It’s a new year and with that comes a new season of The Bachelor. If you’re new to my recaps, please understand that I have exactly zero faith in the show’s ability to produce true love between its contestants.
No, I watch The Bachelor under the premise that the last thing any of the contestants want to do is actually win.
So why go on the show?
Think about it: you get to live in a mansion with a bunch of other cool women, drink an unlimited supply of alcohol, and travel the world on ABC’s dime. Shit, I’d go on The Bachelor and I’m married. I’d just walk around the whole time with two bottles of wine, one for drinking and another tucked protectively in the crook of my arm like a little baby. I’d do all the fun adventures and sight seeing and any time I maybe had to spend alone with the Bachelor, I’d just say I needed to go have diarrhea. No one questions diarrhea.
I watch this show solely though the lens that no one actually cares about the Bachelor himself, the women are all having the best sleepover ever, and Chris Harrison is possessed by a Lovecraftian creature known as The Rose God.
For those of you who have been following these recaps, you know that I am occasionally assisted by my husband, Rich, and our cats Dewey and Fish. Let me introduce you to the newest member of Team Bachelor: Chips.
This season’s Bachelor is Peter Weber, who if you remember, had sex with Hannah (last season’s Bachelorette) four times in a windmill. If you want to get black out drunk, take a shot every time they mention the windmill. Personally, I’ll be slamming some neon blue cold and flu meds half an hour from the end of this mess.
We open with Peter and Chris Harrison driving through LA and talking about Peter’s dream woman. It’s completely natural and not even a little weird…not. Honestly the conversations I have with my OBGYN during my pap are less awkward than this.
Peter is a commercial pilot, but ABC is doing this kind of Top Gun thing in their video montages of him.
Anyway, tonight is the parade of limos, when the women show up to the McMansion and try and make a good impression on Peter. They start filming at sundown and go straight through till dawn, at which point everyone seems drunk and exhausted. One season, Corinne basically said “fuck this” and just went to bed and I’ve never cheered for anyone harder.
BTW, Peter keeps saying “I’m looking for my copilot,” which…
So anyway, there’s a bunch of awkward first meetings, and I’m not going to recap them all because most of them are super forgettable.
We have three flight attendants: Eunice, Megan and Jade.
Then a baggage attendant rolls a cart up to the mansion and one of the suitcases starts moving. It is not a large suitcase. Peter unzips the suitcase and a woman, Kiarra, unfolds herself and stands up. It’s hard to describe how unnatural this is. It’s like when people crawl around in horror movies with their limbs bent backwards.
Also, also, did they have a plan for her to breathe if filming got delayed? Jesus.
Even Chris Harrison mutters, “That’s like some David Copperfield shit.”
He then adds, “We should cut her in half later.”
WELL OKAY.
Then we have Deandra who actually dresses up like the windmill.
Then we meet Kelley, who Peter met previously at a hotel. She was at a wedding and he was there for a reunion.
Then a limo pulls up and Hannah Brown steps out.
“Is she competing?” One of the women asks. “Is that legal?”
Having extensively studied Bachelor Law, I can tell you that yes, it is legal.
Hannah returns a pin Peter gave her during her season. She says he’s going to do great and gives him a hug.
Then Peter joins the party and spends some time with the women, and a lot of it is boring.
One of the women, Hannah Ann, is super drunk to the point where she’s slurring her words and referring to herself in the third person. She also painted Peter a landscape and the flowers all look like vulvas. I love it. I want to hang it over my desk at work so the vulvas stare down anyone who comes over to ask me a question.
Sometimes I like to imagine what I’d do if I was on this show. There’s like three fireplaces burning in the McMansion, and I guarantee drunk Bachelor contestant Elyse would get bored and start burning shit. When you grow up in a rural area where bonfires are a big part of being a teenager, “burning shit” is an actual activity, if not a hobby, and if it were my friends and I, I could see us trying to wedge some of the patio furniture into the outdoor fireplace while cheering. Some of my most fond teenage memories include the words, “What color will this make the flames?” Hashtag Wisconsin.
At one point Hannah Ann interrupts Peter with another contestant and tells Peter she wants to end the night with a kiss, except it sounds like GIFS and Peter is suitably confused. Hannah Ann has now interrupted another contestant three times, and it’s pissing the other women off.
We get the first exhausted, drunk tears of the evening when Peter admits that he forgot what Victoria F said to him when she first arrived. The other women comfort Victoria F. In Peter’s defense, there are three Victorias on this season and I’m confused too.
Peter picks up the First Impression Rose and gives it to Hannah Ann.
Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Victoria F slams an entire glass of wine without stopping to breathe. You drink ABC’s liquor, girl.
Tammy says, “If I get a rose, I’m going to be so friggin happy. I’m going to do cartwheels, I’m going to twerk, and I’m going to eat all the cheese that I friggin can eat.”
I’m Team Tammy.
I actually pause the show to get up and make myself crackers and cheese.
In the end Victoria F could have saved her tears because she gets a rose. Weirdly, Chris Harrison did not show up to tell us we were down to the final rose, making me wonder if the power of the Rose God has diminished?
