: Do it! Let’s do it!
Amanda: I am very tempted.
Carrie: Do it!
Sarah: I, I’m amazed that I haven’t encountered the words freak fortress in a romance title until now. Like, I’m kind of sad.
Amanda: I’m going to get, like, real p.o.’d if I open this book and there’s not, like, a handy little, like, blueprint of the freak fortress at the beginning. Like, you know –
[Laughter]
Sarah: Is this like the, like in a fantasy book –
Amanda: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: – where there’s a map with some trees and a river –
Amanda: There’s a map, I want, like, the layout of this fortress. I want to know the square footage of this freak fortress.
Sarah: And then it, what, is it going to be like hit it or list it?
Carrie: [Laughs]
Somebody: Yeah.
Sarah: I’d hit that; I’d flip that. [Laughs]
Amanda: Yeah. Yes.
Sarah: Okay. Carrie, you are up.
Carrie: Okay.
Sarah: Which of the following is not a real book? One of these four is false, okay?
Carrie: Okay, waitwaitwaitwait, wait, wait. I’ve got to, I’ve got to, like, okay. All right, I’m, I’m ready.
Amanda: She’s going to take notes.
Elyse: Carrie, this will not be on your permanent record.
[Laughter]
Carrie: I forget! By the time she gets to (d), I don’t remember (a), (b), or (c).
Sarah: Okay.
Carrie: ‘Kay.
Sarah: Which of the following is not real? Here come titles:
Carrie: Not real!
Sarah: All right. Love and the Exorcism.
Carrie: [Laughs]
Sarah: Love and Mistletoe.
Carrie: Okay.
Sarah: Men, Women, Love and Romance.
Carrie: Okay.
RHG: Oh, that’s definitely not real.
Sarah: Or Love, Shoes, and Handbags.
RHG: That’s real.
Sarah: [Laughs] Amanda, your expression is killing me.
Carrie: Well, I think my gut reaction is Love and the Exorcism, but that’s so weird that I – okay, I’m going to go with that one is not real, but I hope I’m wrong because I just love to think that there’s a world in which that is an actual book.
Sarah: You live in that world; that book is real. Love and the Exorcism –
Carrie: Okay, it is worth losing to know that, and no, I don’t want to read that book. Amanda can read it in her freak fortress.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Amanda’s freak fortress.
Carrie: In the closet of the freak fortress, and like, hang out all day.
Amanda: I’m moving into that freak fortress.
[Laughter]
Sarah: So, Love and the Exorcism is by Melanie Hansen. Love and Mistletoe is by Zara Keane and Betty Jo Schuler. Men, Women – and this tripped me up because it’s men, which is plural, and woman is one, so clearly there’s, like, a whole bunch of freak fortress action going on there –
Somebody: Gross!
Sarah: Men, Women, Love and Romance is by Stephen Whitehead, and I made up “Love, Shoes, and Handbags,” but I think that should also be real, right?
Carrie: That, that, that was my second choice. That was sort of my first choice for false, but I, I just, yeah.
Sarah: All right. Who’s next?
Amanda: I am.
Elyse: Me. Oh, no, Amanda.
Sarah: Amanda. Are you ready?
Somebody: Amanda.
Amanda: I want to try to keep up my zero score for the rest of the game.
RHG: [Laughs]
Sarah: Okay. Which of the following is not a March 2016 Harlequin Presents title? And please note, I could have been a total dick and just included a February 2016 title, but I did not. One of these is not real. Okay?
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: Which of the following is not a March 2016 Harlequin Presents? Carrying the King’s Pride, Bound to Her Ruthless Italian Temptation, Bound to the Tuscan Billionaire, The Secret That Shocked De Santis, or Required to Wear the Tycoon’s Ring.
Amanda: I want to say, what was the second one again? The Italian Temptation?
Sarah: Bound to Her Ruthless Italian Temptation.
Amanda: I want to say it’s that one.
Sarah: You are totally right! Well done! Okay.
[Laughter]
RHG: Ha! No zero score for you!
Amanda: Damn it!
Sarah: [Laughs] All right, so Carrying the King’s Pride is by Jennifer Hayward. I made up “Bound to Her Ruthless Italian Temptation,” but I expect that to be a title ‘cause I know someone at Harlequin is listening.
Amanda: It’ll be March 2017.
Sarah: Bound to the Tuscan Billionaire is Susan Stephens. The Secret That Shocked De Santis is by Natalie Anderson, and Required to Wear the Tycoon’s Ring is Maggie Cox. Yay!
Okay. Elyse. Which of the following is not or has been or is not presently a royal dukedom in England? Like, an actual dukedom. Like, really –
Elyse: Okay, so not romance dukedom; like, real dukedom.
Sarah: Actual, real, live dukedom. You ready?
Elyse: Okay.
Sarah: Albany, Hereford, Guernsey, Sussex, Ross, or Kendall.
Elyse: I’m going to pick Guernsey just purely because it’s the name of a cow.
Sarah: You are right. There is no Duke of Guernsey –
Elyse: Yeah!
Sarah: – but there legit should be. And I bet it’s a shifter romance if you make it up.
Somebody: [Gasps]
Elyse: That would be like – oh, no, he wouldn’t have udders then, ‘cause it’d be a dude. Never mind.
Sarah: Yeah, he’d be a bull. Although if, if they were both shifters, it could get pretty funky.
Elyse: It could.
Sarah: Okay. RedHeadedGirl –
RHG: Yeah.
Sarah: – we are back to you. Are you ready? Which of the following is not a Harlequin mini-series title? And I want you to know that on the series page that I found, searching for the word Texas brought up 98 results, and this whole quiz could have been nothing but Harlequin series titles, so. Which of the following is not a Harlequin mini-series? Cupid’s Bow, Texas; Children of Texas; Blue Falls, Texas – note, that’s Blue Falls, not Blue Balls – The Boones of Texas; or The Harts of Texas.
RHG: Is that Harts like H-A-R-T?
Sarah: Yes, I beg your pardon. Harts –
RHG: Yeah.
Sarah: Harts of Texas.
RHG: Can I, can I phone a friend?
[Laughs]
Sarah: What’s that mean, ask Google?
