If you needed some Cover Snark today, we have your back!
Sneezy: Where did his hands go? Did his pecs eat them?
And has anyone held a baby like that? It doesn’t look comfortable for either party?????
Amanda: no thank you on all fronts
Tara: Someone got paid to Photoshop a baby on a bodybuilding flex?
Also, are cyborgs one of the last frontiers of secret baby books?
Sneezy: Oh GOD, don’t say that out loud!!!!! Someone’s going to take that as a challenge!!!!!!
Next thing you know, we’ll be up to our ears in the secret babies of a newt’s third toe.
Sarah: When my supremely reflux-y sons were babies, carrying them like that could give them some gas relief from both ends. However, even with breastfeeding my chest was not that big. And I have plenty of real estate up there.
Also if that baby doesn’t have a diaper on, there will be some pee. Count on it. Hope it doesn’t short circuit the cyborg.
Sneezy: Babies are terrifying
Tara: As someone who had a similar problem with their first baby, I can also guarantee that baby will barf down his arm.
Sarah: oh yeah. If there’s rocking you’ll get some velocity, too.
One time my older son, as an infant, refluxed while on the forward arc of his swing. Probably cleared 20 feet? Hit the opposite wall in the kitchen. It was impressive.
Tara: Holy shit! That’s VERY good. Also gross
Sarah: Might want to tell that cyborg about baby prilosec. Though I imagine now there’s even better reflux relief for babies.
I was SO impressed.
Elyse: The no hands thing is supremely upsetting
Carrie: Seconding Sarah regarding colic
Maya: Also, that is like the definition of vanity muscle if he has to flex that hard to hold a baby.
Amanda: Are babies heavier in space?
Kiki: That baby looks like they’re wondering the same thing
Sarah: Wouldn’t babies be lighter in space?
Aarya: A thing I just googled:
Maya: I really hope that autocompleted
Susan: For a minute I parsed the cyborg-baby cover as part of the conversation about penises and was incredibly confused
Shana: You’re not alone, that baby looks confused too.
Catherine: The baby looks deeply concerned. And – and I realise that this is the least of our anatomical worries here, what with the man-boobs and the concerning melon-sized cysts in his biceps – is there something weird about that pattern of chest hair? It’s all over the man-boobs but not between them or below them and it’s making me wonder if he is halfway through turning into a werewolf or something.
AJ: You all raise valid points but what I really want to know is, where are his cyborg parts? I see zero (0) poorly photoshopped metal limbs. If they promise me a cyborg and then give me a regular degular human dude, I’m going to be so pissed.
Amanda: Well we don’t get to see his lower half.
Could be a General Grievous scenario down there.
Sneezy: His dick could be a vibrator.
Amanda: The long spindly arms are the stuff of nightmares.
Plus, THOSE NAILS.
Elyse: NOPE
Amanda: I hope there’s no fingerbanging in the book.
Elyse: They aren’t even nicely done. I’d demand my money back.
Sarah: I think his head is from another body. Maybe that’s what the nails are for?
Sneezy: His arms look like they’re tacked on too.
Tara: Is it just me, or does his nipple look painted on?
Shana: everything about this terrifies me: especially the pouty look on his face as he thinks about jabbing his claws into his sweet lover girl. Although, sweet lover girl looks like she might be holding a knife in the grass, and is thinking about stabbing him. Ah, true wuv…
Catherine: This looks like a hostage situation, honestly. Is he strangling her? She definitely does not look happy to be here.
CharlotteB: You know how they say corpse nails grow after death? That’s all I can think about.
AJ: Something about the pose makes me think that guy is just unbelievably needy. You know that one boyfriend back in the day who wanted to hug you all the time to demonstrate ownership? THAT guy. “Babe. BABE. Babe, come here, Sveginald is going to take a picture of us.” *latches on like octopus*
From Lils: Whoa. Sunny side up nip!
Tara: That looks like a little, unrolled condom
Amanda: It reminds me of an overcooked pepperoni on a pizza
Sarah: For my Jersey and Philly folks: Taylor Pork Roll.
Amanda: It’s like a nipple Rorschach Test.
Kiki: It’s so perky!
Claudia: Puckered is the word that comes to mind — not in a good way.
Sarah: Now I want Pork Roll.
Aarya: As a Philly person: can confirm.
Tara: Now I need to look up what a Pork Roll is.
Sneezy: Yet another cover indicating mitties need bras.
Sarah: Tara: It’s salty, porky deliciousness.
It’s often sold sliced and if you don’t cut a pac-man notch out of it, it curls up JUST LIKE THAT NIPPLE.
Shana: Now I’m disturbed, and hungry.
Catherine: I don’t know about pork rolls, but to me it looks like a teeny tiny Kermit halfway through singing the song about rainbows. If you look closely (don’t look closely), you can see the two little bulgy eyes, and of course the mouth takes up most of the face.
(Oh, sorry, is there a person on that cover too? All I could focus on was the Kermit-nipple.)
CharlotteB: Look, I believe breastfeeding is beautiful but I’m gonna recommend a nursing cover just for this guy only.
AJ: The nipple face is telling me I should bet everything on black. Also something about Cthulhu. Is that normal?
From Kristine: That head does not belong to that neck.
Sarah: the pleated blouse does not help, either.
Elyse: The longer you look at it, the more upsetting it gets
Unless the book is about a serial killer who sews heads onto different bodies, I don’t buy it
Sarah: I also keep thinking that’s Julia Stiles with her “I am barely tolerating your b.s.” expression.
