Elyse Watches The Bachelorette – Episode 8: The Cringiest Night

Happy Monday. May there be rum in your coke and strength in your heart, because tonight is the cringiest night of the cringiest show. That’s right: it’s Hometowns.

Hometowns is the week when the Bachelorette meets the families of the four remaining dudes she’s chosen. This show is bad enough when it’s staged in McMansion land, but when we enter the real world and have people’s families involved…it’s painful to watch.

Becca’s final four are Garrett, Blake, Jason and Colton.

Garrett’s hometown visit is first.

Gird your loins. It’s time to get this shitshow started.

Garrett takes Becca to his family’s farm where they plant tomatoes with an industrial planter. Garrett tells her that the last woman he brought home was his ex wife. He said his ex isolated him from his family and that they didn’t get along with her.

For some fucking reason Garrett’s shirt is mostly unbuttoned this entire time. He’s also super drunk, which is great because we’re like five minutes into the visit and we haven’t even met his parents yet.

Garrett’s sister Allison says that his previous relationship changed him, and she’s worried about his feelings for Becca.

Garrett’s mom, Barbara, who is described as a “mother bear,” has a talk with Becca. I rewound like eight times and as best I can tell she says she doesn’t want Garrett to go down that “squirrel hole” again. I don’t know what a squirrel hole is, but I wouldn’t want to go down one either.

Later Barbara asks Garrett if he’ll be okay if Becca doesn’t choose him. He says he’ll be okay because he “laid it all out there.” Barbara says that if Becca chooses Garrett, the family will embrace her.

Then we get a commercial for Mission Impossible: Tom Cruise Jumping Off Things and I get a glass of water because I gotta stay hydrated.

Next up is Jason, who is from Buffalo, NY. First up he and Becca enter a buffalo wing eating contest at the Anchor Bar.

Then they go skating at an indoor rink because playing hockey was a big part of Jason’s childhood.

“You got cool hockey mom in your blood there, Beckster!” Jason says.

JESUS.

He keeps calling her “Beckster.”

Then we met Jason’s mom and dad, his brother Steven, and Steven’s husband Billy.

“They know how I’ve lived my life for the past twenty-nine years, and it’s been with a very guarded heart,” Jason says.

You…guarded your heart when you were an infant?

Jason’s mother, Dale, asks Becca if she’s found her “one person” yet, and Becca hedges. “When he makes a commitment it will be for life,” Dale tells her.

Then Jason gets relationship advice from Steven and Billy. Jason admits he hasn’t really told Becca how much he cares about her and Steven advises him that “there’s not a lot of runway left here.”

Jason listens to his older brother and tells Becca a lot of stuff about how much he cares about her without ever mentioning the word love. They make out in his parent’s driveway.

My husband is sitting on the floor playing with Fisher, and he asks, “So is next week the Bang Bang Rooms?”

“Fantasy Suites.”

“Right. But then we’re done right?”

Oh, you sweet, summer child.

Next up we go to Bailey, Colorado, Blake’s hometown. Unlike the other guys, Blake has outright said he loves Becca. Becca tells the camera “the feelings are reciprocated, I just haven’t told him.”

I’m not sure why Becca hasn’t told Blake she loves him, other than maybe part of being the Bachelor/Bachelorette is keeping that information to yourself to keep the contestants uncertain, which is pretty shitty.

Blake takes Becca to his high school where they meet some of his teachers and coaches.

Then, because this isn’t cringey enough, Blake takes Becca to the library and sits her down. He tells her that his parents got divorced when he was in high school (which he mentioned last week in case you blacked out) then he tells he that when he was a senior there was a shooting at his high school. Blake’s sister was also at school, as was his mom, a teacher.  A complete stranger who was camping in the area walked into the school and opened fire. Blake heard his mom on the intercom, alerting the staff as to what was happening. One student died in the shooting.

Becca says that Blake has been through a lot of horrible things, but that he came out as a good man.

I’m not dismissing what Blake experienced at all, but it feels kind of weird to take your date to the site of the school shooting your survived. I have some side eye for the producers, here. Like maybe playing that up for a reality show isn’t really doing justice to the fact that our country has a mass shooting epidemic?

Then to make it even weirder, they go to the auditorium where we get another pop-up concert.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

“Honestly someone needs to pinch me because this is so unreal,” Becca says as she runs up on stage to dance with Blake.

I KNOW RIGHT.

Then they meet Blake’s family. His mom Shelly reminds him about how horribly his heart was broken in the past. His dad asks him how he and Becca will deal in the real world when the “fantasy dates” are over.

Shelly still isn’t having it. She points out to Becca that she was engaged six months ago, and asks if she’s ready to be engaged again so soon. She tells Becca she’s afraid of Blake getting his heart broken again.

Rich points out that the families are way easier on The Bachelorette than The Bachelor. At least one family member for each contestant threatens to beat up the Bachelor if he breaks “my little girl’s heart.” These families tend to be almost pleading with the Bachelorette, asking her not to hurt their respective dude.