RHG: [Laughs]
Sarah: Can I Google this, Sarah? No. I just want you to know that I now have to Google, because I forgot to signal to myself which one was wrong.
[Laughter]
Sarah: I’m so great! Okay, I know which one it is.
RHG: This is a classy, professional organization, people.
Sarah: Hey, I, I am all kinds of professional class or class professional. Blue Falls, Blue Balls, Blue – So we have Cupid’s Bow, Texas –
Sarah: – Children of Texas; Blue Falls, Texas; The Boones of Texas; or Harts of Texas, H-A-R-T-S.
RHG: Okay. H, the, the Harts of Texas is just stupid enough that it’s got to be real. Cupid’s whatever, also stupid, so probably real. I’m going to go with Children of Texas is the one you made up because that’s, not only is that dumb, but it’s also boring.
Sarah: [Laughs] So –
Amanda: Kind of harsh.
Sarah: – your theory is that Children is dumb, and Cupid’s Bow is just too cheesy.
RHG: It’s so dumb it has to be real.
Sarah: Right.
Amanda: If they’re dumb, they’re real, but if they’re dumb and boring, they’re not real.
RHG: [Laughs] Right.
Somebody: Right.
Sarah: So if they’re all, they’re all dumb and boring, then they’re all real?
RHG: They’re all, they’re all really dumb, but, but Children of Texas is, is just so, like, it’s the embodiment of beige.
[Laughter]
RHG: Amanda just took a drink of diet cola. [Laughs]
Amanda: Yep, I did. I did. That was a mistake on my part.
Sarah: All right, I am –
RHG: Yep.
Sarah: – I am sorry to inform you, they are all real.
Elyse: That’s a trick question, Sarah!
RHG: Sarah! Sarah!
Carrie: I don’t –
RHG: Well, I call foul. I call foul.
Carrie: That’s bull. Yeah, no, that’s, that’s cheating.
Sarah: So one of them has to be fake? I can’t give you a trick question?
RHG: No!
Carrie: – RedHeadedGirl on this.
Sarah: Oh, okay. Well, I’m sorry.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: Should I give you a point anyway ‘cause it’s a trick question?
RHG: Yes!
Sarah: Okay, fine.
Amanda: What?! She doesn’t get a point for that.
RHG: What?
Amanda: You need to give her another, give her another question.
Sarah: Another question?
Somebody: Oh, yeah.
Sarah: Okay. All right, hang on.
RHG: – the other solution better, but okay.
[Laughter]
Sarah: All right. I’m going to make up another question.
RHG: On the spot.
Sarah: On the spot. This will end well, right?
Carrie: Oh, boy.
RHG: Oh, def-, definitely.
Sarah: Okay.
RHG: They’re the ones who put, put you in this position.
Sarah: All right, pick, pick a letter between A and W.
RHG: Um –
Elyse: Umlaut.
[Laughter]
Elyse: Should have picked random symbols. Just –
Carrie: Yes!
Elyse: Ampersand!
Carrie: Sarah, you mean in the English Roman alphabet?
Sarah: Yes, thank you. [Laughs]
Carrie: ‘Kay.
RHG: G, please.
Sarah: All right, G. Which of the following of these four is not a Love Inspired mini-series? Love Inspired is the inspirational line? All right. Which of the following is not real: Goose Harbor, Gordon Falls, Grace Haven, or Gander Valley?
Somebody: [Laughs]
RHG: Um –
Sarah: I’d also like to share with you that there is Brides of Amish Country.
Amanda: Gander Valley makes me uncomfortable. I’m just going to say that right now.
Sarah: Refuge Ranch is also a series.
RHG: Gander, Gander Valley.
Sarah: You are right. I made that up on the spot.
Elyse: What’s the deal with all of the Amish romance in, like, the inspirational line?
Sarah: Like, why, why are there Amish?
Elyse: Why, why are there so many inspirational romances about Amish people that are not marketed to, like, Amish people? Like, why, why do so many Christian romance readers want to read about Amish people? I don’t understand.
Sarah: Oh, because it’s a, it’s a representation of a significant amount of religious purity. It is a contemporary setting of an, an enormous amount of religious structure, and it blends this sort of realism and otherworldliness that, like, there’s, this world is real, but you’re not in it, so you have this option to go enter this unique world that’s, that is, actually exists, as opposed to paranormal, where people, you know, have sex with gargoyles and shit? It, it has an enormously popular following, especially around where the Amish live, but the Amish themselves do not buy them. Actually, that’s not incorrect, that’s incorrect. Some sects of Amish people interact with the, the worldly world and would buy these books, and some of the Amish are proofreaders for the authors who, you know, correct the plot and, and, you know, the things that are happening in the Amish world, but the Amish who have no interaction with the world as much as possible, they would not be buying these books.
Elyse: It’s, my mother-in-law’s, like, on a huge Amish book kick –
Sarah: I’m sorry.
Elyse: – and it’s like they’re never-ending. [Whispers] They’re never-ending!
RHG: No, they, they don’t.
Sarah: Oh, no, they’re very popular because it’s, it’s a way of having a great deal of religious structure in a contemporary world that’s not yours.
Elyse: True story: I think I really scared Rose Lerner at RT because I saw her in an elevator and I had her sign something, and I’m like, you might be the only thing that my mother and I agree, mother-in-law and I agree on. Like, it’s just you –
Sarah: I would be frightened by that.
Elyse: – and nothing else. Like, you’re our safe zone for conversation. That’s it. It’s just you, Rose.
Carrie: Our listeners are missing something by not being able to get the visual of –
Sarah: Oh, yeah, all of us have tissues.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Snot everywhere. All right, who is next?
Amanda: Carrie.
Sarah: Carrie?
Carrie: Oh, God!
Sarah: Easy, it’s a true-false, okay?
Carrie: Okay! Hit me!
Sarah: True-false:
Carrie: Yes!
Sarah: Is Made in Texas a Harlequin mini-series?
Carrie: True!
Sarah: Yes! Yes, it is! Very well done –
Carrie: [Cheers]
Sarah: – ‘cause Children of Texas, we’ve got to have Made in Texas. RedHeadedGirl, are you still bitter?
