Help A Bitch Out - SOLVED!

HaBO: Princess Married Off to a Desert Kingdom

You did it! We figured this one out! It is a truth universally acknowledged (by me for certain) that the Bitchery pretty much knows everything, and really, it's true. Scroll down to see the solution for this HaBO - and many thanks!

This HaBO request is from one of our new reviewers, Sneezy. It’s incredibly detailed (and hilarious):

The book I’m looking for is about a princess (or some kind of royalty; I don’t remember the exact titles used in this book, but it’s an equivalent position) who is sent off with her nanny/chaperone/maid to wed a prince from a desert nation/tribe. Initially, she kind of bummed about this. She felt like she was being married off to the middle of nowhere. The new place is less opulent than her home, and there’s definitely some culture shock. Because she’s used to a more opulent and strictly structured court life, she comes off at first as a bit snobby kind of useless.

Her prince didn’t like her at first for these reasons, and she wasn’t fond of him at first, either. As she spent more time there, starts learning about the place, about the prince, and we learn that she’s actually smart and adventurous and generally a good person that just needs to grow into her feet. She notices that although the king doesn’t display wealth as lavishly as she’s used to back home, his bearing is more commanding and regal than her father’s.

She also sees and rides camels, though they’re called by another name in the book – I’m not sure what language the author may have derived that from. There was a whole scene when some camels went stampeding in the streets for some reason (it may have been her fault) and the prince had to rescue her and give her a Good Talking To about the dangers of the green mucus-hocking beasts.

As the princess becomes more comfortable with the culture there and more obsequious to the heat, she starts dressing more like her future in-laws, eschewing her more lavish and elaborate clothes she brought with her for the breathable and comfortable robes/dress/whatevershedidn’tgonaked. This helped her fit in better, too, since it helped take away from her Snooty Princess image. One time, she went riding by herself on a crazy camel and had a hell of a time hanging on for dear life. Or maybe she had to rush back to be in time for dinner. Point is, she hung on too hard, the camel was going super fast, and the reins cut into her hands really badly. By the time she got back, she was in pain and exhausted. Her nanny dressed her for dinner that night, and as the majority of her attention was devoted to staying upright, didn’t notice until it was too late that her nanny had dressed her in a set of the clothes she brought with her. They were green, and someone, herself or her prince, says it made her look like a cake. Her nanny clucked at her, vigorously huffing that these were proper clothes, not like the stupid things these backwater nobodies had her wearing.

The dinner bell/gong sounds off just as her nanny finishes huffing, leaving the princess no time to change. The princess asks her nanny to quickly get the matching green gloves to hide her hands, instead. Even rushing, she was still late, making her in-laws wait to begin dinner. Her exhaustion and pain made her a less than stellar table mate (was there a table? I think they sat on a rug), with her picking at her food and showcasing the conversational prowess of a sloth. If her future in-laws thought their future daughter-in-law was snubbing them on purpose, they didn’t call her on it. Her prince, on the other hand, was furious, and cornered her after his parents left the room. She was disrespectful, he said, picking at the food his mom picked out for her and showing up like a cake. The princess tried to moonwalk out, so as to puddle in her own embarrassment and exhaustion in the privacy of her room. Her prince grabbed her hand to keep her there for the Talking To, only to see her going pale. Her attempts to moonwalk out were further forestalled as he pried her hands open and saw her glove soaked through with blood. He peeled them off, they probably made up, and I think he sent ointment to her or something.

Somewhere in there is an Ancient and Wise Crone, who the princess meets and meets again in the sand dunes and caves. At one point, the old lady takes the princess to a cavern in the cave and shows her gasoline. The reveal was all spooky and bad ass. The princess had never heard of the substance prior, so readers were in the dark with her. All we knew is that the princess was following this Old Lady into a cave/room in a set of caverns, with only the Old Lady’s torch for light. Something stank in the room, but the princess didn’t know what it was. Inside, there was a pool, and the old lady held the torch just above a pool in the room, and the entire pool caught fire. The princess was like, “Whaaaa???” And the Crone was like, “Yeeeee. This will be this country’s future source of power. Govern wisely!” Or some such wise intonation, but that’s the gist of what she said. (Also… how would you put out a pool of burning gasoline?)

There’s proooobably a villain in the book, as I vaguely remember some altercation happening just then or at some point by the Pool of Doom, some variation of, THE POWER IS MIIIIIINEEEE, but the princess and the Old Lady makes it out safely. After they’re safe, the princess asks the king, who came with the cavalry, just who the Old Lady was. The king tells her the Old Lady was once the most beautiful woman of their land and his sister. Old Lady had given up every thing she had to take on the mantle of Venerable Wise Person. The princess wonders at the old lady’s choice of going from a materially lavish and socially robust lifestyle to one so austere and isolated.

Then there was a scene where the princess and her prince stand together, looking off into the horizon or something, but definitely happily in love. I think Old Lady was also there, giving benediction and asking for a baby from them (or saying she saw them popping one out) that she will train to take her place. The end.

I want to say it was YA, but I might be wrong. I don’t recall any smexy fun, and the prince and princess were both well intentioned, if somewhat less than mature.

