Before we begin the recap, some sad news.
It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that last week Lady Pudding, Duchess of Smackington, painlessly departed for a better place.
I like to think of her in the south of France, with a scandalously younger gentleman.
Pudding was almost 18, had the softest forehead for kissing, and my whole body hurts with missing her. She taught me to love fiercely, maintain my boundaries, and do a little murder once in awhile, as a treat.
She’ll always be the queen of my heart.
It feels appropriate that she noped out before the final episode as she wasn’t going to deal with anyone’s nonsense any longer than she had to.
And now, tearfully, on with the recap.
This is “live” so we open in a studio in LA. Jesse tells us it’s a 3 hour finale and I start laughing because of course Pudding left before this.
We jump back to Fiji where Aaron recently showed up asking for a second chance. Charity says you can’t just turn off how you feel about someone but she’s “in love with Joey” and “very much in love with Dotun.”
Aaron says he still sees Charity as his wife and the mother of his children.
Or at least that’s what I think he says because the sound is way off and we can’t hear them very well over the sound of the tide.
Charity asks him to stay for dinner and they kiss. She says she recognizes the effort he took to get there and…ABC put him on a plane, girl. He didn’t do shit.
So then, for reasons that make no sense, they decide to do another rose ceremony.
We had Joey and Dotun left, and the format of the show is that they meet Charity’s family, then both propose and Charity accepts one proposal. Now they’re adding another ceremony because Aaron is back.
What is the point of that?
Then Charity explains Aaron is going to be taking the place of Xavier.
Anyone else think they put Aaron on a plane to drag this episode out even more?
So Joey and Dotun show up to the rose ceremony and are very confused as to why Aaron is there and not Xavier. Also it must be super hot because they’re all really sweaty.
Charity gives roses to Joey and Dotun, meaning THERE WAS NO POINT TO ANY OF THIS.
We cut back to the studio where Jesse talks to Aaron because they’re required to relive their embarrassment and rejection in front of a studio audience. Then Jesse says that a member of the studio audience will be going on the next season of The Bachelor, but even that person doesn’t know that!
So they’re just going to ambush some poor woman? I hope it’s someone picked totally at random, like a really mean grandma who is just going to give the Bachelor hell.
We go back to Fiji where Charity’s parents and sister are waiting. She tells them she’s in love with both Joey and Dotun.
Vickie, Charity’s mom, says her daughter can be indecisive.
Joey shows up with a ubiquitous bouquet of flowers. He says he’s nervous. “I’m viewing it as the only thing I can do is mess it up,” he says.
Way to stay positive, champ.
Despite his anxiety, Joey impresses her family.
Cut back to LA. Jesse reminds us that one woman in the audience is going to be on The Bachelor and doesn’t know it. I wonder if off camera these ladies are just slowly sneaking out the emergency exit like “oh FUCK no.”
Honestly, it comes across like a threat. “One of youuuuu willl date…The Bachelor!” Cue screams of horror.
The Rose God is cruel.
Back in Fiji, a day has passed and Dotun is meeting Charity’s family.
Dotun is nervous and talks really fast. He says he put a wife and kids on the backburner for work, but Charity makes him want to settle down.
Vickie likes Joey better than Dotun, which upsets Charity.
“At this point I’m literally a car stuck in mud. My wheels are turning,” Charity says. She basically wants her mom to pick for her, and Vickie won’t do it. They get into an off camera argument about it.
I think if you’re mad your mom won’t pick your fiancé, you aren’t ready for a marriage.
I also think that Joey was more relaxed and casual with Charity’s family, whereas Dotun approached it more formally and it came across as stiff.
Back in LA, Jesse continues to terrify the studio audience by reminding them they are captive and one of them will be forced on this nonsense show. Somewhere the Rose God is smiling.
We get a promo for Bachelor in Paradise where they reveal a contestant has a serious medical emergency…she hasn’t pooped in 9 days. They discuss having to deliver a poo baby. Cue laugh track.
Also, while they’re laughing at “poopy,” bowel obstructions are really serious and can kill you.
There are two final dates with Joey and Dotun, but they’re boring.
Also… I think they keep cutting to Peter Weber’s parents in the audience? Why are they there?