Claudia: He must have been the 19th-century inspiration for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
Maya: or a reimagining of the girl with ribbon around her neck
Sneezy: Excuse me while I convince my brain MY neck isn’t itchy and/or was swapped with someone else’s.
Catherine: My hed is pastede on yay! (Am I revealing my age?)
Actually, though, it looks like her head is only loosely attached to her neck and could go floating off at any moment. Maybe that’s why she’s smiling. ‘Oh, you think you can haunt me, weird jaundiced guy staring down at me from overhead? But I can make my head fly off and BITE YOU.’
AJ: I’m with Maya on this one. She’s going to tell him that he can do anything he wants, except remove her weird collar. And then one day, curiosity will get the best of him, and next thing you know … BOOM he’s down 1/8th of a wife.
Also: Maybe the real Mrs. MacKinnons were the starched blouses we bought along the way.
Third cover: That’s…that’s a breast, right? I mean, that’s very clearly not a pec? ‘Cause I don’t care how much you work out, I refuse to believe your pecs are that big.
Also, Sneezy, you nearly killed me with that last cover and your comment. I was reading it when I all of a sudden realized that I was doing the exact same thing and I cracked up.
I am rather concerned about #1’s sternum. What is happening there?? Also, I thought for a minute that the baby’s penis was visible, but I zoomed in and those are toes, so I guess the take-away is that cyborgs aren’t very good at holding babies.
#2 looks like a bad Twilight knockoff (the woman looks very much like an actress I recognize but can’t name). And something has definitely gone amiss with her right arm.
I feel like #3 needs OSHA to step in. The poor man is clearly FREEZING.
Oh, and the last one reminds me of the music video for Total Eclipse of the Heart.
Ok, I see your CYBORG’S SECRET BABY and raise you HOPE’S FIRST CHRISTMAS, where no one in the Art or Marketing Departments seemed to notice that the shading on the cover makes it seem as if the guy is breastfeeding the baby:
https://www.amazon.com/Hopes-First-Christmas-Bries-Submission-ebook/dp/B07YXCM8NN/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=hopes+first+christmas+red+phoenix&qid=1574684479&sprefix=hope’s+first+&sr=8-1
As a side note, this book is part of a BDSM series and, maybe it’s just me, but sticking a baby into the cover of a book that takes place in a “Training Academy”…well, hard pass for me.
And finally, it’s always a chastising experience when a favorite book/author shows up on Cover Snark. I can’t disagree with the inclusion of BREAK ME’s cover, but the book really is quite good: step-brother and ex-con tropes, if those are your catnips. Julie Kriss is, imho, one of the most underrated writers in Romancelandia.
Back to add that BREAK ME has now been re-released with a new title (FORBIDDEN) and a new (better!) cover:
https://www.amazon.com/Forbidden-Julie-Kriss-ebook/dp/B081V95Z9D/ref=mp_s_a_1_16?keywords=julie+kriss+kindle+books&qid=1574685222&sprefix=julie+kriss&sr=8-16
@Catherine – I was just bemoaning the loss of F_W this morning! Ah how I miss those days.
Took about three goes before I even noticed “INTERSTELLAR BRIDES(R): THE COLONY” and the (R) was just the last straw
@FashionablyEvil – Wynona Ryder. And Mrs. MacKinnon’s upper body is awfully small in proportion to her head.
I never quite get why they have dudes pulling ups their shirts to show just one nipple. It is such a bizarre pose.
I too was thinking about the “my hed is pastede on yzy” meme.
You guys just made me snort my Polish mushroom soup. Thanks, I needed that today.
So is the cyborg gestating and breast-feeding his own baby on the down-low? (Are THOSE the cyborg parts he had installed?) Inquiring minds want to know.
#2 just reminds me of Gollum. “Mine! MY Precious! MINE! MINE!”
Are there actually two shirts in play in Break Me? Because above his hands it’s got a button-down collar but below his hands it looks like a tee shirt and I’m so confused…
Cyborg Baby seems to be crawling out of a kangaroo-style pouch.
Moonlight Man is thinking how long he will hug her until he snaps her neck. She’s thinking of how many ways she can take him out before he even twitches. They’re made for each other.
On the Moonlight cover, does she have an extra breast sticking out between his arm and hers?
The new cover for the Cyborg’s Secret Baby is worse. That baby appears to be missing it’s legs.
I just checked out a couple of books. The whole series appears to feature a whole lot of Crazysauce.
Re: “Break Me”: y’all, that there is definitely ringworm-of-the-nipple.
Sveginald … made me snort. I bet there is a Sveginald somewhere in the US.
Sneezy: Babies are terrifying
Yep.
@Maddy:
“INTERSTELLAR BRIDES(R): THE COLONY” and the (R) was just the last straw
I had to look it up, because I didn’t think you could get away with a spurious ® for long. Yes indeed, it is a bona fide registered trademark for, quote, “Audio books in the nature of novels; Downloadable e-books in the field of romance novels. FIRST USE: 20160219. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20160219”
Elsewhere … What’s with the {arbitrary noun}’s Secret Baby naming motif? Has it replaced the Gerunding Name pattern that was so common a few decades ago?
@Catherine, your Kermit comment had me laughing until I cried! I cannot now un see Kermit.
Taylor Pork Roll! lolol
@ AJ: Thank you for mentioning Cthulhu. I can rest easily now…
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Never date guys who have better salon nails than you.