Most of today’s covers were found by Sneezy, who certainly plumbed some depths!
Sneezy: The dude looks distressingly like he was long hold selected from another picture and slapped on. …and with the general ambiance of the cover, the publisher’s logo looks like a pair of testies.
Amanda: I think the author font is the same one Alice Clayton used to use?
I feel like he just told that played out “tickets to the gun show” joke.
Sarah: I dislike Wine Mom Font. It looks like he dislikes it too.
Elyse: Poor guy is allergic to that deodorant.
Sneezy: This one gives me so much joy. You, too, can have your very own disco man! Wings sold separately.
Amanda: A more colorful, peacockish version of Edward from Twilight!
Sarah: 9 year old me is VERY envious of those wings and is plotting to find her own right now. Current me is helping.
Sneezy: Lots of things happening, but the main thing I’m distracted by is the random card thing. Is he holding it? Is it floating there and he’s just resting his thumb on it? Will it grow up to be a sentient rectangle eyeball?
Amanda: Oh, that card is full-on photoshopped and because it’s so bright white, that’s all my brain can focus on.
Sarah: Absolutely terrible Photoshop. And Amanda you’re right it’s the only thing to focus on and then I see how it doesn’t line up correctly.
Sarah: So smooth! So very smooth.
Shiny. Shiny and smooth.
Amanda: Anyone else getting Patrick Dempsey vibes?
Sarah: YES. It was BUGGING me. I thought maybe JFK Jr + AI art, but I think the Dempsey vibes are strong too
Sneezy: I really really hate these fonts together, and the chair gives me uncanny valley vibes.
Sarah: Also, I just need to say out loud and loudly that I do not like being stared at like this. It weirds me out. Especially because he looks confused, like he isn’t sure why I’m wearing what I’m wearing (it’s comfortable ok Mr Shiny Smooth??).
Amanda: I will also say that this one isn’t an egregious snark, but wow is it boring.
I thought the title of #3 was Choosing The O, which is always a good choice.
I know the title implies it’s stars, but the “Alien Protector” cover gives the impression that the winged dude was stored in an unsuitably damp environment and has become a little mouldy.
Also, “Viscount in Love” 100% ate the entire pizza and is just so hurt that you’re annoyed with him because he _definitely_ asked you if you wanted any, by text, while you were showering upstairs, and it’s not his fault that you didn’t see the message in time.
Same @Francesca!
Also, I find the fonts on Alien Protector’s Stars incredibly annoying – I swear they are giving me a headache.
I think Theo is showing the tattoo artist the design he wants on that one last bare spot on his right pec.
Considering that I just learned that sentient door erotica exists, shapeshifting disco ball romance cannot be far behind.
I know you said the logo looks like testes, but when I looked back at the cover the w in swoon started to look like poorly drawn testes to me too and now I can’t unsee it.
My first thought to Small Town Swoon was “the gun show coming soon to a small town near you”. He seems pretty proud of those muscles.
The model on the Eloisa James book shows signs of pectus excavatum. Not appealing.
@Francesca and LisaM, same here! And he’s like “Need an O? Here’s my card, call me and I’ll give you a good deal on one.”
Special award to Small Town Swoon because if you include the publisher’s cherries, I do believe it has achieved five fonts.
But seriously, though, I would love to see a special edition devoted to Series Title Snark. This week alone we get
–“Fated Mates of the WINGED BARBARIANS”, oops, make that WINGED BΛRBΛRIΛNS (what vowel-or-at-least-continuant sound is represented by lambda? and similarly the sigma in PROTΣCTOR)
–“The Clecanian Series” (where the heck is Clecania? how is it distinct from, say, a Ruritanian series? in any case, it sounds like a medical condition)
–and finally the comparatively tame “Accidental Brides”.
Awwww come on, the poor guy just wanted some popcorn so he went to the lobby but the floor was all sticky and now he feels a need to shower.
I also saw Choosing the O, and for the Small Town one I saw
shooh / shrooh / swooh / shroon / sweeh …
all before I figured out what the actually title was.
@SusanE, yes! My thought was “what the hell is shoon?” It made me think of an old-fashioned word for shoes? Maybe? (Tangent this isfrom poem I memorized in high school and still know by heart “Slowly silently now the moon walks her night in her silver shoon” etc etc I’ll spare you the rest) then I thought maybe it’s shroom and the bad font was to indicate some type of bad trip? I grew up in a small town and there were a lot of hippies who liked their shrooms, let me tell you.
Maybe the bad trip is why he’s forgotten how to wear a shirt? Dude is struggling.
@Louise, we definitely need Title Snark, Series Snark and possibly Author Penname Snark.
I’m trying to figure out which font I dislike most, and the competition is fierce…
RE: Small Town Swoon: He’s trying for smoldering, but just looks really pissed off which is ruining the vibe.
The second cover guy had his torso covered in glitter body paint.
Choosing Theo: I can’t get past the armpit nightlight and that’s what my eyes keep darting to.
Viscount: No complaints here because I think I keep getting lost in his gaze.
I’m oddly appreciative that the viscount in the James book looks like a pretty normal dude as far as body type; I’m always feeling bad about the eight pack ab guys dehydrating themselves to look so cut and ripped.
Also FYI I haven’t read this one, but Melanie Harlow writes some lovely low-angst contemporaries set in small towns in Michigan (my home state—yay); so even with an iffy cover I’d trust it’s a good read.
Theo, an infomercial “paid endorser” on late-night TV, is holding his tattoo artist’s business card. But it’s the TV-prop version — extra large so it’ll be visible, and extra white just because. The blue tinting on everything else is because it’s late-night TV and they could only afford an apprentice lighting technician and still bring it in under budget.
The first one made me think of Zoolander/Dodge ball. I think that’s 2 words. I just don’t know sports. I can see Ben Stiller making that pose.
I read Choosing Theo on my Paperwhite so I never saw the blinding spotlight under the arm. WOW. So glad I didn’t see that in color.
I feel like I need to read the glitter guy book to see if it’s accurate. That font is horrible.
I also appreciate that the last guy looks normal. Smoother and shinnier than normal but average build. His expression looks like did you really only bring a piece of cake for yourself while I was sitting here. Maybe that’s my guilt.
Wait up… that last guy has got that sunken chest that is a sign of health issues… googles it – yes: Pectus excavatum
I kind of appreciate the series title “Fated Mates of the Winged Barbarians” for being extra (it loses some points for “fated mates” being a trope name but I can mute my knowledge of that to appreciate the title).
I’m too blinded from Choosing Theo’s JJ Abrams lens flare coming out of his armpit that I can’t see anything else!
Gun Show guy looks like if the pro wrestlers Fandango and Adam Cole had a baby. I’m going to need to show this to my husband and see if he agrees lol
I think the calling card is for the alien doctor he’s going to try to see about the BRILLIANT LIGHT coming from his armpit.
It is just full of the worst possible design choices.