We go to commercial and then we get this incredibly stupid montage of Peter washing an airplane while shirtless. Why is it stupid, you ask? Isn’t there an allotted amount of shirtless Bachelor time in this franchise?
It’s stupid because Peter, unlike previous Bachelors, is not especially hunky or frankly comfortable in a beefcake type shot. He’s hot but an earnest puppy-dog type, which is completely fine. But rather than recognizing this, the producers make him aim the hose at himself, which he dutifully does, and make him open his mouth “erotically.”
The thing is, there’s this moment where Peter’s eyes bulge and you can tell the water just went directly up his nose and into his sinuses, and it reminds me of when our Boston Terrier would attack the sprinkler. It’s just panicked rolling eyes, water, and regret everywhere.
Anyway, it’s time for the first group date. Some of ladies arrive at an airfield where the first female Blue Angels pilot, Captain Katie Higgins Cook, and Marine Corp Pilot Alisha Johnson put the women through “flight school.”
They put the women on a gyroscope and Victoria P recounts the traumatic moment when she threw up on the teacup ride at Disney as a kid. Because they’re ridiculous, ABC shows a blurred shot of the teacup ride over menacing music, like it’s a Dateline Weekend Mystery reenactment, and I cackle so hard I scare the cats.
Can Keith Morrison replace Chris Harrison? Please?
ANYWAY.
Victoria P makes it through a brief ride and then immediately runs to the bathroom to throw up.
Then there’s an obstacle course, but I’ll be honest, I’m not paying a ton of attention at this point because I’m super into my crackers and cheese. These are brand new, fresh out of the cellophane, buttery-crispy crackers. I’ve paired them with a local port wine cheese. I like to think Tammy would be proud.
In the end, Kelley wins a sunset flight with Peter along the coast. She also gets the group date rose.
We cut to the McMansion where all the women are in their jammies, cuddled up together on the sofas, hanging out. They look relaxed and happy and like this is the best slumber party ever. Then they get a note telling Madison that the next one-on-one date is hers.
Peter is from SoCal and takes Madison to his parents’ house where they are renewing their vows.
WHAT THE FUCK PETER.
That’s… that’s a lot of pressure for a first date. I don’t do great at events with my own family. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom. If I were Madison I’d nope the fuck outta there. I’d be scaling the fence and making my way back to the McMansion on foot.
Madison survives the horror of her first date basically being Peter’s parents’ wedding, but then has to endure the pain of a dinner where they don’t eat and a pop up concert by a band I’ve never heard of.
Frankly she deserves to spend the rest of the season with Tammy eating cheese in her PJs. That was the most shit date in the history of this dumb show.
Chips expresses his dismay by trying to eat plastic wrapping out of the trash.
And we’re not even done, folks.
We have 20 minutes left. Time does not exist normally in The Rose God’s dimension.
There’s another group date. A bunch of the ladies go to a theatre where Hannah Brown is waiting.
She starts telling the women the story of their night in the windmill. I am…deeply confused about what’s happening. Hannah tells the women they are going to tell a story about sex onstage to an audience. Then she goes to a side room and cries.
Did I take the neon blue cold medicine early? Is this a decongestant fueled hallucination?
Peter goes to talk to Hannah and gives her a hug while she cries.
“This is so weird,” he says.
YOU FUCKING THINK?
“I’m really happy for you,” Hannah says, “but it’s just a lot.”
If you didn’t watch The Bachelorette last season, Hannah and Peter had great chemistry (hence 4 times in the windmill), but she picked Dog Food Jingle Jed who promptly cheated on her.
Hannah says she didn’t know what she was doing when she let Peter go. Peter admits he’s confused too, and then abruptly stands up and says, “What the fuck am I doing right now? I don’t know what I’m doing.”
So then Peter asks her to come on the show as a contestant.
Hannah and Peter keep going back and forth about whether or not they still have feelings for each other. Peter admits to the camera that he just wants to kiss her and have it all work out, but that he feels like a jerk because there’s a house full of women competing on the show. Guess what Peter? No one actually cares about you. Let them enjoy the booze and travel and they’ll be just fine.
And that’s where we leave it.
Is Hannah B coming back on the show? Will she and Peter just run off together? Are you watching?
Thank you! I’m so excited you are doing this again.
So you wrote that “I cackle so hard I scare the cats”, and then several times during your review *I* cackled so hard I scared the cats. It’s spreading…
Thanks for again taking one for the Bitchery team, Elyse.
I’m baffled by anyone agreeing to do this shit once let alone go back for seconds! Still luxury hotel on a major companies budget (room service!!!).
Also Hannah is an older version of Ann so her name is Ann Ann?
Aww, Chips is adorable! Every Bachelor post should include Chips reaction shots!
Thank you. I would never watch this show, but I will always read your recaps.
Welcome to the horror, Chips!