Elyse: No, wait, is it M-A-D-E or M-A-I-D?
Sarah: Oh, it’s M-A-D-E, but –
Elyse: Ohhh.
Sarah: – maid, as in M-A-I-D, could also be, or it will be soon ‘cause we’ve just said it. We’ve spoken it into being –
RHG: Yeah.
Sarah: – and someone at Harlequin headquarters just sat up and went, I have an idea!
Carrie: Can we, like, demand –
RHG: [Laughs]
Carrie: Yeah, can we, like, demand a percentage now?
Sarah: No.
Carrie: No. Shit.
Sarah: If you know the outcome of the class-action suit against Harlequin, you know that the answer is a big fat no.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Okay, who’s next?
Amanda: I am.
Sarah: Oh, right.
Amanda: Ohhh.
Sarah: Are you ready?
Amanda: No.
Sarah: Which of the following is not a Harlequin mini-series, and one of these is actually not, so you know.
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: Texas Rodeo Barons, Texas Maternity, Texas Paternity, Texas Confidential, Texas State Troopers, or Texas Outlaws.
Amanda: Damn it! [Laughs]
Sarah: So you have Rodeo Barons –
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: – Maternity, Paternity, Confidential, State Troopers, and Outlaws. Seriously, it’s like they have, like, this big wheel of words and they – [laughs] – just rotate the wheel and once it’s –
Amanda: Well, Maternity, I can see, you know, them having pregnant ladies on the cover, ‘cause it happens.
Sarah: Yes, it does.
Amanda: But you can’t really question the maternity of something. Like – ugh! I’m either between the Maternity one or the Rodeo Barons.
Sarah: Texas Rodeo Barons.
Amanda: I’m going to go with Rodeo Barons.
Sarah: Those are real.
Amanda: What’s the fake one?
Sarah: Texas State Troopers, ‘cause Texas does not have state troopers –
Amanda: How?
Sarah: – they have Rangers.
Amanda: Ohhh.
Sarah: But they legit have, like, four mini-series ‘bout Texas Rangers. Not the baseball team; like, the actual law enforcement division.
RHG: Rangers.
Sarah: Rangers.
RHG: With the, the vests and, and the mask, right?
Sarah: And, and Chuck Norris.
Elyse: Yep.
Amanda and RHG: Yeah
Sarah: Yes. So there you go. Sorry. There are Texan Rodeo Barons, Maternity, Confidential, Paternity, and Outlaws, and lots and lots and lots of Texas. I was really tempted to throw one in there that was Texas Family Planning, but you’d know that wasn’t real.
[Laughter]
Elyse: I feel like, I feel like Texas Paternity sounds more like a, like there’s a 99% chance that you’re the father type of, you know?
Amanda: That seems like a secret baby line, though. You know what I mean?
Sarah: Well, some of the titles in – [laughs] – the Texas Paternity line –
Amanda: Yeah, what are they?
Sarah: Expecting Trouble.
Amanda: Yep.
Elyse: ‘Kay.
Sarah: Secret Delivery.
Amanda: Of course.
Carrie: Of course.
RHG: [Laughs]
Sarah: I don’t know what happened in this paternity story, but it’s Branded by the Sheriff!
Amanda: Been there, yep.
Carrie: Oh, my God.
[Laughter]
Amanda: Wrote that one.
Sarah: Been there. [Laughs] The full series, by the way, the full name of the series is Texas Paternity: Boots and Booties –
[Laughter]
Elyse: Oh. My. God.
Sarah: – but it’s baby booties, not, like, girl booties. [Laughs] If there was a booty call, it doesn’t take place in this book. It’s the booties that you put on a baby. Of course, now I want Texas Paternity: Boots and Booty Calls.
Amanda: [Laughs]
Sarah: Like, I would read the shit out of that! There’s also Babies & Bachelors USA. That sounds like a bad idea.
Amanda: What is happening with these babies and bachelors? Like, what are they doing hanging out together? Like –
[Laughter]
Amanda: Like –
RHG: Look, look, sometimes you just find a random baby on the side of the road –
Elyse: Yeah.
Amanda: [Laughs] Did you –
RHG: – and you realize that you’re about to start your romance plot, so you have to pick it up and find it –
Carrie: Right!
RHG: – diapers and stuff.
Elyse: Did, do either – bleh – do any of you watch the series Archer?
Amanda and Sarah: Yes!
Carrie: No.
Elyse: Okay, so remember when he –
Sarah: Ah, Archer.
Elyse: – remember when he bonded with the little baby, Seamus, but then it wasn’t his baby – or maybe it was; I don’t remember – but they got matching tattoos, where he has, like, Seamus on his shoulder, and the baby has, like, an Archer tattoo?
[Laughter]
Amanda: That’s what happens.
Sarah: [Sighs, laughs] So I have a, an extra, I have an extra bonus for you guys? There is another mini-series called – and I won’t even tell you the name of the, of the, of the books, because it just doesn’t matter –
[Laughter]
Sarah: The, the mini-series – Amanda, hold onto your earbuds – it’s –
Amanda: Okay.
Sarah: – Daddy Dude Ranch.
Amanda: Yep.
RHG: Nope. Nope.
Elyse: No.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: Is it, is it like the Bunny Ranch in Vegas –
Elyse: No.
Carrie: I feel like it would be.
Amanda: Where it’s just, like, a bunch of, like –
RHG: Nope.
Amanda: – hot single dads on a ranch in Texas.
RHG: Nope.
Sarah: I would watch that show so much.
Amanda: I would, I would go there. I would –
Sarah: At the Daddy Dude Ranch. It’s like the Bunny Ranch, only, like, hot, single guys.
Amanda: And you just pay to watch them, like, take care of a baby. That’s it. Like, there’s not even any sex stuff. You just, like, watch this dad with this cute little kid on, like, a swing set or –
Sarah: Thank God I have tissues.
Amanda: – like, playing with fire trucks. Like, that’s it. That’s all you get.
Somebody: Yeah.
Sarah: In a little playground?
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: With a little seesaw?