After being absent for a season, Neil Lane shows up to help each of the guys pick a ring.
Joey shows up first, so we know she’s going to turn down his proposal. The studio audience “ohhhh’s.”
Joey proposes. There are a lot of words. Charity has a lot of words too, amid tears, and she tells him no.
After many seasons of this show, I still don’t get the format. Imagine crying really hard rejecting one potential fiancé, just to fix up your face and accept a marriage proposal like fifteen minutes later. Don’t people need time to process?
In the Limo of Tears, Joey says he had “zero doubts” they would have a life together.
Back to the hostage situation in LA, Joey is with Jesse and a room full of fearful women. Except Peter Weber’s mom, Barbara. She’s not fearful. Barbara would set a Bachelor straight, for sure. Do not fuck with Barbara.
They bring Charity out. He thanks her for getting him to the place where he was ready for an engagement.
Charity and Joey say they aren’t in love, but still have love for each other, and unless you’ve been on the show you wouldn’t understand their relationship.
I don’t know. I don’t think there’s a lot emotional complexity on this show.
Back in Fiji, eyes still red from crying, Charity waits for Dotun.
This is so messed up.
In the limo, Dotun looks at the engagement ring like he just found it on the floor or something.
Anyway, they get engaged.
Yippee.
“We made it! We did it!” Charity chants.
“You didn’t summit Everest, you got engaged on television,” my husband sighs grumpily.
But it’s not over yet. Some member of the studio audience still has to be sacrificed on the altar of the Rose God.
Back in LA, Jesse interviews Charity and Dotun. They seem genuinely happy together.
We learn Charity will be on Dancing with the Stars, which I honestly didn’t know was even still on, honestly.
Finally, finally with fear filling the LA studio, Jesse reveals Joey will be the next Bachelor (shocking, I know) and the victim in the audience is revealed…
Leia, a native Hawaiian, is chosen. Her family weeps. She faces her fate bravely. We have about six months to plot her rescue.
And that’s it. Did you watch?
Ed. note: A donation to the Pawfee Shop and the Safe Haven Cat Sanctuary has been made in honor of Lady Pudding, Duchess of Smackington, and of Elyse and Rich, who have her a wonderful loving home in which to recline in felonious retirement. She will always be the Final Rose.
Long live Lady Pudding in our hearts! I’m sure she is torturing the Rose God even now. Thinking about you, Elyse! <3<3<3
Elyse, I’m so sorry to hear about Pudding. May she be resting in a soft cozy spot with lots of colorful yarn and I hope memories of her make you smile and bring you comfort with time.
May Lady Pudding reign eternal among the bins of yarn as The Final Rose! My heart goes out to you; Pudding led a wonderful and full life and it was delightful to see her with every Bachelor/ette review
Deepest sympathy for the loss of Lady Pudding. Any creature who made this dumpster fire of a show palatable has definitely earned a warm and cozy place in the afterlife.
Oh, I’m so sorry about Lady Pudding. We will miss her adorable face and utter disdain for all things stupid.
Oh, poor Elise. I feel your loss. I lost my 16 tabby two weeks ago, and there’s a huge hole where he was. But they will always live in our hearts.
Goodbye to Lady Pudding, who reminded me of my very first cat. ♥️
Condolences to Elyse, and to us all. Lady Pudding will be missed!
I’m so sorry to hear about Pudding. She was a special girl, thank you for sharing her with us.
Adding my sincere condolences and echoing @lisa above to thank you for sharing her with us.
I’m very sorry to hear about Lady Pudding. Her commentary will be missed.
Farewell, Lady Pudding. I will miss her lovely face. Hugs to you and your family, Elyse.
I’m so sorry for the loss of Pudding. She was a beautiful Siamese with entertaining levels of Catitude. And thank you to Elyse for giving an older cat a loving home for the last few years of her life.
Oh Elyse, I’m so sorry about Pudding. She definitely enjoyed her final years with you. We said goodbye to our 19-year-old cat last month. I’m still expecting him to meow at me when I walk down the stairs.
Elyse, thank you for making Pudding’s last years full of love. I will miss your wonderful updates about her.