The previews for the show had my happy meter dancing all over the place at the prospect of your recaps, Elyse. You deliver as always and I’m here for the cheese and crackers. Trader Joe’s Toscano with Black Pepper should get a regular workout. Thank you!
@Darlynne, I had the same reaction to those previews. These recaps are like the last minute Christmas present–the one that’s been sitting behind the tree for a week and a half, waiting to be opened.
Ah, the glory and the power that is Elyse watching the Bachelor.
My soul fills once more.
All hail the Rose God.
Elyse, thank you for your service.
I am pretty sure the show is just a comedy/soap opera mashup that I am eternally grateful I am not required to watch. All praise to Elyse for the insightful and endlessly amusing recaps. I hop the network has insurance that will fund therapy for the contestants for years to come.
And more Chips reaction shots, please! There is no such thing as enough cat pictures!
Kit – Apparently the contract to be on the show at all keeps you eligible as a contestant for at least a year afterwards, hence how we’ve gotten Bachelors who had been on Bachelorette more than once before getting their round. (The one I remember offhand is Nick Viall.) So I guess it’s possible someone signs on once without realizing what they’re getting into and ends up forever bound to the Rose God. Though the details of the contracts are apparently getting more widely-known, so I think it’s less likely.
(Really, though, the dealbreaker for me would be the enforced lack of contact with the outside world and limited entertainment. At least tell me they’re allowed to read on the plane!)
Do not drink every time Pete says his “wife” is in the room. You may end up with alcohol poisoning, but you’ll go down laughing.
(I recapped this for another site and I think my soul is still hovering outside of my body, judging me and my brain cells).
(also I think Tammy’s my fave too)
(The Teacup bit was so ridiculous my editor and I were in hysterics over it).
[…] The Bachelor–S24 E1: Pilot Pete – You drink ABC’s liquor, girl. Tammy says, “If I get a rose. […]
Yesssss! I needed your hilarious review today
I love your recaps, Elyse! Thank you for doing them.
“The look Madison gives Peter” this gif made my day
OH MY GOD, FISH AND CHIPS! I died.
Thank God you are doing these again. I live for your recaps. Bless you for sitting through this mess for all of us!
I’m always so excited when they announce a new season even though I have zero intention of watching! Thank you Elyse!!
I’m so glad that you’re back to grace our Tuesdays! Do we get the story on Chips?
[…] The Bachelor–S24 E1: Pilot Pete – This season’s Bachelor is Peter Weber, who if you remember, had sex with Hannah (last season’s Bachelorette. […]
@Jill Chips is basically a foster fail. He and his two siblings were bottle babies we helped feed over summer. Then he went to a rescue. After his siblings were adopted he wasn’t doing great. He was noticeably sad, one of the other cats was bullying him and he had a little cold. We took him back for a long weekend to give him a break and some TLC.
He bonded immediately with our cat Fisher. They are best buds, and we couldn’t separate them when they were so happy together. So he’s here to stay.
Yay! I was afraid you were gonna give up on us this season (not that I’d blame you ;). I saw the promo of Hanna with mascara all down her face so I knew we were gonna get a “Rose God/Lovecraft surprise”. Look forward to your further recaps.
I know I’m late to the thread, but did anyone hear the “This American Life” segment (episode 681) where they interview Colton about the fence jump? Supposedly he’d been playing the producers to keep Cassie around, and he thinks the producers were trying to convince Cassie to quit when she wanted to leave the show. Then he gives some behind-the-scenes information about what happened after the jump.
It was a really interesting listen and a lot different than the perspective here. Elyse I would love to hear what you think about it.
Yes, thanks! I would never watch the show but love reading the recaps.
I would think waterproof mascara would be a requirement on this show.
Chips is so cute! I’m glad for the recap because I felt like I missed something.
Yeah, I’m watching even though some of those girls were really silly.
I like Madison and Victoria P (she’s the nurse, right?)
Okay time to get my laundry out of the dryer.
Thank you, Elyse! Saw the previews and hoped you would take this on again! So funny!
Chips!!!!
Also, I got some nighttime cold and flu caplets that are shiny metallic green, and it’s so disturbing, like swallowing a beetle or a press on nail.
IT’S THE NEW SEASON OF ELYSE WATCHES THE BACHELOR, AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!
Elyse, you give me life.
Thank you, as always, for your service.
I saw on a news site that The Bachelor had started again and came straight here. You did not disappoint!!!
Thank you for watching this muck and for recapping your reactions hilariously. And I love that you took Chips back – rescue cats for the win!
Foster fails are the best! We’ve got four. (Only intended 2 permanent and 2 foster, so no more than like 3 full-size cats at once, but the last pair went into medical crisis the week after I got them, spent the next year in and out of surgeries, and are now special needs. Oh and one needed laser eye surgery for melanoma of the iris! At year 3 we officially gave up and adopted them. Thankfully after the most expensive medical stuff was done. It means we’re out of the fostering business, though, because 4 cats is already 1 too many for our space.
Thank you for the recaps! I could never sit through the show, but my best friend watches it with her family and we can talk about the highlights together. You are doing the Rose Lord’s work.