Amanda: Yep. [Laughs]
Sarah: See, people like to talk about how we’re really influential, right, and I’m always kind of like, well, sort of, except that we’re talking about thing that are already out, which was somebody’s good idea, like two years ago, so I don’t know how much we can influence things that are already out, but if suddenly there’s, like, Daddy Dude Ranch on reality TV, I’m going to be really happy for you.
Amanda: I will be happy for myself too.
Carrie: I would totally watch Daddy Dude Ranch. Absolutely.
[Laughter]
Carrie: My God, are you kidding me? I would be all over that.
Sarah: And then one of the daddies has to work in an office, right, but he’ll go to work not knowing that he’s got baby spit-up down the back of his shirt and his trousers –
Somebody: Aw!
Sarah: – ‘cause that’s legit happened to all daddies I know.
[Laughter]
Elyse: Like, so I’m just going to share kind of a, a bitch about the whole series romance focused on, like, dudes suddenly becoming a dad. Like, maybe I’m just overthinking it or being crabby, but isn’t that kind of, like, based on the supposition that dudes normally aren’t good dads? You know what I mean? For, like –
Sarah: It’s entirely based on that supposition that –
Somebody: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: – I mean, so much of romance is based on the idea that men can’t do emotional labor.
Elyse: Right.
Sarah: And so –
Elyse: And –
Sarah: – like, there’s all these bar-, barriers to men being able to have feels.
Elyse: I just, I don’t know, it’s like when people say their husband is babysitting. It’s like, he’s not babysitting! It’s his fucking kids!
Carrie: Rage! Rage!
Sarah: Do not get me started on that. That makes me –
Carrie: So much rage!
Sarah: – bonkers.
Carrie: I swear to God, when people say that, like, I will actually hit them.
Sarah: So –
Elyse: it’s like every time I see one of those titles, I, I just kind of want to be like, well, yeah, he got you pregnant, and now he’s actually acting like a decent human being. Like, why is this a book?
Carrie: Right.
Elyse: This should just be the way it is.
Sarah: I, I’m, I’m always fascinated by the distance between the portrayal of fatherhood and then the actual fathers I know? Like, they are not the same species at all?
RHG: Mm.
Somebody: Yeah.
Sarah: Especially where I, where I was in New Jersey, and then here as well? There are so many more stay-at-home dads. Like, I have a friend who does home-based early intervention, so she goes to preschoolers’ homes, and she’s like, it used to be, you know, grandmas and aunts and nannies, and now it’s dads. All the dads are home –
Carrie: Oh, yeah.
Sarah: – and they are in charge, and I was like, yeah, but you don’t see that on the television or in books. I do have a series for you though, Elyse.
Elyse: Shit.
Sarah: Checking E-Males – that would be M-A-L-E-S.
Amanda: Ooh!
Elyse: Okay.
[Laughter]
Sarah: And they’re Harlequin Blaze by Isabel Sharpe, so those would, those are going to be pretty good. The, the series title being cute, and then the books are, like, Long Slow Burn, Hot to the Touch, Turn Up the Heat, they’re not as good as Checking E-Males.
Elyse: No. No.
Sarah: Amanda’s unimpressed with the E-males. She wants actual males.
Amanda: No! Well, I mean, I’ll – take it where you can get it, I guess.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Okay.
Elyse: I, I just got an email from the nice people at –
Amanda: Like, an E-Male or an email?
[Laughter]
Amanda: Which [male/mail]?
Elyse: M-A-I-L –
Amanda: Okay.
Elyse: – from the nice people at HarperCollins. Remember in, we talked about what we were looking, was it the – what the hell’s the post where we talk about we’re going to buy this month, and it’s really expensive?
Carrie and RHG: Hide Your Wallet.
Elyse: Hide Your Wallet, and I said I was really excited for The Oxford Inheritance, and I believe the words I used were, just put that in my eyeballs, please?
Sarah: Yeah?
Elyse: The senior publicist just emailed me: I would be happy to put that in your eyeballs. Do you need a copy?
[Laughter]
Sarah: Well, which one was it?
Elyse: Oh, Jessie.
Sarah: Jessie’s the best!
Elyse: Yes!
Amanda: She’s amazing!
Sarah: She says you guys don’t email her enough and that she would welcome any and all communications from her –
Elyse: See, I feel –
Sarah: – so you can send her the email.
All right, who’s next?
Elyse: Me.
Amanda: Elyse.
Sarah: Elyse? Which of the following is not a book in the Cupcake Bakery Mystery series by Jenn McKinlay?
Elyse: Ah, fuck.
[Laughter]
Elyse: I don’t, I don’t read –
Sarah: Oh, my God, RedHeadedGirl just put her head in her hands like, ah, no. [Laughs] Oh, shit!
Elyse: I don’t read any fucking cupcake mysteries. If there’s not dismemberment implied strongly –
Amanda: Uh, Elyse –
Carrie: How do you know there’s no dismemberment cupcake mystery?
Amanda: Yeah. How do you know that that’s not what the cupcakes are made out of?
Elyse: Because, ‘cause clearly you’ve got, you got a blood-borne pathogen issue right there –
[Laughter]
Elyse: – and the state health department’s going to come, they’re going to shut your bakery down.
Sarah: Clearly.
Amanda: This could be like Sweeney Todd.
RHG: Yes, and then what happens is you call the crime scene cleaner guys who clean up the bakery –
Sarah: [Purrs]
RHG: – and that’s your meet-cute!
Amanda: Yeah, it’s right there!
Carrie: And this is why –
RHG: The baker and the crime scene cleaner.
Carrie: – this is why most of us know better than to eat the Red Velvet.
Elyse: Yeah.
RHG: Heyo! Shots fired!
[Laughter]
Sarah: So would you guys, would you guys agree that the most contentious issue between the five of us is Red Velvet and cheese?
Elyse: Yes.
Carrie: Yes.
RHG: Yes. I mean cheese, that’s not even contentious. You’re just wrong.
Carrie: Yeah, no, that’s, there’s no contention there. You’re just insane.
Sarah: Oh, okay.
RHG: Yep.
Carrie: Like, like, I think it’s like, like, Sarah’s our outlier, right? Isn’t Sarah, like, our –
RHG: Yes.
Carrie: – cheese – Sarah needs help. You need help, Sarah.
Amanda: I tend to stay out of –
Carrie: People should mail you proper cheese.