We still have Colton’s hometown AND A FUCKING HOUR OF THIS SHOW LEFT. UGH.

So then we go to Parker, Colorado, which is Colton’s hometown. Colton and Becca go to the Children’s Hospital where they visit some children. Colton has a non profit that benefits kids with cystic fibrosis, and he says that spending time at the Children’s Hospital is important to him.

Later Colton tells Becca he’s never brought anyone home before. He takes Becca to meet his family, including his parents and young cousins.

This is when shit really starts to go off the rails.

The rest of the episode is physically painful to watch. I’ve had one rum and Coke. I can’t get drunk on a weekday. I’m old. I’m too sober for this.

Deep breaths…

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Colton’s dad is suspicious of the whole thing. He thinks a big deal was made of Colton’s one date with Tia, while Becca was recently engaged to Arie and that hasn’t been an issue. His dad asks Becca not to choose Colton if she’s not one hundred percent sure of her feelings.

Then in super second-hand embarrassment time, Colton tells his mom that he told Becca he was a virgin and she asks if he’s ready and I just… Ready to get married? Lose his virginity? Why is this happening.

Colton’s mom, Donna, tells Becca that she thinks Colton is ready for marriage.

Later, when they are alone, Colton tells Becca he’s in love with her.

We got to commercial and then we come back to Becca “talking it through” with her girls, who are all contestants from last season’s Bachelor. Tia and Beckah M are among the group.

So then Becca tells the girls that Jason is the best kisser of the four.

Tia asks to talk to Becca alone. She tells Becca that it’s hard for her to say this, but she needs to be fully honest. “When I think about Colton, if I’m being completely honest with myself, I feel like I still have feelings for Colton. When I think of Colton being at this point, it makes me sick to my stomach.”

Oh, fuuuuuuuuuck this. Previously Tia said she and Colton went on one date. This has to be drama manufactured by the producers.

Becca says she’s struggling because she doesn’t want a man to come between her and her friends, but she has feelings for Colton.

Sure.

So then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Colton trots over to Chris Harrison.

“Next week is fantasy suites,” Colton tells Chris. “And I’m still a virgin.”

“Mmkay,” Chris says.

“What I’m assuming happens in the Fantasy Suites…I guess I just want to know sort of what the expectations are.”

Chris nods sagely and for one horrible, terrible moment I expect him to give Colton the dad talk. I am so aggressively uncomfortable now I’m mostly curled up into a little ball. I’m even squeezing my toes in.

“You’re worried about being intimate with Becca,” Chris says. “The main thing is, as long as you and Becca are on the same  page and have been, is what matters. How you choose to handle that as a man and as a couple, how Becca chooses to handle it, is up to you. That’s kinda the whole point of it. You feel good?”

“I feel good,” Colton says.

Nononononononono.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TALKING TO CHRIS HARRISON ABOUT SEX. THIS IS SO AWFUL.

I don’t know why this is as painful as it is, except this Chris is super serious and Colton is super earnest and I DON’T LIKE IT. I think Colton wants Chris to reassure him. Oh. I feel so squicky….

Like what does he expect Chris to say? Yes, you’re contractually obligated to bang? AND WHY IS HE ASKING CHRIS ON CAMERA? Did someone put him up to this?

I’m so uncomfortable.

OMG what if Chris was like, “I’ve prepared a Powerpoint in case of this eventuality.” Fuck my life, I bet he has. I bet he’s been waiting for the day when a virgin is sacrificed. I bet he’s going to be more powerful.

I want to go home now except I am at home. Someone cuddle me, please.

Like, I didn’t think Colton’s virginity was a big deal, but I also didn’t think that Chris Harrison would be explaining sex to him.

Okay, then the actual Rose ceremony begins. Cue the tense music.

Oh god, if Colton gets through will Chris explain sex to him in more detail? I bet he knows about a lot of weird shit. The Rose God would demand no less.

Colton isn’t ready for that.

I’m not ready for that.

Rich says, “I think they’re in the same building where the “Oh, Sherrie” music video by Steve Perry was filmed.”

WHO FUCKING CARES, RICH.

The first rose goes to Blake.

The next rose goes to Jason.

“No, seriously, I’m going to Google it,” Rich says.

WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRELY.

Chris appears from the shadows to tell us we’re down to the final rose.

Don’t be Colton. Don’t be Colton.

It’s Garrett.

Whew.

Poor Colton is clearly crushed, not understanding how Becca just saved him from the WORST INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FROM CHRIS HARRISON EVER.

Run Colton. Run far away.

Becca tells Colton that his dad advised her not to pick him if she wasn’t one hundred percent sure, and she took that advice. I bet that makes him feel great.

Also, yeah, it’s the same building.

So next week is the Bang Bang Rooms as my husband would say.

Are you still watching? I’m going to go bleach my brain now.