Show of hands, who wants to read this? *Raises hand*

Categorized:

Help a Bitch Out

Comments are Closed

  1. KatiM says:

    Could it be The Girl of Fire and Thorns by Rae Carson? It’s YA and I vaguely remember the main character being perceived as useless.

  2. MizFletcher says:

    May I just say, although I haven’t got a scooby what this book is, how much I loved this synopsis!

  3. Emily says:

    That was a wild ride. It made me think of Robin McKinley’s The Blue Sword a little, but that’s definitely not it.

  4. Lisa F says:

    Sneezy’s recap absolutely slayed me here!

    I wonder if this is a McKinley – it absolutely feels like one.

  5. @Amanda says:

    @Liz: Having read Warprize, I don’t think it quite fits. That one is very much adult and not YA.

  6. Amanda says:

    Definitely not The Blue Sword by McKinley, though it has a ton of similarities. But in TBS, Harry is kidnapped, and she’s not a princess of any sort. Plus, no camels. Wish I could help figure this one out, because I want to read it!

  7. Jiobal says:

    It’s not McKinley’s The Hero and the Crown,either. Could be Girl of Fire and Thorn, though I don’t remember any camels.
    How about Grace Draven’s Radiance?
    The desert-setting reminds me of Joely Sue Burkhardt’s Shanhasson series, which is definetly not YA but Reverse Harem (before that was a Thing).

  8. Kellie says:

    @KatiM It definitely isn’t The Girl of Fire and Thorns, though I thought it might be for a bit! But she doesn’t stay with the guy she’s married to, she gets kidnapped and becomes an outlaw. And there’s no romance between her and her husband.

  9. AmyB says:

    It’s not Radiance by Grace Draven. That has a similar fish-out-of-water theme, but Ildiko is considered unspeakably ugly, not snobbish.

    But these answers are all causing my TBR to grow 🙂

  10. Carol S. says:

    Side note: Can publishers stop naming books “NOUN of NOUN and NOUN”? It makes it so hard to remember which is which. Now I’m off to read “CHIPMUNK OF FIRE AND GRASS.”

  11. Liz says:

    It’s a little amazing that Sneezy remembers so many details of this book but not the title or the author. I can relate.

    What did the cover look like Sneezy? How old is this book?

  12. chacha1 says:

    “conversational prowess of a sloth”
    LOL

  13. @Sneezy says:

    @Liz Hahahaha I can’t recall what the cover looked like, but it’s probably published a while ago. I either got it from the school or public library when I read it, and I remember the copy having that ‘old paperback in good condition’ look and feel.

    All the comparisons to The Blue Sword go me thinking, and I went trolling on Goodreads to see what books they listed as similar to it. Sandwriter by Monica Hughes sounds very close, but all the summaries and reviews I found has plot points or details that are different from what I remember, and if it is the same book, there’s a sequel that I didn’t know existed. The fact that it was published in 1985 and the author was Canadian makes me wonder, “Could it be yoooouuuu????” If there’s the you-look-like-a-green-cake scene, then it’s definitely the same book. That’s the one thing I know for sure my brain didn’t lie to me about. It’s not digitalized, so I can’t check. Does anyone live by a library that has a copy?

  14. Jiobal says:

    @Sneezy, I have a copy of the Blue Sword (which I recommend highly). There are definetly no camels, Harry (the Heroine) learns to ride though (clearly Arabian horses, obvs). And while Harry gets kidnapped and adapts to her new home, she is never snobbish and there are no crones.
    Aerin, the princess in The Hero and Crown, nicht come across as standoffish at first. However, she doesn’t marry a foreigner (she goes dragonfighting instead) and there are still neither camels nor a crone (just a wizard aka love-interest). Love these books, will read again. Good luck with your HABO!

  15. lils says:

    My library doesn’t have a copy of Sandwriter. Hopefully someone will have a copy and can check for the cake scene. I see there is a sequel The Promise.

  16. Janine says:

    The Internet Archive has a copy of Sandwriter that can be checked out (I’m at my limit there or would look into myself!). The book jacket copy sounds a lot like the original description…

  17. Lington says:

    It looks like on page 81 of “Sandwriter,” the hero chastises the heroine for being “[d]ressed like a wedding cake and picking at the food.” Sounds like a winner!

  18. Leah G says:

    The second book in the “Sandwriter” duology is the daughter of the characters in the first book. She has to learn/take over for the sandwriter. So that would fit with her prediction at the end.

  19. @Sneezy says:

    !!!! That sounds like it!!!!! @Lington, were her hands bleeding when she was accused of being a cake?

  20. Lington says:

    Yes! Shortly after that, he says, “There’s blood on these gloves. Your hands!” And she gives “a shaky laugh.” And it does say she cut up her hands on the reins because she forgot her riding gloves at home; your memory is spot-on. Good job taking that Omega-3!

  21. @Sneezy says:

    YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! WE FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS @LINGTON!!!!!!!!

  22. @Sneezy says:

    AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE WHO COMMENTED, TOO!!!!! All the suggestions helped me narrow my search words and look in nooks I hadn’t thought to before!!!!!!

  23. Alice Shortcake says:

    Mucus-hocking Beasts – my new indie band!

Comments are closed.

$commenter: string(0) ""

By posting a comment, you consent to have your personally identifiable information collected and used in accordance with our privacy policy.

↑ Back to Top