Amanda: – our Velveeta issues, but I am Team Velveeta. I just don’t –
Carrie: No!
Sarah: Ohhh!
Amanda: – say anything.
Sarah: I’m not alone!
RHG: Right, Amanda?
RHG: Amanda. Amanda.
Sarah: I’m not alone!
RHG: We’re going to find a grocery store in Sweden, and I’m just going to show you the cheese selection.
Amanda: Like, I’m not saying Velveeta is, like, prime cheese or anything –
Sarah: [Laughs]
Amanda: – but you heat that shit up with some Ro*Tel and give me some fucking chips and leave me alone.
Carrie: Oh, my God, no! Like, I couldn’t be in the same room Velveeta.
Elyse: I’m surprised that we don’t have a romance novel yet where Velveeta has been used as lube.
[Laughter]
Elyse: Right, we’ve got chocolate pie, but no one’s, no one’s just grabbed the brick of Velveeta –
RHG: We probably do. Somebody, somebody send us the link, and Sarah will be the one who reads it and reviews it.
Elyse: [Laughs] Exactly!
Carrie: As a punishment for, for her trickery.
Sarah: All right. Velveeta lube romance. I, if it doesn’t exist, I will write it for you.
RHG: Yeah. So –
Carrie: Yes.
RHG: – I, I just want to go back to this cozy mystery thing –
Sarah: Mm-hmm.
RHG: – for a second. A couple –
Sarah: Yes, the Cupcake Bakery Mystery series.
RHG: – a couple of, a couple of months ago, Anglo-Filles did a podcast on mysteries.
Sarah: Right.
RHG: And Alina and Kayleigh both threatened to write a cozy mystery series where I am the heroine, only it is very clear that I am the heroine of a grimdark series who is trapped in a cozy mystery.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Carrie: Well, I, I approve of –
Elyse: Why are there so many quilts, God damn it?
[Laughter]
RHG: What is with the cupcakes! [Laughs]
Sarah: I think that would be an ideal series.
Elyse: I’d read the shit out of that.
Carrie: I’m trying an experiment –
Elyse: So what are my cupcake options?
Sarah: All right. Which of the following is not a book in the Cupcake Bakery Mystery series by Jenn McKinlay? (a) Going, Going, Ganache.
Amanda: Ooh!
Sarah: (b) Dark Chocolate Demise. (c) Sugar, Spice, and You Got Iced. (d) Red Velvet Revenge.
Amanda: [Laughs] Oh, no!
Sarah: (e) Vanilla Beaned.
Amanda: Vanilla Beaned?
Elyse: Vanil-, I’m going to go with Van-, Vanilla Beaned, ‘cause I hope that they didn’t use that one.
Sarah: No, sorry, that one’s real.
Elyse: Shit.
Sarah: “Sugar, Spice, and You Got Iced” is the one I made up. No.
Somebody: Oh, my God.
Sarah: Going, Going, Ganache; Dark Chocolate Demise; Red Velvet Revenge; and Vanilla Beaned are all real.
Amanda: Vanilla Beaned.
Sarah: Red Velvet, Red Velvet Revenge! It’s like they know you.
Elyse: How many murders can reasonably happen around a cupcake store?
Sarah: This is my question! There’re all these dead bodies around this one duo who run a cupcake shop, and no one is suspicious?
Elyse: No. That’s like –
Sarah: And they, like, oh, well, you know, we –
Elyse: That’s like the –
Sarah: – might as well take a break and go solve crime. Like –
Elyse: It’s like all the NCIS spin-offs. Like, how many naval-based crimes can there really be at any given time?
Sarah: There’s a whole lot of navals in the navy, baby.
Amanda: Do we need a score update?
Sarah: We do need a score update.
Amanda: So, RedHeadedGirl and Carrie are in the lead and tied with two points each, and then Elyse and myself are tied for last place with one point each.
Sarah: [Laughs] So who do we have left to go?
Elyse: We’re, we’re all, we’ve all been through.
Sarah: We’ve all been through.
Amanda: We’ve all been through, like, three times.
Elyse: So you need to do a tiebreaker between Carrie and RedHeadedGirl.
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: Ohhh, okay.
RHG: Lightning round!
Sarah: Lightning round.
RHG: And Carrie’s not here right now, so I win!
Amanda: [Laughs] By default.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Well, I do have the tiebreaker question, but while we wait for Carrie, I do need to tell you about an email pitch that I received, because I receive the best pitches in my email inbox, and they have nothing to do with romance.
Sarah:
For immediate release, announcing the launch of myfriendsmells.com, sending cologne wipes to smelly friends.
Somebody: Oh, my –
Elyse: Why would you be friends with someone who smelled bad? And if he were –
Sarah: Both buyers and recipients are cracking up and smelling great in the process. Bad body odor is not limited to the U.S., and there’s a lucrative market segment by offering international shipping for small free, a small fee. Everyone has a stinky friend.
Oh, my God.
So you can smell like a legend, smell like a gentleman, or smell like – something else. I’m going to have to go to the website and find out what the smells are, aren’t I?
RHG: Mm-hmm.
Elyse: Why wouldn’t you just tell your friend to take a fucking shower?
Sarah: [Laughs] You want to be that –
Somebody: Yeah!
Sarah: Oh, geeze.
Elyse: I feel like I love all of you enough that if one of you smelled really bad, I would just be straightforward about it.
RHG: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: Everyone has a stinky friend, a classmate, coworker, boss, or sibling or other stank suspect. Send one wipe for $1.99, and if they really smell you can send four for $4.99. They send you anonymously.
Bro: Someone thinks you smell bad. Sincerely, Anonymous –
RHG: No!
Carrie: No!
Sarah: – and then you get a little wet wipe, you can smell like a champ?
RHG: No!
Sarah: Yes.
RHG: Oh, no!
Sarah: Yes. You can smell – what are the, is this site real? Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course, this is real.
RHG: God!
Amanda: I like how this is kind of coded for dudes. Let’s be honest –
Sarah: I – if you like the scents –
Amanda: – this is clearly for men.
Sarah: – if you like the scents, you can go at, and buy the, buy the, the sell, the, the smells that you like. You can smell like a champ, you can smell like a gentleman, you can smell like a legend, or you can smell like a VIP.
