It’s Monday morning and time for some Cover Snark!
From Rebecca: For your consideration for cover snarkiness because the title hurts my brain.
Sarah: Sir, I am just as confused as you are.
Elyse: WTF is happening with his armpit?
Also it sounds like the baby she’s carrying is her roommate’s dad so is this a time travel issue?
Sarah: Wait, maybe the cover model is pregnant with their roommate’s dad?
That’s going to be a complicated gestation.
Elyse: He’s carrying the baby in his weird arm lump
Sarah: Unless this is an alien romance and the person who is pregnant is gestating another person’s parent?
AJ: This is why you don’t drink and drive a time machine, folks.
From Naomi: I know the Bitches will Have Opinions about this cover!
Sarah: Who is Desive? And why does Desive slap? Seems uncalled for.
It’s just gold leaf. Calm down Desive.
Tara: I feel like I’ve seen a face version of this on Glow Up.
Elyse: I thought it said Derisive Slaps.
Sarah: Decisive?
Decisive slaps!
Claudia: Well, regardless, the gold leaf most definitely does not slap.
Amanda: He looks like me after I tuck into a croissant.
Carrie: This is what happens when people discover glitter for the first time.
From Tracy: This cover is wild AF but it 100% gets the point across. Maybe too accurate? Peep that horny dick spaceship tho. (Unrelated but this is the first time I’ve seen female on male anal fisting in a book, but that’s not on the cover for some reason…)
Sarah: None words. Unable to word. None.
Elyse: Why the ears ?
Shana: Just in time for Easter, Bunny Aliens!
Claudia: We can appreciate the pastel colors…I guess?
Kiki: I’m now realizing just how long it’s been since I had Peeps…
Elyse: If we microwave them will they expand?
Sneezy: No.
They’ll take up too much space.
AJ: Welp, looks like I’m going to have to read that Easter bunny book.
I cannot resist the crazy sauce.
The heroine’s name is Ch’ik. Chick. We’re starting strong.
Amanda: It says book two and yes, there is underboob on every other cover in the series. At least it’s consistent.
Carrie: Look, we all know that all that exposed area is dangerous, but can we take a moment to discuss the hazards of chafing? Cause that can’t be comfortable!
Amanda: The thought of chainmail rubbing against my nips 24/7 is a big ol’ nope for me. Dr. Nips would be on speed dial
Carrie: I hurt just looking at this.
Sarah: This is what endometriosis feels like.
Elyse: I love how the armor just exposes her most vulnerable areas.
Sneezy: Plus her hair must be all caught and snagged in the chainmail.
AJ, please report back more details on the pastel aliens book. For science.
Sadly, I read this before my first cup of coffee. I have learned my lesson. No more SBTB before coffee!
Roomates, dads, babies…I’m so confused.
Is that Desive or Degive? Because I kinda don’t de-Give a darn. And dude needs some serious antibiotic cream. Or is he a Chia Pet? And somebody missed a spot. Just sayin’…
Uhm…Peeps will never taste quit the same again. I can’t…I can’t even…
Ouch, ouch, ouch. Even with all the stuff that goes UNDER chain mail, it rubs. Yes, I’ve worn mail AND armor. I took one look and immediately thought of the Gor books.
Desive’s weird potato book is looking at me funny and I don’t like it.
Roommate’s Dad doesn’t look old enough to have sired anyone of college age.
Chainmail lady: I suspect there would be pinching as well as chafing. Discomfort all round!
Then there’s the bunny book… I feel like I need to read this now, so it’s definitely done its job. Ch’ik. The apostrophe is how you know its alien poultry. It might also be on the same wavelength as my Easter cactus which has chosen autumn as its current flowering season. Awesome sense of timing, cactus & book. Awesome.
I wish I could edit posts sometimes, because ‘book’ in the first line of my comment is meant to be ‘boob’.
I’m sure the authors are very nice people, but let’s leave the Easter Peeps erotica to Chuck Tingle, shall we?
My eyes saw “reflexive clause” then “reflective case” and my brain is no longer certain of anything. These covers are all worthy of snark.
The ONLY reason I and my teen look forward to Mondays is because of Cover Snark. Thank you for your service, Bitches.
I really need AJ to do a chapter by chapter recap-like post about the SpacePeeps book. Pretty, pretty please?
Well, I haz to read that Planet Oster book, so I can translate it into a glorious adults only Peeps Diorama. The creative juices are flowing now.
Also, thanks to The Reflective Clause for the wonderful interpretation of Cohen’s Joan of Arc:
Now the flames they followed Sloan of Ark
As she came riding through the dark
No bra to keep her boob’s upright
No shirt to get her through this
Very smoky night
She said, “I’m tired of the war
I want the kind of work I had before
With a bustier or something tight
To keep the bosom’s heaving in plain sight.
Desive slapped the gold leaf right off that one manboob.
@PamG good show! Should it be “As she came riding through the snark”?
I went to the Ren faire this weekend and there was a women wearing blue hot pants with a wonder woman chainmail bikini top that was basically epaulettes and breast coverage, her back was bare. She rocked it, but all I could think was, sooo much chafing.
Shocked to find out that I slap! XD
Desire Slaps gold on ya! That’s a waste of gold foil.
Chain mail ouch, ouch, ouch.
I’m sorry, but when I think of Oster, I think of kitchen appliances. Are the Peeps going through the blender? Is that the Fusion part?
