Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S15 E12: Four Times

We open with Chris Harrison live in LA letting us know that The Bachelorette finale will stretch over four hours and two nights, and FML.

Then we cut back to Greece. Peter, Tyler and Jed are still discussing the fact that Luke P showed up and was (eventually) sent home (again). Chris Harrison moves the rose podium back from where Hannah moved it away from Luke.

Tearfully, Hannah tells the three remaining dudes that she feels blessed for having known them, but that she has to continue to make the right decisions. She picks up a rose and the scary music starts. The first rose goes to Jed, which I really didn’t see coming. The second rose goes to Tyler, which means Peter aka Mr. Windmill is going home.

My husband is bummed. “For a wedding present people could have gotten them those little windmills that go in your yard!”

Hannah, crying, tells Peter that he was the perfect guy and reminded her of her Ken doll from when she was a kid. She said “There’s like nothing wrong, just, like, not mine.”

Peter tells her that it “sucks and it hurts,” but that she’ll always have a place in his heart.  He tells her he has no regrets about their time together.

Then we get like a million minutes of sad music and the camera cuts back and forth between Hannah sobbing in the driveway and Peter sobbing in the Limo of Tears and I just…

So then because he feasts off the pain of others, Chris Harrison pops back in the studio in LA with Peter sitting beside him. Peter just watched the footage live for the first time. He looks rough. Since that’s not shitty enough, Peter’s family is there, and Chris asks his mom how hard it was to watch her son get his heart broken.

Driving the knife in deeper, Chris asks Peter, “Do you still love her?”

Peter gives a non-answer that amounts to ‘yes.’

So then Hannah, wearing this amazing blue dress, comes out.

Peter tells her that he felt that their relationship progressed perfectly, and he asks what it was that made her realize he wasn’t the one.

“There wasn’t anything wrong, and I know that’s probably hard to hear, and I wish I could give you a concrete answer. I truly thought you would meet my family, and that day, that whole week, and the Fantasy Suite date we had together…” she trails off.

“I remember leaving you at the windmill,” Peter says. “And I thought it was us.”

“I was falling for two other guys too, and I woke up that morning and had to follow my heart,” Hannah tells him.

“If anything I wish I would have known a little bit sooner what you felt,” Hannah adds.

Peter then asks her why she refers to their relationship as a “slow burn.” Hannah points out it was very passionate and the audience goes crazy. She says that her relationship with Peter had a slower progression.

Then Chris Harrisons says that because of them, no one will ever look at a windmill the same again.

Hannah says, “I was a little dishonest about something. Since it’s out there…since I did say there was something Peter and I did twice…it was actually four times.”

So I guess we know about Peter’s refractory period now.

His mom and dad are clapping enthusiastically and laughing, which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me.

And you know what? Like, good for you, Hannah, but four times is just cutting into my sleep time. I’d be like, “I appreciate your enthusiasm and, uh, blood flow, but I need to go nigh nigh now.”

Then Chris Harrison salutes Peter.

“By the way, Peter’s mom is right there,” Chris says, and his mom flashes thumbs up. Then Chris adds, “Somewhere, Luke P’s heart just exploded.”

(Ed. note: Probably not his heart.)

We get a commercial and then we’re back in Greece. Hannah’s family has arrived and will meet Tyler first.

Hannah’s mom, Suzanne, asks Tyler about how he handles conflict in a relationship, and he says watching his parents go through a divorce taught him about communication. He also tells her that he wants to be Hannah’s best friend and husband.

Her family really, really likes Tyler, especially her dad.

So then it’s the next day, and Jed meets Hannah’s family.

Suzanne tells the camera that she’s trying to give Jed a fair shot, but that Tyler set the bar high.

Jed starts off by talking about his music career which demonstrates his inability to read a room, not least because he admitted to Hannah earlier that he originally came on the show to promote his music, and then fell in love with her.

Hannah’s father, Robert, asks Jed how he’s going to provide for Hannah.

Jed tells Robert that so far his most lucrative musical breakthrough is signing up to write a jingle for a dog food company. Robert isn’t impressed and says he works 14 hour days to support his family.

Suzanne asks, “You’ve been in Nashville for awhile right?”

Jed complains to the camera that Robert and Suzanne think he’s inadequate.

Suzanne tells Hannah privately that she thinks Tyler would be a better partner and seems more settled. Hannah tells her dad that she can provide for herself.

In the immortal words of Kesha: “I buy my own things, I pay my bills, these diamond rings, my automobiles, everything I got, I bought it.”

Hannah is upset her parents don’t like Jed (and possibly that her dad is being sexist) and she goes down to the pool to cry. Jed shows up and hugs her. She admits to him that it went a lot better when Tyler met her parents.

“Fuck me, this is why you don’t date two people at the same time, “she says.

Jed says, “Baby, we know what we have.”

We cut back to the studio and Chris Harrison announces there’s a new Bachelor podcast, which I will not be listening to, thanks.

Then we get Hannah’s final dates with Tyler and Jed.

Tyler and Hannah go horseback riding despite him admitting he doesn’t like horses (and having a not great date on horseback before). Tyler’s horse knows Tyler doesn’t like it and isn’t confident and largely does whatever it wants to.

Later they have a picnic lunch.

Hannah and Tyler tell each other they love each other a bunch of times and make out. Later Hannah goes to Tyler’s room and they talk about how nice their date was. They spend a little time discussing what life would be like together after the show. Then they go upstairs and the camera pans away.

Then we get Hannah’s last date with Jed. They go boating, and the water is really choppy. They try to reenact the Jack and Rose scene from Titanic, but Hannah gets seasick and pukes.

Hannah reflects that she’s also really nervous and that probably contributed to her throwing up.

Girl, that’s not a good sign.

Jed tells her that he’s still really bugged that Robert wasn’t impressed with him. “I didn’t go into vast detail, but it’s not like I only know how to do music,” he complains.

Hannah tells Jed she’s still feeling sick and needs to be alone for a few minutes. She sits by herself looking out over the ocean.

Later that night she goes to Jed’s room. Jed tells her, “I just cannot, in any part of myself, picture my life without you at this point.” He adds that he would have fallen in love with her if he met her outside of the show.

Hannah worries that she and Jed are both “dreamers” and their relationship might lack stability.

She leaves feeling uncertain. It was implied that she spent the night with Tyler (I’m not sure if that’s editing or what), but she doesn’t with Jed.

Then we cut back to the studio. Hannah is standing with Chris Harrison. He says that she wants to make an announcement before tomorrow night’s finale.

“Since that day in Greece, the past couple of months have been really tough,” Hannah says. “I know there are a lot of rumors out there, and honestly, tomorrow night I don’t know what is going to happen, but I have a lot of questions that need to be answered.”

Chris Harrison promises that we’ll get answers tomorrow.

And that’s it. One more episode to go.

Are you still watching?