Elyse: Well, here’s, but you’re just – oh! – like, you’re just masking the issue with your stinky-ass cologne wet wipe. Like, the issue is –
Somebody: Yeah.
Elyse: – clearly hygiene-related. Go take a shower!
Sarah: This is horrible! All I can think of is that one time I was in CVS in New Jersey – because that’s the only place where this could happen – and this guy walks in, probably six feet, more, ‘cause he’s very tall and very big, and he walks in and he throws his arms open to everyone working in the –
RHG: Ugh!
Sarah: – everyone working in the check-out line and everyone behind the counter, and he goes, hey! Axe body spray?
[Laughter]
Sarah: And we all just stared at him, and then one of them was like, right this way, sir. He’s like, thank you! And I’m like, you, no. No! No! But sure enough, he walked out with, like, the, the Costco-sized bucket of Axe body spray. That guy smells like a legend.
Carrie: [Laughs]
RHG: Not a good one.
Sarah: This is horrible. Yeah. I’m, I’m sorry. Carrie, to catch you up, I received a pitch for a website called My Friend Smells where you can anonymously send a cologne wipe with a note that says, hey, bro, someone thinks you smell bad.
Carrie: I sort of gathered. I think I, I came in just in the nick of time to get the gist of this –
Sarah: Okay.
Carrie: – heartwarming tale.
Sarah: Of bad smells. Oh, Lord. I’m looking forward to when my children are a little oy, a little older, and, you know, little boys become stankier as they go through puberty –
Elyse: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: – and I’m going to have to be like –
Carrie: Oh, yes.
Sarah: – okay, (a) there will be no one in this house who wears Axe body spray. Like, I don’t care if they’re a girl that you really like or a boy that you really like. No one comes through the door wearing that. And (b) you will shower when I tell you to shower. ‘Cause I have a super-sensitive sense of smell?
RHG: Hmm.
Sarah: Like, we have a lidded trash can, and it could be, like, half full and no one in the house can smell it, and I’ll be, like, in the opposite corner of the house and be like, rotten chicken! Take the garbage out! Like, I can smell – and, and when I was pregnant, I was like a Goddamn bloodhound. Well –
Elyse: Hey, do you guys follow the Twitter pun-, I think it’s pungent romance, where it –
Sarah: @pungentlove.
Elyse: Yes, where they just describe the different smell, like, how the hero smells in romance novels?
Carrie: Oh, yeah.
RHG: [Laughs]
Carrie: He smelled like leather and man!
Elyse: Like, what the – yeah.
Carrie: I’m like, what, what, what does that mean?
Sarah: It’s always leather, horses, musk, or –
Amanda: Musk, yep.
RHG: Yep.
Sarah: – or, or, the one that gets me is good, clean sweat? Like, is there a not good, clean sweat? Is there, like, a bad –
RHG: Yes, there is. Yes.
Carrie: There is clean sweat.
RHG: There’s fear sweat, and there’s booze sweat.
Sarah: Oh, and there’s also just adipose sedentary sweat, which is what turns –
Carrie: Yes.
Sarah: – that changes, that turns your clothing yellow in the armpit. I, I don’t get the things that men smell like that are supposed to be good that are, that, that, like, horses and sweat, and I’m like, oh, God! Ugh! No!
Elyse: Yeah.
RHG: Well, there’s the one where the dude smelled like grass.
Elyse: Yeah.
Sarah: Like pot?
RHG: Yeah. Grass.
Elyse: No, like, like a freshly mowed lawn.
RHG: A freshly mowed lawn.
Elyse: Yeah.
Sarah: What is he, a, a Demeter fragrance? Like, I have one that smells like clean laundry, and I just put that in the, in my room for, for shits and giggles. Like, what?
Elyse: Sometimes they smell like pine.
Carrie: – but, like, that smell is lost on me. The smell of –
Sarah: Pine, oh, and cedar. A lot of men smell like cedar.
Elyse: Yes. Sandalwood.
Sarah: Like they’re just rubbing up against a tree.
Carrie: [Laughs]
Elyse: Scratching their butt like a bear.
Sarah: [Laughs] They’ve got to get the hair off somehow. It’s the nearest depilatory surface.
Carrie: And just to be clear with, like, the podcast world, like, I do think there’s a difference between, like, sort of the “clean sweat” and he smelled like sweat. Like, generally speaking, sweat is not, like, something people want to smell like, no.
Sarah: No, not at all, not at all.
Carrie: Oh, no.
Sarah: Okay, so you guys are tied.
Amanda: Tiebreaker.
Sarah: Yes.
RHG: Yep.
Sarah: Okay, we could do this one of two ways. We could have one question that you both have to answer, or I could give you each a question, and if you’re tied again, then you both win.
RHG: What do we win? What’s, what, what’s at stake here?
Sarah: The people’s ovation and fame forever.
RHG: Okay, fair enough.
[Laughter]
Carrie: Okay.
Sarah: All right, so who’s going first?
RHG: Carrie is.
Carrie: I’ll go first.
Sarah: Okay, Carrie?
Carrie: Yeah.
Sarah: Which of the following is not a real small town romance location? Mm-kay?
Carrie: Not. Okay, and is this, like, a trick question, or is this –
Sarah: No, no, I won’t do that again. I won’t do that again! I, my, my reputation as an honest, upright citizen has taken a hit because I was –
RHG: I’m going to, like, the whole –
Carrie: It’s tarnished now.
Sarah: You’re going to had, hide bad smells in my house and make me paranoid.
Carrie: [Laughs]
Sarah: I’ll find, like, tear vials and rotten smells. I’ll be like, why are you here? Okay.
RHG: But you have forced air now.
Sarah: This is true, I do. I do have forced air, and it is deadly when you have a cold. Holy shit. [Laughs] Okay. Carrie –
Carrie: All right.
Sarah: – which of the following is not a real small town romance location?
Carrie: Okay.
Sarah: These aren’t actual small towns; they’re small towns in romance land. Or a small town –
Carrie: Right.
Sarah: – series. Icy Lake, Lake Sullivan, Cold Water Harbor, Eagle Harbor, or Bell Harbor.