Elyse, Rich and your household- thank you for allowing us to share in Lady Pudding’s last, best years. I’m not a huge cat person nor a watcher of the Bachelor/ette Universe, but I unfailingly tuned into this column every week to read Elyse and Pudding’s commentary (with special asides from Rich) and adore the pix of Pudding (long live Barbie Pudding). Lady Pudding, Dowager Duchess of Fosterfailia – may her memory be a blessing.
I shall miss Lady Pudding’s scathing commentary, I’m sure she’s looking down on it all with disdain from her throne atop the rainbow bridge. She was so loved by you all and the internet alike.
Sending your family love and support!
Elyse, I am so very sorry about Lady Pudding. That totally sucks. She was quite obviously the best, most wonderful cat ever. I was just making my husband look at pictures of her.
Nothing hurts more than losing a member of the family. Deepest condolences to you and your family. What a beautiful gift you gave Lady Pudding — the gift of a loving, cozy, cosseted and long life. I hope that brings you some small comfort. xoxo
Oh Elyse I am so sorry. Lady Pudding was such a wonderful cat and I enjoyed every update of her that you shared with us. Thank you for letting us be a part of her life.
Oh Elyse, I’m so sorry. I loved all of the Lady Pudding updates.
(Side note about the bitchery’s excellent sense of priorities. I love that all of the comments are about Pudding and none are about this ridiculous show)
I’m so sorry, Elyse. Lady Pudding is a treasure forever. My condolences to you and your family.
@Elyse, my sympathies on the death of Lady Pudding.
May Lady Pudding enjoy the eternal sunshine. I’m sorry for your loss.
You have my sincere sympathies on the death of Lady Pudding. We lost our boy 13 months ago, and it still hurts.
Pudding was a lucky lady to spend her final years with you. And we were especially fortunate to have you share her with us. Thank you, Elise. May Pudding rule the afterlife as she so deserves.
I’m so sorry, Elyse. Lady Pudding was lovely, and enjoyed her retirement in luxury showered with the love she deserved. I’ll miss her contributions.
@Sandra and @Elizabeth-C, condolences to you both as well.
Elyse, I am so sorry to hear about Lady Pudding. Thank you for sharing her with us over the years.
Pudding was lucky to reign over your household, Elyse. I’m so sorry to hear that she’s gone.
So sorry to hear about the passing of wonderful Lady Pudding. I read these posts just for her. My sympathy for your loss.
I’m so sorry to learn about Lady Puddington’s departure. No matter how many wonderful years they have, it’s never enough. Love to you and Rich and your household, Elyse,
So sorry about your loss of lovely Pudding. It’s so hard when such a presence in the house and on your lap goes. Thank you also to those who have shared their cat losses in these columns. Thinking of you all. When my cat died I was comforted by others’ comments on Ravelry, in the Rainbow Bridge thread in the My Knitting Has Cat Hair In It forum.
So, so sorry about Lady Pudding. Sounds like she had the best life with you. Cats are such wonderful companions. We have a 16.5 year old that we are hoping stays with us a little longer. Bless her memory.
My condolences on the loss of Madame Pudding. She was the best part of these recaps and will be sorely missed.
My heartfelt sympathies for the loss of Lady Pudding. Her well-honed attitude of disdain for the ridiculous and her steadfast refusal to suffer fools lightly were lessons for us all. I am certain she will reign supreme in her in her realm over the Rainbow Bridge.
Elyse, I’m so sorry to hear about Pudding. She was delightful just in pictures – I’m sure she was many times moreso in person. It’s hard losing our senior kitties (I lost my 16 year-old house panther in May), but they are definitely worth loving. The pain we feel at losing them is evidence of how wonderful they are.
Condolences on the loss of the wonderful Lady Pudding. I gave up on the Bachelor/ette a while back but tuned in with pleasure to read Pudding’s sceptical and penetrating, nay, scathing remarks. She will be remembered with great affection and sorely missed.
So very sorry for your loss of Lady P. Our pets hold a special place in our hearts and souls. Thank you for sharing her with us.
I’m so sorry to hear about Lady Pudding! She was an utter delight in these recaps and she was clearly very loved. Many many hugs to Elyse and Rich.
Lady Pudding was a gift you shared with all of us who met her through your recaps. She was so much more intelligent, sensible and and innately beautiful than anyone on that silly show. She will be missed.