I have read the Hot Peep Bunnies book, because that cover was just wild enough to drag me in. Let me tell you, I was impressed with it solely for the sheer volume of Easter related puns and references, and it was a half decent story too.
In case someone hasn’t mentioned it, Planet Oster with the Pasel Bunnymen is probably celebrating Ostera, the pagan version of Easter, season of fertility.
I admire the Easter Aliens cover for not pulling its punches. I too would read an in-depth review of it. I would even print that cover out poster-sized and hang it on the wall; Happy Easter y’all
Honestly the pastel bunny aliens book overshadows so much I forgot all about being your own (roommate’s) grandfather for a minute, but Desive’s Sideboob emerging from the glitter-swamp to slap you is a true WTF. I can’t even be sure that’s a sideboob, the whole thing reads as a human form only so much as a pile of laundry sometimes does. Why does one arm appear to be spindly and tacked on sideways? As for the last one, I’m mesmerized–did the cover designers hear people complaining about cleavage-fitting boob armor and say “Yeah, I know exactly what will fix this!” She’s got circa-2004 straightened emo hair and a low-rise chainmail skirt, and that sword is definitely digging into her shoulders even if it’s not cutting her yet. And then the piece de resistance, the loose draped chainmail croptop hoodie designed specifically for underboob. Obviously not practical or historically accurate, but it doesn’t even read as ‘sexy’ to me–but it’s gotta be someone’s type, right? Feels like a joke about Lady Knight’s first day on the job and forgetting part of the uniform.
Desire Slaps.
Love Bites.
Infatuation Pinches.
Devotion Suckerpunches.
Passion Kicks.
Adoration Elbows.
Lust Ticklefights.
————————
Also, that’s the worst chain mail ever. If you run out of time before finishing your chainmail, just leave it at home. That’s both heavy and non-protective. And it will make it hard for you to turn your head. Chain mail that slows you down and limits your visibility is not doing its job. At least chain mail bikinis are light(ish)
Pregnant with my Roommate’s Dad: Ooh, ooh, I know this one. Zaphod Beeblebrox’s father was Zaphod Beeblebrox II, his father was Zaphod Beeblebrox III, and so on. There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine.
De Illegible Squiggle Slaps: Funny, in my case–as with @SilverJ–it was the s-masquerading-as-a-g that I had trouble with. And it all looks like the aftermath of that scene in Game of Thrones involving “a crown of gold” and a shiny metal that can be melted over a wood fire. Maybe, like gallium, it melts at 85.5°F and is perfectly comfortable as it drips down your torso.
Planet Oster: When I was growing up, every kitchen had an Oster. But if this is a series, which part is the series title? Does Planet Blender have a series of improbably named events along the lines of Aviation Accident, Brewery Bomb, Charity Collection and so on?
The Reflective Cause: Clearly this week’s theme is Words Are Hard. And aren’t there better ways to give yourself a haircut?
Does Planet Oster reminds anyone of Earth Girls Are Easy?
Ch’ik sounds like a bad vegetarian meat substitute. “Tastes like chik’n!”
Does the phrase “NY Times and USAT bestselling author” actually mean anything? Because I see it all the time on the covers of books whose readership must be in double digits…
@Julia: Buying into a 20-books-for-99-cents scheme that invests thousands in an advertising blast specifically for the purpose of collecting that “credential” for the authors involved is a big thing. When the label seems eyebrow-raising, it’s often indicative of the popularity of a bargain rather than the popularity of an author.
Julia: I’m told that sometimes, an anthology comes out with short stories by many different authors. It’s sold super-cheap as an ebook, and that way it makes the bestseller list for one week. Thus, all the authors can honestly claim that, very technically, they’re bestselling authors.
I don’t know if this is true, but it’s what I heard.
That last book reminds me of a series on YouTube done by Jill Bearup – her Armour Tier list (she is British so there is a U in armor). I highly recommend checking it out!
@Julia, I thought SBTB once did a deep dive into the mechanics of gaming the USAT lists, but can’t find it. Googling returns a whole slew of links on how to earn that label, some more legit than others, but all involving a lot of effort for what may be a minimal career boost. I know I tend to disregard it, just because it is so ubiquitous. To me, it’s the publishing equivalent of “as seen on TV”.
The title of the one book is: Desire Slaps
I still have the Oster blender from my bridal shower 30 years ago. It still works.
Some time ago, I saw a video of a couple of men getting their armor – all the important bits covered. Then a woman comes in and gets the metal bikini and the armorer explains that the light reflecting from it will distract any opponents from actually hitting her in her stomach, chest, etc., that are uncovered. I don’t remember all of it, but I do remember the two men ending up with a male equivalent of the metal bikini.
I don’t know if it’s just because I work at a shellfish hatchery, but I read that as “oyster”….and then was disappointed.
Snark galore! I confess that I am surprised that there are no superfluous (reflective or reflexive) metal arm braces or cuffs on the warrior princess on the last cover, who must be wreathed in some kind of protective mage fire to account for the lack of chipped nail polish on the fingernails that are visible on her sword hand (the tiny round shield is obscuring what must certainly be the immaculate manicure on her left hand).
Ahahaha, the Oster cover also made me think PEEPS IN A BLENDER!
So for the third cover, two comments
1) Never has the term Manbun been so literal.
2) You can actually get Peeps to expand, but you need a science class old-timey glass dome with a vacuum. Twinkies are also great fun to observe in low-pressure environments.