Carrie: Icy Lake.
Sarah: Icy Lake is real! That is a series by –
Carrie: Damn it!
Sarah: – Antoinette Dwyer. Lake Sullivan is by Cate Cameron, Eagle Harbor is by Naomi Rawlings, and Bell Harbor is Tracy Brogan. Cold Water Harbor is not real. All right, RedHeadedGirl.
RHG: All right.
Sarah: Are you ready? This is one of those which book is not real? Four of these are real; one is not?
RHG: Okay.
Sarah: Which of the following is not a real book: Bearilicious, big beautiful woman, paranormal, bear shifter, romance collection.
RHG: ‘Kay.
Sarah: (b) Shifters of Silver Peak: A Very Shifty Christmas. (c) Taming the Bear Shifter, biker bear-shifter romance.
RHG: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: Panther Apocalypse, a post-apocalyptic biker gang panther-shifter romance, or A Lady for the Liger, big beautiful woman, liger-shifter romance. [Laughs] Oh, God, I wish I could just see this, share the world the face that you just made.
RHG: [Laughs]
Sarah: So we’ve got Bearilicious, Shifters of Silver Peak: A Very Shifty Christmas, Taming the Bear Shifter, Panthers Apocalypse, or A Lady for the Liger. [Laughs] So much rides on your answer!
RHG: [Laughs] So much does! So, I’d say that the fourth one, the panther whatever, the Panther Apocalypse is it –
Sarah: Post alop, post-apocalyptic –
RHG: No, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not done. I’m not done.
Sarah: Sorry!
RHG: I am not done.
[Laughter]
RHG: My gut reaction is that that’s the fake one because one of these things is not like the other, kind of, only that’s too obvious, and you’re too crafty for that, I would like to think. So clearly I cannot choose the one in front of me.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Oh, God, there’s a death on the line.
RHG: Right! So let’s go invade Asia. I’m going to say it’s the – what is this face you’re making right now? [Laughs]
Sarah: I will tell you when you’re done answering.
RHG: Okay. So I’m going to just go for broke, pull the answer out of my ass, and say it’s (c).
Sarah: I’m sorry, you’re instinct was right. “Panther Apocalypse” is not real.
[Laughter]
RHG: So I can’t choose the wine in front of you.
Sarah: No, you cannot choose the wine in front of me. Bearilicious, a big black – big black – big beautiful woman, paranormal, bear-shifter romance collection is ten for 99 cents, by the way, should you wish. Shifters of Silver Peak: A Very Shifter, Shifty Christmas is by Georgette St. Clair; Taming the Bear Shifter, biker bear-shifter romance, is by Terry Jade; and A Lady for the Liger is by Kennar Jae. So, I’m sorry. There is no, there is no reigning champion. Would you like me to come up with one more question?
RHG: Yes.
Sarah: Yes?
RHG: [Laughs]
Sarah: All right.
RHG: I want the title!
Amanda: This competition is never going to end.
Carrie: And I want to say, our listeners can’t see this –
RHG: [Laughs] It’s never going to end.
Carrie: – but me and Amanda and Elyse are all, like, in the same position where we’re sort of falling over.
Elyse: We’re, like, we’re leaning down.
Sarah: [Laughs]
Carrie: We’re like, ready to go.
Sarah: I feel bad, I feel bad that we’re boring!
Amanda: It’s not just me.
Elyse: No, I just enjoy being horizontal.
Amanda: Oh, I bet you do, Elyse.
Elyse: Oh, yeah!
[Laughter]
Sarah: All right, so it’s going to take me a second to come up with evilness here. All right, I’ve got the complete mini-series list here. Holy shit. Doing It Better.
Carrie: [Laughs]
Amanda: Why not Doing It the Best?
Sarah: [Laughs] They wouldn’t need another series.
Amanda: Shoot for the moon.
Sarah: Okay.
RHG: I’d read that.
Sarah: Oh, my goodness. I swear to God, you know how there’s things where if you’re having a bad day, you know, you go read the, the Decadent review with surprise anal, or you go read that one entry that always makes you laugh. I could legitimately just look at Harlequin series listings for, just, just to make me feel happy, ‘cause they’re –
RHG: Is, is the Decadent review the fucking her ass, saving her life one?
Sarah: Yeah, that’s Decadent.
Amanda: Yes.
RHG: Ah, yeah.
Carrie: A classic.
RHG: Yep. I mean, I keep forgetting that that book even has, like, a, a name.
Sarah: Pregnant by the Boss. That seems kind of like, well, you know what happened.
Amanda: So is Bruce Springsteen in it?
RHG: Probably.
Sarah: Maybe.
Carrie: [Laughs]
Amanda: Is he the Boss in question?
RHG: Probably.
Sarah: All right. Who is going first? Carrie?
Carrie: Sure, I’ll go first.
Sarah: All right, which of the following is not a series? ‘Cause I was just looking at the list. Plan B: Backup Baby, From Every Angle, The Man Handlers, or Platinum Grooms. Oh, my God, Amanda, your face just now.
[Laughter]
Sarah: Amanda’s like, Man Handlers?! No!
Carrie: Plan B –
Sarah: Plan B: Backup Baby –
Carrie: – that is not a real series.
Sarah: What?
Carrie: I have to pick the one that’s not a real series?
Sarah: One of these is not a real series.
Carrie: Plan B. Plan B is not a real series.
Sarah: Well done! That is not real! From Every Angle, The Man Handlers, and Platinum Grooms are all real series. All right. RedHeadedGirl, are you ready?
RHG: Mm-hmm.
Sarah: All right, here we go! One of these is not real: Lust in Translation –
RHG: Uh-huh.
Sarah: – Lust at First Bite –
RHG: Naturally.
Sarah: – Lust Potion Number Nine, and Lust in the Time of Steam. [Laughs]
RHG: Lust Potion Number Nine.
Sarah: Nope, that’s real!
Carrie: Yeah, baby!
Sarah: “Lust at First Bite” is not real. Congratulations, Carrie!
RHG: Oh, come on!
Amanda: Carrie takes it!
RHG: Carrie takes the crown.
Sarah: Yay! Carrie wins –
Carrie: Whoooo!
Sarah: – the people’s ovation for fame and ever and whatever. Yay!
[music]
Sarah: And that is all for this week’s episode. Have I said thank you for listening yet today? This episode? I don’t know if I did, but if I didn’t, which I don’t think I did, thank you. Thank you for listening and tuning in. It is so cool to log in on a Friday and have all of these different comments in different places from people going, yay! New podcast! So, thank you for enjoying the podcast as much as we enjoy producing it.
I want to thank all of the Bitches, to RedHeadedGirl and Elyse and Carrie and Amanda for taking the time to hang out with me on Skype. Clearly it’s a hardship for them, because I’m really, really mean, and I make them take quizzes that are, you know, full of trick questions. Seriously, I think they’re going to bring that up for the next, like, two or three years easily. Easily.
This podcast was sponsored by Jessica Khoury, author of The Forbidden Wish, published by Penguin Young Readers and available in print and eBook. When love is the only forbidden wish, why wish at all? Aladdin is still a boy from the streets, but Zahra is the Jinni, and their love could cost her everything, including her freedom. A romantic retelling of the story that you thought you knew, available now.
The music you’re listening to was provided by Sassy Outwater. This is pretty much my new favorite album of music to listen to while I’m working. It is extremely peppy! This is a band called Sketch. This is “Out of My Cage” from their album Shed, which I am very much enjoying. You can find Sassy and talk to her about how awesome this music is @SassyOutwater on Twitter, and you can find “Out of My Cage” and the whole album Shed from the band Sketch at Amazon or iTunes or wherever you buy your music.
As always, I will have links to every piece of music and also every book we mentioned, including all of the books in the quiz, on the podcast entry in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast.
Future podcasts will include me talking to people about romance, because that’s how we roll, but if you have ideas or suggestions or feedback or questions or any of the above, or you have something else you want to say, email us at [email protected]. Your email is awesome, and so are you.
So on behalf of all of the ladies at Smart Bitches and myself, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a great weekend, and thank you again for listening.
[extremely peppy music]
This podcast transcript was handcrafted with meticulous skill by Garlic Knitter. Many thanks.
Remember to subscribe to our podcast feed, find us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am probably going to regret posting this, which is why I am posting anonymously, but this podcast was very upsetting to me. I am probably the only one to hear this for whom this will be a trigger, but I feel like I had to share my thoughts with you because I do not think you approve of bullying.
Near the end, you start to discuss the email Sarah received about a business that will send scented wipes to someone who smells. I had to stop listening at that point. I cannot believe that someone thinks a business based on bullying is a good idea, and it was upsetting that you all found it hilarious. I think if it was a business where you could send a fat person a diet book, or a person of color a product that would lighten their skin to make them more socially acceptable the response from you all would have been different. I started explaining why this is a trigger for me, but I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole right now. There is a reason I read romance – the HEA is a balm on my soul.
Please be aware that bullying comes in many forms, and it is not a laughing matter.
@Anonymous:
First, I’m so sorry that this was a trigger, and that you were hurt. I feel terrible, not only that you felt bad but also that our reaction wasn’t clear. Initially, the pitch email for the company was humorous and didn’t really explain HOW the company worked – “Smell like a winner?” WTF does that mean? But when I elaborated and kept clicking on the site and we realized how cruel this was, we were horrified. I’m so sorry that wasn’t clear, and it’s likely due to my editing, and I apologize. We were as aghast as you are. It’s a terribly mean thing to do. Makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. I’d be goofy curious about a set of fragrances that are named “Smell like success,” or whatever, but sending anonymously? Hideous.
So I apologize that our reaction wasn’t clear, and even more that it upset you. I’m very sorry.
God only know what traffic control at Dulles thought of me giggling & circling arrivals for half an hour. Best way to kill time waiting for spouse stuck in customs. I love a good quiz!!
Is live video of your group chats coming in the future?? A special occasion or prize?
Would love to meet you all at my first RT – in a totally non stalkers way.
Keep up the great work! The laughter is good for all of us.
Not true! We have State Troopers in Texas! https://www.dps.texas.gov/trainingacademy/recruiting/requirements/basic.htm But I still found this quiz hi-larious!
What was that podcast (I think Red Headed Girl said) that was mentioned regarding the cozy mystery? Anglophise?
Also, I happened upon Mariana Zapata, I don’t know if it was through one of the Book Deals that happily appear in my email box every day but holy moly I need one of the Bitches to read Lingus. The heroine is a teacher whose best friends drags her to a porn convention and she meets a guy and finds out he’s a porn star. I read it expecting it to be completely ridiculous and maybe eye-roll-inducing, but I was really tickled by the humor and emotional development. I’m off to read more Zapata titles this weekend to see I love them just as much..
@Dee: Anglo-Filles! Here’s a link: http://anglofilles.madeoffail.net/
I really, really needed this laugh today. I had a truly awful day and ya’ll just brightened it with laughter. Thank you.
That quiz was hilarious. Loved this podcast, well done!
It always comes back to Decadent. Can’t wait to listen!
I couldn’t resist going to that “Pungent Love” twitter feed. 🙂 That’s hilarious, and I agree that there’s nothing sexy about the scent of sweat. (This is not meant as anything offensive towards the first comment here, as I’m well aware that some people have medical issues that result in odors they can’t control.)
I enjoyed the quiz, too. Who know there were so many ridiculous series titles? I feel so educated now. 😀
Dying at “Texas Paternity”!!
I wish our vet had something like that to help cover my vet bill my kitty is sick.
For those of you intrigued by the premise of a teacher/porn star romance: the Mariana Zapata book Lingus is free to read to Kindle Unlimited subscribers.
Well I laughed so hard I woke up the toddler, so this one is a winner.
@Wench:
Sorry, toddler!
This was so good that after I listened to it, I came home, waited for the kids to (finally) go to bed, and made my husband listen to it.
So many LOLs. Great job, ladies. Wish I’d had to deliver the tax returns to my client sooner, so I was commenting in a more timely fashion. Loved the Texas series question, but I agree that it was a dirty trick. *tisk, tisk*
Thank you!
Thanks Ladies, you make day!! Office cube life can be soooo boring but you save the day!